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My husband and I are new empty nesters and were ready to start enjoying the next phase of life together. My Father has been having small strokes and now has vascular dementia, so docs have said he must not live alone anymore. Being the eldest of five, we have taken him into our home, we know we've taken on a huge task. Along with his many health issues, he is a smoker (I have him down to 11 cigs a day) and alcoholic. The alcohol has caused some major issues, he's been with us three months now, and it's becoming too much with the drinking. What I wander is ...do we have the legal right to take away his alcohol. The doc has told us, in front of him no less, that to cut him off totally would be too taxing on his body. He's been an alcoholic for at least 40 of his 70 years, and a smoker since 11years of age. He refuses to go anywhere other than the legion, my sibs can't handle him, there is a huge line up for the nursing home. Sometimes family will take him for a few hours, but he plays the dr jeckle, mr hyde thing. Please help, we don't know what we can legally do, watching tv and see the commercial on elder abuse, and we don't want people thinking we are doing any of that!

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I am sure that one of the resident experts here will offer their sage advise soon. In the meantime, if I were you I would talk to an elder lawyer about this situation. Make sure you have MEDICAL Power of Attorney so you can be a part of his care.

If your father is a veteran, look into AID AND ATTENDANCE a benefit program that will help with in home care for your father.

Have a family meeting.... ALL family members should be included in this meeting, so they are aware of all that is going on.

Talk to ANOTHER doctor. Detoxing from alchohol is possible (in my humble opinion) under a doctor's care.

I, like you, will be waiting for our resident experts to help you with your plight.

The road is a hard one, but there is help out there if you look for it.

God bless.
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I would say dad needs to be in a controlled environment where his health & safety come first.
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Thankyou, I have kept a medical journal on my dad for the past two years, this one I take with me to doc appt's. I have another daily journal, that I keep, exactly as you've described. I'm a organization freak, always trying to think ahead alway problem solving, it's been the way I am since I can remember...lol. It's nice to hear that we're doing the right things from someone on the outside looking in, yet understanding of what we are going through, thanks again God also be with you.
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I wish I was as organized as you! Keeping a log would have helped me deal with my mother's alcoholism a bit better. There definitely seems to be a witch hunt on caregivers lately. That commercial is so one-sided, making all seniors out to be these sweet o'l things that would not hurt a fly or flow venim out their mouths.

I started to control my mothers alcohol intake by limiting her access to money. But they are so resourceful. She ended up selling stuff in order to get money to get booze. Something worth $300 was probably sold for $10. But that $10 would buy a tetra pack of wine.

I am in Canada so our programs are different. Many social workers and elder workers have told me that my mother will fall through the cracks. There is nothing out there for someone with no or little money and you can only help someone who wants the help themselves. Until they admit their addictions and want the help, there is nothing we can do. My doctor likes to tell me that all the time.

One thing I do know, with my mother gone in a home, there is a lot less stress in my household. Breaking free of making the decisions for her and all the negativity that came along with those decisions has helped.

Good luck to you and big hugs!
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Sure hope things can come around right, sooner than later!
We all need to do what we can, to spread the word, educate all the generations, about how things can so easily go so badly, and that it needs to change.
It's not just elders being abused--caregivers often get terribly abused, not just by elders, but by officials.
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As an abused caregiver, I'm realizing more and more that what Chimonger said above is sadly true--abused caregivers receive even MORE abuse when they try to reach out for help--by officials and directors of agencies designed to help, such as law enforcement, elder agencies, and even support groups. The more I speak about the abusive situation I'm in with the family of the patient I care for, the more I get abused--with ridicule, disbelief, further accusations that it's MY FAULT, and just an overall HOSTILITY that stuns me each time I encounter it. Even on forums like tho one that I thought were meant to help caregivers with support and possible advice/suggestions, the reactions are sometimes quite hostile which feels like MORE ABUSE to someone who's being abused. It becomes impossible to receive a kind, compassionate word because people seem to think that if you're being abused that badly, it must somehow be your fault.and maybe that's true in certain circumstances, to a point, such as the situation I'm in. I COULD HAVE left. This family is not mine; I have no real ties to them other than the fact that I have been caring for their mother for 2.5 years. But the caregivers who care for their own family members dont have that option. They cannot just leave. Where can they get a kind word and a smile-- sometimes that REALLY HELPS. I ache for them and know how they feel. The only helping hand they receive is one with fingers pointing back at them to blame them and accuse them of wrongdoing on their part. It's unconscionable and unfair. They need all the support they can get and too many people--officials and regular people, possibly out of frustration because they can't provide any real, tangible assistance--put them down, accuse them, and berate them further at their inability to change their abusive situation. It's was for these downtrodden caregivers to become despondent, depressed, and hopeless. They need love too, even if it's just a kind, compassionate ear and heart.
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So, here is my question. Was he sober when he got his vascular dementia diagnosis? It may be that he has something that looks like vascular dementia when he was actually suffering from brain damage due to his drinking. If you have medical power of attorney and the doc said he cant be alne, I would try to get him admitted to a detox place and have addiction specialists help him get sober first, then deal with his aging issues after he has a clear-er head.........
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Good you have strong faith. Caregivers need it.
There seems to be a "witch hunt" now on caregivers. The abuse we suffer seems to be of no consequence. Other than the attorney and a different doctor....I would say to start a log. Try to keep any emotions out of it, just dates, times, actions & facts only (just in case you need to defend yourself at some point). Document everything! It will help with any medical records also.....meds & history.
I pray GOD's divine protection of you & your's.
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Thinking of moving Mom to a nursing home. She lies about her treatment in my home. She tells folks we are holding her meds back, she tells folks we are not sweet to her. One of my cousins is causing us a lot of frustration by repeating these things to mom's doctor that the cousin works for. the cousin has accused me of withholding meds and neglecting Mom. The Doctor came to the house to give me a lecture. I feel uncomfortable in my own home now.
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If it's a place that also has medical facilites available they can deal with his medical issues as he detoxes. nothing wrong with a second opinion on that
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