Why is this the hardest thing I have ever done even though I know it is the right thing to do?

I feel your pain. We placed my MIL in memory care after rehab for a broken hip. She had lived with us for about 9 yrs. She does know who we are and who my parents are. Honestly it would be easier if she didn’t. She was there for 1 week and we brought her home. When we would go visit she would cry and beg us to take her home with us. It was awful. We tried to go every other day but then my mom would go and she would beg my mom to take her home saying if “Scott doesn’t won’t me I will pay you to take care of me” My mom is almost 85 and cares for my 91 yr old dad who has dementia. The facility we had her in was excellent from what we have heard from many people and a couple friends. We ended up bringing her home bc it was torture. I thought we should stay away for a week and see how it went but it was killing my husband. Honestly we brought her home for his sanity, but I am the one with her most of the time.
try not to feel guilty. I KNOW it is hard but as long as she is in a good facility that takes great care of her and she doesn’t know you most of the time then it will be the best for both of you.

I went to visit her for the first time yesterday. It had been 7 days. She immediately knew I was her daughter (which didn't happen a lot at home) and she looked good. She cried and asked if I could take her home (again she asked to go home while she was in her home) and said it had been years since i saw her. It was hard. Really hard. BUT it was easier to leave her there then when i had to leave her at home alone. I am trying to come to terms with the idea that my mom will probably never be "okay" again. I would give anything to take away her anxiety and fear that she must live with 24/7. This is the cruelest disease i can imagine. *for adults. Children being sick is the worst. Just wanted to make that clear!!
Overall i am feeling so much better now. She is safe(r), always has someone to talk to and now as i have heard from many people here, I can start to be her daughter and her advocate rather than her caretaker. I will keep you updated and thank you so much!

I am taking everyone's advice and not going to visit for 10 days. It is so hard but I want more than anything to give my mom the very best chance at adapting to her new situation so I will follow the recommendations. I appreciate everyone's support and honestly i don't think i could have done this without you! Thank you so much!

The final straw with MIL for me was getting woken up at 3am by fire fighters knocking on my door. To say I was livid when they told me they were there to pick MIL up off the floor because she’d snuck into her daughter’s dark lounge room and missed the lounge is an understatement. The paramedics were incompetent and did not have the standard chair to lift her a**. She went from here to hospital then a week later the nursing home. She should have been in there 2 years ago but her scumbag daughter liked the 650 a week carers payment to much. As soon it was light I called the elder abuse hotline and dropped them all in the proverbial turd pile. She’s no angel either. She used to ring from the back yard a 1am threatening self harm if she didn’t get smokes of poker machine IPad game credit, ringing around all her kids and grand kids. She blames me for her current residence but whatever get her through her day. She never took responsibility for anything even before this

UPDATE: She is there. It is definitely a HUGE weight off my shoulders and I am not allowing myself to really feel anything for at least 7 days. That is how long they suggested I wait til visiting her. I can't think about what my mom is feeling or else I would crumble. So numb I will be and I actually slept last night for 7b hours. No bad dreams. Not worried that my mom could have left her house and is freezing to death. Thank you to everyone for your advice, your shared experiences and your prayers. I hope I will be able to help someone else in the future who is dealing with the same struggles because this is where I learn everything about ALZ. My mom's PCP has never said the word dementia or ALZ and she was diagnosed in 2020. Luckily, this facility has a doctor who will accept my mom as a patient so another bonus!

So many wise words here, kstay10. I won't add any more but an encouragement to know you aren't alone, you've come to the right place, and please come back and let us know how things go.

Do not feel guilty about taking your mother to MC. She has reached the point where living on her own is detrimental in her situation. Just tell your heart that MC is the safest and best place for your mother. You said your mother was alone for a little less than a year, and in my opinion this is where you should have been worried about her being alone with dementia.

Don’t fret yourself about leaving your mother in MC. Everything will be fine with her, and you can visit her as often as you wish. You can rest assured that your mother will have 24-hour care there and you will have peace of mind knowing that she is safe in MC.

You are doing the right thing, yes, and it will feel much better after you get it done. Mom will have the care she needs and you and your sisters will be daughters who visit again instead of being caregivers. The three of you will relax and be better at your individual lives, and be better daughters as well. You can say you'll be back or anything to your mom to calm her if she seems agitated when you take her, since she doesn't remember anyway. I visited my mom every day after taking her, and in fact her home care lady and I took turns spending many hours with her for the first five days. Sometimes the staff doesn't appreciate it, but there was another resident coming in on the same day who needed a lot more attention, so the staff actually did appreciate our help with my mom. The other resident's family followed the advice to not visit and the poor lady was a mess. No ones fault. My mom did better with her home care person and me there. It all depends on your mom. Just be sure to not interfere with the care being given when you visit. They want her to get settled into her new routine.

So sorry that you are facing this. I was in your position about two years ago now. It was, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done. Wanting to take care of her but emotionally and physically unable to do it. I felt so torn between my own well being and hers.

I ended up visiting every day. My ALF had changed owners and I was in the middle of that transition of management but my mom forgot my home immediately, where she had lived for 5 years,

Only you will determine the visit cadence, Have a good care plan with the facility so you are comfortable with your expectations and theirs.

Give it time…be prepared to second guess but realize that you will never have a perfect outcome. Someone said that this is the “least bad” decision.

I will say that the time I had with her once she moved was more mother and daughter rather than a caregiver role. The time was precious.

My thoughts are with you. Update us on your progress.

My hospice team told me this::

if he doesn’t ask for food or water.. do not give it to him. His body doesn’t need it…

hospice social worker told this to her DH .. if I don’t ask for it, please do not prolong my disease by feeding my body…let my body snd mind go in peace…

It's one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Seeing my mother's mind waste away continues to be one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. And, I see it each and every week. It's a gut punch, for sure.

BUT, you and I can do hard things.

It's okay for part of our lives to be hard.

Not everything is easy.

Not everything can be fixed.

You're in good company, here on the forum.

Keep coming back.

I had to segue my mother into Memory Care from her beloved assisted living apartment and she wasn't happy about it. But her dementia had reached a point where she needed more care that the AL could not provide, and her mobility had declined at the same time, so there was no other choice.

The truth is, DEMENTIA is the bad guy here. Not you or I. But the horrible disease that strips our loved ones of their identity and turns them into a shell of their former selves. Whether they become angry and combative, hurling ugly and hurtful words at us, or they shut down entirely and stop communicating, just staring off into space. It's all bad. Nobody wins when dementia enters the picture. So we choose the lesser of the bad choices.....as they're ALL bad choices at this point, and we pray for peace. Peace for ourselves and peace for our loved one. Wasn't a day that I didn't pray to God to take my mother with Him and away from all of her difficulties on earth.

She did get great care from "her girls" in Memory Care, I'm happy to say. Some would come and sit with her after their shift ended to shoot the breeze about their lives. When mom was on hospice and dying almost 3 years into her stay in MC, the line into her suite of caregivers and nurses wanting to pay their respects was constant. Yes, she got great care, thank God.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.

You’re grieving the loss of your mom’s independence, which is perfectly understandable. She is no longer the woman that she once was.

In no way are you abandoning her. Please know that it’s okay for you to take time for yourself while you allow your mother time to get settled.

It’s fine to honor how you feel, just don’t get stuck and blame yourself for anything. Congratulate yourself for being responsible and doing what is best for your mom.

It’s extremely difficult to go through transitional periods in our lives that profoundly affect us.

You and your mother need time to adjust to this next stage in life. Both of you will adapt and it will become easier for you to accept that these changes were necessary.

Wishing you peace as you continue to advocate for your mother’s well being.

Its come down to what Mom needs. Your Mom needs 24/7 care and MC will give her that. Seems Mom it pretty much along in her journey. She probably has no concept of time. Meaning she will not remember when or if you were there. My Mom went to visit my Aunt who had Alz. On the way out Mom ran into my Aunts sister. Sister said to my Aunt "I saw Peg was here" My Aunt said "no she wasn't". So give Mom that week with no visitors. And when u do visit, don't spend hours there. Your visiting more for you.

Do as they say and don't visit her for the 7-10 days the facility says to stay away. This is so she can acclimate to her new environment and she won't if you and your sibs are there every day right now.

You made the right choice placing her in memory care. It's the right choice for you, your mother, and the family.

My friend, usually doing what's right is hard. Many times it doesn't feel good. It doesn't make anyone happy. It's still right though.

You don't have to be happy about it. It's okay to be sad and even to have grief now. Dementia took the person who was your mother and what it leaves behind is a miserable shell. So you certainly have reason to be sad and to grieve that.

Don't you dare put yourself on a guilt-trip though. You have nothing to be guilty for because you did not do wrong. You did what had to be done.

Please be kind to yourself. Do what the memory care said and stay away for a while. Spend some time with your sisters because they're feeling the same as you. Be a support system to each other so you all can be good advocates for your mother to make sure she gets well cared for. Good luck to you and your sisters.

Please don't visit her every day, follow what the facility is telling you to do. She needs time to acclimate herself to her new home. You want to visit her every day for your needs not hers.

Being a helicopter daughter is not the answer.

Your heart is not designed to do the thinking, your head is, with that said you are doing the right thing for your mother, no guilt should be in the picture.

We are all living too long, for some their brains die before their body gives in, that is where your mother is, accept it.

You are over thinking this entire matter, let it flow, listen to the professionals.

I have one in MC and the other in AL, I am happy that there are places like this to care for those in need.

It is not easy and I am sorry however, now is the time to think with your head and accept that you are doing the right thing for your mother. Good Luck!

Please don't visit her everyday to start. Listen to the wisdom of the memory care facility.
They always recommend that family stays away at least a week(if not 2)to allow the patient to adjust to their new surroundings and those who are now caring for them.
You really do your loved one a disservice by not allowing them to adjust properly.
Everyone that I know that has had to place their loved one in memory care, and listened to the advice and stayed away for a while was pleased with how well their loved one adjusted, while the ones who didn't listen and went every day, couldn't figure out why their loved one was having such a hard time adjusting.
There's a solid and good reason they tell you to stay away for awhile and I hope you and your siblings will reconsider your choice of not honoring that.
Will it be hard? Of course it will, but I know you want the very best for your mom, and now placing her is the best for all involved along with staying away to let her adjust.
You can still call the facility everyday to talk to the staff to see how she is doing if that will make you feel better.
I'm sorry that you're having to go through this, but know that you and your siblings have done the very best you could thus far, and are now doing the very best not only for your mom but for you all as well.
God bless you.

Guilt isn't appropriate because there is no causation.
You cannot be guilty of something you didn't do. You didn't create your Mother's situation and you cannot fix it.
The more appropriate G-word is GRIEF, and that IS appropriate.
Words we tell ourselves are important. They define ourselves to ourselves in our brains. So remember not to use the word guilt again, and to change it out for grief.
Children tend to assume responsibility as tho they are sudden the parents of their own parents. They aren't. They are the parents of their own children, and if they fail their own children when they're small and dependent, then guilt is appropriate.

That's for starts. Now that you know you are grieving, you can go ahead and grieve along with your mom.
Life is full of losses. Your Mom has lived a life that has seen many losses. The losses at the end of our lives are profound, and we are grieving as though someone is dying before our eyes, passing while still alive. It is dreadfully hard for the parent and for the loved ones who stand helpless witness to it all. The only escape is the finality of the peace of death, and knowing THAT is often no comfort at all.

This won't make you feel any better.
But it will let you know that your grief is appropriate. That you SHOULD mourn all this and so should your Mom. That you should be lovingly honest about it. That you aren't god and can't change it. You aren't a Saint, and can't martyr yourself to it. You are simply a loving child.

Follow the instructions of the Memory Care. They do this work as a living and they have been there and accumulated the knowledge. This will be dreadfully hard, but this is necessary. I am so very sorry for your pain. You will know if you stick around here that you are not alone. While that isn't comfort, it is a kind of reassurance. You must not throw away your life by jumping on the funeral pyre. Your mother gave you life. You must live it with as much quality as you can.

I am so very very sorry for your pain.

Be glad that there are such specialized care facilities where mom can get the care that she needs. I think you’ll feel better as she adjusts, makes friends and has a team to take care of her 24/7. You will still play an active role as her advocate. It’s better that way.

After my mom reached the stage where she didn’t participate in conversations and didn’t recognize me, I busied myself on her behalf by cleaning out her house, taking the accumulated stuff to the hospice thrift shop or the dump and otherwise being of assistance. I was needed in that way rather than helping her personally. You’ll still have plenty to do to take care of mom! I wish you luck.

Getting her into a facility so she will be safe is not cutting her loose. It’s the exact opposite.

Definitely follow their advice about the ten days.

Kstay, I haven’t posted for quite awhile but your story is much the same as my experience and so many others.
both my parents were failing and not safe at home. I was able to get them into assisted living and dad had to go to memory care after mom died.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done on so many levels, guilt being a huge factor. But they were safe and cared for. All I had to do was look at them and imagine them on their own at home and I knew I’d done the right thing.

You are grieving for the mom you knew and I think that’s a normal process. My dad’s dementia ramped up slowly over about 10 years. In his last year or so he didn’t know me but I was a familiar presence every day and he would be calm and let me trim his hair and nails when I visited, and other things the caregivers struggled with.

You’ve done the right thing but I know how hard it is to not feel guilty. This forum was very helpful to me in those times. Many good folks here who have seen it all.

Best of luck to you.

Stop feeling guilty. You are doing the right thing placing her in MC. You are making hard decisions and are doing all this because you love her. It’s sad that she continues to linger in such a diminished state. I hope your mothers ordeal is over soon.

Ask the facility how best to make your departure. She will adjust.

I wish you peace as you navigate this next chapter.

So sorry you’re both going through this. Sometimes there just aren’t any good choices left and you’re left making the best decisions in rotten circumstances. Your mother is blessed that you’ve looked out for her, want her to be safe and not alone, and now will be an active advocate for her in a new setting. No one could ask for more. I hope you can lose the misplaced guilt, for you’ve done nothing wrong, it’s okay to feel sad that it can’t be different or better, but guilt is useless and only drags you down. Just keep repeating to mom that this is her home now, no promises of picking her up, no arguing. She may surprise you with an ability to adapt. It will always hurt your heart, that shows you’re human, you care, and have had the blessing of a wonderful woman in your mom. I wish you both peace

Thank you. That was really good to hear. My blood pressure has lowered a bit so thank you again!

It is absolutely the right thing to do since the priority is yourself, your spouse, your children. If you burn out, who will then care/manage things for your Mom? You always have to put your own oxygen mask on first before doing it for someone who isn't capable of putting on their own.

Think of what you are feeling as grief, not guilt. You've done nothing wrong so you should not feel guilty. Grief is very appropriate in this situation. You love your Mom... who wouldn't grieve this event?

Count your Mom's blessings for her, this will help you see that what's happening now is the "best" possible solution for her situation. If you peruse other posts on this forum you will quickly see how many other seniors have it far, far worse than your Mom. She is blessed to have daughters like you guys!

The socialization and activity options at her facility will be good for her. Keeping her cloistered in her home has no real benefit to her at this stage -- it's an emotional decision, and not a practical one. Yes to backing off and letting her settle in.

Yes, it is morally and ethically acceptable to tell her a "therapeutic fib" so that she stays calm (since she is no longer able to use her own reason and logic, and has a broken memory, she can't get herself to a place of acceptance so others need to help her to do this.) Is she on any medication for anxiety or agitation? If you think she needs this please don't hesitate to discuss with her PCP.

After she transitions, you and your siblings should all give yourselves a pat on the back and have a spa day together -- you've earned it! Bless you for taking such good care of her. May you all receive peace in your hearts.

I am so sorry for your struggle kstay10. The right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do.

Life is full of choices like this and many people always do the wrong thing just because its easier.

Be strong and be brave.