No one wants to help my brother because he is stubborn. He was in an accident 18 months ago and was usually clean. Since the accident he has become incontinent and wears depends type pants. he doesn't even change them. I go every other day and must force him to change the underwear and clothes - he has diabetes and can't smell himself that much, but he is aware because family has told him. no one wants to go there but I am his sister, and he has a dog, so I try to help. i do his wash (when I force him to change) idk how to get him to change depends. he gives excuses and says he was sleeping, or he hadn't changed yet (it was two days ago I was there and didn't see any depends in the pail he has. Another excuse; the person who drops food off, took the trash (he lies). I am 76 and have health issues of my own and am supposed to not be stressed any more than necessary. I am very stressed! His daughter barely goes because she says he is stubborn, and she is frustrated. His son lives in another state. My brother doesn't want an aide pressuring him and I thought for sure he would listen to me, a close family member. What, if anything, can I do. Help!!
I helped my brother out. He also had diabetes and was stubborn too.
My brother had an awful motorcycle accident and needed help with shopping and rides to the doctor and so on but he was able to shower by himself. He didn’t wear depends, so I never went through what you are going through. I had other stuff to deal with my brother who is now deceased.
Does your brother expect you to continue to help him on a regular basis?
I agree with others that he needs to be evaluated.
My brother gave me permission to have access for his medical records. This is good because you will hear the news straight from the doctor and not second hand from a stubborn brother who expects continual help.
I had to back off from helping my brother. I was already caring for our mother.
If you are exhausted and you feel that you aren’t able to care for him on a regular basis, tell him that he has to choose a caregiver at home or a facility.
Best wishes to you and your brother.
Really though, when a person refuses to wash or even change their soiled pull-up it's usually not just an issue of personal stubbornness. That's usually an indicator of cognitive decline. Dementia.
What kind of accident did he have 18 months ago? What was the cause of it?
And he probably shouldn't be living alone either, But unless someone is his durable POA there really isn't much anyone can do. You will more than likely have to wait for the next disaster to happen, and if he ends up in the hospital because of it, let the social worker know that he cannot return home as it is unsafe for him. It will be at that time that they will have to find the appropriate facility to place him in.
And please don't jeopardize your own health because of him. He is making his choices and will have to live with the consequences.
My Mom was showing signs of decline but it was a head injury that took her right into Dementia.
So first, what do you mean by 'has his mental faculties'?
Do you mean he knows the day, time, where he is, what he wants to do with his day? Or something else?
How independent is he with his activities of daily living (ADLs)? Can he do the following tasks;
Cook, clean his home, wash clothes, body, prepare meals or order in food, groceries, manage medications, magange his bills, get around in the community? Also feed, groom & keep his dog healthy?
If not, can he arrange suitable help? eg deliveries, home services, aide staff, taxi.
Standards vary of course. Some people are very clean & cook all fresh meals. Others shower twice a week & live on delivered takeaway. Freedom of choice is important.
But if you stopped looking in - what would happen? Could he cope? Are his 'choices' actually *self-neglect*?
No-one on a forum can see or diagnose - so trust your gut instinct. You know him best. Get a professional to look him over, look into his mental capacity & living standards if you think it is needed.
So you are 76, have health issues, and are not supposed to have extra stress.
This situation certainly IS very stressful for you. I would back off from doing anything except to work on getting him evaluated.
That's just disgusting that he doesn't change his Depend. So, I have to agree with other poster that he does not necessarily have all his marbles anymore. He could be depressed. He could be starting with memory issues - it can be subtle at first. Just because he can have a decent conversation and give somewhat appropriate answers, that really means nothing. He can't take care of himself. I would call his doctor's office and give them some of this info and ask for them to call him in for an appointment. He needs some evaluating.
Give yourself a break. It's nice of you to check on him and try to help him. You can keep doing that BUT you need to change your mind set to not let it get under your skin.
One thing I do with my mom with dementia is to be assertive. You want him to change his Depend. You know it NEEDS to be done. So nicely, but matter-of-factly, tell him "OK, it's time for you to change your Depend. Here you go. Let's head to the bathroom." Don't ask. He'll say no. He can still say no to your gentle demand but it's more likely that he'll go with the flow. Hopefully.
Good luck.
You two will have more peace between each other. He will be relieved this is not going to be a problem that is up for discussion anymore. I think it will be better for you and you can relax and know your brother is living the life he wants to and NOW, you can too!