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You gather the group together and you resolve that you are not going to take the bait.
No matter what he says you can not "trust" what he says.
If he says "Billy said...." respond by saying..."oh, that's nice" and drop it. The same response for any other comment.
Get together 1 time a week so you can chat, evaluate how things are going.
come to a decision early that if it gets to be to much for you to handle that you will have to place him in Memory Care. If another sibling wants to take this on then more power to them. (But I doubt you will get much resistance)
As you can tell from many of the posts you have to keep the lines of communication open. There may be cracks try to patch them as quickly as possible. Don't let wounds fester (not literal wounds, metaphorical)
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MrsGumby1208 Jul 2020
Thank You
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My mother did this for years to my brother and I and no one knew it until my dad passed away. Unfortunately, my brother is just like my mother and he believed every word my mother told him.

There is no going back and making things right between him and I. He is now on drugs, steals. lies, and is abusive. My mother never wanted my brother and I to be close and she got it! I did learn this "sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on."

Good luck!
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My dreadful father spent years doing this to me and my sisters, and it wasn’t dementia. However many posts have explained that dementia sometimes uncovers and worsens traits that were there before. Back in the days of the book ‘The Games People Play’, there was a game called ‘Let’s you and him fight’, at which my father was a master. The game's pay-off was a feeling of power and the excitement of watching it all pan out.

My sisters and I coped with it by staying in touch and letting each other know what was going down. However it was easier because we knew him and had very little respect or affection for him. If you and your siblings don’t have that background, AlvaDeer’s gentle approach would probably be a better place to start from. However I would think carefully about past times, and consider whether this could have started a long time ago. It might help you all to make sense of it.
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MrsGumby1208 Aug 2020
Thanks. Unfortunately my sister and I have had a falling out and now ignores any contact I try to make with her. In fact she and my Father are very much alike. Its all about them.
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Please reconsider being his caregiver. Just because he refuses to go into a facility doesn't mean that you have to step up and take care of him. He has choices and so do all of you.

I am sorry that you and your sister have had a falling out. I can understand why she doesn't care that he no longer has a sound mind, the damage he inflicted doesn't change because he is now demented. Please don't disregard her feelings about what she went through as a youngster. It can create a lifetime wedge between you. He hurt her and he is still hurting you guys, it's hard to get past things that keep happening.

If you do decide to be your dads doormat, I mean caregiver, be prepared to do everything with no help from your siblings, your desire to do this does NOT obligate them to do it.

Best of luck dealing with his nonsense.
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rovana Nov 2020
I think your reply is excellent. It would be one thing to forgive abuse when the abuser has apologized and shown true reform, but to walk back into continuing abuse? No, no, no. At best, caregive at a distance. No none deserves to be abused and the wounds will not heal when they continue to be torn open.
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If you have become so distraught that you wish death on your father I think it is time to move well out of the situation and leave your father and sister be. We get two chances at family in life. The one we are born into and the one we create for ourselves. If the first has failed, move on to the second with the lessons you have learned from the first.
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I think I would gather all siblings together and have a good discussion over a barbeque (masked and socially distanced of course). I would not say that this IS what is happening, but I would say "This is my perception of some things Dad is saying to each of us about others; can't tell if this is purposeful or not, but just wondering if I am the ONLY ONE noticing". This would clear the air on what Dad actually is saying. If you are the only one noticing this, just leave Dad be. Tell your siblings that, if they hear anything "odd" from Dad about you, or about what you "may have said" to clear it up directly with you, because you love the sibs and it is important now that you all stick together to help Dad.
If you have kids you will understand how they kind of seek to divide parents to get their way. It's always best to talk it out. Gently, not with anger.
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MrsGumby1208 Jul 2020
Yes my brother has told me things that my father has said about my sister and me.
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You all have to understand he now suffers from a Dementia. He is can no longer be held responsible for things he does or says. Not that he lies, he just perceives the world differently. Short term is gone or going all he has is long term that is maybe distorted. His brain is broken/dying. TV, dreams and reality all become one. He can no longer differentiate between them.
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MrsGumby1208 Jul 2020
Thankyou. I'm so stressed out. I can't sleep for more than 3 hours a night. I just don't know how far or what stage his dementia is at. All I know is that his memory is very bad, he says hurtful things and has no empathy for anyone. I'm so sick of crying and having my stomach tied up in knots. I think this will never end.
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Mrs Gumby, what do you mean "Plans have been made etc."?

What plans?
Made by whom?

If the plan is that YOU will take care of him because HE refuses to move into care, I will point to a fundamental flaw in your reasoning.

Your father's options are:

1. Stay put and take the risks.
2. Move into care.

Option 3. - move in with family - is not one he can create out of his own head and thin air. Don't you create for him!
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MrsGumby1208 Aug 2020
Are you admin?
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I'm sorry. just venting. but my sister can't look after him, nor can my brother as his wife can't stand my father and vice versa.
he has become an extremely toxic person, whereas once you couldn't meet a more kind and compassionate man, even though he my and sister had a difficult relationship, it doesn't discount the good qualities of my father. I just hate what he's become in the last 18 months. I feel powerless bc we had a wonderful relationship where we hardly ever argued. Now I dread seeing or ringing him. I tried the other day to make him realise how much stress he puts on me and he said to offer it up to God.
well, I was livid as you can imagine. It's like he doesn't care how he hurts now.
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This is not okay.

Somewhere on the planet...

There is an 84 year old man living with dementia and sensory impairments. His primary caregiver has no affinity - as she puts it - with him, and blames this on his toxic behaviour. In fact her view is that his history and his personality lose him any right to compassion. She wishes he was dead.

MrsGumby, leaving aside the impact this is having on *you*, what would you think if any other vulnerable elder were described as being in your father's position? Surely you recognise the level of risk?

If these are your true feelings - and I only question them because we all go through such phases in the caregivers' marathon, and we're all entitled to vent - then you cannot continue to be your father's caregiver. You must find him somewhere else to live. What are the obstacles to your doing that?
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MrsGumby1208 Nov 2020
country mouse
oh dear you know every thing don't you?
If you had have read my other posts where my brother and sister are affected by this man's nasty behaviour especially my brother, you would see what obstacles I'm faced with. I'm not thinking only of me but my siblings. He is likely to disinherit my brother for reasons unbeknownst to my sister and I. He has treated him like sh** his whole life. before dementia Now as I said in.a previous post answer, he is adopted but we love him very much, and hate to see him treated this way. He has a very well paid job but he works very hard for it. The level of trust is non-existent. My sister and I are more than happy to let him be POA bc we trust him.
So I don't know what crap you had to endure with your aged parents but dont go judging me in your bloody high moral ground. Have you suffered Physical and psychological abuse all your life? I know he's got dementia and we are considering other options.

Thankyou Country Mouse
And on that note I'll be deleting my account with this forum
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