Who is financially responsible for the care of my parent?

No body is responsible financially for your parents, but your parents. Any other obligations to them are what YOU personally feel!

In answer to the titled question, your parents are responsible for their life & care. That being said, anyone may wish to help, but are not obligated. Help them apply for Medicaid if needed. Reach out to your local Area of Aging for assistance if needed. You could arrange for a family meeting & discuss the situation. Good Luck!

What to do? Laugh. Raise a quizzical eyebrow. Ask your father if he's planning to return to his home planet. Whatever way to express gentle incredulity best suits you.

The point being, to answer your headline question, that the person responsible for paying for your father's care is... [drumroll]... your father. Not his three children, nor your stepmother's four.

Is it perhaps time for a family conference, perhaps using Zoom or MS Teams or similar, to discuss the way forward? It certainly seems that the time has come when your father recognises he does need support, it's just he has no business assuming his children owe it to him.

Coleyne: An adult child is NEVER responsible for their parents' elder care. The elder parent plans ahead for their own care and in your case, they have done so via a reverse mortgage. Reverse mortgages are not a good idea since that reverse 'loan' will have to be repaid.

Why does Dad think he needs a caregiver, someone to wait on him when wife is working
No, neither you nor siblings are responsible for Dads care. I am surprised that wife works and there is a reversed mortgage. Is the house in his name only? If he dies, she may not have a home.

I agree, that they may be spending money they don't need to. If he needs care, his wife and him are responsible for that bill, not his children. I would have helped Mom if it meant she did everything to meet her bills. Mom did not spend on junk. My MIL spent money on stuff she did not need. Her I would say stop buying the junk and u can pay your bills.

You and your siblings ate not responsible for the expenses of your parent's care, but you can certainly chip in if you are willing and able to do so. If his children do not want to help out, they do not have to. You can help or not as you choose. What your siblings choose to do is not your responsibility. There is nothing you have to do about anything they decide.

I know a lady who outspent her earnings/income for decades. How is this possible? She funded her lifestyle with credit cards, home refinances, and home equity loans. When debt got too high one of two things always seemed to happen: Someone would die and leave her money (which she then spent on debt reduction and further funding of her lifestyle) *OR* she would throw herself a nice pity party about her money troubles and someone would give her money. I never gave her a cent, but others always did. By the time she started running out of people and had to come to me, she did so with the ruse that she wanted me to "look over" her finances so see why it was such a mess. I looked it over and told her what she needed to do to balance things: move to an apartment, stop getting her hair done every week, no more restaurant meals, excessive clothing purchases, etc. Upon further review, we should have looked at giving up her car because she really could not afford that either. Middle class lifestyle on a low-income budget. She looked at me expectantly during this financial review - I think she was hoping I'd "figure it out" on my own and start writing checks to her. Quite frankly, I'd have been willing to pay her electric bill (or something similar) each month *if and only if* it would actually balance her budget. But her financial problems ran much deeper than that and I wasn't going to throw good money after bad. The biggest problem families have with providing financial help is that whatever they provide does not truly solve it in most cases and then there are hard feelings. There HAS to be full disclosure on everything and people who like to spend, spend, spend don't want to disclose. They don't want to have to change. This is not someone else's problem.

Children are legally NOT obligated to pay for their parents financial obligations. I would suggest that the parents, their children, and whoever holds their financial power of attorney or guardianship sit down with a financial planner or social services to find ways to pay for their caregiving needs. The parents can always ask their children for financial help, but the children need to realize they do not have a legal obligation.

Your parent and his spouse are financially responsible for their care.

I wouldn't recommend just giving money. Make them show and prove why they can't make it on his retirement and her wages. They don't get to live anyway they choose at someone else's expense, doesn't matter that they are your parent. I would demand that one of you has full control of all finances, including her wages, if any of you need to prop up the situation. You will be surprised how things change when responsibility and accountability is demanded with no exceptions.

They are responsible for their own care. It wouldn't even be a choice for me because I don't have extra money to pay for my moms care. When her money runs out, which will be later this year, she will apply for medicaid and have to move into a nursing home/memory care facility that accepts Medicaid.

I agree with another poster that if they have a home, they should look into doing a reverse mortgage.

Why not help parents if you can ???

If they can't fund their current lifestyle, they will need to reassess their lifestyle.

If their needs have changed - they must make changes.

To expect others to pay for their expenses is entitled.

The next task of life is before them: adjusting to old age & possibly downsizing.

Wanting to avoid all changes is futile. Wanting their kids to prevent old age is useless & just prolongs believing in magical thinking. Let reality happen.

Buy gifts when you like for birthdays, holidays etc but let them sort out their own living arrangements.

Blended families can be hard to explain, but it sounds as though Father is considerably older than Mother, who is still working. Father’s children are older than Mother’s, and Mother’s children got more attention as they grew up. Issues:

1) Parents have an income from Mother and also from a reverse mortgage. Why can’t they cover their own expenses? They have a ‘nice’ house in an expensive area – is it bigger than they should be affording?

2) $1000 a month will cover just over 10 hours a week of caregiver time at average rates. That’s not much care. What are Father’s care needs, and how do those hours meet them?

3) Care needs normally increase. Will the $1000 creep up? How far? Who gets asked next? What are the plans for the future?

You will of course make your own decisions. For myself, I wouldn’t enter into this without a full understanding of their finances and their future plans. I’d also talk it through with the step-siblings. If they pay now, you will find it difficult to knock back the next request. I’m careful with our own money, and I would be asking the same questions about this as I would if DH and I took on any long term obligation. If parents don’t want to give details, they should sort things out themselves. And yes, it’s their responsibility, not the responsibility of any of the offspring.

Does your dad have dementia?

I don't believe children should pay for their parents in their parent's age. They should be saving to take care of their families, their childrens college, their own retirement. Now if they have enough to do all that, then it is nice to "help out". I was able to see to it my Mom and Dad had computer they might not have got themselves, cleaning help. I could well afford it and also save for myself. That should be an OFFER from children, not a request from parents. Just my own opinion and I am certain others differ. And in all of this, each individual child has their own lives and their own opinions and should do/contribute as they wish to or do NOT wish to.

To answer your question as to who is responsible for your parents care, they are. Period, end of conversation. All of the children will need their own money for their own care when the time arises.
If your parents can't afford their own care then they may need to sell their house and apply for Medicaid. Again, period, end of conversation.
I will never understand why parents would ever expect their children to support them financially. That is just so unfair. Period, end of conversation.

They can always decline to pay. They could also decide it was in their best interest.

You certainly have no legal obligation to help with your finances. It’s often a bad idea to mix money into any family equation. As I’ve heard said, Thanksgiving dinner just tastes better when no one owes or is helping another with money. Offer to help in other ways, perhaps looking for available help in their area, offering to look over their finances to see if there are better decisions to be made there (yes, I know that may likely be soundly rejected) or have groceries delivered. There are many possibilities but it’s important that your help comes from what you, not they, desire to do. Help only in ways that you feel comfortable with

They are responsible for their own care. They got a reverse mortgage , what are they doing with that money? Lots of people do not want to sell their homes, but guess what? That is what is needed in many cases. And if his children are expected to pitch in, so should hers in my opinion, as the money would benefit both of them