What are the best ways to cope when you have had a tough day/weeks with caregiving?

I wouldn't continue to argue these issues with your Dad if he was at all impaired mentally.
And if he isn't at all impaired mentally I would not put up with this treatment.
For me it would be one or the other.
If Dad has dementia, then when he is in a bad mood I would leave at once and tell him "Love you Dad; I'll be back when you're in a better mood".
If he has no dementia I would pretty much do the same; tell him I am leaving, but in that case would say "see you in a couple of weeks" and that's what I would do.

You say it has been a couple of bad weeks, but they will be a whole lot better if you severely limit the amount of time spent with him, and do no arguing whatsoever with him.
It isn't like he is going to change.
Nothing will be won by argument.
It is just the same unbroken cycle that's always been unproductive.

Wishing you the best, Beauty.

Call every agency available and tell them to send whoever is available. That's the best way to cope with a bully of a man you know you should not be caring for in the first place. Counseling and prayer isn't going to change who HE is at the core, and that's the bottom line. The answer is to figure out how to say NO and mean it. Look at Care.com also and select someone from that list. If dad's not happy with his new caregivers or they quit, it's back to the SNF he goes, HIS choice.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

Don’t let him know that because of the type of person you are that you will help him.

This lets him think that no matter what he does you will come back. That’s giving him the upper hand . He doesn’t care that you don’t feel the same when you go to his house.

Also don’t let him know that what he says upsets you . He will keep pushing your buttons . At times I would just pretend my abusive mother was a stranger , it helped me cope.

And when he gets mad, so what? . Then you leave and tell him if he doesn’t straighten up his act you will refuse to come over . He’s still getting under your skin and he knows it . When he starts his nonsense leave no matter what you are doing , don’t stay to finish . So what if the floor isn’t swept or mopped ? Turn the tables on him.

If it was a stranger you wouldn’t stick around for abuse , why do it for anyone?

FB,

Do you know what I hear in your words? You’re running out on autopilot. Your heart is not in this.

Honestly. I don’t blame you. You don’t have a warm and fuzzy relationship with your dad.

You certainly have a beautiful heart. Anyone can see your lovely heart in your words.

Please don’t stretch yourself too thinly. Always be true to yourself. Don’t transform yourself for anyone, not even your dad. Especially, a dad that you’re not especially close to.

You know that you can’t change your dad’s behavior. He has a crappy attitude.

So, do whatever brings you peace. Don’t do something because it’s expected of you. Hire additional help without looking for your dad’s approval. You’re in charge, not him.

Wishing you all the best.

"So you are not coming back even if get really bad sick?"

I would have said " No Dad I am not coming back even if you get bad sick. After all I have done for you and you treat me the way you do. I am done"

I am with Waytomisery. He knows you will keep coming no matter what he says. I also feel I have a good heart but I would never allow someone to abuse me who I helped. There has to be respect on both sides.

I am glad you are stepping back. Let him call you, don't call him. I would want an apology. If you do help him again, as soon as he gets angry or abusive, stop what your doing and walk out the door. Same if he calls and gets started, hang up. Caring for him is on your terms not his and he needs to be told this. He has no right to dictate how things will be.

Care.com , Next Door.com Has caregivers . You Can Place a ad on Next-door.com . When My Dad would get demanding and scream Out " get Me the Milk " I would smile at him and say " Please Ms. beautiful Karen Can I have some Milk ? " and he would Laugh . I would get a Please at Least and a different tone of voice . I dealt with the stress by getting a massage or going to community acupuncture . Also Biking and swimming . You Might find a healing circle that offered free reiki . Or a support group - There is a course Savvy caregivers that the Alzheimers association offers and usually a support group that is free . I Take courses at Upaya Zen center online and they do a Lot for caregivers and that can be by Donation Or free . I would Place flowers on the table whether it was an orchid or growing daffodils from Trader Joes and always some chocolates for him . We Sat Outside a lot and would pet the neighbors dogs . There are strategies to calm them.

I’m gravitating to wine as my coping mechanism of choice these days.

Binge watch a show, watch movies, get a massage, facial Read a good book , see friends . Whatever you like.

A primal scream and letting myself bawl my eyes out helps. I find that when I get stressed I just cry. Some people get mad, I cry. If your father continues like this, have a whiteboard of tasks that you are wiling to help with. Explain to your father the tasks and allotted to these task (you can use different color dry erase markers). If he is more an audio person you can set a timer to go along with the whiteboard. If you find yourself getting stressed, find a way to step away. Can you go take some time in your car and do some deep belly breathing, listen to some music, or anything like that? A stroll in front of the house?

You could do easy meal prep that he can heat up in the microwave if that will help ease the burden or have ready made snacks in baggies he can have easy access to. What do you enjoy? If you like nature then you can walk, if you love animals (like me) love on them and go for a quick walk (trying to slim myself down and my chunky Chihuahua). I like to read and write as well as music and to watch TV. I am keeping a diary of positive affirmations of at least three things I am thankful for each day and three positive things about myself to try to rewire my anxious brain. Journaling sounds contrite but it helps a lot.

how is he cognitively? will he remember this discussion? or have forgotten all about it the next day?

If he would remember - then I would stay away for a while. Make him call and apologize.

If a friend calls and can't reach him, have friend call the local police for a wellness check.

Stop playing HIS game. Take your marbles and go home. Stay away.

This man needs you more than u need him. He is not in control you are. Anything you do for him is a favor not out of love and he needs to know this. If you call him and he doesn't answer, just leave a message. Do not keep calling do not go over to check on him. Your just playing into his hands. And ask those friends that call you to please stop calling u because it is stressing u out. If they are concerned, they can check on him or ask the police to do a well check. That you have found u need to distance yourself. Make a list of things you do for him. Can he do them himself. Really, he can wash dishes as he goes. They have those handled sponges that u put detergent in for that purpose. He can use paper plates. He can hire someone to clean. He can order out and have it delivered. Have groceries dlvd. If he needs help with his ADLs, its time for an AL. Think, if you were not alive, what would he need to do.

Again, I am glad ur stepping back.

Faithfulbeauty
Caregiving can definitely be overwhelming. I think you’re on the right track with blocking out time to take care of tasks but you should also carve out time to do things you enjoy.
Learn not to let’s the words of your senior loved one impact you. They lash out at times but deep down they don’t really mean what they say.
Your family member loves you. Seniors have misplaced anger and frustration. Unfortunately we become the target.
Give yourself grace. You’re doing the best you can.

There are great answers around here. For me, I’m working on a transition out of hands on care. I want out of all except transportation and bill management.

During the week, I eat a tight, nutritious diet and work out at the gym 5-6 days a week. It really helps!

Until I am transitioned out of caregiving, I’m taking off weekends. Having a nice glass of wine, listening to fun music and dancing in my kitchen. I’ve also started dating.

Oh, I don’t debate, disagree or interject with seniors. I can’t change them. Toxicity is harmful, so I try to keep it at bay. I stay pleasant and not get flustered.

I love my therapy sessions. The most important thing I’ve ever done for my wellbeing! Saved me for sure. Good luck!

You have reached the point where you realize there must be limits - what people in the mental health industry call "boundaries". Start by deciding what tasks are reasonable for you to complete - money, time, energy... - and which tasks others can do. Contact family members, friends, members of faith community and paid help to have those "other tasks" covered - if your loved one is unable to recruit their own help. Let your loved one know which tasks you will complete and which tasks others will complete. Stick to your plans.

I work as an RN in a busy inner-city hospital. So, I get to care for all those difficult folks that end up being difficult loved ones to care for at home. After a tough 12 hour shift, I do things to clear my mind, care for my health, and nurture my heart (emotions). Sometimes, I find talking to my hubby or friends is all the help I need. Other times, it is a good meal, a warm shower/bath, a short walk, a game of cards, or writing in a journal to "process" and de-stress. As a Christian, I listen to contemporary Christian music to and from work. Many times, I pray for myself and those I care for.

Just an update for everyone. The OP posted earlier in the thread that she was stepping away.

Good for her!

She states in her profile that she has a strained relationship with her father.

I am glad that she is no longer going to care for him. She doesn’t deserve to be treated poorly by a man that she was never close with.

My 100 year old Mom is similar. She yelled at me a few weeks back to Get Out! She said she was sick and tired of me trying to manage her life!! I turned around and left! I was back two days later. I have to tell myself she is not the same person she used to be. She needs help and I have to be that person. Get all the help you need and can afford. You don’t have to do it all. My mom is fighting against accepting help. She says she is fine. ( which she is not). It’s a no win for me. I just keep plodding on. Not going every day any more!

Do give yourself permission to be frustrated and sometimes angry. Your father is probably also angry and frustrated about his own decine and he takes it out on you because you are the person closest to him even if the relationship is strained.

Do something you love. Even if it is only a few hours.

This may not be a popular answer, but when things got beyond what I could take; my Dr. gave me a prescription for sedative which I took when I was at my limit. It calmed me and eased my stress. You won’t be on them forever; just to get you through. Don’t overdo though because they’ll make you sleepy then. Praying for you

I'm so sorry you have to endure this from your dad. I've been in one of the helping professions (clergy) for 53 years so I know your experience is unfortunately not unusual.

However, I can offer you this from the perspective of an older person. My wife died two years ago and shortly thereafter I severely injured my foot. When normal treatment was ineffective, I had major surgery six months ago and it's only been about two months that I have been able to walk - with the aid of a cane.

I'm not saying your father is without fault. It sounds like he is indeed rather self centered. However, I can tell you that we elderly find ourselves in an entirely new position. We've never been old before, and bodily ailments impact us far more than they used to. We find ourselves undergoing multiple loses (job, family, friends, mobility, etc). I guess what I'm telling you is that some of our crankiness is actually grief over what we used to have. That's no excuse for us to take out our frustrations on other people who have their own needs and responsibilities. But it can perhaps help you understand that a portion of what you've experienced from him may not really be directed at you; it's his (poor) way of coping with his current predicament.

You've gotten a lot of good advice here about self-care, relaxation, etc. You can't control your dad, but you can control how you respond to him.

There's a lot of wisdom in the prayer attributed to St. Francis:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

faithfulbeauty: I am glad to read your post further down this thread wherein you state that you have decided to "step back." I am so sorry that your father has treated you so poorly.

Here is an excerpt from my recent book "Dementia Care Companion":

Let Off Steam

There will be times when you feel like you are about to explode. You feel like you are at your wits’ end and unable to hold things together any more. You want to scream and break everything within your reach. This is normal, and it happens to other caregivers, too. To survive and go on, you’ll have to find ways to open your safety valve and let off some steam.
·        Find some solitude. Go for a drive, a walk, or a hike. Look for a change of scenery and a modicum of privacy. Find some solitude to clear your head and settle your mind.
·        Let it out. Sing along your favorite tunes. Sing or speak at the top of your voice. Complain, argue, lecture the world. Pour your heart out.
·        Take stock. Once you’ve said your piece, focus on your strengths and the positives in your life. Remind yourself that your track record for getting through bad days so far is one hundred percent.
·        Let it go. Write it down, so your mind can let it go. Keep a journal. Write to get some clarity and sort through your emotions. You’ll be surprised at how liberating it is to bare your soul, even if to no one in particular.


"There’s a worn-out mountain overlooking the cemetery where my parents are buried. I hike there a couple of times a week, when the sun is coming out and the air is still crisp. Every once in a while, I go all the way to the lonely top overlooking the cemetery below, and speak to the dead. Sometimes I call out to my mom and my dad, sometimes I scream, but most of the time I just talk, to no one in particular. Occasionally an old mountaineer passes by, one of those old guys who used to climb tall mountains all over the world. They glance in my direction, sometimes nodding hello, and go on their way. Somehow, the old guys know that the mountain is listening."

Faithful,
I have been reading some of your responses, and it sounds like you are on the right track. Limit your time with him until you can step away completely. This is causing you a lot of undue stress.
Just think about when he dies, will you have regrets that you didn't spend more time with him? Or will you regret the time you did spend with him? I think that will guide you in the right direction. You don't "owe" him (or anybody) anything.
The care you provide should be by your choice because it makes you feel good.

It is particularly difficult caring for someone when you dont feel they have been a good person even prior to dementia, whether that has been mistreatment of family members, but particularly if they were unkind to you .

Update.. I'm in the process of trying to find additional help for my father so that I will have more time for myself. The lady who helps out , says she feels as if he will not be able to stay by himself at night much longer because she feels he is showing signs of dementia. I really feel like is more aging than dementia. But I know that I'm not able to stay with at night every night. What upsets me is that he had a great situation with someone staying at night and he ran the person off.

It is so hard and tiring. I get no thank you from anyone but mom gets cards flowers etc. So frustrating. If not for me she would lose everything.

FB, have you reported your father's situation to Adult Protective Services?

Just a little venting period...
I just searched this site for information on parents who fall on purpose and I see that it is a common thing. Last night my father did this on purpose. The people from Life Alert called me at 12am saying he had fallen but was ok and that the paramedics were on the way to check on him. So I had to get dressed and drive across town. When I got there, the paramedics were there and were getting ready to take the door down because they could get in. I have a key so we went in and they helped him up and made sure he was ok. After they left he admitted that he just wanted to see if they would come. Now today he is telling people on the phone that he talks to that he fell and the paramedics had to come and he needs help at night. If I'm wrong, God please forgive me, but he tries to make others think I do nothing for him. I was so mad. I realize that elderly people do things for attention but it was midnight and he knew I would have to come because I have a key. As I have said before, he ruined a good thing when he ran his night help away. I was already in the process of trying to find additional help. Every agency is so expensive and he does not qualify for any free or discounted assistance. I'm anxious every night because I fear having to leave home to check on him because he wont answer the phone etc.

@Needhelpwithmom,
I'm trying to step back but so far I have not found any additional help.