Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

You've answered your own question:

"I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well."

You feel what you feel.

Feelings in families develop throughout a lifetime.
Not just now, when a mother is at the end of her life.

You are wounded.

If you want peace within yourself, you have to learn to let a part of YOU inside YOU to support YOU as a healthy mother would have. We all have many parts inside. One part is our own understanding of a compassionate healing mother.

We change how we feel when we honor our feelings. This is when they transform / 'process' through them.

"Wishing' you mom well through compassion for how she was / is - will serve you - for the rest of your life. You do not have to hold on to resentment and anger. Learn to process through it - to let it go. It is the process of learning how to love yourself.

Gena / Touch Matters

My parents are alive but not living. There is no quality of life anymore. The joy for living is gone, there is nothing to look forward to. For me there is nothing to hope for anymore for them but peaceful deaths.

I have to be honest. FIL is miserable , he’s making us miserable , I don’t see the point of him living . He’s stressed out DH . FIL almost in respiratory arrest twice in the last 3 months . DNR. The last time was just dumb luck that the nurse went in his room when she did. Makes you wonder why .

is it wrong to hope someone lives? abortion, assisted suicide, addiction, the world we live in embraces death bc the "other world" creates kings in every religion and spiritual practice we are taugtto embrace spirit and maybe you are defining thst for yourself. (self-conscious is not the same as having a conscience, only you know what you are aware of and what is right) natureanimals energies are a good start.

My mother was never a happy person either. She was abusive when growing up, downright cruel a lot and played favorites with us kids . I was not one of her favorites unfortunately. Her personality passed onto two of my sisters. They are younger versions of her. I didn’t see her the last few years of her life and haven’t seen my siblings for over 23 years with no regrets. It was stay in contact or lose my sanity. I chose my sanity with zero regrets. My only regret is not having a mother I deserved . Nothing I offered her was ever enough. She would always say she had to speak to my older sister and constantly bring up my brother’s who sexually abused me through out my childhood. She believed me about the abuse z, but then was angry when I refused to give her details of all that happened basically give her blow by blow descriptions which I refused. I was in therapy and told her it was not advices she then mocked my therapist or me for going. In her and my sister’s opinion I should have been sting enough to say no to a brother older and bigger that I was expected to listen to at all times and strong enough to fight back anything and everything done to me . When I said then I should have fought back when you beat me and pulled me around by my hair she hung up crying. She resorted to crying when she was losing anything, I then sent her a letter soI wanted no more contact as I needed peace from everyone until I was ready. I called her 6 years later when my husband was in a coma after a severe coronary and almost died. She called him my husband the entire time never his name which is close to hers and admonished him for smoking ( like we didn’t know this already) she was of no help or sympathy only talked about when my father had his heart attacks never as serious. I hung up on her and never heard anything until an hr before her funeral when a letter arrived in the mail from my sister telling me she had died. We lived 3 hours away so could not make her funeral even had I chosen to go z( I would not have) but I sthave no clue how or why she died. My sister claimed she didn’t know my number which was on my mothers phone. Just more games and lies . So yes I understand your situation all too well and it sucks we didn’t have mothers we deserved as all children deserve to have loving kinds mothers’s. You are not alone so don’t feel guilty. You are actually wishing the best for your mother, not something bad at all. Your wishing for peace for her , that’s kindness, nothing to be ashamed of , but to be proud of . I commend you actually! Give your self a break and ease up on yourself I wasn’t as nice in my wishes with mine. So easy on yourself and give yourself a break so you can relax. You have nothing to feel guilty over. I on the other hand do yet understand why I thought the things I did. Your a better person than I was so please relax and be at peace with yourself!

I don'tI don't think peace and rest for someone is ever wrong. I think we can also acknowledge that it is extremely more than okay and acceptable on every level that you need relief in your life as well. I think the common thought as a caregiver or even a loved one with somebody ill to that point, we feel like we should want them to live forever and hope for that. It's important to remember that if these elders were healthy they wouldn't need caregivers so it's only logical that we would be thinking of what happens in their future down the road. As a caregiver for both of my elderly parents while I work a full-time professional job, I can tell you that I'm many times have prayed to end their suffering and let them be at peace. Watching them struggle with pain and terminal confusion, the stress of daily life, and all of our frustration has been a huge cost to all of our lives and our family's lives. I hope it helps to know that I think all caregivers pray for some form of this whether they're willing to admit it or not.

We want our LOs to stay alive.
But what about those long progressive disease with no hope and everything is getting worse, slow and then like run away train. And co- morbidities appear and the pain and decline.
And everything is getting worse weekly, daily even.
And suffering they are going to face as there is no hope.

No. Not when you are dealing with an ungrateful, selfish, mean-spirited person that is lucky that anyone will put up with their $hit. That is my Dad. He is a wrecking ball to the family. I am learning to disengage and spell out to him what the limits of help will be.

Gracious! My mentally I’ll, alcoholic, Valium abusing mother with the same medical issues as your mother died four months ago. Honestly, I was ready for her to go; she had never been at peace a day in her life, and disrupted the peace of those around her.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a burdensome situation to end so that you may have peace. 💜

I often wonder why keep up with the life extending medications for a dementia patient...the cholesterol lowering drugs, the BP drugs, the blood thinning drugs.
Why?
I'm sorry, but it seems more merciful to die quickly of a stroke, or heart attack, than to suffer the long downward slide of dementia. I don't feel wrong for wishing for that, but medical practitioners seem determined to keep my sister alive for as long as possible. Why?

My husband is currently in long-term care after a severe stroke and there are times when I wonder what my life would be like if he passed away and I was no longer a caregiver - it will be tough when he finally comes home. But in cases like yours, I agree that you have nothing to feel guilty about: you're wishing for her peace as much as for yours.

As for hospice, it's my understanding that it's not necessarily only for the terminally ill. Check with your state agency on aging, maybe, and see what they say. God bless!

My parents just recently moved in with me. My dad ruined their finances, mom refuses to help him keeping his meds straight, I think she has dementia. My dad is a miserable mean man, but my mother is a bipolar, narcissistic mean lady. Today she was yelling how selfish I am (while I was cleaning and doing their bills). There is NOTHING I can do to make them happy. Nothing is good enough and everything is my fault. I have been in tears all day for the horrible things she has said to me today. I asked my sibling is any of them would cry at our parents funeral… none of them thought they would. I think if I was as miserable as my parents- I would get in my car and drive over a cliff. I have thought how much better life would be without them, sometimes i feel guilty, but then they say/do something to remind me
how hateful they are. I am using them as an example to myself HOW NOT to live my life. Good luck to you!!

Hey guys. I am in the same boat y’all were in. But the time is near the end of my grandpa. He was an a**hole , I keep trying to remind myself of that. I was never good enough for him. Even up to the day he went to the hospital he would complain argue etc. just stubborn as a horse. Near the end I think he did actually want to die.
my grandma and aunt were his primary caregivers and were so burnt out and annoyed with him. He’s very high maintenance. Now I and everyone else is shocked at our grief because he is laying in his death bed as we speak. We thought we’d feel better if he died, because that’s what we wanted for so long. And maybe we will after some time after his death has passed but for now we’re all feeling guilty for not treating him with more respect.
it’s kind of effed up. He was not physically there for his family for a long time (30-45 years) in the past 10 or so years he came to see us more and then finally when Covid hit he moved back to be with us because he was getting frail.

so really he emotionally neglected /physically neglected/ in some cases physically abused my aunt and mom when they were little but he still expected the whole world and more when he was getting old. We have given that to him. And strangely now I feel riddled with guilt that I wanted him to go.
at his bedside even though he’s unconscious on a ventilator idk if I should tell him my true feelings. They say the last thing to go is hearing and it would be nice to tell him how I really feel before he goes without having to argue with him.

I am so conflicted right now. It’s crazy.

im praying for everyone of you guys who were in my aunt /moms and I position a few months ago. Just wishing it would end. It’s finally here for us, we’re struggling with it.
praying for y’all

This is a link to an NPR article about this same story.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/03/08/1084912553/alzheimers-assisted-suicide-amy-bloom-in-love

Thank you all for not making me feel so alone regarding this topic. My mother insists she doesn't want to live past when she can't remember my name. I really respect her decision because Alzheimer's is such a debilitating disease. I have looked into California's Right to Die law and am appalled that this diagnosis is not included. So, I am supposed to watch my Mom mentally disappear along with her remaining money. The money is whatever, but she has repeatedly been obstinate about not wanting it spent on her care. I know some of you may criticize me for bringing up the subject matter of money, but when you can't get a Medi-Cal bed for six years in California!!!!! I imagine that finances are a big concern for many. That being said, I commented here to emphasize everyone's individual plights.

I really feel for all the people here who are being caregivers to difficult elders in their life.
No one has to do this though. No one has to pay a parent's rent so they can wreck the place.
No one has to tolerate abuse. No one has to do for a person who villifies and lies about them to whoever will listen, or who berates, belittles, or disrespects them.
No one has to put themselves into the bondage of caregiving slavery.
No one has to put their marriages and their own families in second place for a needy elder.
No one has to have their family home turned into a nursing home. Or a cluttered, hoarded mess because a needy elder likes things that way.
No one has to go broke or spend their own money on care for a needy elder.

So for everyone here, please think of this as the Caregiver's Magna Carta.
You have rights and so do your families.

This is why there are nursing and board and care homes. This is why there is Medicaid. Elders who have income and assets are supposed to use those to pay for their care.

So sorry to hear this. I sympathize. My 93 yr old mother has lived with me for 10 yrs. She is in good health. Walks with a walker, she won't exercise. Has fallen a few times and doesn't understand that if you don't use your muscles they get weak. She has some pretty good hearing aides but never hears when I speak.
Not disabled.
I work full time, and have to do everything for her. It isn't appreciated. My children blame her lack of respect/appreciation for what I do for her on her age. I think its not too much to ask for a simple please or thank you sometimes, or clean up the crumbs left on the kitchen counter. I'm beyond over this. She will not change either. I think I will go before she does if I don't get a break. Don't think it's horrible for thinking it's time for them to go. You are not alone.

Six weeks now and they *still* won't let my mother out of hospital because she won't eat or drink enough to meet their criteria for discharge. I have told them we are sure she won't do it while her mental condition is going downhill from the boredom and confusion of being stuck in a ward with nothing to look at and no one to give her personal attention, but they won't listen. I have POA but it doesn't seem to give me any legal right to have her moved, even though I have now found a local care home with a great reputation that is willing to have her.

She now says she just wants to sleep for ever. I don't like the idea of her dying in this ward when she could have one last look at the snowdrops before she goes. In fact, she may not even want to go if she gets better care.

I would talk to my pastor, as at times I'm not sure how long I can cope with this maelstrom of feelings, but he's off on a skiing trip!

Best advice is talk to your pastor, or a priest .

Admins:
Could this post be moved to discussions?
It is a much valued post with a good question that is often asked by those visiting Forum. I would love to see it survive in discussions.

My wife 80 is now confined to bed and can’t walk or even sit up for a long time. She has onset of dementia. I know she hates how she is and wants to get better but it will never happen. It is difficult to live with her this way. She was always a happy person. I can’t imagine what she thinks

I agree with you. My mum, 88 with probable NPD, deafness and dementia, who has never had a positive attitude to anything much, got flu, fell and has been in hospital for five weeks. Although recovered from the stomach infection she caught in hospital, she is now refusing to eat and drink enough for them to discharge her, and seems to be wasting away. But as she is constitutionally strong, her body is not giving in easily. Family and medical staff have tried our best to help her and encourage her to get better, but to no avail so far. I totally empathize with your wanting your mum - and all those she affects negatively - to have peace at last; my mum's quality of life was low before the fall and is now non-existent.

My feelings about the situation are so mixed up that I am suffering from stress-related headaches, muscle pain, etc. Lucky I'm already on anti-anxiety medication because of our difficult relationship, or I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up in the bed next to my mother...😒!

My moms a great gal and a terrific mom. I also think of when she goes to her reward and I get a full life all about me. If it is wrong then I am as guilty as you! P.S. My counselor says it is not them we want gone but this life we are stuck with.

It sounds as if you are exhausted, both mentally and physically, and just having a weak moment at times. It is overwhelming to witness your mother's extreme physical decline, and the frustration and anger that she is exhibiting as a result. Giving in to it at times is only normal, and you should not beat yourself up over it. There are caregiver support groups and therapists who can help you work through your feelings, and provide you some much needed relief.

You're probably right about her really being "fine".

Anyone, friend or relative, who's in very ill condition, with no hopes of recovery and only lots of pain needs to be allowed, given permission to go - if that makes any sense. No matter the circumstances and the feelings, in the end it's mostly about ending the suffering of family or others we know.
In spite of our feelings, when time is up for anyone we know or love, there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel.
I have a friend who's cat recently had to be put to sleep, and even she said the same thing - there is no point in making a living being suffer. If it's time we go we need to allow death to take place. Nothing fun or cheerful, but just has to be.

My dad ditched my sick mom and married a much younger woman. Now that young woman has to wipe him up and care for him because he is old, unwell, can't help himself at all. She calls and rages and screams at me all the time and I let her. I guess I owe her that outlet? I don't know. She's threatening to dump him somewhere. Refuses to spend the money he has left on a nursing home. I'll bet she wishes he would die but she sure did like spending his money for the high rollin' years he was mobile. Now it's clear she hates him but she has power of attorney and all control.

No I don’t think it wrong when the parent has been a difficult controlling person all of their life and is determined to go on in the same way until they die.

I figured it out

My mom is gaslighting me

Its just a feeling, not an action. Do not feel guilty

I had a stroke last year. Perversely, I didn't die. I even took a bunch of pain meds but just threw them all up. But I am being punished for the stroke, My wife, now the ex, did not help. I fix my own breakfast, go to the bathroom, and take my own showers all NO help.
Marriage is a chimera and so is love. And I am done with my rant.