Wishing my Dad would just quietly slip away. Any advice?

My father finally gave his last breath Wednesday afternoon. All 5 of his children, 2 daughters-in-law and a granddaughter had been at his house for several days. From his bedroom, Dad could hear us all in the next room, laughing, remembering, enjoying being together. He couldn't participate much, but knew we were there and we each spent some private alone time at his bedside.
The last 2 days he was asking if there was anything he should be doing. Mom usually said "no, just go to sleep". After reading posts about unfinished business I started answering with saying the bills were all paid, the paperwork was all put away, the checkbook was balanced, his e-mail correspondence was caught up, the lawn was mowed and the Yankees won. He noticeably relaxed and could doze off for a couple hours.
When he finally passed there were 10 of us surrounding his bed, all gently laying a hand on him. We took turns telling Dad our last good byes, thanking him for being such a good father, assuring him we would take care of Mom. He passed in a room bursting with love and respect for him.
In hindsight we can never know why he hung in so long. Maybe it is simply because he was incredibly healthy. He was old, but had no heart disease, kidney trouble, high blood pressure or cholesterol, diabetes or anything. This time last year he was golfing and driving! Alzheimer's does not take a life in a kindly manner.
Thanks to all of you who offered your personal stories and advice. It was very helpful to know people who had been through it were kind enough to help me go through it as well.

I was blessed to be at my Mom's side when she passed. After being in and out of a nursing home during 2019, they sent her home (the day before Thanksgiving), as Medicare would no longer pay for her to be in the nursing home, as she could no longer perform rehab. I was frustrated that I would be her 24 hour caregiver, and miss Thanksgiving with my family. Little did I know at that time that it would be a blessing that I had the "opportunity" to be with her at this time. We had the wonderful assistance of hospice and she and I had the opportunity to bond even more at this time. She was of sound mind and, after 6 days, she no longer could eat or drink. She was able to tell me of the new world that she wanted to go to and could speak with me lucidly, while looking to the side at another plane. I cannot tell you how grateful I was to be there when she passed. I told her, as you did your dad, that it was okay for he to go. She asked me "will you worry" - please don't worry - I told her I wouldn't worry. She left us within 9 hours of the talk. My final days with her were recorded on the Nest camera, that we had in her living room (where her temporary hospital bed was installed). We had utilized the camera over the past 6 years for security and which enabled me to check and speak to her from my cell phone. She enjoyed being watched and I had peace of mind, knowing she was okay. I am doubly blessed, as our goodbyes are a permanent record that I can look at whenever I wish. Yes, it makes me cry, but it also is healing. I will never regret my time with her. I know you're frustrated -- I was, as well, until I recognized that she would be gone soon.

I’m terribly sorry. This is a very difficult time. This feeling of being ready for him to pass is mentally healthy — you are accepting what you cannot change.

You are having a tough time reconciling that he not the person he once was. You may miss that person and feel resentment for the stranger that has hijacked his body. It is painful torture to watch someone slip by.

From your description, your Dad will not likely live long. When he is gone you will miss this person too. You may even long to go back to this time.

Try to enjoy his life and your life now. It is hard to be positive in the face of loss, but look for those silver linings. Accept that he is doing his best. Sit with him and love him for who he is. Play his favorite music of his youth, read him his favorite author, share clips of Johnny Carson, Lawrence Welk, vintage football footage, John Wayne, whatever he liked and whatever relaxed him once. You may experience some “Awakening” moments that will be precious to you someday.

Give your dad as much love as you can because this time will seem fleeting when you later reflect.

There is a time to be born. And there is a time to die. And though there are numerous difficulties that play a factor in our emotions. The truth is the answer is simply put just that simple. At this point there is nothing you or anyone can do except "WAIT". I'm trying not to take your truth and make it my own. But I am compelled to say that I too wish my mother would just go to sleep and never wake up. I'm not blaming my mother or anyone for the hard choices and decisions that I've had to make. But with that said I fell into this role of being my mother's caregiver by default or for lack of a better word by accident. It was a role that I wasn't prepared for. And for the past 6 years it is a role that has damn near killed me. My mother is a very demanding, ungrateful and abusive woman. And my family are like cancerous tumors. I am 33 years old. I have not a friend in this world. I have nothing set aside for myself. I am completely ALONE. I work at a dead end job. I have an interest in playwriting. And have even written a couple of plays. But nothing has materialized in terms of production. I tend to all of my mother needs. The house we share. And each day is a never ending cycle of suffering, despair and crippling emotions. That leave me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually destitute. I know I should just get up one day and start walking and never return. Just leave all of this NOTHING behind. I often close my eyes and imagine myself in a place that is so far away. That when I do open my eyes it feels even just for a moment like I'm a stranger or a guest visiting in my own soul. But the realities of my reality is never far. And a victory for me is not indulging in continuous thoughts that tell me to give up. And take the easy way out. So I know that its hard watching a loved one linger on. It is draining. But we are not the givers of life. Just as we are not the takers. All I can tell you is to pray. And cling to your faith. And truly beware of what your heart is crying out for. Cause even when you think that you have cried all the tears. That you have felt all that there is too feel. Nothing not even all the death in the world can prepare you for that day. When he does slip away. This moment is not yours. This one is solely between him and his maker. Perhaps in my own reasonings that is one of the certainties that keep me here. Knowing that its not much of a life. But its more than many have/has been given. All you can do is continually show and give LOVE. Nothing more and certainly nothing less. And when he does slip away. Knowing that you never wavered will give you peace. And you'll never from that moment forward know a day where you have to question or ask yourself did I go the distance? And did he know?

I should that reading through these stories have caused me many tears, tears of sadness of it reminds me of losing my own dad but also tears of joy in a sense to hear the beautiful sentiments expressed in peoples own experiences. It makes me know I am not alone in these kind of thing.

Imho, IF possible take care of yourself by attempting to get adequate rest during your father's fight. Prayers sent.

you are pretty much in the exact same position I was in 2 1/2 years ago with my then just turned 93 yo dad, although he was in a facility. As if often said here he always wanted to go home, and even though I dont know if he knew where he was, I wish we could have kept him home but he was totally immobile at that point and it would have been too hard for my mom, even with help from me and outside aids.

Anyway, I dont have anything profound to say but reading your story brings me back to those days and I very much send my best wishes for now and the days and months to follow.

I think you are also being better than I was as you see the end is here an wish he would peacefully move on, whereas I was trying to squeeze out every last day and that was not always to his benefit. (e.g I was getting care workers to fee him even when he didnt seem hungry, as I thought that would keep him around longer. The care workers said if hes not hungry hes not hungry and force feeing him will cause more discomfort.

Make sure you yourself have told him your feelings too he could be waiting for that as well. We had a good family situation too and my MIL felt she could leave 3 days after her son my hubby told her it was Ok to let go, my first hub was the same way with me.
BUT even 90+ yr old bodies can be stronger than imagined. Has he quit taking water do his jaws seem locked? Are his extremities mottled a wee bit blue in appearance? As to brain dead (life support) you’d look for fingers hands toes curling turning if you will. There are physical signs to look for. Best of all is to be at peace with this (you & them) and let them do what they need to do.

As you've heard here, no doubt, this phase is very physically and emotionally draining, so your feelings (in my mind) are perfectly healthy and natural. You are indeed blessed with a great family. I applaud your strength and I wish you serenity.

This is the hardest stage of hospice. My heart is with you.

One day he will slowly slip away. You may not even notice that he has stopped breathing. It is hard to wait, I know because I was by my Dad’s side while we waited. Evidently he was a good man and led a good life because he has all his loving family around him. Death doesn’t get any better than this and it comes for us all. Breathe. Play soothing music and he will be gone and you will remember him with sadness. Meanwhile, write your feelings down in a notebook.

Your loved ones are fortunate you're there in their final hours, There are a couple Youtube channels, Crime Scene Cleaning, and Frisse Kater, where the person has died alone and not found for days or weeks later.

Giving the ice cream prolongs the dying.

The body is a complex machine. He will pass when Lord is ready and calls him Home. He has had a good long life. He will pass when his body stops working and the Lord is ready. Get things in order in the meantime and relax. Say sweet things to him. Sweet memories to talk about to him that he may hear and remember. He may also have a strong will to live. Wishing comfort for your Dad and for you all.

This wish is normal. It is very difficult to watch the person you love die. Please do not be too hard on yourself. Prayer helps a lot. When my dad was very close to death, I read the book of Psalms in the Bible. I read to him outloud by his bedside. You might try these suggestions. Most importantly stay close to your family, and give yourself care and grace.

Seems he will pass soon. So glad that everybody came to visit and assure him of their love. Also glad that you have reminded him that you'll care for mom.

As an RN, I have cared for terminal patients. Some will wait until all the family is gathered to pass. Some prefer the privacy and wait until all are out of the room. Some need to know that "life tasks" are completed or taken care of. I had a Catholic patient that needed last rites before passing, and she was in a coma. All this to say, he will pass when he is ready and God says "Come home."

Perhaps by now your father has passed since you haven't been here for a few days.

Our hospice nurse suggested that there was "unfinished business" when my mil lingered much longer than expected. She had stated often she wanted us to go to WDW after she passed, so that day I bought tickets online for WDW. I told her I'd just bought our tickets, she nodded (she had not communicated with us for two weeks except for one day when she verbally relived her entire life), and forty-five minutes after that nod, she passed.

So, if your dad is still lingering, is it possible that there is unfinished business of some sort?

It is wonderful that your family has been in and everything is "drama free". I had this "problem" with my mother. Dad, my brother and I were with mom (or at least one of us was) 24/7 for the last few days. Even the hospice nurse could not believe mom had not moved on several days before.
Finally, as my children got ready to go back to their homes, we told mom we were going to go to the dining room for lunch together. Just before we sat down, Dad decided to go check on her. She was gone, we had not been out of the room 5 minutes. She was waiting for us to leave her alone! Mm was leaving on her own terms, and we had been messing those up by staying beside her.
Good luck with your part of this journey with your father. May you both find peace.

Maybe he doesn’t want to let go of sll the love he is surrounded by. God will know when it is time. Either way the memory of him hanging on will most likely be something you will all be telling generations to come and that alone will show how much love you all shared. God Bless

This is a tough one. It is wonderful to hear your family is close and all on the same page.
Usually there is something that hinders a soul from moving on. Everyone knows the phrase "unfinished business". Its the need to find an answer to something, Anything we are unclear of. So that brings us to an enigma. If someone suffers from Alzheimers or Dimentia, how will they find clarity. How can they move on. It frustrates them (I think). When my husband was Ill,(God rest him) we talked about letting go. I made him promise to not linger. Because when I pass, I want to be with him. I believe that souls that don't let go of the living world, may get lost in limbo, searching for that answer. If he is still able to speak, or even listen, your family can talk to him. Bring up memories. Good and bad times. Gather everyone and talk about stuff. Reminisce. He will hear you. I've been there before. With my husband, his room full of family and friends, sharing stories. He was not conscious. He passed the next morning.
I am an eldercare provider. I had 3 patients on Hospice. Not all at once, because every single one of them deserved my all. The last one to pass, was asking to see me. She was adamant about it to everyone. "Find Cindy"! I finally got in touch with her neighbor and was able to make it to her bedside. She was not conscious, but her attendants told us she can hear us. Her neighbor and I were the only ones in her room. So we spoke to her. I held her hand and poured out my heart. We both noticed her complexion change. She looked peaceful and happy. 3 minutes went by as we were talking when we noticed she left. TOD 17:36 Feb 4th 2020.
Yes, I do tend to go on and on. Just know that the experiences I've had the past 4 years have taught me a lot. Your family has compassion. A lot of it. Take a family get together to him. Talk. Laugh. Share. He might just find his unfinished business, and go into the light. Blessed be.

Sometimes, they are scared. It’s good that you told him that everything here will be OK. They need to hear that. But, sometimes in their life, like all of us, has done things we are not proud of. Whether he’s religious or not, you wonder what will happen to me after I die. My brother always made it through every operation. We couldn’t believe how many times he cheated death. The last time in hospital, the doctors told me I had to tell him he’s dying. Before that, a priest came in to pray for him & when the priest left, I turned to my brother & said how nice he gave you a beautiful prayer. My brother answered, doesn’t matter, it’s not gonna help me! So now I’m thinking did he kill someone? What did my brother do that he’s scared? So now I tell him he’s dying. I saw both eyebrows raise because he thought again he was going home. I told him, mom is waiting for you & she loved us kids, & would never let anything happen to him. She will protect & anything you did here on earth that was so bad, she will ask God for forgiveness. I will also take care & help your 3 children. He peacefully died. You have to find out why he’s holding on. I just would have a long talk with him. Tell him you will all be together someday & please be there for me when I die! Tell him how lucky he is to leave such a turmoiled earth. You are the only one that can take away his fears if that’s the reason why he’s hanging on! Just keep talking to him and reassure him that he will be OK. Ask him To protect you after he’s gone! Maybe that will give him some courage to pass. I had a step father dying of dementia. When I walked in, my step sister was there & told me she gave him a piece of her mind. I was shocked. I mean, this poor man couldn’t talk & his eyes were closed & she said things when he couldn’t defend himself. The next day I went to hospice & with him and I alone, I told him what a good step dad he was to me. I thanked him for being a good husband to my mother. As I was talking to him I saw his closed eyes moving back & forth so I knew he could hear me. I didn’t want him to take those bad words from his daughter with him. I wanted to give him good pictures to take with him! I told him he was lucky to leave this crazy world & I told him I loved him! People forget it’s not about you, it’s about a person leaving this world and they need reassurance. Find that for your dad! There’s something keeping him here. You need to try anything to give him that piece to move on. Good luck

I recently went through the same thing. Dad passed away 16 days after not eating and 9 days of not drinking. It’s horrible, but it’s also a relief. My thoughts are with you 💗💗

Hi Swanalaka, Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I had a situation like yours - after the 13th hospital stay, I brought him home to die. He was here one week, and I was laying in his hospital bed with him when he went home, talking to him, telling him how much he is loved, how thankful I was to have him as my husband, for the beautiful life we'd had together. The day before his passing, he told me two things that I'll carry in my heart for eternity. "I have two regrets - one is that I have to leave you, and the other is that I didn't marry you when we first met." He was my soulmate, best friend, my anchor in a crazy world, - my partner in crime - lol - what he has left behind is a empty shell of a person that's totally lost without him - I exist, but that's not living. Simply go through the motions. Gone 10 years now, and it's like it was yesterday. I miss him with every fiber in me. Point being; husband, father, whoever - let them go with no guilt on you. You're doing a great job,! Enjoy him now, wish him safe journey, and never forget the good times. Make sure he knows he's loved, beyond measure. Being a good daddy has surely earned him favor with his Saviour. God speed to him, prayers for you...

Swanalaka, may God grant you and your family grieving mercies and peace during this difficult time.

Jesus is always right on time! Many times I have been comforted knowing that HIS timing is always the perfect time.

Your dad is very blessed and your family dynamics says a great deal about the man you call dad. No doubt he will be missed, but what a beautiful legacy he has left.

Great big warm hug!🤗💗

Your dad will go when he is ready (probably in the next few days). Hopefully his brother or another family member will help him to crossover. My dad had his aunt that helped him to let go of this world.

I am sorry that you and your family are going through this.

You and your family are the envy of many caregivers. Having your father at home throughout this devastating disease is a gift. He knows he is loved and that your mom will be well taken care of. Your's is an exemplary family.

He will finally die, but in his own time. His death will be painless and peaceful. My wife lived in a coma for 14 days before finally taking her last breath. The family was there for her and I was comforted in the fact that her passing was so peaceful.

The Lord bless you.

Hi swanalaka,

When my mother passed 16 years ago I too told her that I would take care of my father and that we would be fine. She was mostly unconscious at the time. She passed a couple of days later. Earlier this month my father passed. That week he was visited by several family members. Without saying it out loud we knew we were saying goodbye. The day before he passed I reminded him of all who had visited him and that we were all doing well and would be okay.

It's nice to hear that you have a close loving family. That makes a world of difference dealing with the situation. On a similar note I read a lot of the bad experiences on this site that people have with nursing homes and hospice. But we actually had a very good experience with the NH he was in and ultimately the hospice personnel. That too helped make a big difference.

I'm fine now with his passing because he can be with my mom again. I hope you, your family and your father find peace soon too.

As a nurse I can tell you that the body's drive to live is strong. The heart is made to beat and it will do all it can to keep on beating, the lungs want to draw air in and they will do all they can to try to do so.
People tend to believe that people are not "letting go". Dying isn't that easy. It isn't up to our conscious mind.
I am so glad to hear there is such a loving group. Don't be surprised to feel both a gut punch when he is gone AS WELL AS relief that he won't have to suffer anymore, and you won't have to stand helplessly watching it.
I hope peace will come for you all soon. I am so sorry for your grief, and thankful for your support/

It certainly sounds like it won't be long that your father will be meeting Jesus face to face. I am going through a similar situation with my husband. He's been under Hospice care for the last 21 months, and he took a drastic turn on the 5th of this month. Hospice came out and told me that he would be dead in 3 days. Well here we are 16 days later and he is still here. He hasn't eaten in 17 days and only takes a few sips of his powerade a couple times a day. My children and grandchildren have all come to say their goodbyes, and I have told him that I will be ok, and for him to just go Home, and yet he lingers. And unfortunately Hospice hasn't been able to get his extreme pain under control, so he lingers in horrible pain. They have given me and him the option to take him to their facility , where they will give him drugs to knock him out until he dies, but my husband has always said that he wanted to die at home, so he has denied their offer. It's hard to watch someone you love in such pain on their deathbed, but I honor my husbands wishes to die at home.
I loved the line from Nobodygetsit that "Jesus is never late-He is always on time". I needed to read that today and remember that. So my prayer for you and your family (and myself) is that you enjoy every last moment with your loved one, and when Jesus does come to take them Home, it will be peaceful for all involved. God bless you.

Mom was a drawn out series of strokes and as what Medicare covered & wouldn't determined her next moves. She passed away in a facility. Dad was another story 5 days in the ICU and they got him to where he could go to hospice in their facility or at home. The 5 days in the ICU for Dad and he couldn't get out on his own power, I thought it in his best interest to use the facility there, any facilities were covered by Medicare and obviously 5 days later he wasn't eating and passed away in his sleep. I wanted the facility even though I preferred his home. The brothers didn't want him passing away in his house, their reason was motivated by thinking it would decrease the value of his home for the estate liquidation if he passed away in the house. That's another story in & of itself. I wanted to take Dad one last time to be with Mom when he was discharged from the ICU, had we goten him out & under his own power, I would've done that for him too. Mom was 5 years prior, their dog passed 3 weeks before Dad.

Anyway, I'm going to visit them all today after this response. Just be with your Dad, because every moment is precious and if he's not in pain, I wouldn't cheat anyone out of a single breath of their lifetime. Just not my call to wish for anyone, when he's ready, that passing happens. They will be gone in that moment, forever. And the upside is that your Mom, whether you realize it or not that the parents are quite often a package deal. When one passes, if they are both near the finish line, that may trigger the other's passing. I don't wish losing 2 parents like that on anyone, well, at least anyone that I truly like as even strangers. With the dog & Dad, the dog seemed to decline as rapidly as Dad did, they both knew it was time to join Mom based upon where they both were healthwise. The dog was too much like Mom, even 5 years after her passing, Dad was the same old stubborn old fart he always was and they were both trying to see each other to the finish line and neither backed off from that challenge of which would go first. With pets you have a Euthanasia option, people get hospice. That's the only reason why the dog was 3 weeks earlier than Dad, because it was a dead heat for stubborn and who would go first. I buried the dog with Mom, told Dad what I did and he knew I would ensure that the 3 of them would be buried together before anything else was settled. The 3 are them are in their right sized forever home. No taxes, no money worries, no traffic, no chores, no work to be done. They are truly retired for eternity. There are going to be days and I'm 2 1/2 years in that rearview mirror that you still have the memories of both, all 3 of them in my case.