Follow
Share

For 3 years my father has POA for his 99 yr old mother (seemingly competent-just deaf and old) who is living in an assisted living facility. My father is seriously ill, has months to live, has end stage liver disease. He went into the hospital, then rehab, then LTC, back to hospital. He has given up taking care of his own financial affairs; I am his POA. I pay his bills now and have since he went into the hospital. He can't go home as he needs round the clock care.
The POA he has for his mother has no secondary POA-I've checked. I informed grandma's only other child-my uncle- of the situation. He has done very little for his mother over the years. My father first lived with grandma and my grandfather died, took her to appointments, cooked and shopped, hired people to clean and do her hair and bathing for 3 years before he got POA. Eventually, she went to a nursing home and then ALF and set up my dad as POA. Now he's dying and her bills are going unpaid.
Uncle wanted to get POA at first. He sent the form to her (he lives out of state) and the ALF notary was present. Grandma didn't sign it because she couldn't compare it to the current POA and she wants to sign only if it's the same in substance. Uncle got frustrated, seems to have backed off on POA . His attorney announced that he was going to petition for guardianship but he seems to have dropped that too and likely would not have been successful since grandma is sharp for 99.
As you might expect, my uncle and my father hate each other. My uncle was suspicious of my father's handling of grandma's finances because he couldn't oversee and says the way my dad did the accounting (hand done, not on computer) was too confusing. In a nutshell, my uncle is obsessed with keep tabs on all of my grandmother's money and how my dad managed it and doesn't seem very concerned about what will happen once my dad passes away from his disease and noone is in place to carry on for grandma.
I have been trying to help my father set something up to help keep grandma's bills paid but we haven't gotten much advice we can act on. It comes down to if grandma is competent (we think yes) and she has to decide who next POA is. I'm thinking of sending a packet of information to her since calling and even visiting (remote visit, talking on a phone) doesn't work due to her deafness. I will explain how dad can't continue and it is her choice to decide POA. I can provide a copy of the current POA again, give her the attorney's contact info that prepared the POA, make sure she has my phone number and her other son's number (she forgets numbers). This was recommended by someone here on this forum and I like this idea of sending the information packet.


I can't keep spending 6-8 hrs a day calling elder law attorneys, office for the aging, etc trying to solve this problem that I have no authority over when my father is dying and I have to help him. I actually CAN help him since I have POA for him. My grandmother can choose me as POA, if she wants and I'll probably accept but I want her to make the decision since my uncle doesn't trust me, either. I'm my father's daughter, after all.


If my father dies, there is no POA. No one except my grandmother would have authorization to access her accounts. She has funds in multiple places that sometimes need to be moved into checking accounts to pay her bills.


What will happen to my grandmother? Will the social worker at her ALF talk to the state about who should get guardianship? I think it's weak that my uncle has seemingly walked away. He wrote the ALF and cc'd me, saying that since ALF says grandma is competent and my father is lucid, my father should find a way to figure it out. He also wrote me to say that because my father didn't hire an accountant to keep financial records it's too complicated for him to understand.


I hate to say I'm ready to walk away from this because I love my grandmother but I do feel that way. I feel like my uncle should step up.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
thank you all for your advice. I’m going to go with my gut feeling that I’ve had from the start and interview an Elder Law Attorney. I talked to my father (who could hire said lawyer for grandma) and will put them in touch with each other. This situation is too complicated: grandma has money to protect, dysfunctional family dynamics and legal decisions with current POA living on borrowed time. My grandmother needs to have her own attorney.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
rovana Mar 2021
Sounds like the way to go.
(2)
Report
From the research I have done as a POA for a nursing home resident, if there is no one to take over (and in this case there is no one to call for help), it gets dumped on the nursing home and they have to apply to the state where resident is located and have the courts appoint a guardian. That is what I was told. Go seek out an eldercare attorney to verify this and find out how to go about it. No one should be forced to be a guardian if it is not realistic or would cause even more problems. That is what courts are for - they can and will help in this situation.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
rosebush2 Mar 2021
Thank you, Riley, for your helpful answer. For years I have been wondering what would happen to me if there is no one to care for me. Your information helped clear my mind. Thank you for explaining.
(2)
Report
You say your grandma is still "sharp" so all you can do is communicate to her that her PoA is now incapacitated and she must assign a new one or else her bills will go unpaid. That's all you can do, you have no other ability to impact her situation. Maybe she is less competent than you think if she is hedging on assigning a new one, or she is just at a loss as to whom to trust. She can hire a professional PoA. Guardianship pursued through the courts by family is time-consuming and can be expensive, and can only happen if she is truly incompetent. I'm sorry for your distress....you are wonderful for going the extra mile for her to this point.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
LAnn123 Mar 2021
thank you. This is what I think, too. I'm sure the social worker at her ALF can help her if she needs to make calls. She can call me, too. Or her other son, the one who doens't want to do anything. Let him tell her himself that he gives up.
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
I can't blame your uncle for being unwilling to take on this responsibility without being very clear on all the detail. But never mind him, if he doesn't want to do it he doesn't want to do it.

You have your hands full and your Dad, very sadly, is out of the picture; so yes, you have it about right - this will be for your competent grandmother to sort out with support from the appropriately qualified people at her ALF. That's okay. They should make sure that everything is explained to her properly and carried out with her agreement, so in a way maybe it's for the best that your uncle has counted himself out - it avoids painful disputes now or later. There are always ways and means, it's just a bit more expensive to pay a professional rather than appoint a family member.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I don't know if I missed this but does your grandmother have a will? Given her advanced age regardless of how sharp she is there may not be endless years were you to take over the POA.

I doubt your uncle would do a good job if his heart is not in it. Are there potentially assets to protect? I think it might be possible to revisit an elder care attorney whom you trust. It is possible that this attorney could become POA for your grandmother. This would avoid the quardianship issue which will eat into funds. I am not saying cut the uncle out. Just distribute evenly. It will take longer once she passes but may be the best option. Assets and properties would be sold by the lawyer and ideally they would take a percentage. This is what is happening to a late friend of my mother's. She had no family assigned but she had a law firm overseeing the distribution of assets. In this case it is taking longer as she had many beneficiaries,an apartment full of antiques and the apartment in NYC itself to be sold. My mother is one of the beneficiaries. I am dealing with the lawyer now with my POA sent to them as this is too confusing for my mother. This woman died in 2018 and it is not finished yet although the apartment was sold in late 2020 which took years to clear. Just my thoughts.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Debstarr53 Mar 2021
Are you aware that this whole time while it's taking "so long" to take care of, the Law Firm is paying themselves to oversee it? You will be lucky if there is anything left.
(0)
Report
I can understand your uncle's position. He does not really know your grandmother's affairs, does not want to be involved in any accusations of negligence and since your grandmother has to decide on the POA, what can he "step up" to? He offered, was refused and I can see why he is done. Does your grandmother realize that the son she appointed POA is dying? Can no longer act for her? That her bills are NOT being paid? That her financial affairs are NOT being handled? If she is competent, then she has to make decisions or she will suffer financial consequences. I think your idea of sending her information, etc. is a good one. Perhaps someone at her facility can give her some "down and dirty" examples about having no POA and what that will entail.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Is there an reason she can't just keep the old POA paperwork and do an addendum to add you as secondary? Otherwise the ALF will probably petition for it and the state will take over.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

There is almost always a "second" listed on POA paperwork if this was done by a competent lawyer. If no one wishes to serve, however, they need not do so whether listed as POA or not. In that case it should be reported to the Long Term Care facility which will notify the government through their social worker that conservatorship is needed. If no family member wishes to do this, the state will take over. There will then be no choice of family in dictating where person is placed, or in management of her funds and assets if she has same.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
LAnn123 Mar 2021
Thank you. My grandmother declined to put a secondary agent down for POA so there isn’t one.
(1)
Report
I think you are going the right way here. I always tried to do as much as I could without a lawyer involved but when one finally was involved made my life so much easier.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

If she no longer has a POA, the ALF can ask for a court-appointed legal guardian. That may be your best option.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter