Tomorrow I am taking my mom to MC. She has been alone for a little less than a year and my 2 sisters and I have done everything we can to keep her at home but we all have full-time jobs. My mom shouldn't be alone. My head knows all of this but how do I tell my heart? If I am honest, I feel like my mom and I are in the middle of an ocean and I have to cut her loose to save myself. The guilt is overwhelming and powerful and as real as any feeling I have ever known. What should i say to my mom? Do i tell her I will be back to pick her up? My mom doesn't recognize me around 90% of the time. Her memory has a 1 minute cycle. Will it still feel this bad after she is in MC? They suggest the family giving her 7-10 days before visiting (we are planning on visiting her everyday) and I don't know if that is the right or wrong thing to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am so sad. My poor mom.
The truth is, DEMENTIA is the bad guy here. Not you or I. But the horrible disease that strips our loved ones of their identity and turns them into a shell of their former selves. Whether they become angry and combative, hurling ugly and hurtful words at us, or they shut down entirely and stop communicating, just staring off into space. It's all bad. Nobody wins when dementia enters the picture. So we choose the lesser of the bad choices.....as they're ALL bad choices at this point, and we pray for peace. Peace for ourselves and peace for our loved one. Wasn't a day that I didn't pray to God to take my mother with Him and away from all of her difficulties on earth.
She did get great care from "her girls" in Memory Care, I'm happy to say. Some would come and sit with her after their shift ended to shoot the breeze about their lives. When mom was on hospice and dying almost 3 years into her stay in MC, the line into her suite of caregivers and nurses wanting to pay their respects was constant. Yes, she got great care, thank God.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
Seeing my mother's mind waste away continues to be one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. And, I see it each and every week. It's a gut punch, for sure.
BUT, you and I can do hard things.
It's okay for part of our lives to be hard.
Not everything is easy.
Not everything can be fixed.
You're in good company, here on the forum.
Keep coming back.
Think of what you are feeling as grief, not guilt. You've done nothing wrong so you should not feel guilty. Grief is very appropriate in this situation. You love your Mom... who wouldn't grieve this event?
Count your Mom's blessings for her, this will help you see that what's happening now is the "best" possible solution for her situation. If you peruse other posts on this forum you will quickly see how many other seniors have it far, far worse than your Mom. She is blessed to have daughters like you guys!
The socialization and activity options at her facility will be good for her. Keeping her cloistered in her home has no real benefit to her at this stage -- it's an emotional decision, and not a practical one. Yes to backing off and letting her settle in.
Yes, it is morally and ethically acceptable to tell her a "therapeutic fib" so that she stays calm (since she is no longer able to use her own reason and logic, and has a broken memory, she can't get herself to a place of acceptance so others need to help her to do this.) Is she on any medication for anxiety or agitation? If you think she needs this please don't hesitate to discuss with her PCP.
After she transitions, you and your siblings should all give yourselves a pat on the back and have a spa day together -- you've earned it! Bless you for taking such good care of her. May you all receive peace in your hearts.
You made the right choice placing her in memory care. It's the right choice for you, your mother, and the family.
My friend, usually doing what's right is hard. Many times it doesn't feel good. It doesn't make anyone happy. It's still right though.
You don't have to be happy about it. It's okay to be sad and even to have grief now. Dementia took the person who was your mother and what it leaves behind is a miserable shell. So you certainly have reason to be sad and to grieve that.
Don't you dare put yourself on a guilt-trip though. You have nothing to be guilty for because you did not do wrong. You did what had to be done.
Please be kind to yourself. Do what the memory care said and stay away for a while. Spend some time with your sisters because they're feeling the same as you. Be a support system to each other so you all can be good advocates for your mother to make sure she gets well cared for. Good luck to you and your sisters.
And remember just this. Life for your Mom has been long. There have been many tough times she has had to go through when things weren't going "well" and when things were "hard". You are her daughter. You are there for loving support and to do the best you are able. But you have no tools to fix this aging process and it cannot always BE fixed. It is your responsibility to love, to mourn her pain, but not to FIX EVERYTHING so there isn't unhappiness. Unhappiness is a part of life FOR US ALL.
My heart out to you.
And again, hoping you will update us.
Overall i am feeling so much better now. She is safe(r), always has someone to talk to and now as i have heard from many people here, I can start to be her daughter and her advocate rather than her caretaker. I will keep you updated and thank you so much!
both my parents were failing and not safe at home. I was able to get them into assisted living and dad had to go to memory care after mom died.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done on so many levels, guilt being a huge factor. But they were safe and cared for. All I had to do was look at them and imagine them on their own at home and I knew I’d done the right thing.
You are grieving for the mom you knew and I think that’s a normal process. My dad’s dementia ramped up slowly over about 10 years. In his last year or so he didn’t know me but I was a familiar presence every day and he would be calm and let me trim his hair and nails when I visited, and other things the caregivers struggled with.
You’ve done the right thing but I know how hard it is to not feel guilty. This forum was very helpful to me in those times. Many good folks here who have seen it all.
Best of luck to you.
Definitely follow their advice about the ten days.
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