What do you do when a grown child wants to control your life, friends, access to the world, and MONEY?

Please trust your daughter. She has your best interests in mind. I know you don't want to hear this, but more than likely you have dementia and she doesn't want you to get taken advantage of. She is helping you, so please be grateful she is there for you, as you were there for her.
My mother has dementia, and she went through what you are going through mentally. At the beginning stages, she became very paranoid of me. She didn't understand that I wanted to help her. Instead, she thought I wanted to "take over her life," just like you. Your reaction to her is breaking her heart.
Please listen to your daughter and follow along. She is doing what is best for you. Please make it easier for her to help you and thank God she is there for you.

How to stop daughter's quest for control of your life? See an elder law attorney to prepare your POA's, DNR, will, last wishes, etc. If you are considered competent, no judge will award guardianship to anyone. Guardianship would not be necessary.

Maybe she is POA now? You have the right to select another POA if you so please, if competent. It certainly sounds as if you are.

Maybe daughter is looking out for your best interests. You may be competent, get with your doctor and ask for a diagnosis. You have the legal right to make your own decisions, if competent, regardless of how bad daughter thinks they are.

There may be several ways of looking at this. To begin with your daughter should not be using your money for her children. I was around your daughter's age when I had to take control of my mother's finances. I am not assuming you have the same issues but I will explain why I had to do this. My mother was paying a huge interest fee on a relatively small credit card bill. She could not comprehend that it was simply better to pay the bill in full even though we had extensive conversations about this. There were charities that were charging her card monthly. She was not financially in a position to continue to endlessly contribute to them. She was moving money around from bank accounts and causing overdraft fees. There was no reasonable explanation for this. I have had to cancel a number of credit cards because I could not get the company to block certain vendors. She does not have access to her checkbook. If she did she could potentially lose thousands of dollars. I give her a check when she requests one providing it is for a reasonable purpose. My husband and I pay all her bills. We safeguard her money. She has use of one credit card which we explain had to be used sparingly. We do not do all this because we are on a power trip but because we saw how out of control her spending could be at times. I also buy her clothes rather than take her shopping. She has severe mobility issues as well as incontinence. I hope you can find some resolution. Your money should be used for you. Even though we do alot for my mother I do not take her money for any of my own needs. I simply am trying to safeguard her money rather than watching it filter away on expenditures that are not relevant.

Hang on.

Can we just go through this bit:

"I lent a person some money. I and my husband both did this when he was alive. She is convinced I am being scammed, She is possibly right, I've had doubts and hired a detective, checked with FBI and other agencies. I told her I would stop sending money..."

What do you mean, you *would* stop sending money? Does that mean that in spite of your reservations, in spite of your husband's no longer being with us, in spite of ongoing investigations even, you are STILL sending money?

Why???

You write so well and so fluently and seem so in command of the facts of the situation, that I'm wondering how it could be that you haven't yet extricated yourself from the clutches of a fraudster, if that's what's going on. Plenty of people fall for them, alas; it is by no means indicative of mental incompetence.

What does your lawyer say?

How would you hope to repair/retrieve your relationship with your daughter?

My mother was mentally competent, yet someone got her information from her and they were debiting her bank account until they got her into an overdraft position. She was terribly ashamed. She had to admit to my sister and I that she let this happen. We were able to get the funds recovered, but it took a lot of work on our parts. After that, mom asked us to take over paying her bills.
It is a growing problem that seniors give so much of what they have and what they don't have without realizing it. The majority are being scammed. Be thankful your daughter is looking after your best interest. Would you rather be destitute? What if you did not have a daughter? Enjoy the things you can and let go of the rest. We have so much to be grateful for in this life, count your blessings.

lonelyandold, people of all ages are being scammed, I read this in the local police report. People in their 20's and 30's are believing whatever the scammer is saying, thus out of fear the victims drive to the local stores to purchase iTune gift cards, or other types of gift cards that the scammers can use. I am curious, is that why your daughter took away your vehicle?

This sounds like an issue that has been ongoing for some time with various scammers due to the fact that your daughter is filing for guardianship. Plus, you are lending money which you may or may not get back. I made a mistake 20 years of lending money to a co-worker to which she filed bankruptcy, and I never got a dime back.

Just keep in mind, it is expensive getting older. I had major sticker shock when my very elderly parents [90+] needed caregivers and eventually moves to senior care centers.

Try not to think of this being cruel and unnecessary, instead your daughter wants to make sure you have funds for those rainy days.

Does your daughter have Power of Attorney? Does someone else? Are you considering giving POA to someone other than one of your kids?

You say that your daughter doesn't want you to have a car.

Do you mean that she has told you that you shouldn't be driving? Has one of your doctors told you that? Are you in agreement, or do you think that your driving is just fine?

What do you think your daughter's motivation is?

I think we need a lot more information in order to respond intelligently to this post.

The line that gives me pause is "she doesn't want me to have a car".

It goes one of two ways, doesn't it? Either the daughter wants to control mom's actions......OR mom is having multiple accidents, getting lost, calling daughter to come find her. Or a doctor has told OP that she shouldn't drive anymore.

Lonely, please come back with more information.

Someone please tell me that it is unusual for a person to use funds from the very person for whom she is trying to gain guardianship. I cannot believe this is legal. (I could see reimbursement begin appropriate if guardianship is determined to be appropriate.)

I find it odd that people on this thread are advising @lonelyandold to roll over, count her blessings, and consider that things could be much worse if she didn't have a daughter. How do you know? We don't have enough information to know that the OP is giving away huge amounts of money or being scammed. We don't have enough information to take sides.

Lonelyandold,
Why did you go for a “mental exam”?
Have you been forgetting things recently or getting confused on certain routines?
Has anyone mentioned they’ve noticed you are acting differently lately?
What did the exam reveal? Or what did the doctor say?
What role do the 2 mental health nurses play?
Has a doctor prescribed a new medication lately (possibly for dementia)?
Are/Were you getting confused writing checks and paying bills?
Were you getting late notices from credit card companies or household monthly bills?
Can you record (and understand) all the transactions in your check register?
Why do you, your daughter and your son all need to pay lawyers?
Do you have trouble completing a full shower?
Why did you move closer to your daughter?
What is your response to your daughter telling you you can’t buy a dollar item?
Did you ever drive? And why don’t you drive now?
If you have doubts that you are being scammed by someone, why haven’t you cut it off previously?

These are just a few questions you should answer so we can get a better idea of what’s going on.

I didn't get good vibes about the daughter and when I reread the OP and saw that even the friends were being controlled I definitely didn't feel good about it.

Until there is more information, I think Gladimhere gives good advice.

I have experienced just a little of this, Lonelyandold. My brother is 85 and I am 77, and until this year he was my smarter big brother. My knight in shining armor all my life. In February he got into a bad car accident and testing showed he has a benign brain tumor that sits on his medulla insuring all of us that he will never drive again. He is a gay man, and has no support in his town, but wants to stay there with his ex-partner and good friend (also failing) nearby him. He was also told that, by symptoms, he could be having early signs of Lewy's Dementia. He asked me then to please take over his Trust and his accounts, to be his POA and Trustee of his trust. He decided that, at least for now, it is best he go into assisted living.
But along with all the changes came his feeling out of control completely of his life, when in fact he has managed all his life so well.
I think there could be some things you could do, speaking to your daughter. I know you likely appreciate all she is trying to do to safeguard you; people have lost 1,000s of dollar to scams. The scamsters are VERY clever.
If you sit with your daughter could you tell her that while you love her and so appreciate her protection you now feel that you cannot go to the dollar store without her OK. I was able to set up an account for my brother that is all his. It has a sum in it that will be added to as he spends it down, as needed, and it leaves him in control of when he would like to go on a tour, go out to eat, go to the dentist and etc.
I hope you can come to a happy agreement. I know you are happy to have her, and without her your future could be so much more uncertain. But I also know how it changes a relationship from "little sister" and "big brother" much as it would "Mom" and "daughter". There are times the role-reversal fears and feelings are so uncomfortable. Do just know it is all about love. Gently explain your feelings; I hope she will be receptive.

This is indeed unusual to have a post from a person on the other side of caregiving. I agree, that a lot more information is needed and we tend to read into it facts that aren’t there. Hopefully, the poster is not dealing with elder abuse. I, for one, feel that we are being given a unique perspective on what it feels like to have our ability to control our own finances taken away from us. It’s hitting a hot button, especially with some of our older members. To tell you the truth, it’s frightening! Sadly, though, it will happen to many of us.

Lonelyandold, If my parents had been more computer literate, years ago, this post could have been written by them. After many years of trying unsuccessfully to help them with one bad, financial decision after another, my siblings and I had to take over total control of our parents’ money. They were tens of thousands of dollars in debt without the ability to pay it, and were about to lose their home. Luckily, we did not have to go the guardianship route because we were finally able to convince them that they couldn’t do it anymore (actually, my mother never did admit this, though she did give up the purse strings). We did this for them for many years, using their money to pay their bills, keep up the house, and pay for professional caregivers. As their needs increased in the later years, all the children contributed extra money for home repairs and more home health care. I can’t even imagine what would have happened to my parents if we had not stepped in. I guess they would have become wards of the state. As it was they were able to stay in their home years past the time they became eligible for a nursing home.

I hope you come back to give us more information. We do care.

Rest assured dear woman, if you are not incompetent the courts will not take your rights away from you and you will be able to get the money spent returned.

You can also petition for someone of your choosing to be your guardian, it doesn't have to be one of your children.

I hope that whatever is in your best interest happens for you.

Good grief, sounds very close to what I'm going through. Control freaking is not pleasant. We were living with our eldest daughter & her husband & a couple of their kids. He was put in a medical building, out of state. He never took care of his PTSD & it exploded. While the cat is a way, the mice will play & made my life a living Hell. Her husband was financially exploiting us & still is. The police just look the other way. Once he realized I knew, I was forced to move to an apt. of their choice. (So they could still harass me.) It worked for a few years, but he was caught trying to steal my social security & my husband's identity. They are smearing my name & convincing their dad, it's me causing all the problems. It has caused a riff, in my marriage. I no longer care, because of what I just found out. I'm sick to my stomach. My son-in-law abandon me, although, we paid $20,000 upfront, when we all moved in. I didn't want to live with these control freaks & 50 year old spoiled brats. I went to senior law & about to send them my paper works as proof. Document every thing & get as much proof as you can in writing. Do not tell her what you are up to. You are a big girl, with a very well working brain. She is NOT a good daughter. All she wants is to control your life. NO!! NO!! NO!! Stop talking to her!! Go to senior law for financial exploitation. If you can't afford a lawyer, you might be able to go pro Bono.Sounds like control & ageism & you do not have to put up with that. I left & went no contact from them all. They have their flying monkeys in numbers watching everything I do. I watch what I say on social media, which is not Face Book & do not say anything about my work or mention names, so they could try to control that too!! You don't need guardianship, you need senior law!!!!!

How do they DO these things without at least POA or guardianship? Have you signed any papers giving them any authorities? IF you are as capable as you think you are simply stop discussing any money matters with her, take taxis to where you want to go and don’t tell her you are going. Cancel appointments with Dr she makes they are nothing to do with you same with lawyer. What I do not understand is where she is getting authority to do these things, and I can understand some concern about you sending people money. We have heard your side here but not hers. Suggest you get mental exam results from Dr you are the patient and entitled to them she is not, then go see an elder lawyer and discuss the whole situation. You sound like my mother convinced she can do everything, capable of a lot but not everything she thinks she can do. No good tiptoeing round things you need a proper sit down with daughter to discuss, and you may well not like what she and your Dr have to say. If she got guardianship then courts think it is necessary no matter what you think you can do.

Lonely, you have not returned to comment on your post.

I am a daughter who is concerned about my parent's spending. Dad is a hoarder, he truly does not need that item that costs $1 or $500. Yes, Dad just bought a $500+ chainsaw. Never mind he cannot lift it. Nor that he has three smaller and many larger chainsaws already.

Are the friends your dd does not want to to see ,the same ones you are loaning money to? Who are they? Are you ware that if you are in the USA, you may not be eligible for Medicaid funding in the future if you need it? This would place a huge financial/care burden on your children.

Why does your dd not want you to have a car? You say she offers to drive you where you need to go. I know my Dad passed his driver's medical earlier this year, but it scares me that he is still driving. If you walk around his car or his old truck you can see the bumps and dings where he has bumped into things, not the other way around.

I had a neighbour who could still play a mean game of bridge and did most days at the seniors centre, but could not tell the difference between boys and girls after her stroke.

On the other hand she could be someone who wants to control your life for reasons that have nothing to do with your capacity.

There are quite a few writers on the forum who have been on-line here for many years, thus we have seen our share of different situations fly pass us on the screen. We are pretty good at reading between the lines.

We usually find there is a back story which helps us understand more about what is going on.

Like Barb had mentioned, which the daughter could come on-line to give us a better understanding of the situation.

Hate to say it but if she has Guardianship it is too late to do anything now.
The only thing that could be done is another doctors evaluation that would state the first one is a misdiagnosis. And good luck finding a doctor that would do that. Then it would be paying another lawyer to take this to court.

I am a caregiver and recently transitioned my parents to assisted living. My parents desired help for many years. My Mom was a hoarder and a shopaholic.

after Some medical issues my parents and I finally came to the mutual agreement that I become POA so I could help make decisions on their behalf. I need to sell their home, clean out the hoarding etc.

we don't have enough information from the other side on this situation. I did not swoop in and treat my parents as if they can’t make decisions on their own. I try to make sure they are as in control of their life as humanly possible. Communication, patience and respect has allowed my parents and I to get along and has allowed them to feel that I didn’t just swoop in and take over their life.

I got guardianship of my dad. He had Alzheimer’s and was being taken advantage of by his girlfriend. I had to pay @ 40 grand of my own money for lawyer fees. The court takes guardianship VERY seriously. It is very hard to take another person’s rights and autonomy away—as it should be!
I don’t think —with the information you’ve given—your daughter has a chance in hell of getting guardianship but I do find it concerning that somehow you’re footing the bill for her legal fees to try to do so.

As unfortunately there has been no follow up from OP one has to feel the answers weren't what she wanted to hear - however it would be helpful so perhaps she will still follow up, or the daughter will come across the thread and be able to.

I wonder if it's the son who posted..?

Nothing wrong with that, some people do like to approach things from the viewpoint of the person they're concerned about; but anyway whoever posted I wish s/he'd come back!

I have a question. You say they used your money for the attorney. Why? How do they have access to your money?

This story is lacking too much information to know what is truly going on.

Regardless, I wish you well. Sorry things are not going well for you and your daughter.

Just a thought here, for everybody wondering how the daughter got her hands on her mother's money without being granted guardianship or POA, since the remarkably mentally fit mom does puzzles on her computer she probably does some electronic banking as well. All you need is a routing number and account number and you can spend, spend, spend.

My friend of 25+ years has lived with us now for over two years. She is 88 and I am her care giver. The arrangement is temporary (was supposed to have been only about 4 months before she and I would find her another place to live). However, she had come to us through the Adult Aging Department because her daughter was verbally, emotionally and financially abusing her. When our friend went to live with her daughter, the daughter sold the house and kept all of the money. My friend also had money saved for her memorial service and her daughter kept that, too. When my friend came to us, she had nothing (her daughter kept her purse - what had happened is my friend contracted bronchitis and when her daughter took her into the hospital, the staff asked our friend if she felt safe with her daughter and my friend said no). So, now it is time for her to go somewhere else to live and we found a perfect place for her that fits her low income budget and there is another lady who is 86 that lives in the front house and I think they will become very good friends. I will continue to give care to her and she continues to attend church programs and do whatever she wants to do. People from church come and pick her up and take her places (she can't drive). I always talk to her about her finances, how much she has in the bank now, etc and I have been putting a portion of her rent to us in a savings account to build up for her memorial expenses and now she needs hearing aids. I feel so sad for elderly parents who are abused and that is exactly what this person describes. There is such a thing called financial abuse and "lonelyandold" should report her daughter to the Adult Aging Department or whatever they call it in their state. I hope and pray things work out her. Oh, PS: With permission from my friend, I do have a POA and I also dissolved the daughter's POA.

Katybugs,

Thank you for caring for this woman. You’re very kind.

The elderly are vulnerable. Sometimes those who take advantage are strangers or people that are involved in their lives, children, other family members, neighbors, etc.

My mom’s neighbor was a lovely elderly woman that I knew since childhood. The woman across the street took advantage of her. This lady had a cemetery plot that was paid for in the Jewish cemetery. She had plenty of money to have everything taken care of.

The woman across the street had the woman cremated and proceeded to pass out spoons to each of the neighbors to scoop out the ashes to place in the woman’s garden. My parents could not participate. They kept thinking of how Elizabeth wanted to be buried, not cremated.

She took control of her house, stocks, bonds, etc. She even emptied out her house and had a garage sale!

The lady had no family alive to fight for her. It was awful. She died without any of her last wishes being carried out. She was in sound mind, no dementia at all. It’s a terrible shame that people can abuse the elderly without giving it a second thought.

I can’t say what is what regarding the OP but in my mom’s neighbor’s case it was truly sad.

This issue strikes home hard. People without people are at extreme risk for neglect, abuse and exploitation without restraint. I knew no one would take care of my burial requests so I bought my plot and already have the stone in place. Frequently I am hearing attitude of arrogance, assumption and presumption from those with kids. So having kids isn't a sure help either. I don't think there are any even semi-easy answers, except to avoid living too long, and check out quickly.
The more I'm in this senior time of life, the more the true realities sink in... including being invisible.

cwinter,

Read what happened to my mom’s neighbor below your posts. She bought her own plot. Had her own headstone too. A horrible neighbor that she trusted had her cremated and placed her ashes in the garden at her home.

She had no family. She wasn’t married, never had kids.

"Checked with the FBI."