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I'm dealing with a very difficult family issue in trying to provide care for my dad. My dad has been remarried for 40+ years to a woman named Jutta who has 2 children Steven & Debbie. I have always struggled to get along with them because they have a very toxic dysfunctional dynamic which scared me off. No family is perfect, certainly not my own either. But this was really difficult to be around. Debbie struggles w/ a constant cycle of addiction and rehab, and pathological lying. Steven is a malignant narcissist bully with alcohol, marijuana and gambling issues. This is not an exaggeration... people who know him agree. They can be very nasty, vindictive and manipulative. So, I've always steered clear of them as much as possible and spent time with my dad separately.



In Sept. my dad had his first stroke because he refused to take his medications. This caused a mild slur, right side weakness, and the beginnings of Vascular Dementia. Debbie was coming out on weekends long before the stroke to help them take care of their house since they weren't able to any more. No one told me this. My dad & Jutta moved 3 hrs away during Covid, so I didn't see my dad as often. I appreciate that Debbie did do a lot for them, but she also spent an enormous amount of time at the casino gambling. The house was truly horrifically filthy to the point of being a health hazard.... so I'm not sure how much help was really happening, but I still appreciate what she did. Steve never helps with anything, ever, but would come visit so he could gamble. After the stroke, I strongly advocated for them to move into a senior community because I saw that Jutta had full blown dementia, which I didn't know. Dad always said she doing fine. Debbie originally agreed it was needed, but then later denied it to Steven. Steven chewed me out w/ nasty phone calls and many text messages informing me that I wasn't a part of their family, they would take care of them by coming on weekends and I wasn't welcome there. I warned him that my dad would stop taking his meds again, and then he would have a bigger stroke, or die. If he didn't die, he would be so impacted that he would have to go into full Assisted Living and not an independent senior living community, and then we'd have a gun to our heads w/ no time to plan or adjust to the change. They would not listen. My dad would not even discuss it, and got very angry. I'm ashamed to say I gave up, but I had no other choice. My dad is VERY stubborn, and Steve & Debbie were egging him on.



I was right. My dad had a bigger second stroke six months later, which is this month. He stopped taking his meds again, and would lie to me about it every time I called. Jutta stopped taking hers meds too, and her dementia progressed. My dad now has dysphasia (scrambled words), is very weak, and now has significant Vascular Dementia. They absolutely cannot live on their own, and the doctors all recommend Assisted Living. Sadly, my dad opted not to sign up for LTC insurance (his job offered it), has very little savings and a fixed income... not anywhere near enough to hire a Home Care Aide so they can live at home.



So now the only option to pay for their care is to sell their house, which they own outright, thankfully. I have Medical POA for my dad, and Steven's wife Marianne has Financial POA. I was asked to do financial too, but didn't want to deal with Steven & Debbie. Given both their history, nobody trusted them w/ anything financial. Marianne is a good, stable person who has their best interests at heart, so it made sense. Steven &Debbie are fighting us at every turn about selling the house, even tho it's the only option. They're very verbally abusive to Marianne and making an overwhelming, bad situation a hundred times worse. Meanwhile they have done zero to help with Jutta & Dad, or even visited him! I think it's about greed. They want to inherit the house. Marianne keeps caving in to keep the peace. I'd be grateful for any advice!

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Get a lawyer and bully them back. If they make verbal or physical threats to you, call 911 and have the cops come every time they do it.

Legally those 2 would get to inherit the house but the FPoA needs to operate in the best interests of the parents, and is not. Maybe threaten them with a guardianship fight in court. Once you have guardianship you'll be able to sell the house and make all decisions. Respectfully, you need to show them you have a spine and aren't afraid of them. Do it through the legal system -- they won't be able to fight back. Your parents' funds can pay for it.
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Hi Geaton,

Thank you so, so much for the feedback, and taking the time to write me!! Sometimes you feel like the only person in the world dealing with this kind of craziness.

I definitely do stand up to them, and I'm not the least bit intimidated. I never look for a fight, but will always fight back if someone tries to bully me or someone I love. Problem is, Marianne is a very different personality and is the Financial POA, and she is Steven's wife. She hates him and wants a divorce but can't afford to leave. Also, she is just getting over Covid and was diagnosed with Long Haul Covid, so she is struggling healthwise. She got sick after the POAs were signed. I offered to take over the Financial POA, but so far she wants to keep it. Or is afraid of what Steve will do if she hands it over. I declined it originally because I didn't want to deal with Steven & Debbie, or be accused of wrong doing. They tend to be paranoid and vindictive. Marianne is good, kind person and has Dad & Jutta's best interests at heart. However, she hates confrontation and will often waffle when Steve and Debbie bully her, and make her life hell. They know this and use it as leverage. I'm a really strong person, and won't take their crap or cower to their bullying, and this drives Steve crazy. How dare I --- I'm a female and should know my place! LOL They keep fighting selling the house and trying to postpone it despite the fact that my dad will be discharged this week from the rehab facility and has nowhere to go because we have no funds to pay for their care. He is 6'4", 240lbs and not someone we can lift etc. We can sell their car to buy a little time, but they have almost no savings.

Their reasons to not sell the house or postpone selling it are completely illogical. I kept wracking my brain to figure out WHY.... it makes no logical sense. Then it dawned on me.... they are hoping my dad will die first. If that happens (and it could) everything goes to Jutta his wife. I have no problem with that, I want nothing from them. However, Jutta has significant dementia and they can easily manipulate her to stay in her house, even though it isn't safe, and let her continue not to take her medications. etc. until she also dies, Then they inherit the house, and can blow the money on drugs, alcohol and gambling. It's just soooooo dark and disturbing.... maybe that's why it took me 3 weeks to think of it. My brain doesn't think like that, so it never occured to me. But, it's the only thing that makes sense. Can't prove it of course, but it's the only thing that makes sense. For some reason, they feel entitled to inherit the house. They don't want that money they feel entitled to spent on taking care of them when they need it most.
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againx100 Apr 2023
They're selfish jerks. So sorry you have to deal with that! I don't have any extra advice but do wish you the best of luck.
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Marianne cannot "hand off" the FPOA if you aren't already designated as the back-up.

If you are, encourage her to do so, because she's screwed no matter what she does and I'd just let Steven and Debbie blame you while moving on and doing what needs to be done.

If you aren't the designated back-up, then you may have to go for guardianship.
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What a nightmare! Good luck in resolving this situation. I agree with Geaton.
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I would ask to read the financial POA document and make sure it is even activated first. In my situation, my grandmother has to be diagnosed by TWO doctors as incompetent first before her POA can be activated...which can place her in assisted living without her consent. She has advanced dementia (stage 5/6) and none of her family members want to give up their life to take care of her to keep her in the home that we all will inherit. She also refuses to leave her home (which I don't blame her). We have her general practitioner's diagnosis already and she has to have an appt with a geriatric psychiatrist to deem her incompetent as well (from her dementia) and then we are able to override HER wishes to stay at home and place her in a nursing home. Right now, she lives at home alone and her relatives take turns checking on her. This is just my situation. I hope you find peace with yours. Prayers for you because nothing prepares us for this stage in life. Hang in there, it won't last forever.

Also...check to make sure her house is not a sheltered asset in a trust of some sort. I'm not an attorney, I just know there are ways to protect assets from Medicaid reimbursement.

You also could threaten to contest the POA by applying for guardianship over your father. Then YOU would have the power to place him in AL. You would have to hire a lawyer (or pro bono) and prove to a judge the POA is not acting in the principals best interest. Which sounds like to me would be a piece of cake.
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You need to see any attorney ASAP.
And never use real names here.

After getting an attorney, see a therapist as this entire situation is very stressful for you and everyone concerned. You need to feel as whole and clear headed as possible in managing all this.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Please consult with an attorney who specializes in Elder law. You need to protect your dad and his wife from those horrible, loser kids. So sorry you are going through this!😔
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Lawyer time!
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Elder Law Attorney and, perhaps, petitioning court to appoint public guardian.
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It's about the money, 100%.
Hate to say it, but it looks like you might have to bully Marianne to give you the financial POA. Once you have that, "it's all over but the crying" as the saying goes. Sounds like you wear your Big Girl pants all the time. You'll have to tell Jutta's kids to butt out,, or better yet, ignore them.
I have a close friend with similar situation. Dad has dementia, needs more care; she's disabled. Her brother totally controls her and her dad's money and he will tell you how he wants to take care of his dad, but he really wants the money and the condo for himself. Brother wants to not sell Dad's condo for Dad's care. Bro has been spending dad's money and my friend's money. She's got brain injury and is passive.
Another friend had similar but the step mother turned her dad against all his kids after he developed dememtia. It was for the money.
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ventingisback May 2023
I hope one day I change my name from Ventingisback to Lifeisgood. I'll be Lifeisgood721 so they can tell us apart.
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Would be good to get legal advice from Elder care attorney, but sounds like they may qualify for medicaid, which would pay for nursing home or memory care unit. I think from your description they have gone beyond assisted living, which is cheaper than the other two. But, Medicaid would come after the house to sell it and recoup the cost that Medicaid puts out for facility care. I suggest contacting Medicaid and fill out the forms so they can decide if the two of them qualify. They definitely can not live alone or in the care of the other children. Since you have POA Medical/Health you can move them without the other family members agreeing to it, as long as the POA has been signed, witnessed and notarized. Facilities will want a copy of the document so keep it handy. Its always best to have family in full agreement and support of facility care, but, sadly not always possible.
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Have you considered letting Marianne move in with you until she can get her life reorganized? Could she do it without telling Steven or Debbie where she is going?

Also, as medical POA I HOPE you told the hospital that sending Dad home is an unsafe discharge. Jutta cannot take care of him and you are too far away to do it. Once Dad goes into a SNF he will change his tune about them moving into an AL facility.
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Tell the hospital it is an unsafe discharge , get Dad in SNF , call APS for Jutta being unsafe at home . And go to an elder care lawyer with or without Marianne.
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SaveMySanity: Perhaps you should retain an elder law attorney.
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Is there a will designating who will be the heirs? If there was an older one before the dementia issues, you may be ok. If you have anything to document when dementia became an issue, you better keep track of it...emails, texts, however you found out... just in case a newer will is presented later on. Even if there is a will (old or new), if dad/stmom end up on Medicaid in a nursing home, the state can ask estate/probate to reimburse for nursing home payments by selling the house before any of the heirs get their hands on it.

You probably need to talk to an elder atty to find out what your options are to ensure home is used for care for dad/his wife. Assisted living is usually a self pay facility type place - and it indicates they can pretty much handle day to day living with not much hands on care by staff. If they really need in-home care because of their medical needs, it may be time for NH care for both of them.

Their income and resources (like bank accts) would be considered on a Medicaid application if they don't have enough income to cover cost of NH care. With that application will be a MERP form (right for state to recover cost of NH later on). The house could be excluded as a countable asset when they move in to a NH facility, however at death the state will look at value of home that is listed in probate in order to recover money paid while they were in NH. The state would expect someone in the family to pay market value for the home and remit the money - or - sell the home for market value to reimburse.

So, you don't really have to sell the house right now to get them into a nursing home. If their income is low enough, they may qualify for Medicaid to help with the expense. Or, if they have enough income, they can just self pay the nursing home.

Bottom line is if there is not enough income coming in each month to hire enough help to keep them safe at home and there's no family member willing to take on full time caretaking duties, then they must be moved to some kind of facility care. If they are no longer safe, call adult protective to have them do evaluation of both of them and the living conditions of the house. Perhaps they can make a recommendation legally that gets things moving for Marianne. Elder atty can probably give you more detailed info as it pertains to your state.
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You mentioned that your father has no savings and is on a fixed income. Has he ever applied for Medicaid? If he qualifies for Medicaid, they will pay for aides to come to his home to provide assistance with his daily living. Also, Medicare Advantage is another good option where they will pay for aides to come to his house to provide help with preparing meals, doing his laundry, taking him to his doctors’s appointments, grocery shopping, etc. if your father’s income is within Medicaid guidelines, he will be able to get both Medicaid and Medicare. If your father qualifies for Medicaid then you have nothing to worry about with regard to his house as Medicaid will place a lien on his house for the service they provide to your father. Your father will be able to live in his house for as long as he wants, but once the house is sold or if your father dies, whichever occurs first, Medicaid will then seek to recoup the money that they spent on your father.
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If you believe your father and his wife are at risk for their safety and well-being, and since it sounds like you need help in providing for your father's medical needs because of your step-siblings, call Adult Protective Services. You can just consult with them about your situation. They can best tell you if there is anything they can do to intervene and/or they can advise you on options you have. Calling doesn't mean they'll show up at your father's doorstep, but if they think there may be a need for intervention, they can help. You might want to consult with an Elder Attorney about protecting the house and/or working with you and Marianne to provide for your father and Jutta's needs. Is your father a veteran of war? He just had to be enlisted in the military for a few days during a war, such as Viet Nam. He didn't even have to be on the front lines. Just being enlisted and even just pushing papers. If so, check out Veteran's Pension for help with funds for Assisted Living services. If your father is a veteran, he could be eligible for nursing care. You could be right about the step-siblings wanting to inherit the house, but if your father and step-mother own it, hope they have a will! Again, and Elder Attorney is your best bet for legal financial advise.
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If you believe your father and his wife are at risk for their safety and well-being, and since it sounds like you need help in providing for your father's medical needs because of your step-siblings, call Adult Protective Services. You can just consult with them about your situation. They can best tell you if there is anything they can do to intervene and/or they can advise you on options you have. Calling doesn't mean they'll show up at your father's doorstep, but if they think there may be a need for intervention, they can help. You might want to consult with an Elder Attorney about protecting the house and/or working with you and Marianne to provide for your father and Jutta's needs.
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