How do you tell your mom that she can’t live with you because it would be too hard to manage work and caregiving?

Help, did you make it clear to your mother before she bought into this duplex that you did not go along with her plan to migrate back to your home for the summer? As long as you did speak up at the time - and I understand the difference between your saying something and her hearing you - then your conscience is clear. You didn't agree to her coming back for the summer, you can't be held to any kind of obligation to provide her with a summer residence. She'll have to make another plan.

The tricky bit is that if the duplex is warm in the winter it's going to be pretty stifling in the summer, isn't it? Fortunately, your mother is too young for this to be a serious health concern; but it does mean that she might want to rethink her overall living arrangements for the future.

Is it selfish to want to lead your life with your husband freely, unencumbered by your mother's needs? That's easy: no. It isn't. It's normal. You've earned it.

Maybe you could think about inviting your mother for a week or two, and ask your children to join in for a Grand Family Luncheon or something, bringing the grandchildren, just to be friendly? Arranging dates for this might even be a good way of bringing the subject up and making it politely clear that the invitation is for that fixed period only, and not for the entire season.

I'm so sad to read of your father's illness and passing. What terrible things were visited on loyal servicemen, I'm very sorry for it.

Of course that is not selfish, helpsos! Or at least your refusal to let her move in isn't selfish -- her expectation to move in does seem selfish to me.

I know several couples who spend summer months here in Minnesota and the other 9 months of the year in Arizona or Texas or Florida. In no case does it involve living in their kids' homes. Being a snowbird is a fine thing (if you are healthy and can afford it) and it in no way obligates relatives to provide a residence at either end of the circuit.

Do you want to play summer hosts for the next 30 years? Do you want to play year-round hosts when Mom decides she hates Florida or living near her sister or traveling back and forth?

JUST SAY NO.

Do not move your mother in with you if you think it will not work - most times it doesn't. It is just too hard to combine two adult households, so your Mom should not take this personally. You will be saving a whole lot of heartache for you both. Your Mom is looking to you as an emotional crutch. It is not your fault that she is unhappy - not your responsibility. Wouldn't it be nice if we really could make others happy and take away all their problems?
Find your Mom an appropriate living environment. That could be staying in her own home with increasing in-home care or an ALF where she would have more interaction and activities to keep her busy. She really needs more social contact. Also, does she have any hobbies that she liked to do? Involve her in looking for her new digs and in finding hobbies that she would like to try - but do not become her entertainment.
She is isolating herself and that only intensifies how she if feeling. And she needs to be involved in improving her own mental health. But none of this is your fault or responsibility - so don't take that on your shoulders.

My Dad moved in with me about a year ago. It was a big adjustment for both of us. Dad is in the beginniing stages of Alzheimers/Dementia and his short term memory is pretty bad some days. Try to get your Mom to see a Geriatriciation (elderly M.D.) and she definitely needs to get on antidepressants. It helps to deal with all the changes going on within her life. Dad is on Zoloft. In the beginning, it was really hard to get out the door to go to work. I found an organization called Seniors Helping Seniors and life really changed. They come Monday through Friday and make sure he eats breakfast, brushes his teeth, get dressed and get on the "free" bus to the Senior center twice a week. One day a week, they stay longer and they take him out and about. This way I can get out the door to work. Unfortunately, it does cost money unless your Mom has a really good Long Term Care Insurance policy Yes, you still appointments to take your Mom to, but maybe some of them that are simple, you can have an outside caretaker take them. I try to schedule appointments either very early or later in the day so as not to interrupt my job too much. Maybe, suggesting Assisted Living at a place nearby could also be okay. Dad associates everything with a Nursing Home but we are going out together to look at Assisted Living/Alzheimers places so the transition in the future will be hopefully smoother.

My Father passed 5 years ago at the age of 58. My Mom has hounded myself and my kids to live with us since he has passed. She is just now 61 and decided she wanted to live in a warmer climate with her sibling. She sold her house and bought a duplex with her sister and loves being there during the winter months and I am very happy for her. She retired at a young age due to be able because of benefits from my Father serving in the Army and passing from cancer caused by Agent Orange. Now that spring is arriving, she is ready to come back for the summer. My husband and I raised 4 kids and have them raised and out of the house and they all have their own families. She has always been kinda of a "me person" and doesn't consider your responses when she asked to stay with you for 6 months out of the year. I do not want my Mom living with my husband and I. It is our time to enjoy each other. Is this selfish of us?

helpsos - no this is not selfish. This is appropriate self care. You and your husband have raised your family, and deserve time together now, without the burden of a parent or any other person in your home. We have cases here where the stress put on a couple by a parent moving in has had some pretty unpleasant results on the health of individuals and on their marriages. Your mother has no right to move in with you. Where she lives the other 6 months of the year is not your problem. My mother is self centered too, actually narcissistic, and had lots of plans for me which suited her but which did not suit me, so they did not happen. I would never allow her to live with me as she would take over my home and ruin my life. With people like that you need to set limits. Just tell her kindly that this is not an option. I would be wary even of her coming for a visit. My mother did this then refused to leave a couple of times and it took some work to get her back to her home. After that I said she could not stay with me any more so, she came to visit and stayed in a hotel. That was manageable, though I was still working and she thought I could leave work and socialize with her just because she was there. Uh - no!

Read here about parents moving in - there is a "search site" box on the upper right of the page. You will find some horror stories.

Look after yourselves and don't let her guilt you into anything.

Helpsos, your mom is too young to be giving away her independence because she's lonely, unsure of creating a new life or whatever her reason is for wanting to move in with you. She needs to get involved in whatever sparks her interest, like volunteer work or a part time job or taking a class. But while your worlds should overlap,you can't be the center of her world again as you were when a child. And...and this is big.....you don't want to put your husband in a no win situation. He may say yes to a couple week visit and then when she isn't looking like she's getting on with her own life, what's he supposed to do?

You have an opportunity here we wish we had.....you get to sit with your husband and discuss what you want as a team. You two are too young to start on this road.

Y'all are too young to baby sit lonely mom who's too young to not be getting out their and living her own life like you are free to do. Enjoy your empty nest time with your husband and just say no to mom. Mom needs to get a life and you need to keep your life. That's it in a nutshell. Good luck!

I'm the only girl too. (My brothers have been less than useless).

Sounds like Mom might benefit from seeing a doctor or counselor regarding her depression. Meds and or therapy could be of some help. The isolation (and sometimes fear) of living alone - especially at her age, can be a huge factor with anxiety and depression.

Was she ever social? Is a senior community/apt complex within the realm of possibility?

Does she have close siblings who might also be living alone?

Is there any sort of volunteer organization you might get her interested in? A lot of retired persons volunteer with Red Cross disaster services in my area, and thus stay as busy as they want to be.

Would it help to talk to your brothers and have them invite her to stay at their homes for a month of so at a time? I had an elderly relative who did just that - staying with different adult children for weeks to months at a time.

You have a fine line to walk here, and you need to set things in place NOW to insure that if family is going to be primarily responsible for Mom, that you aren't the only one simply because of your gender.

You have responsibilities to yourself, your children and your job. Some of us here at the board gave up jobs to care for our parents, and as a consequence find ourselves without the funds or the time to meet our own needs.

You might also consider speaking to a counselor about all of this before it becomes overwhelming. I wish you all the best.

Better the system break down than you - right?

Perhaps one thing you could try is a type of compartmentalization. Surely you've done it before. Its when your kids are home sick and you NEED to be at work. Or you're freaked because you might not make the whatever payment on time this month but you still have to take and pass an important test. . . Other things, important things, serious-life-changing-things may be happening in one part of your life - but if you make them your sole focus you could end up dropping all the other balls you have in the air, and then you'd really be in trouble!

Perhaps making a list or two would help.

First, a worry list, and you can tote in around and keep it on your desk and on your bedside tabel at night. It helps quiet my mind at bedtime to have all my worries written down, so I won't run them over and over in my mind when I need to be sleeping.

Second, a daily updated to-do list. Call the doctor back. Fill the script. Pay the bill. Mail the letter. Call the friend. Scratching these off each day or moving them to the next day and then the next day until they are done. This also might help you focus both with friends and with work at hand.

Try to make time every day to ask how your friends are. be specific. Ask how you can help them. Your problems may be more pressing than theirs, but they still need an ear and a shoulder.

My house is totally upside down with worry for a number of very serious reasons. I have a note on my monitor now that says "never forget how lucky you are". It sounds silly - but everytime I see it I take a moment to be grateful, for as difficult as the situation is, it could be worse. (And as it seems likely at present that it IS indeed going to get worse, I am saving up my anger and tears for a real BIG breakdown.
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Two brothers. Well-liked, successful, professional men who haven't been to see their mother (or me) in more than 5 yrs.