My wife moved in with her elderly parent’s late November 2019, and we are nearing May 2020.
My mother in law is 91 and can communicate normally, but she is a rather simple person. She can’t walk, and needs help with everything. Can’t make meals, bathe, get in and out of bed. I think she could do more for herself, but as long as my wife will do it…
My father in law is 94, and in the late stage of dementia. He is bed ridden. My wife has siblings but they are not helping other than calling and "checking in". The only way my wife can get out is if I sit with them. I am doing this for my wife, not my in-laws. I hate it. I am not mentally equipped to care for him the way I should, but I do.
My mother in law has refused hospice for reasons unknown to me. In my eyes, my father in law is suffering needlessly. She actually makes lite of his hallucinations, and confusion. Haha. My wife is abiding by her mother’s wishes, as she believes a daughter should, but it’s causing a horrible amount of stress that I feel she is internalizing. It’s been a strain on our relationship. Though our marriage is strong, and I don’t have fear of it dissolving, I feel strongly that we/she are being taken advantage of, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep my personal feelings hidden.
They have their end of life affairs in order, but dying at home is becoming a major issue. Throw in the Covid lockdown, and I feel a crushing amount of stress. I work 10 to 12 hours a day, take care of our home, and then relieve her at her parents as much as possible so she can get out. I’ve put a limit on the amount of time she can be away while I take over the care of them, and I feel guilty about it. Summer is approaching and we’ll add yard work to my list of things to do.
My mother in law has placed an undue amount of stress on my wife and I, yet my wife refuses to discuss my feelings with her mother or me for that matter. She feels she is doing the right thing. Am I selfish?
One thing I have learned from this experience is that I will never be a burden to my family.
I'm glad you found this forum when you needed it. We're happy to be able to help you.
Best of luck to you and your wife. Come back anytime.
I will add that it is not wrong to feel a sense of relief at the ending of this long chapter (if you do).
Your wife may not return to 'normal' for a while yet - but this is all part of her now. It may take some time for her to sift through her emotions & weather the grief before you can forge together as a couple again.
Regained Hope is what I shall call you.
I have learned so much about my lady since November.
I've also learned a great deal about myself. I'm not near as strong, or as smart as I thought I was, and I am not invincible.
I absolutely feel a sense of relief, and not at all for myself, but for my wife.
We have completed all that is needed to wait on the probate court, and eventually sell the house and put this behind us. ....at least until the next thing life dumps on us.
Thanksgiving is this Thursday, and I'm looking forward to a busy but relaxing day with my family intact. Hope everything is well with all of my new friends here, and want to wish everyone a great holiday season.