Follow
Share

I am beside myself.


I was taking mom for an afternoon medical appointment - yes even on a Sunday, and went out to get the car open for her. I turn around and she's on the garage floor. I cried, I got upset, I helped her up to a sitting position, but of course I've thrown my back out and can't get her up. She refused 911 so I called my husband across town to help me get her.


He and I did get her up, put her in her rolling walker and got her back inside. Aside from a nasty cut on her hand she was mad/upset but otherwise unhurt. Of course, this is a patient on blood thinners so you know that falls are just terrific for someone like that. Her mobility with neuropathy is declining and she feels that the doctors are not doing enough to "reverse it and make me well again."


A couple of years ago she "crashed" and was in the hospital for days, and was discharged with "a family member to stay with patient until she is stronger." That family member was me. I told her gently but firmly if it happened again I could not do that level of care she needed - think cursing at me when emptying her commode and cursing at me trying to find her clothes, and accusing me of throwing things away when all I did was clean and straighten. Two months of that hell for me, before they threw her into a rehab because she would not improve or get well. She has no dementia or memory issues. She's been verbally and emotionally abusive all my life.


So I drew a boundary once I knew she was stable and ok that I went back home to my house with my husband and dog. Now she wants my brother to come out to "give (me) a break." My brother lives in a covid hotspot across the country and although he's taking every precaution, a 5 hour plane ride might change that quickly for him.


I will NOT take care of her physically. I've told her to get her depression and rage under control before I even approach that again - and I won't, even at that.


My nerves are shot. I'm a wreck. I've done this for too long. If she hadn't been so abusive all my life I bet I'd do more. But I can't. I do love my mom, but I just can't give my soul away again. I can't be cussed at while emptying her toilet again. All I did was help.


Thanks for listening.

Had it,
You are so welcome here. Don’t let some bad answers keep you from getting good ones.
Sending a big hug!
(1)
Report

Never said I expected that to happen.
I think I’m done here.
(0)
Report

Why on earth would you expect someone who has been abusive to you all your life to suddenly become appreciative?

That WON'T happen.

In my expetience, both in life and being a member of this forum, it is abused "kids" like yourself who do the most for their elderly parents, always in search of some crumb of approval.

Those of us who were treated well have fewer problems saying "no" to unreasonable parental demands.
(2)
Report

Mission creep oh yeah!

I remember when a drive to a regular weekly activity blew out to dressing assist, kitchen clean up, drive, wait, assist, drive back, post office & grocery pickup & buy lunch. It creeps up so slowly, adding a little more every time. Then crept into other days. Bite the hand that feeds? I had no arms left!!

Nip all mission creep attempts in the bud. "No, I can't. You could XYZ instead. See ya next time 😀".

I did well yesterday. Was only asked to open a bottle. No prob. Left the other empty bottles, boxes, containers & mess strewn about just as it was. #Not your maid.
(5)
Report

There was a little bit of mission creep this afternoon. I have asked that the caregiver come late afternoon to early evening to do meds, dinner, and settle for bed time. Today mom said that "well if you do this and this, she won't need to come." I said, "Uh, I need the help here ok, I need to be home by 6 and however long YOU want her to stay after that is your choice."

"Ok," begrudgingly.

The caregiver will start earlier tomorrow so that I can get home at a decent hour and i did get some pushback on that. So I finally told her that I'm trying to get my recent back and knee pain under control and the earlier I can rest the better.

I won't even tell you what she said when I suggested the caregiver come for a longer time on my birthday next week so I can have a break.

Giving her the gift of my absence as I am doing right now, by just going over throughout the day and not staying will show her in about a day or less, just how much it is I have to do for her and she will appreciate it more. Sitting there all day "just because," provides an expectation that when a bell rings I jump right up and I'm there.

Not a chance.
(4)
Report

Hiupth: It sounds to me like you are clear in your mind as to what you will and will not do. Keep up the good work on boundaries!

I like your charachterization " I'm not going to not help". Just be aware of "mission creep", lol!
(0)
Report

Tell your mom what I finally told my mom, “I’m not your caregiver, I’m your DAUGHTER!”

Set boundaries with her.
(4)
Report

@Barb that's pretty much what I have said.
"So you're ok through the night then huh, ok?" And went home.
The caregiver will come back late afternoon into early evening and let herself out, she is a dear woman and I trust her 100 percent. She's been with us for years.

Like I said I'm not going to not help, just not the way she probably wants it...
And I'm not going to be referee between her and the caregiver anymore either.
(5)
Report

Your mother is firing the caregiver????

"That's too bad mom. I'm not available".
(2)
Report

I am sure you are sorry, but not surprised that your Mother doesn't want the caregiver long term?

My daughter cut my hair once in lockdown. Was a good cut. Conveniently at home and free! But just because I don't want to pay salon rates anymore doesn't mean my daughter has to be my new hairdresser.

Your Mother's decision to stop having a caregiver is HER decision. The consequences should be HERS also.

I would seriously be busy busy busy & not attending in any way to provide any help the caregiver did. Friendly phone calls only.
(4)
Report

HadIt, have a look at this thread "Crisis. Again. What do?"

Although you are local & Treecrout is not, the pressure & expectations may be similar?
(0)
Report

Well that deteriorated quickly.

The caregiver is too annoying - keeps wanting her to you know, get up, eat, bathe, not lay around all day. And, will not be providing overnight care now according to mom.

"I'm too tired for physical therapy let's wait til next week."

Wants me of course to be here during the day and told me today that she "can stay by myself at night." Ok, we'll see how that goes. I said that I would be here THROUGHOUT the day, as in I'll come in and check on things, go home for a few hours, come back much later for just a little while, and that's the day. I am not going to be at beck and call. I don't live that far away and as I told my husband, I can afford the gas, I cannot afford the expense of my sanity by staying here trapped with absolutely nothing. My plan didn't sound like it was received well but neither is her uncooperative, "I want to be waited on and nothing else," attitude.

I'm not backing down on this. I'm not going to completely not help but I'm not going to be partner in the "bring me this and bring me that," routine. She literally watched me sit back down in my chair and said, "Bring me some ice water," right as my ass hit the seat.
(2)
Report

Hadit, I think there comes a time when we need to realize that we are adults, even in the presence of our parents.

You took the reins today and explained "how it is" to your mom. Good for you!
(3)
Report

Hadit!!!!
Applauding you here! You are helping yourself by saying what you need, helping your Mom to treat you respectfully, and inspiring the rest of us!

Congratulations on keeping those boundaries!
Colleen
(2)
Report

Hadit, kudos to you! You are doing amazing here! You’ve established boundaries and you are enforcing them! Way to go!!! you are an inspiration to all!!!
(0)
Report

You got this, you really do!!

I see you have re-labeled yourself as 'her kid' : NOT her nurse, PT, maid (or slave).

I used to wonder how others did that, said no, just not.doing.that. My Doctor inspired me. She told her own Mother, I'm not your doctor/nurse/maid. Hire help or move to AL. I wondered how she & others managed that so easily... But now I think I see. When you THINK that, you truly FEEL it & then it's so much easier to LIVE it.
(0)
Report

It's going better than expected.

I have had talks with mom to let her know that, "You are being abusive."
"I am?" She said.
"YES, you are."
"Well I am sorry about that."

When she gets agitated and cranky I ask where it's coming from and why. "I'm just in a lot of pain." Ok, then acknowledge your pain and quit taking it out on me. She agreed.

"I wish you would do x,y,z," whatever it was the other day, barking it out at me.
"Well, I wish you would tell me what you need because I wasn't born knowing how to do this kind of things." She stopped.

I go home at night because the caregiver can take her, and she's complained a little bit about some of the caregiver's annoying habits - which are minimal at best, you know, like wanting to change her sheets, clothes, give her a shower, just those annoying types of things...... So when she complained again this morning I said, "Mom she's here by way of your invitation," I said pointing to her in the bed.
"I can find someone else you know."
"No, no... I'm ok."

Never in my own history would I have ever done this kind of thing. Now last week when she came home she made me an absolute wreck. The next day I just talked to her and said "you can't do that, because I don't know how to do the things you want or need. I'm your kid, not your nurse."

I still don't like this, and she's not cooperating about trying to get up and move around so if she wants the decision made for her, I told her that's up to her. Meaning, if her PCP says she needs rehab, she'll have to go. Or she can lay in bed, have the carer stay overnight, get her emotional needs met this way, and go bankrupt.
(4)
Report

Unbelievable.

The agency I used for our old caregiver has her available, and she's coming back.
She was an absolute gem and she wants to take mom "off my hands."

Let's hope for better times ahead. And more than 2 hours of sleep.
(5)
Report

I fully expect it Beatty. As much as I'm trying to prevent it, I know I have no power to stop it.

I spoke to several rehabs myself over the last couple of days and they told me they are doing everything they can, and the one who remembered my mom would be willing to take her and look after her, she was a good patient there. But, what kid is she going to be able to berate, tell her kid "that's the wrong glass!" tell her son in law, "What the hell is wrong with this food you bought me."

I will do what I can, pray to avoid the inevitable, but ultimately wait for it.
(0)
Report

PS another fall which lands her in hospital so soon after a recent stay is known here colloquially as *boomeranged*.

It is rarely a failure of the carer, usually as you say, the middle between needing acute care & being safe at home. It can (while being awful) be the thing that changes the home-hospital-home repeat repeat loop to rediect to rehab or SNF instead.
(1)
Report

😞 Another tour of duty it is.

Having a clock off time & going home at night may bring a big positive difference from last time. You have set some ground rules 💪👍

This is a *temporary* post hospital thing. But if this level of help becomes the new *permanent* be ready to make a stand.

Lead, Follow or Get (outta the way!). You were following before, now I think moving into position to take more of the lead. (Keep 'Get' up your sleeve for now).
(1)
Report

Well, guess who’s doing it all again. She absolutely refuses rehab, so let’s hope home health doesn’t bring Covid in. The risk is almost the same as being in a rehab. I told her this and her face dropped.

I’m calling my family though to come help this time. I won’t do it alone.

The caregiver I thought we had, fell through and the hospital wanted mom out today. She’s too ill for home and not sick enough for the hospital.

I am going home at night, I’m not staying here 24 hours a day. I made that clear.

She should have gone to rehab. She’s gonna fall again. I just know it.

Shes already been critical and abusive. I did stick up for myself though. It’s all I have right now.
(0)
Report

Well they want to discharge her today and the case managers have been calling quite often to find out what is going on. Only just now a lady called me to find out, and I told her "I'm scrambling so if you have to let her go let me know what time so I can be there," and she so far has been the ONLY one who said, "No, we work with you, we're here to help you when YOU are ready."

I told her I'd spoken to several short term SNFs yesterday and they don't want anyone right now because of COVID, so I told her "you should probably tell your staff this because no one's accepting right now." She seemed stunned, but that's on them.

Mother called early and got argumentative about "have you called here and what are they telling you," so I said, "I'll have to talk to you later about this, bye." Never in my life have I done that before. Seriously, today was the first day. Ever.

I guess I really have finally HadItUpToHere!
(3)
Report

So when is discharge?

I'm curious as to what you normally do for her on a daily basis (it sounds like a lot).

I am concerned that there will be "mission creep." For instance, say you are there for something, and she suddenly needs help doing one of her ADLs. Are you going to say, "No, I will not help you with that"? (I hope so!)

Please keep us updated. Continue to set those boundaries and save your health and your marriage!
(0)
Report

Good for you, Hadit!

I know that there are those of us here that are squirreling away your answers for when and if WE need them!
(1)
Report

Mom's care setup 'plans' spring from *wishingful thinking*, rather than FACT.

Hadit, you are keeping your boundaries & doing so well!

Stay strong 💪💪💪
Keep batting away the silly answers 🏓🏓🏓
(1)
Report

A old twist on a new problem.
The discharge planner just phoned me and said that "Your mom says she has a caregiver from 10am to 6pm."

To which I responded, "That is interesting because no one has set that up for her, at least not in our family - did you inquire as to who this was?"

The O/T people want her to go to a SNF, but because of the pandemic she wants to go home. I told the discharge planner that if she or anyone in that hospital is thinking that I am the caregiver from 10 to 6, that is not the case.

I tried to call mom about this but she was upset, distressed, and the phone went dead. But I at least told them that my name had better not be on any of those "forms" you're filling out.

I'm not sure what to do here but at least I was able to put my two cents in. I can take care of so much for her as I do on the daily, I told them, but her immediate medical care and ADLs go beyond my capability to handle

as her daughter.
(5)
Report

@Beatty - believe me, my anxiety is high about the risk in rehab. No doubt in my mind about that. She told me about how risky it was. I asked her if she knew what the risk was while she was being attended to in the hospital...

And I even said that she is more at risk of falling at home than potentially contracting it. At least in some of our places out here there are safeguards from it, at home, whoops, down I go again. I can't bear the thought.

I intend to be in on the discharge planning discussion, I wasn't the first time and imagine my surprise when it said, "Daughter will stay with patient until patient can maintain regular home activities."

Says WHO! I love it when decisions are made outside my presence.

My brother also spoke to her and told her that Hadituptohere cannot do this alone, and she did say she knew that.
(3)
Report

Unfortunately due to covid, yes there is risk in rehab. There is also risk at home (not coping, falls etc).

I suggest speaking directly to the hospital social worker/discharge planner.

See what Mom's options are. Probably resi rehab or rehab services in the home. If she agrees to home services & the staff feel she is safe for that option, that could happen.

But let the staff know what YOU are willing to do. They may have been told YOU will do everything. (Been there!!)
(1)
Report

Oh, dear. What did she say she IS going to do??
Cheering you on to keep your boundaries, friend!
(3)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter