What to do when my 65-year-old husband has difficulty with aging and the effects on his body?

I can’t imagine SIX ‘elective’ surgeries. OK, 2 knees. Perhaps one for varicose veins. But SIX? Without being willing to try pain relief as an alternative? He may be “highly perfectionistic about his body and abilities” and may “not accept anything less, despite the realities of aging”. But he cannot maintain a youthful body through multiple surgeries. I can think of one bit he could cut off in order to be realistic about his aging body!

I’d consider working out a budget for necessary basic joint spending, and another budget for discretionary spending, split in half for each of you. Buy your own car, the cheapest smallest second hand automatic you can find. Maintaining each car comes out of the appropriate discretionary half budget. You only drive your Modest Minor, and you can give him a lift - if he can cope with the indignity of being seen in it. His elective surgery and his stick shift car comes out of his discretionary half budget. That gives him the autonomy that Alva suggests, but HE pays for it.

Because your husband knows that you will jump at his beck and call, this is why he EXPECTS you to do what he wants. It’s time for you to put your foot down and tell him that if he doesn’t schedule his surgery in his local area or close by that you will not drive him and he will have to find another driver.

The key words here regarding the husband is retired "health care professional". Chances are high that he feels he knows more than anyone else, especially someone not in the same field.

When you think about it, 65 is rather young to be retired. I wonder if he resents that he had to retire early, thus all the surgeries trying to feel young again, and maybe back to work.

Im 60, husband is 70, I'm not working because my husband likes me around so we can do retirement things. My husband is very friendly, people in and out all day. So I've been able to observe men in there retirement years. To be honest they are all a little nutty. It's a hard age , seems really hard on men. A few got deep into conspiracy theories, I was a bit rude to them , till they got the hint and stopped stopping in, others all seem to be a bit off. My husband got really weird about not spending money. It got so insane. Not using to many paper towels, eating old food if I didn't get rid of it before he found it, trying to have the least amount of garbage as he could, to save on garbage expenses. And trust me we have plenty of money for paper towels, we are not hurting. After about a yr of that I lost it. We had a difficult few months, because I really had to put my foot down with his odd controlling of the garbage (haha)
Another good friend of Ares is really loosing it. Smokes weed morning to night, and walks around checking his BP every hour.
Anyways retirement age is not easy, on most people

My fil was like this. He loved the hospital and was such a frequent flyer that they knew him.

Completely different thoughts on the subject as others. Could your husband want the pain meds offered after surgery. I know you say your husband is a perfectionist. But I feel like someone putting themselves through so many elective surgeries has other motives

Please take care of yourself first. Decide, independant from him what you are willing to do. Writing lists helps me. What I will do, what I wont do. This is the tough part...Stick to your decisions! A supportive friend or relative can be helpful. Its frightening to think of the ramifications of an accident on one of his excursions.

Doctors are always the worst patients.

Sounds like your husband would benefit from therapy and a good exercise / training regimen. Exercise not only strengthens our body, but it lifts our mental outlook along with deterring dementia symptoms.

I'm a 64 year old personal trainer and currently have 4 clients in their early 70's. I tell them that they're rock stars because they're in the top 2% of people their age who are willing to commit to pursuing fitness through exercise. We consistently work on mobility, balance, strength and flexibility. One of our main objectives is being able to get up and down from the floor without using their hands. We also work on agility. I digress.....

You already know that your husband doesn't need to have these surgeries, so I applaud you for refusing at this point to be a part of it.

Your husband is thinking backward about what the results are going to be from all of these surgeries. Having - elective - surgery and then having to go through PT and rehab of the joint, not to mention the effects of anesthesia can absolutely hasten the aging process.

So. Has your husband ever worked out consistently? Would he even consider hiring a personal trainer who is experienced in training older adults? Would you be willing to join him, at least in the beginning if he's reluctant? Something to think about.

This is when you stop facilitating his "wants" - if I'm honest.

I can remember my FIL kept doing something similar and we kept facilitating it for a long time. At one point - without regard for anyone- he scheduled an elective back surgery. It was very ill advised - read - not a surgery that was recommended for someone his age, in his condition, in the first place - he was around 79 at the time - and he was getting these devices inserted into his back.

Typically this surgery was ONE device inserted and recommended for people in their 50s-60s. More rare was 2 devices. Very uncommon was more than 2.

My FIL was 79 and getting THREE devices inserted into his back. WHICH WAS LITERALLY NOT RECOMMENDED. But this incredibly arrogant surgeon promised him the world (promised he would WALK out of outpatient surgery when he didn't even walk in!!) and my FIL ate it up with a spoon.

He scheduled it when we had vacation already scheduled and paid for. My DH only had certain times he was allowed to take vacation and it was non-negotiable. FIL did not have to have this surgery. We BEGGED him not to schedule it when he did. He said WE would just have to reschedule the vacation.

We did not reschedule or cancel the vacation. He called his sister from out of state and had her FLY IN to take care of him. Because guess what - he didn't walk out of the surgery lol. He ended up having to stay in the hospital for a few days and then we brought him home and stayed a couple of days and then were going on vacation and he thought we would stay home with him. When we finally convinced him that we weren't going to do that - he freaked out and called her.

When people are used to you always doing what they want - they will continue to do whatever they want and expect you to facilitate their wants.

He continued to manipulate and treat everyone like crap. But one thing he didn't do was ever schedule a surgery without consulting all of us again.

If you stop always doing what he wants and aren't always available he will either start consulting you or find other options. If you are always the solution, he doesn't have to find another one.

I met a woman who planned a holiday for straight after her husband's elective surgery. She had 'been there & done that' before. Been his rehab at home help, his physio assistant, chauffeur, maid & more.
Now..no more.

He went to rehab.
She went somewhere else.

Just saying...

Seawoman: Perhaps he needs to see a counselor for his perfectionism. He cannot nor should not have you jumping at the ready.

I wish I could get back to my "65" year old body. Not sure how you are defining elective surgery but if you husband is used to being very active and PT hasn't worked he may be shooting for the next higher channel and I can kind of understand that although the risk of activating dementia does increase with the use of anesthetics during surgery. You indicare that he was quite proud of his body and physical prowess when he was in his thirties. He doesn't seem to understand that he is not thirty but I don't really know how you can change him. We all deal with aging in our own ways.
In any event, he might just be leaning towards the narcissistic edge now. I understand this as I used to be able to hop out of bed but now at 80, I have to do a bit of a dance (rotate the feet, wriggle the pelvis) to get there. And who is the old lady with the gray hair creppy skin and jowls staring at me when I look in the mirror? Yeah I would kill to be 70 again but it's not happening so I do what makes me feel good and allows me to accept the fact that at 80... I can't do many of the things I used to do except in my dreams. I put on make up, don a hairpiece (unless I'm going to ride a horse.... wigs get hot under those helmets) and dance to my own rhythm. While retired healthcare professionals are sometime bad patients, he seems to be taking it far beyond that and it may be time for you to draw a line, understanding that there may be consequences if he decides to step over it. If he wants to have an elective surgery 100 miles away when there is a perfectly good hospital that is closer, well he gets to figure out his transportation.... by himself. If he likes a standard transmission so he can "feel closer to the car" remind him that you are the one driving and you don't need to feel close to the car.

Sounds like he needs counseling but I have no idea how you can convince him of that because he is "perfect". There have been some good suggestions from other forum members and I can only wish you the best on this part of your journey.

These are the feelings/behaviors you raise which alert me:

He has always been highly perfectionistic about his body and abilities and will not accept anything less despite the realities of aging.

He may be a narcissistic personality. Read about and understand there is 'no' convincing or changing a person's mind when this is a brain disorder. Whether he is diagnosable or not really doesn't matter although it may help you understand his behavior better - for you to make healthy decisions for yourself.

I was very supportive of him with the first few surgeries ...

This tells me that you (used to...) 'give in' to his thinking and behaving. And it is long over-due that you assess the 'how' and 'why' you behave(d) / respond(ed) like this. This involves you feeling self-empowered / develop / take back your personal power.

but now have lost all empathy.

You are 'finally' burnt out realizing that your input, intended support doesn't register/matter to him. In his eyes, he is 'ruling the roost,' in charge - and will continue to do as he wishes. So ... you learn to LET GO. Period. Go arrange some flowers and let him stew / be / you shift your focus. He won't change. He's 'happy' with himself.

Now that you 'lost all empathy,' you will be able to step back and take care of yourself, and release your attachment to him in ways that drain your energy. As you now feel a lack of empathy, it seems like your energy is (finally) drained - so you can focus on yourself and your needs (exercise, gardening, friends, outings.

You seem to have realized that he will do what he wants and that you no longer are 'hitting your head against a wall."

We have been married 32 years but I’ve had it and feel trapped

This is the crux of your post here. YOU FEEL TRAPPED.

The questions are:

How do you feel trapped?
Why do you feel trapped?
When you understand what is running you, you will be able to 'un-trap' yourself. I know it isn't easy to change after being in a routine 32 years of marriage. However, if you feel trapped, you have to change. He won't.

This isn't easy inner work to do.
However, if you want 'you' in yourself, you need to deal with the fears and disappointments - and commit to the unknown path ahead ... towards being a whole-person.

Gena / Touch Matters

I am sorry to hear that your husband feels like he needs to have all of these surgeries to keep him mobile to the degree that he thinks he needs. My significant other (SO) had great knee and ankle pain starting when he was about seventy. First he had one knee replaced and then the other. Both surgeries relieved his pain and he was able to get around and drive. But, then his ankle really became the pain issue that he couldn't live with any longer. So he went to the same orthopedic surgeon for advice. Turns out he had no cartilage in his right ankle and, according to this surgeon (who he really trusted) ankle fusion was his best bet. The doctor did not recommend ankle replacement, which, according to him, was an unproven procedure. I might add, that this surgeon did not do ankle replacement. I did some research on ankle replacement and found a local, internationally known, surgeon who had helped develop an approved and successful replacement surgery. I tried to convince my SO to get the replacement but he decided to get the fusion. It was a huge mistake! His trusted orthopedist was able to fuse the joint but, even after years of physical therapy and a special shoe he is unable to walk without a walker. I tried but there was no way I could have convince him to take a chance on new technology so I don't feel guilty now.
The first knee surgery took place ten years ago. Since the he has started to develop dementia and I am caring for him by myself at home. But, it is really taking a toll on me physically and mentally. I am comforted by the knowledge that if I had convinced him to choose the ankle replacement procedure and it had failed, I would feel guilty today. My recommendation to you is to try to keep up with new options for any orthopedic procedures. Try to help him make the right decisions for both of you.

65 is not old..If these are not “needed” surgeries and all are elective maybe it is time for him to figure out how to deal with transportation to and from and who will help with his recovery..Any woman feeling “trapped’ in her marriage may need to reconsider her marriage. My guess is when he is alone he might stop doing all the surgeries.

Seek professional counseling for your own self care and, potential options going forward with your husband's care, your needs and, the impact of aging, grief etc.
Perhaps also confer with his PCP and share your dilemma; seek counseling support for your spouse.

Please ask your husband to get an appointment with a psychiatrist. He needs to be evaluated for mental health issues - and get treatment. Aging does slow us all down. Aging does create some problems that must be endured and are unable to cure. Please consider going to a therapist to create a plan for dealing with your spouse's behavior problems - even if he will not go with you.

Me, I won't drive in cities so you better go where I am willing to drive. And my DH needs me to be his ears. If he plans where he choses the surgery without ur imput, he can find transportation. Yes, I would bet if the tables were turned, he wouldn't becso understanding.

I have to first say that 65 is NOT old(as I will be 65 in August and I am far from old)but it does sound like your husband suffers from depression(which I hope he's being treated for, and if not why not?)plus he sounds like he may be a bit of a hypochondriac, which could be related to his depression.
Who in their right mind would opt for "elective" surgeries if not needed?
You may want to let him know that as we get older and have to be put under anesthesia, that it has been proven to often cause dementia and dementia like symptoms, so if he's wanting to stay "young" he may want to rethink all these surgeries as he's asking for trouble with his mental cognitive abilities.
Your husband is making his own life decisions so make sure that you're making your own as well and setting your boundaries as necessary.

What kind of elective surgeries is he having?

I'm 65 and was playing tennis 3-4x a week until I developed osteoarthritis in both knees. I had a total replacement this summer, then blew out my right elbow tendon when I returned to tennis. I'll need a 2nd total replacement surgery soon, and am going tomorrow for a surgery consultation so I can recover full use of my dominant arm since PT wasn't productive. Eventually I'll need a cataract procedure. I also had kidney stones surgically removed inbetween all of this. Still, I'm healthy... it's just my parts are not keeping up and there's solutions for my problems so far.

When you say "elective" (orthopedic?) surgery, can you be more specific? If it's anything like I've been doing, I don't blame someone for trying to keep their mobility intact, or vision or whatever.

I can imagine since he's not discussing it with you first it feels very disrespectful and frustrating, and tiring. I think drawing a boundary so that he needs to find his own "caregiver" for recovery like you did is as much as you can do, and just pay for storm clean-up from his funds, not yours. Tell him if he wants to go to appointments to rent one that's not a manual. Then may consider couples counseling.

Don’t do things that you consider unreasonable.

If your husband doesn’t like your decision he will have to make other arrangements.

Don’t become involved in the other arrangements. Spare yourself from the stress of dealing with it.

Let others tell him what they are willing to do for him.

65 not old.

Golly, I am 81.
I have been taken to task on Forum by my own beloved members in the past for saying "But 65 is SO YOUNG! Guess I will again. My daughter is 62 still working, so very active. My SIL is 70 and so active, a real hiker. Both still driving and one still working.

The truth is that when your body gives OUT, you are feeling OLD even if you are only in your 30s.
To go along with that, there is that chronic pain is one of the leading causes of terrible depression. There is nothing quite like waking in pain, spending a day in pain, sleeping through pain and awakening again in pain.

You say that your husband is choosing to travel to another place 100 miles away. And you claim there is as good a hospital nearby. But for me, there simply MUST be a reason he wants to travel to another place for his surgeries and his care.
When you ask, what does he tell you that reason is?

You are trying to change his choices of doctor for procedure and place and he is the patient. I would stop trying to change HIM, and just explain what YOU can and cannot do.
If you do not feel safe transporting him this 100 miles in bad weather, then tell him so, and do not do it.
He currently has made other arrangements.
Fine. That's good.

As to car with standard transmission, if you are uncomfortable driving it tell him so and do not drive it.

Your saying he is "laying the burdens of daily life" on you, to me sounds harsh. He is ill and apparently this is ortho pain. I don't know if this is back related or how related, but he can't do it. If you cannot do it either, then it gets hired out. There is really no choice.

I think this has likely been ongoing a long time. You want him to do his own medical choices your way and he is a medical professional who wants to do them his way.
Just tell him that you cannot be there at the levels he wishes you to because
A) you are uncomfortable now driving a stick
B) you don't wish to drive him 100 miles back and forth and he will have to arrange his transportation however he does that.
You however have no right to manage where he seeks care and how he does the medication routine (or not). Your opinion is great, if sought.

This is tough. He's in pain and depressed and you are worried and overwrought with all he cannot do, and with the fact this doesn't seem to be getting better.
This is one of those tough times that's covered under "in sickness and in health". I myself am dealing with a spot of bother, and it has an impact on my partner of 35 years. Whatchagonnado?

I wish you both the best.