I am the only caregiver for my 95 year old mother. I have been caring for her for 11 years. I had a full time job that I had to change to part time because the stress of caring for her was too much. She lives in her own house that is two hours of driving for me. I have been supporting her whole life for all this time. She is very stubborn and will not change anything about her life. Even when I begged her to move closer to me or get help so I wouldn’t have to do everything. I have had health challenges in the past. Even a surgery that I needed to recuperate from. She allowed an agency for 4 weeks only. As soon as I was cleared to drive she fired the home care. I have a sibling that lives even farther away than me. She will not even consider letting him do anything for her. So she is totally reliant on me. I was holding steady until a couple of months ago. I am very sick now and I was told I have a serious medical condition that will require a serious surgery. Recuperation will be months. I feel like I have failed and I don’t know what to do about my mother. She wants to come and live with me but my husband will have enough on his hands helping me and my recovery. Taking in a 95 year old woman at this time seems almost impossible. Please help me with these feelings of obligation and guilt. I feel like I don’t even have the right to focus on myself now. And that’s crazy. But that’s how I’m feeling.
She will have to depend on her son and on either people to come in or to go to a facility. The facility can be near her son, who will have more time for her, but your time is no longer available.
Get in sync with brother. Let him be the bad guy. Home caregivers or facility only option.
You must take care of yourself and put yourself first.
Then tell her, in simple, direct terms, that you have a serious medical condition and can no longer provide care. You are not obliged to provide details nor justify it. Your brother must stand his ground against providing care as well. Remind your mother that she must (1) move into a more suitable facility such that she receives care OR (2) she must hire in-home care.
I know - she will be angry that you dare to put your own needs before hers.
Take a step back and reframe the situation. What if a coworker told you she has (for example) colon cancer and requires surgery followed by chemotherapy. But her mother won’t let her because it’ll interfere with her availability to take her mother shopping. Or to get her hair done. Or do her laundry. Would you tell your coworker that you agree with her mother and she had no business seeking treatment her cancer? No? Why not?
But you’re questioning your right to seek treatment for yourself!
When I feel guilty I sometimes mentally role play my situation from another perspective.
And I won’t even delve into the hurt and betrayal that comes with the realization that our own mothers don’t actually give a rat’s @$$ about us.
agree. very useful.
“And I won’t even delve into the hurt and betrayal that comes with the realization that our own mothers don’t actually give a rat’s @$$ about us.”
yes, unfortunately true sometimes.
hug!!!
Both you and your brother have to tell it like it is to your mother. Either accept hired caregivers or you're on your own. Very likely being on your own will result in the state putting you into a nursing home at some point. You have been getting manipulated by your mother for 11 years. Enough is enough. You have serious health conditions and cannot take care of her anymore. You are important too. You're a human being whose life has value. Not an old-age insurance policy that will guarantee care to your mother in her dotage.
By continuing to be the solution to all of her needs and demands, you in fact are enabling her stubbornness.
Put all the cards on the table and tell her these are her options.
1) Move to an assisted living or senior living community nearer to you.
2) Accept and cooperate with outside hired caregiving services.
Notice how none of the options involve her moving in with you or you being her caregiver?
I do think you should also talk to a therapist due to the abundance of guilt.
The therapist will help you gain right perspective and make rational decisions.
Best wishes.
She has guilted you into doing things her way all this time. That really needs to change. You are now sick with what could be a stress-induced illness. That should be a huge wake up call for you. You are making yourself sick.
Let your Brother take charge. If he won’t put up with her antics, fine. But don’t get caught in the middle. Don’t take their calls. Make sure they know that the stress will make you sicker and you will be on Do Not Disturb. You can call them to check in once in awhile.
Best of luck with your surgery and recovery.
Now Mom sounds just a little self centered and narcissitic so she is not going to like any to this but you are going to have to stand your ground and remember that you are the only one who is going to fight for you. Under no circumstances should she move in with you and your husband (even without your current health issues) ... it is not going to work. She will still expect you to get up from your sickbed and wait on her. Get therapy for yourself if you feel the need to .... that's alright. I think your good nature has been exploited for a long time and it needs to stop. Start dropping the guilt now. You've done a great job for 11 years. Year 12 is a new beginning for your and her.
Let your brother arrange for her care since you indicated he is willing to help. Maybe she is focused on you because she thinks he wouldn't put up with her nonsence.
Wishing you Peace.
She needs an agency to care for her regularly OR she may need to move into AL or a nursing home.
A 2-hour drive, even once you're better, is no longer manageable.
It would be nice if she could live in an AL or Nursing Home that is close to you.
All this said, not sure if you're well enough to look into options right now, so she'll need to rely on an agency in the meantime.
I feel like your good nature has been exploited and now you're paying the price.
Please don't bring her in your house or guess what -- you'll be caring for her while YOU'RE trying to get better.
It will not be the death of her to learn new ways. Brother is not you but that doesn’t make what he has to offer wrong or bad.
When my sister developed cancer, I told her she was out of the caregiving business. She lived near my mom. I was three hours away. I took it on and came once a week to do it all. I was already handling the medical and financial. I added the cleaning and cooking. I also hired a housekeeper towards the end.
My brother also rose to the occasion and took on daily chores. We weren’t always gentle nurses. We talked back and once or twice made someone we had never seen cry have pity parties. We didn’t put up with the things you mentioned but we took care of our mother and did everything we could for her as she wanted. She always had a choice but so did we.
My mother used shame on us as children. We used it right back when she was insensitive to our needs.
Old people get very self centered. They seem to feel their very life depends on it. But amazingly they adapt when they have to and sometimes they are happier for it.
Turn in your resignation and share the labor of love with brother. I wish you all the best with your surgery and recovery. Let us know how you are doing. Big Hugs
Some rephrasing may help? Instead of feeling like you are letting her down, by taking time out for your own very necessary needs, think of the wonderful care you have given her. Your help allowed your Mother to live in her home way past the level of her independence. You gave her that amazing gift. Be proud of that!
Book her the agency care she needs & take the time out you need.
You know her... whether she will turn her campaign towards your brother. That's ok. I say that - not to dump onto him, but it's ok that he will find his own boundaries. Give him the care agency Manager's number. He can't fix Mother's old age either! If Mother wants to blame him - suggest he tell her to blame Mother Nature instead.
Wishing you health & a speedy recovery.
So let your brother do it because of guilt. Who cares? The important thing is to remove YOURSELF from the picture. 11 years of caregiving slavery? Haven't you don enough? You've already gotten stress-induced conditions, right? Do you want to caregive yourself right into the grave? What about your husband? What about his feelings? Your life with him?
Mama's called the shots for way too long. Time to take control of YOUR life.
(P.S. And why won't she even consider letting your brother do anything for her? Why is she intent on taking over your life only?)
She did before. She will again.
It's the same as when toddlers scream "But I only want MUMMY!". Well Mum's out so you got Dad. Deal.with.it.kid.
I watched my SIL bow to that nonsense - not going out, rushing home etc until she (finally) saw the light. She stopped letting small children train her.
Training your Mom will need to be done quite speedily... "Mom. The care agency has been rebooked". Pause to let that sink in.
She may not LIKE it - but may accept it.
If she backchats, then get tough. "Cancel it & I'll let the Doctor know to drag you away to the nearest Nursing Home."
"It's your choice at the moment: #1 accept the agency carers or #2 be dragged out. Got it?".
I truly wish you healing & rest for your upcoming health issues.
Put you mom's number on silent and do not call her back. Necessity is the mother of invention. Take care of you and if mom needs that much help then it is time for assisted living.
Repeat "I cannot possibly do that!"
Is this relationship codependent? Find a therapist to help you end this.
Just how did she know you were cleared to drive?
stop the insanity
What mother asks to MOVE IN with a daughter who's sick and scheduled to undergo serious surgery???? A very selfish and egocentric one, that's who! Take off the rose colored glasses and see the truth for what it is!
Pick up a copy of Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend while you're at it, and devise a plan of how to take your life back and set down the necessary boundaries to do so. Your health is on the line now, so please don't wind up dying before your mother does!!!!
Please let us know how you're doing and best of luck with your upcoming surgery.
For immediate help
https://www.boundariesbooks.com/
Once you remove yourself as the solution, then other avenues have to be found. Enlist your sibling to be the main communicator to explain that you have some serious issues, and now he's going to help her find some home care or move to a facility. You can participate behind the scenes if needed, but make him be the primary point of contact.