I do not even know where to start. Advice?

Contact your county office of the aging and they will help. Get a statement from the MD confirming Alzheimer's. Forget AL, Medicaid won't cover it, but if the MD says she needs a memory care nursing home, start the application.

I have a friend in her early 70s who has little reirement, has to work, and is splitting what little money she has with grown children and grandchildren, and it exasperates me so. They are fit as a fiddle, guess they're busy 'finding their way'? I'm not saying finding good work, a place to live, etc., is easy, but your MIL doesn't have the option to even try, and has paid her dues I imagine. So have you, and you deserve security for your future. Just want to pipe in that maybe the kids need a little tough(er) love now. Parenting is not a lifelong guarantee of provision, is it??

I agree with Zdarov. The greatest gift you can give your children and grandchildren is to be financially stable (even secure) as you age. While many people will never require long term care, those of us who are on this site, clearly see the thousands of dollars it costs to care for seniors. I've been primary or 2nd in charge of 4 people. I was fortunate in that each of them had financial resources that were used for their care. One had live in help for 3 1/2 years. ($40,000+ a year for care plus lot's of special equipment). The others got moved to continuing care communities and subsequently to assisted living facilities ($5000- 7500 month). Millionaires? NO. Depression era people, YES!. They were factory workers and waitresses and secretaries. BUT they didn't waste money and they did (Thank God) save for their future. Each has/had the best available care and what a blessing that was for the families.

RUkiddinme - stop helping the next generation, you have a lot on your plate now. AND, as an aside many memory care places (not all) do take medicaid after private pay for a length of time. Good luck

I agree with all the answers after working in the field for 34 years. I am having the same problem. My MIL lives at an apartment in her son-in-laws home, which he is selling. She is 94 years old, and he has been helping her. Her daughter passed away a few months ago and he is selling the house. It is so hard to get her into a nursing home without a hospital stay prior. She is eligible for Nursing Home Care, we did the application, but not Medicaid since the limits are lower. My MIL is a very stubborn not so nice person, so this will almost be impossible for her to submit to a hospital stay prior to NH admission. We live two states away and I am recovering from Breast Cancer and do not have any physical capability to handle a move. She needs to remove herself from the premises so the house can be sold. She does not understand that both her sons are both not medically fit and can only take care of themselves with their health issues. I am just so frustrated with all of this and it is a nightmare. Thank you for letting me vent. Sometimes you just need it.

My dads ss income was 1677 per mth. They have a special kind of medicaid for nursing homes where you are allowed to make up to 2000 per mth (all income combined) to qualify. If no one has told you yet, the nh will take all the income except for 30.00 ( amounts are different in nh's ). the 30.00 is for personal use for the resident. I live in Florida but I think all states have nursing home medicaid available to those who qualify.

Start asking around about local nursing homes. Find out if there are any that you most certainly would not feel comfortable having her reside in. Her Dr should be able to write out an order for her to be admitted to a nh. One thing I learned is that it is easier to get admitted to a nursing home after a hospital stay. My father was admitted for confusion because he was acting out very badly at home and a social worker talked to me and asked if he was going home or into a long term care facility. They will send out referrals to NH's and if the home has a bed they will accept her. The home will call you sometimes almost immediately so don't be surprised if they do. They will ask you to come in and tour the facility. You really need to get POA while she is able to give it to you. I got it and made decisions for dad and signed paperwork that he couldn't understand anymore. you can meet her at the nursing home if that is where she is going and be there for her arrival. It may make you both feel better. They will transfer her from the hospital in an ambulance. As for the payment involved. If she is only receiving 1100.00 per month she should qualify for medicaid. Medicare will also pay for some of the cost also. While she may not need the nh now, it is important to be prepared and aware of things you need to do on her behalf. Hope this helps. I was lost at first and wish I had had the information to make good choices based on my help from here. Good Luck to mom and you.

Get the POA stuff lined up, both financial and health care. And she should be able to apply for Medicaid; that will cover nursing home care though usually not assisted living; depending on community waivers that may be available, it may cover some home health services as well.

This appears to be more of a lack of income problem than an elder care problem. I would suggest focusing on improving your income flow into your home. Unless the adult children are handicapped in some way, they need to become self supporting and your funds need to be saved for your care and your MIL's care in the future. Adding a part time job to your family might help dig out of the economic hole you are describing.

I would try to save as much of the MIL's social security for her future needs. She seems to be a candidate for Medicaid to cover her nursing home needs if she has no assets. However, that is a bleak way to end ones life. There are few good nursing homes who want Medicaid patients. They are more interested in self pay patients (who spend down their life's savings with the nursing home) and then they will perhaps have a Medicaid bed for the remainder of their life.
AL facilities are there to generate a profit, not really looking for Medicaid patient beds which do not turn a profit.

However, in the present, you need to see an elder lawyer for advice. Get a durable power of attorney to help MIL with your financial affairs, get an advanced directive to help get her the care she needs and wants. She should have Medicare and if she does she will at least get a decent level of medical care.

She should be eligible for some programs like Meals on Wheels and perhaps
elder transportation which could make it easier to care for her at home. Visit the office of aging, she should qualify for most of the programs in your area. They might have memory loss programs too which would help her.

Good luck these are difficult economic times.

Step 1 - Get a POA both financial and medical. If she is starting to have signs of ALZ, that can progress fast, and if you do not already have both POA's in place, it will be so hard once she is not in right mind.

Step 2 - As one poster mentioned $1100 a month is most likely to much money to qualify for Medicaid. You need to call and ask questions. If she can not afford a NH, you need to see what all of her options might be. They may have information that you need to help with decisions.

Step 3 - You did not mention if you have brothers or sisters. If you do have siblings, are they set up in a better position to take your MIL into there home. If not, since this is your husband's mother, he needs to understand how much work having mom in your home will be. How much work and time is he willing to give his mom.

Step 4 - You need to do research now, home care, is expensive, see what kind of free senior services are in your area. What products, medical devices, home care does her health insurance pay. If she has to live with you, then she should pay rent, and for some of her care. $1100 a month is quite a bit of money if she has no expenses.

Step 5 - Ask her or talk to her about her living arrangements. Does she have any sisters or brothers that she could stay with.

Step 6 - If you do decide to keep her in your help, get a support group set up, a back-up sitter, people you trust to visit your MIL, help with transportation to doctor's appointments, etc.

Hope this helps.

Everyone already wrote what I was going to write.

1.) POA
2.) Medicaid

Get that POA ASAP. This will make things much easier for you as you continue down this road. A lot of people suggest using an elder law attorney but I took a POA form off of legalzoom.com, had my dad sign it, a witness sign it, got it notarized and I never had a problem using it.

And you can investigate Medicaid if/when a nursing home is necessary but be warned: Medicaid takes forever to go through so start early. I think my dad was finally accepted after 6 months.....which was 2 months after he died. Here in Missouri, Medicaid for a nursing home is called 'vendor Medicaid'. My dad, who was in a nursing home, was admitted from the hospital. Once his insurance ran out he had to be on Medicaid in order to stay in the NH. But as long as I was in the process of getting him on Medicaid and could show the NH's social worker that it was in the works, he was allowed to stay in the NH and the Medicaid would take care of his stay there retroactively.