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My wife moved in with her elderly parent’s late November 2019, and we are nearing May 2020.
My mother in law is 91 and can communicate normally, but she is a rather simple person. She can’t walk, and needs help with everything. Can’t make meals, bathe, get in and out of bed. I think she could do more for herself, but as long as my wife will do it…
My father in law is 94, and in the late stage of dementia. He is bed ridden. My wife has siblings but they are not helping other than calling and "checking in". The only way my wife can get out is if I sit with them. I am doing this for my wife, not my in-laws. I hate it. I am not mentally equipped to care for him the way I should, but I do.
My mother in law has refused hospice for reasons unknown to me. In my eyes, my father in law is suffering needlessly. She actually makes lite of his hallucinations, and confusion. Haha. My wife is abiding by her mother’s wishes, as she believes a daughter should, but it’s causing a horrible amount of stress that I feel she is internalizing. It’s been a strain on our relationship. Though our marriage is strong, and I don’t have fear of it dissolving, I feel strongly that we/she are being taken advantage of, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep my personal feelings hidden.
They have their end of life affairs in order, but dying at home is becoming a major issue. Throw in the Covid lockdown, and I feel a crushing amount of stress. I work 10 to 12 hours a day, take care of our home, and then relieve her at her parents as much as possible so she can get out. I’ve put a limit on the amount of time she can be away while I take over the care of them, and I feel guilty about it. Summer is approaching and we’ll add yard work to my list of things to do.
My mother in law has placed an undue amount of stress on my wife and I, yet my wife refuses to discuss my feelings with her mother or me for that matter. She feels she is doing the right thing. Am I selfish?
One thing I have learned from this experience is that I will never be a burden to my family.

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LH, glad to hear from you. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
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Just another quick update. Things are returning to the natural order of things for us. We are slowly going through 70 years of things at my in-laws home.
We have completed all that is needed to wait on the probate court, and eventually sell the house and put this behind us. ....at least until the next thing life dumps on us.
Thanksgiving is this Thursday, and I'm looking forward to a busy but relaxing day with my family intact. Hope everything is well with all of my new friends here, and want to wish everyone a great holiday season.
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polarbear Nov 2020
LH- Good to hear from you. I heard the probate process can take forever. Hopefully that won't be the case for you. Have a wonderful and peaceful Thanksgiving with your wife.
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LH I am very sorry for your & your wife's loss. It sounded peaceful - that is a blessing.

I will add that it is not wrong to feel a sense of relief at the ending of this long chapter (if you do).

Your wife may not return to 'normal' for a while yet - but this is all part of her now. It may take some time for her to sift through her emotions & weather the grief before you can forge together as a couple again.

Regained Hope is what I shall call you.
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LossingHope Aug 2020
Nice. Regained hope. I'll take that.
I have learned so much about my lady since November.
I've also learned a great deal about myself. I'm not near as strong, or as smart as I thought I was, and I am not invincible.

I absolutely feel a sense of relief, and not at all for myself, but for my wife.
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LH, I’m sorry for both you and your wife, and wish you peace in the days ahead
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LossingHope Aug 2020
Thank you.
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LH- I'm sorry for your wife's loss, and relieved that this caretaking ordeal is over for you both, albeit some loose ends. I hope your wife takes comfort in being able to care for her mom till the end and that her suffering ended peacefully.

I'm glad you found this forum when you needed it. We're happy to be able to help you.

Best of luck to you and your wife. Come back anytime.
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LossingHope Aug 2020
Thank you. I will be around. I hope that with the experience I've gained through this era that I may be of help to someone in the future. I'll keep watching.
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LosingHope, thank you for the sad update.

May your wife find peace and closure; I know that you are glad to be her anchor and safe harbor.
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LossingHope Aug 2020
I am glad, and so proud of my wife.
Now that this is behind us, I feel like our relationship will grow in ways that we'd never imagined possible. It's so much easier for me to look back than it was to look ahead.
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Irony. I had not updated here in quite a while, but felt the need yesterday.
My MIL past away yesterday at about 5:30 pm.
I just stopped to pick up some stuff for my wife, and I could tell that my wife was... different. She said that Mom was restless the night before, and all of yesterday. She had asked my wife to call the doctor, and when she went back to tell her she was coming .. her Mom was, as my wife put it, very still. I checked on her and immediately called 911, they contacted the coroner, and buy 9:30 last night my wife was back home.
Still a lot of loose ends to tie up, but I want to thank you all again for giving me a place to vent and feel understood.
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I'm sorry to hear that the care where you are is not good, LH.

It took me a while to figure out, at least with regard to NH care for my mom, that the care was good but the communication, both between and among staff, and with us, the family, was the issue. We addressed this via a care meeting with the unit manager, the SW and the exec director of the facility and got us ALL on the same page.

That being said, I've learned from my experiences here that some states have weak enforcement of standands of care, or no standards at all.

I will tell you that after one particularly bad example of intrastaff communication, we had a care meeting and I said, very quietly "Can you tell me why I SHOULDN'T call the Joint Commision and report this?".

The room got even quieter and communication suddenly improved a 1000 fold.

Best to you and yours, B
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Aha. I see. Families are ceaselessly complicated, aren't they?

I wonder if your wife can see that her mom would be better off in a facility with LOTS of eyes around?

Best of luck!
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LossingHope Aug 2020
Unfortunately, the experience with "professionals" and "care facilities" has been far from par. Her father spent considerable time in facilities before his death, and the care was crap. Needless to say, they have very little confidence in the establishment. The visiting nurses that are coming in to see my MIL are never on the same page, and they all have their own opinions on treatment, and criticism for the doctor. It's a joke.
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So, does your wife LIKE this "new normal"? Or is she itching to get back to living at home? FIL passed away about 2 months ago and she still hasn't left her mom overnight? Or arranged any respite care? Or looked into "other arrangements"?

Wife can leave MIL alone for a couple of hours during the day, but not at night?

Something feels so terribly "off" here. I hate to stir the pot; LH, if you are happy with this new arrangement going forward, that's fine. But note that YOU are the one who adjusted to the "new normal".
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LossingHope Jul 2020
You are correct Barb, She never leaves her alone. There is a complication with one sibling I have not explained that is potentially dangerous to MIL, but she's fairly predictable as far as when she shows up at the house. It seems to me, my wife's obsessive personality has taken over and she does think rationally.
To me, the writing is on the wall, but I will continue to live my life and do what I can.
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LH - I'm glad to hear the affairs for FIL were settled. I'm sure they required a lot of time and effort on your part.

How is your wife getting on? Good that she's spending more time at home. Not so good that it's not with you. Is she still grieving and wanting to just be alone, or just too tired from taking care of her mother that she just wants to be left by herself?

Can you take a day off and surprise her? Plan something special when she comes home? Maybe that will help motivate her to spend even more time at home and with you.
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LossingHope Jul 2020
I can, and do take time off. I live very close to my work so it's not a problem for me to run hope and hang out with them a little. I spend a lot of evenings at the MIL ranch too. Not over night, but we are seeing each other.
Keep in mind that MIL is with my wife even when she is at our home. It's not like I can "surprise" her.
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Good to hear the situation is much improved.

Would you consider MIL moving into your place at all?

Maybe subtly nudge towards manouvering The Queen to give up her own palace & become Dowager Queen in your castle. Where you & your wife are the ruling couple. Together.
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LossingHope Jul 2020
Yes, my wife and I have talked about it, but when I weigh out the advantages and disadvantages, I see more disadvantages. As disgruntled as I am, I'll chose this inconvenience over 24/7 MIL. My wife gave up 100% of her freedom, not me. I like my island too much to give it up.
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Hello Ladies,
Just wanting to update you all. Nothing has really change over the time since my last update. Wife is still living with MIL, and I am still slightly disgruntled over it.
Summer is here and my wife is spending more time at our home, but mainly while I'm at work. We have settled FIL estate as far as we can tell. Life insurance, teamsters death benefit, social security are handled. There were a handful of auto withdrawals from their checking account for stupid things my FIL purchased like home appliance coverage, legal service retainers, electrical warranty, etc. I have cancelled all these non essentials. Seems my FIL was a sucker for phone solicitations. It's sad because he had dementia. I don't believe he even knew they were tapping him. We are still keeping an eye on the bank account just to be sure we are able to catch all these. My wifes siblings are still not very involved other than the weekly calls, but this Covid thing gives everyone an excuse to keep their distance.
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Daughterof1930 Jul 2020
Thanks for the update. What are your plans in this going forward? Settling for being slightly disgruntled spouse or shaking the tree and seeing what changes can happen? Not saying you should or shouldn’t do anything, only you know what’s best in your life and wishing that for you
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LH - Less tension is good. I'm happy for you all.
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So very glad that there is less tension all around.

Kudos to you for reaching out for support!
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Any updates?
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LossingHope Jun 2020
Not really, but not bad.
We are seeing more of each other, and the tension has dropped all around. She is getting MIL out, and MIL is enjoying the company. We took her to a chili cookout at a friends place Sunday. She really enjoyed the day, and we all got a little much needed sunshine.
MIL is adapting towards our life schedule, happenings, and goings on. As long as she's healthy enough to get up, and get out, I'm okay with the third wheel.

real deal... from the day of my first post on this forum to this today...I'm way better.
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Okay then. I guess that guys comment is without merit. Thanks for the clarification. His comment came of as judgemental, and I figured he had a personal issue. I hope he can work it out.
We're going on 31 years this October. The bumps in the road made for a better marriage.
I was over today and made them lunch, then did some work around the house for them. Good day.
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worriedinCali May 2020
I’m glad you had a good day today :)
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Lossing -

I urge you to start researching senior living communities for your MIL yourself. It's something you can do with your time that will help you start a conversation with your wife and make plans for your own future wellbeing.

When it became clear to me that my inlaws could no longer be enabled to pretend living independently, I started researching and touring senior living communities. I didn't tell my husband. When I found "the one", that's the brochure I showed my husband. At first, he was appalled, but I kept on like a broken record:
"Your parents' needs are only increasing"
"They've run out of room for grab bars"
"I'm no longer willing to continue like this".

About that last one i.e. "I'm no longer willing to continue like this". The first 30 days following the death of your FIL are the most important for you to be there for your wife and MIL, not 24/7 but an hour or two. And by the time you've researched and toured promising senior living communities, 30 days will have passed and, in my opinion, you will be well within your rights as her husband to start the "I'm no longer willing to continue like this" conversation with your wife about her mother.

I know I take great comfort knowing that my religion sets forth a timeline for bereavement whose purpose is to bring mourners through their grief to a place where they can live with the loss in a healthy way. Your wife lost sight of very many things that are important. Atop that list, in my opinion, are her health and her marriage.
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I was married the first time for 24 years. We are divorced but are good friends (we have Thanksgiving and Passover seders together, along with our kids).

I am coming up on my 18th anniversary with my second husband.

I REALLY tried to make it work the first time. 24 years.
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Isthisrealyreal May 2020
Barb, this is the same husband that you said abused you?

I am confused by this comment in light of things you have previously posted about your 1st husband.

Not sure I think remaining "friends" with your abuser is the healthiest way forward.

I am happily married by the way.
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So...just to test the theory of the only man to post here besides myself... How many of you have been divorced?
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Beatty May 2020
Still chained.. 20yrs this year.
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CAL, I'm with you on this. Yes, her dad died 12 days ago. But she has been at her parents' home since November 2019. And although the OP thought that there was some movement towards getting more help in (when MIL was left alone with dying dad) that initiative seems to have been abandoned.

So, very disabled mom was ok on her own caring for bed bound, demented dad, but now needs 24/7 care by her daughter?

I still think the OP, very soon, needs to ask (not tell) his wife what the heck is going on.
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LossingHope May 2020
"So, very disabled mom was ok on her own caring for bed bound, demented dad, but now needs 24/7 care by her daughter?"

Crazy huh?
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Hmm. If LH's Wife became ill/exhausted/strained back etc, MIL would NOT be OK on her own.

I know now is not the time yet to pepper LH's Wife again with these questions... but maybe LH would like to have an action plan loosely made for himself?

Just to know what hospice can provide if the main carer goes down? Or must you ring around for private pay aides?

This test will come 'please come sit with MIL &...make lunch..' as she has a bad cold or something.

My DH will happily do dropoffs but NO hands-on care.

I need to work on my own boundaries regarding illnesses - drop off soups & pharmacy items? Sure. Be a sitter all day... or move in? No.

Or get the call there's a 'code brown' & I need your help? Before you laugh, I read that on another thread...
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worriedinCali May 2020
So when is the right time? There’s never a good time to have to this kind of conversation is there? I’m sure
most here will disagree but the OP has an avenue of opportunity here....now is the time to ask his wife “how do we move forward from here”.
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"My mother in law is 91 and can communicate normally, but she is a rather simple person. She can’t walk, and needs help with everything. Can’t make meals, bathe, get in and out of bed".

Doesn't sound like she can live alone. But does she need 24/7 care?
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When I saw my sister last year she was speaking so fast, running all her thoughts & words together. No room edgewise to get a word in. Went on all day. I was shocked & worried.

I have felt like this when under huge stress. So I waited a day or so & called to check in. Turns out she was up to her eyeballs stressed over a recent move, house, job situation. I thought she had been coping really well! But she was unravelling & husband said was in tears constantly. She soon got a bad cold which physically made her stop, rest & take stock.

I read similar in this forum too. A daughter turned 24/7 got so worn down was hospitalised (pneumonia? anaemia? can't remember).

So knowing LH's wife is not choosing to stop her care role at this time, if exhaustion or illness MAKES her stop???

Can MIL live unsupervised alone? If yes. OK.

If not, I'm thinking it will have to be a Granny Dump to the hospital???

Family or not, LH will not be able to care for his wife if living in as MIL's new 24/7 guy.

Ideas for a plan here?
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LH - I'm sorry to hear that you feel like you can't talk to your wife because she keeps interrupting you and keeps repeating things.

Have you ever read the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People? One of the 7 habits is: seek first to understand, then to be understood.

It seems like your wife is trying to get her thoughts/feelings out to you and she is competing for airtime. Either that or she doesn't like what you're saying. How about giving that habit an old college try? Listen to her and see things from her point of view. Repeat it back to her so she knows you understand. It is important because she must know you understand her before she can hear and see things from your point of view.

Good luck communicating with your wife.
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Coming from another man, I would never take this advice here unless I want to pay spousal support for the rest of my life. Bitter divorcees if you ask me.
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LossingHope May 2020
Huh? You have any other advice?
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"have followed the thread, I asked why she hates her dad. This is a little girl in a woman's body..."

This is the best reason I read for pointing our OP in the direction of getting some qualified mental health intervention for his wife. And if she won't accept that, then for himself so that he can best figure out how to extricate her from this situation.

Nothing "nefarious" going on.

I think, Real, that we actually agree.
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Isthisrealyreal May 2020
Who said we didn't?

I don't think that we do agree barb. I think that making any move right now is wrong in light of everything that is happening in this woman's life.
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Is there a balance between any misperceived thought of forcing your wife to choose you or mother (and I don’t believe that ever was the idea) and not letting this go on as it is for so long that there’s a new enmeshed normal between wife and mother that you can’t penetrate? It’s a hard place to be in, to not be seen as insensitive to grief, but also not let things go unchecked for such a time that you’ll never be able to make headway again. I feel for you in this, seems there are no winners
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LossingHope May 2020
That pretty much nails it.
There is definitely a stronger bond between her and mother with a justifiable reason. The three of them shared this experience together. The sad part, and due to the refusal of hospice care, my wife had to watch her father starve to death. What a slow, terrible, and senseless way to die. Sadly, the man had no say in the matter because he had Alzheimer's.
Made me sick, and angry honestly.

My wife has been needlessly exposed to damaging trauma. I just want to do things right by her.
I have no intentions of slamming her with a ultimatum. I am a firm believer in freedom of choice, even though I don't agree with the choices made by either of them to this point. I will make my feelings known when it's appropriate, if ever. Compared to my wife's life at this time, mine is pretty good.
Thanks all for your honest opinions.
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I don't think that LH should "force" his wife into declaring her intent. I'm sorry if my post came across that way. I'm not always good with the nuances when I type early in the AM.

This dear lady has been absent from her home since November 2019. She accedes to her mother's demands to stay full time and provide 24/7 care since that time, although the parents have sufficient funds for professional in-home care.

Parents' doctor and SW have recommended that she allow hospice and professional to do at least some of the care. I believe that they see that this poor lady is having some sort of breakdown.

OP states that his wife avers that she is attempting to prove to non-involved siblings that she is stronger than they and will succeed in this caregiving venture.

There is significant mental illness in the wife's family.

What I am suggesting to LH is that he have a conversation with his wife, with whom he says he has a strong marriage.

"Honey, you are really damaging your mental and physical health by trying to do 24/7 caregiving. I know that now it's just your mom, so it's certainly easier than when it was TWO folks.

But can I ask, is this permanent? Are you intending to stay with your mom all the time until she passes? What about us? Is there a reason that you dont want to come home to me, even temporarily?"

That's what I had in mind. Not "Choose this or that". I'm sorry if it came off that way.
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Isthisrealyreal May 2020
This conversation doesn't need to happen right now.

Sometimes silence is golden and we need to just love our spouses through whatever they are going through.

I have followed the thread, I asked why she hates her dad. This is a little girl in a woman's body when she is dealing with her mom, i guarantee that this isn't news to anyone involved. But right now she needs time to deal with losing her dad, everything else goes on the back burner.

Yes, barb you did come across that way. Like you need to find out right now what her intentions are for this marriage. No right now she needs to be allowed to grieve the loss of her dad without worrying about losing her husband.
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LH quite honestly I'd stick the whole situation in a mental fridge for the next - where are we, eleven days in - say, three weeks. Plod along at home. Let your wife be. Let her mother be. Meanwhile doodle a timetable and collect useful telephone numbers, brochures, etc.

Assume the positive. Assume that there will, in the fullness of time, be the much-needed changes. MIL's house will be sold, and the money used either to downsize her to a suitable property for her later-life needs or to pay for long term care in a *good* facility. But do not force the pace: a) it's cruel and unseemly; b) it won't get you the result you want.

I'm assuming you don't want to lose your wife, btw.
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LossingHope May 2020
You are correct, I do not want to lose her. I've already had to give up more of her than I ever thought I would.
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