My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I am angry and bitter and am not thinking fondly of my mother because she dumped this on us because they did not trust their kids.
My mother died last year and I’m in year three of dealing with my father’s Medicaid for his nursing home stay. I hate them this. I wish my father was gone already so can feel some relief.
It is pretty awful to say this but that is his how I feel. I have to do this and worry about all this for someone who is not there anymore and is just existing.
They didn’t have this stress with their parents and I resent them for their lack of foresight.
As I watch my MIL disappear from dementia, I find myself wanting that same freedom for her and for my husband and I.
Like many of you, I have a caregiving for my parents backstory that spans years and would take pages to type. But Mom is finally in an AL facility and doing pretty well there.
The good news is I don't have to fill her pill minder, make sure she takes all her meds, make sure she eats, stand outside the bathroom while she showers, help her off the toilet when she is stuck, etc. etc. etc. because there is a care staff and a RN on her floor. The flip side of the coin is that Dad died last year and my estranged sister --who lives 5 minutes from Mom--wont visit and rarely calls Mom, so I am the person who has to do Mom's weekly shopping for incidentals, has to make her numerous ongoing doctor/medical appointments and then take her to them, plus I'm the one who the RN calls and says Mom has a cough and low-grade fever so I need to take her to urgent care immediately to be tested for COVID. And of course, I have to pay all of her bills and manage Mom's business affairs.
Everyday I wake up and feel like managing Mom, her healthcare, and her finances is a prison sentence I have to serve--and it won't stop until she dies. It's difficult to explain to somebody who isn't in a similar situation, but it feels like I'm carrying a heavy rock that is slowly crushing me.
I corrected her and said "no, you want a few things."
It went right over her head.
Either way, I'm not dropping everything to run to the store. She can wait until this weekend.
It sounds like you have reached your limit, there is a lot of understandable rage and desperation in your message. Please try to take some time for yourself, it sounds like you too are the only caregiver and are likely sleep deprived and burned out. I have started to look for support in my area (I am not sure yet what is available), please do the same too. You need time off. Is there any way you can go on a short vacation (even just a staycation in which you can sleep and recover) while your mother is in the hospital and being cared for? It is hard to be always sweet and loving when there is never a reward and the past was not great to begin with. Is there anybody else who could possibly alternate with you taking care of her, or would it be possible for her to go to AL, where trained personnel? We are humans, and caregiving is one of the hardest job. Forgive yourself, and try to find some moment of serenity. I don't know if counseling is an option you may want to try, or if there is somebody you can talk freely too over a cup of tea or coffee.
And, to answer your question, sometimes wishing somebody dead actually means wishing for the freedom that will come to the caregiver when the person is gone. It is not right, but it is understandable and human, as long as, like in our case, it remains a desperate thought. Try to carve yourself some freedom, you deserve it. A hug to you, I hope things will improve soon.
as far as I’m concerned, it’s completely understandable, and the only thing that is really wrong with this is that you felt (again, totally understandable!), a bit odd for feeling this way. A good person feels “wrong” for wanting to be a free soul!
I truly believe that it is perfectly reasonable and appropriate. It is basic self preservation! It is a part of survival, and very important.
I applaud your efforts to this point.
also, *Jenny10* has some good advice about tactics! Changing subject/leaving the room…yes. Coping strategies until she gets into the nursing home! She really needs
that level of care, .
and I agree, please get her into a nursing home. She sounds as though she needs that level of care.
ill say it again 😊
and YOU NEED OUT! But YOU must be your own advocate, really. YOU have to get it happening.
I am so proud of you and your HONESTY!!!
I can truly empathize…So much LUCK and hugs,
and admiration❤️
She actually turned out to be a really nice person and didn’t even ignore to her sad talk- it was just talk?
you could say hey mum let’s talk about something nice-the worlds too sad to talk doom and gloom and change the subject or get yourself busy and leave the room and make tea or something
she may get the hint
that said it sounds like you’ve been coping for a long time and reached your threshold of what you can continue coping with/putting up with
time to explore care options
she sounds like she needs full time care now
your visits will be less stressed to her and you will recover from the caring you’ve done and things won’t seem so bad
is it wrong to feel like you are
no
You’re at burnout and had enough
try and get the. Care sorted out before you spoil the relationship you’ve nurtured so well fir such a long time
you need rest- self care
explore all options of help so that you have some me time
best wishes
I'm feeling especially down and defeated the past few weeks. I'm beyond exhausted and cry a lot. My poor mother has lived with me since 2015. She's now 88, was diagnosed with alzheimers in 2013. It's a brutal disease. I've become so angry and impatient, and I can't figure out why? She's not mean, selfish (well not anymore than a small toddler can be), not abusive towards me. She's just confused and scared. She is eating less and less and just losing so much weight. Doctor says her mind will go and body will follow, well I'm watching it. She just wants me - to hold her hand, or hold her like a small child. But I'm so tired, in pain, just sick of the situation, that I can't stand it, until I finally settle down at night and sit next to her. The rest of the day is a blur, cleaning, laundry, etc.
We were best friends my entire life, I'm 63.
I'm sick at heart, having to watch my beautiful, once so vibrant, mother be beaten down by this horrible disease. She's from France, and is tough, born in 36. She's been through hell already! She doesn't deserve this. She raised us, 3 children, pretty much on her own. I owe her my life, I know that. She's extremely intelligent, a Libra, and everyone always loved her.
I get on that pity pot at times, then look at her and hate myself! She's lost everything. Her greatest fear was always alzheimers. She would hate this.
But she still sits on the couch, smiling as she draws on her paper, smiling at the tv, enjoys her ice cream at night, and looks at me like a little girl, with total trust.
So why am I posting this? Because I'm so alone, and so scared. I hate my anger, don't understand it. I love her, why am I so impatient?
Sometimes I do think it would be a relief for her to just go in her sleep. But at night I always say, not yet, I'm not ready to lose her yet. No matter how much it is killing me. I know I'll never be ready to lose her. I'm afraid of what will happen when the time comes.
I have been sole caregiver, 24/7 for 6 years, no help at all. Before when I worked, I paid someone, even my sister, to watch her when I worked. Now there is no one.
I guess I'm just venting. A little afraid doing that, but I'm desperate enough to chance it. Not sure what I'm asking, maybe just for someone to hear me, and understand.
Thanks to anyone who reads and understands.
My heart goes out to anyone in this situation.
Your mom is beyond blessed to have you.
I pray that you can find some peace, strength and comfort for yourself.
Great big warm hug!
Best to laugh about the situation, once it’s over everyone will be able to heal once and for all.
Maybe at that time you’ll just remember the good stuff, what there was anyway :)
I can’t laugh about it yet. Doubt I ever will. Keep wishing for something to take him already.
You are an adult.
You are going to have to take responsibility for 50% of this weary battle with your mom.
Sorry, she is old and failing and a pain-in-the-neck, as they say.
But we should/could expect more from you.
You have several time mentioned hatred of your mother.
The best thing to do when we hate someone is to withdraw from their general vicinity. As Burnt says, drop off the diapers. Figuratively and literally. Hatred does no good to change her and hatred eats YOU from the inside out.
As I said, you are responsible for your actions, as an adult.
You will suffer for it if you have hatred for your mother. You will suffer for it even when she is GONE. And then you will wish to tell us all about that, as well, as though we have an answer for hatred.
When there's an answer to hatred I think I will rule the world.
You can drop off Moms Depends, and whatever else at the nurse’s office and not even see Mom . They will bring them to her if you tell them you need a break from Mom . I did this. My mother also resorted to sitting at the front door waiting to ambush me with her vitriol and make a scene . I would call the receptionist that sat at the front door . If my mother was sitting there , the receptionist would send someone out to my car to get the things I brought so I didn’t have to come in. This was on and off for a few months until Mom calmed down a bit .
I could drop dead right there in the room and she'd fuss at me for not taking care of her latest complaint before I died.
I can say yes he should be gone already. No one should linger like this. I hope the end comes soon for both our sakes.
I was curious as to how DH was handling this 'anniversary' and asked him if he was 'all right'. He said "Yeah, why are you asking?' I reminded him it had been one year since his mom died, and he paused for a nanosecond and said "I am absolutely fine. So glad she's gone. Her last year of life was complete hell on all of us."
And that was it.
I'd written on this forum about her, a lot, and I personally was just fine when she died. One thing that WAS sad was that the mortician who 'laid her out' kept apologizing for how she looked. He said it was impossible to 'arrange' her face in anything remotely looking like a smile. We said "Well, that's exactly how she looked in life, so no worries."
She was a miserable, angry person for all her adult life. Maybe she had some pleasant moments as a child, but you wouldn't have known it.
My mom died on February 16th two years ago and the anniversary barely hits my radar. It was what it was and my grieving for it won't change it, I made peace with it before she died. So I can get where your hubby is coming from.
Why can't you take your life back now? Why does your mother get to decide what your life will be like and whether or not you will be allowed to have some happiness in it?
You're an adult. Mommy doesn't get control of your life anymore unless you willingly let her have control.
If a blasting tv is your only refuge (and I know how it is) then you need to get away from your mother. You don't have to wait for her to die to give yourself a life. You can start doing that today.
I know all about the guilt and gaslighting our mothers use as weapons to manipulate us. Please believe me when I say, the worst guilt you could ever imagine having over leaving your mother behind will be nothing next to the misery you live in with her.
Start taking back your own life. No one has to die in order for you to do this.
I would make enquiries at the hospital on what services are available to you - that your mother requires a level of care you arent able to give anymore. She needs to go into a care facility. I would have thought the hospial would have suggested that with all of her ailments. Go speak to someone in charge and express your concerns that you cannot cope anymore and can they help find a solution for your mother as she cant return back home - the care isnt available.
You also need to rest and get some me time. Take advantage of that whilst she is in hospital. You cant live on guilt burning yourself out. You need to explore some counselling to get rid of /manage the hurt inside of you so that you can move on with your life in a positive way. Good luck - I wish you well. (time for your life now)
You have taken on a daunting task in caring for your mother.
But you don't have to wait for her to die to take your life back. And it's insensitive and just mean of her to say you do.
Next time she is admitted to the hospital, refuse to have her discharged to you. Find a long term care home for her. Sounds like it was not a good relationship to begin with. Please don't let her drag you and your sister down. Don't use your savings. Have her Apply for Medicaid.