We just placed my father into an assisted living facility. He is being promiscuous with another resident. How can I get him to stop?

Your Dad being the new man in town will be highly popular!

When the shock wears off.. check in again with staff. Strong attachments can form between residents, opposite or same sex. Romantically minded or platonic. Concent is a moving target though... Staff have to be on their toes to ensure any intimacy IS consential, that day, that time.

When volunteering in a medium level care home, I saw a sweet couple. Would watch old movies together in the afternoons, holding hands on the sofa. I asked staff how long they had been married. Staff informed me both their actual spouses lived 'outside' & these love birds got together in the care home! Both spouses came to accept this, still visited but staff had to 'socially engineer' things to ensure paths didn't cross.

See what this is. A one-off. A new romance that both agree to. Maybe it was a man-crazed lady who took a liking to him. But if he is harrassing all the ladies, a visit to the Doctor to discuss medication is often suggested.

Can you speak to his doctor about going on meds?

Shawdogpro, your Dad really needs to be in Memory Care and not Assisted Living. With Memory Care the staff knows what to do in any type of situation that comes along with a resident that has dementia.

Please remember, with dementia the brain is broken. Like you said, your Dad won't remember your conversation with him on that subject, or any subject.

I do not understand why he would need to be removed if the relationship is consensual. Assited living is not prison. Why can't your father and the partner of his choice enjoy themselves? Seems like you are horrified over your father having sex.

Sorry, but she may have initiated it, not him. A woman at Moms AL latched onto ever new man that came in. The sexual urges heighten with Dementia in both sexes. I would ask the Director, what does he/she think you can do. He has Dementia so cannot be reasoned with.

My daughter had two residents that thought they were married and you could not separate them. Each had a spouse who visited. She even walked in on a couple having hanky panky and walked out.

This post will start a string of replies one being why do they not separate the men from the women. Good question. Another they have Dementia they can't consent. True. But it does happen and the facility should know how to handle it.

I am curious how much dementia there is involved in either your Dad or his lady friend?
You say this is ALF. It may be that memory care is needed for one of them?
This is a medical issue if your father is suffering from dementia. There can be hyperactivity of a sexual nature for many patients. Medication can help.

The facility itself has some responsibility when this is memory care, to know what is happening. And I am assuming that they "know" that the "lady friend" is not the one initiating this activity.

There are many facilities where couple become convinced they are spouses while visiting REAL spouses are relegated to "That nice person who comes see me". This isn't unusual. I would speak with admins about what they have done in similar circumstances to keep things safe.

You don't tell us a whole lot about the mental capacity of your dad or his lady friend. I must tell you that my son in law's mom is in ALF and has recently "moved in with" her boyfriend there. This is in AZ. The couple has traveled together, and been great companions for some few years, and they have decided they can cut costs by sharing a one bedroom place. No one is demanding a marriage certificate.

The man has dementia as do the other residents. They facility needs to put a stop to it ASAP. This is not consensual sex. These residents with dementia are not capable of consent. The facility should be charged for allowing this to happen.

It is not OK for demented people locked in facilities that have no memory of the last day or hour to be allowed to have sex. It is plain wrong.

My mom was like that. We allowed both to share an appartment. It works OK with 2 families approving but if you want or need to reduce his libido then you need a geriatric psych visit and trial and error meds

If it were my father I’d be asking his doctor about meds to decrease the desire. Rather have dad docile than kicked out of a good place

I had a client that had dementia, but he was in denial about his condition. I spent three days with this person and couldn't take the sexual advances any longer. This gentleman refused to put on his underwear and clothing and paraded around me without any clothes on except for a bathrobe. You can expect anything in this line of work. The office knew about how he was with his female aides but failed to tell me what type of situation I was walking into at the time. On that third day, I was showering him and he started in with his usual sexual talk and I changed the subject. He even went as far to ask my bra size and got mad when I didn't answer him.

He was dressed this time and called me into the bedroom trying to get touchy feely. I left him alone to go make a phone call to the office. I was told to leave. He looked sad, and I sort of felt sorry for him, but I didn't know how far he would have taken his advances. You can't just smack a client, so I had to excuse myself carefully. I felt dirty and violated. The agency tried to give me another client they couldn't keep staffed, and I was like no way! All it takes is one time for something like this to happen to me and I refused to go back to work for them. If they couldn't protect their home health aides in these types of situations, why should I work for them.

I've never experienced anything like this before. I had all elderly people back in the eighties, but nothing to this extreme. When I got back to the office, I found out that I was the third aide he did this to. I told the manager do not send anymore women into that household! Yes, he needed help and that they needed to send a male aide instead of a female. Even though this man was early dementia, he still had enough cognition to recognize that he was wrong.

Unfortunately, this type of scenario goes on in nursing homes and even though they refer to it as consensual between two residents, I have a problem with this. Dementia clients and elderly people are there to be helped in these places. However, sexual encounters do happen in these places, and I was taught in training if someone is enjoying a bit of intimacy to close the door if they were both enjoying the encounter.

However, this is not consensual if it involves two residents that are in cognitive decline. Hypersexuality is a symptom of this illness.

I didn't find a good US or Canandian website that covers sexual consent with dementia.

Your local Dementia Organisation may have something? Be good to see what the ethical standards are where you live.

I found a couple of good references for sexual concert matters with dementia from UK & Australia. I'd guess these may be more influenced by Europe, as Netherlands & other countries are leading the way with dementia-friendly communities & dementia care.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/daily-living/sex-consent-dementia

"The most important part of sex and intimacy is consent. A diagnosis of dementia does not mean that someone automatically lacks the ability to consent to sex and intimacy. However, they may have the mental capacity to engage in sex at some times, and lack it at others. Both partners must consent to sexual activity".

https://www.verywellhealth.com/should-people-with-dementia-have-sex-4156679

This sites covers ethical considerations.

Certainly it is an important issue.

I support freedom & human rights. Sexual needs are part of our basic needs - but safety from sexual abuse needs to be taken very very seriously.

Sandra Day O Connor walked in on her husband holding another lady’s hand. She just picked up the other one. Was there likely sexual stuff going on with the other woman? It likely crossed the justices mind. Was it relevant, not particularly.
I would ask the facility if they have seen courtship behavior. Do they eat together? Go to activities together? If so, let them be.

Leave them be. They are adults. Enjoying their time.
Is it against the rules?

You will not be able to tell him anything that he will remember or do. My daddy would talk to me about his sex life and YIKES! I had to tell him to stop each time. He did not remember - he couldn't - he had ALZ. After he was given his ALZ medication he did stop. So my suggestion is to talk to his doctor and get some meds for him. You really don't want to leave a great facility.

Well if he has dementia so badly that he had to be put into care, he will not remember that he isn't supposed to be having a romance with another resident. He cannot give sexual consent one way or another and neither can his "girlfriend" if she has dementia. So warning him and telling him will do nothing.

His girlfriend will have to be moved to a different area or he will have to be. Or he'll have to be medicated to supress any sexual urges. Or he's past the care AL provides and now needs to be in memory care.

There's really nothing you can say to him about it. Move him to memory care if he needs that level of care and make something up about why he's leaving the AL. Tell him that they're closing and all the resident have to move.

Awful, that anyone needs to interfere.

Just what in the hell does the facility expect the family to do about it?

I want to apologize first if my post below offends you. If your dad is well-off, can you not keep him at home with 24 hr care?

Don't. As long as it's consensual.

Talk with his physician about his hypersexual behavior. It is common. They can prescribe medication for him, especially if you tell the doc that he may get kicked out of the facility he is in.

You are correct...talking to your father will not work because of the dementia. Talk with is doctor instead.

There is nothing you can say to him that he will remember or that will make sense to him. He started a romance. That sounds like a positive thing in his life.
I'm not sure why the care facility does not allow this.
Perhaps you can find another assisted living where residents are free to live their lives and socialize and even begin romantic relationships with whomever they choose.
If his (or his romantic partner's) dementia is to a point where they are not able to make reasonable decisions, this would indeed be inappropriate behavior and could be considered sexual harrassment.
As Freqflyer pointed out, perhaps Dad belongs in a Memory Care facility.

Dylan:

Have you reached out or spoke with the family of the other person involved in the affair? Unfortunately it is part of the disease, their inhibitions goes out the window, I had the same situation with my father as you are going through. I asked the director to reach out to the family to arrange a call with me. The family did contact me and we agreed there was no harm no foul.
In theory if the other family agrees that it is OK and you are OK with it; there are no problems and the AL should not interfere; if consentual among the 2 families and the other resident.
Keep it in mind that once they move into memory care more of their inhibitions might go away as well. It is not uncommon to see residents strolling around the hallways unclothed, with staff chasing them down to get them dressed again, I have seen it many times in very reputable and well managed memory care facilities.
From being the sole guardian/conservator for my father this past 5 years now I can tell you, it has been a learning experience and an emotional roller coaster not for the faint at heart.

Best wishes

I was OK w/my late husband holding hands w/a female resident while they watched TV, movies, or sang songs with a group in the activity room. This was a nursing home where all residents had a form of Alzheimer's or another form of dementia. If it had progressed any further, I would have contacted the medical director (who had been his personal neurologist before my husband entered the facility), the nursing home's director of nursing, and the nursing home's administrator and begged them to stop it. Only about 30% of the residents (including him) were 100% private-pay; the rest were at partially dependent on Medicaid. That would have given me some clout. If they weren't responsive and I actually found out he was having sex w/another resident, I would have strongly considered divorcing him. Adultery is against our religion, That wouldn't mean that I wouldn't continue to monitor his care or helped manage his finances, though. I couldn't bear unfaithfulness, no matter what the reason. If both residents are single, perhaps it depends on their religious or ethical beliefs and whether one was able to pay for a private room so no one else can see the hanky-panky.

Things like this are one reason why STD's can spread through long-term care centers.

This subject always causes an argument here.

Your father needs Memory care. ALs are not set up to "watch" residents. I am surprised Dad was excepted. They assist. They are not babysitters. Some people in ALs have cars. Its like living in an apt but someone there to help when you need it. Ex: you can get a shower by yourself, but u need some help getting in without falling. I know a woman who was living in the AL because of her husband. He passed, she chose to stay.

I agree with Burnt, those with Dementia cannot make a decision to say yes or no. I am very aware it happens but where do u draw the line. Maybe the woman did not consent just is in shock. Personally, the only old man I want touching me is my DH. My Mom did not like men once Dementia set in so I am sure she would never have consented.

This must be very stressful for you and the lady's family. Dementia manifests itself in terrible ways, in uncomfortable ways, and in dangerous ways. First, to all those saying leave these "couple" alone and let "romance" happen, this is not a romance, nor is it between two healthy, consenting adults. Second, "well off financially" to one person means either "wealthy" to some people and "prepared financially to take care of one's self in old age" to another. The fact that you knew that you could no longer care for him shows you are responsible and caring to your father, enough so that you found the best place for him to live. That is a good thing. In the three weeks he has lived in this home (I do not know what kind of place it is - AL, memory care, nursing home?), he has already found a woman with whom he went to bed. That already shows very bad decisions and lack of personal control. I agree with the person that said he needs to see the doctor and these issues need to be addressed. If he is living in an AL (which is not an appropriate place for someone in his condition, IMO), then he should be switched to a more controlled situation. Assisted living is for adults who need some help with day to day care, but are no danger or problem to others (or themselves) living in the AL. Your dad cannot help what is happening to him, but his behavior is affecting others and could be considered a danger to others. He needs expert help and medical help, and there is no such thing as a consenting adult where dementia is concerned. Between you, your family, the doctor, and the people in charge of the place where he lives, there should be some plan of action, not just some nurse spouting off about "removing him". This requires a meeting of the minds between you and those whom you pay (dearly) to be experts in taking care of your dad. I wish you good luck and know that you and your sister are doing the very best you can for your dad, and if he were in his healthy mind, he would know this, too.

Anyone care to comment on the rise of STDs in facilities? This topic alone would cause me to be concerned about the sexual activity that occurs between residents.

I posted early on in the thread about asking the doctor about meds. That would be the first thing that I would do in this situation.

In most facilities I do not think they have regulations prohibiting this.
If he is "forcing" himself that is a different story.
If the two are "companions" and acting as a couple I do not see a problem. (more on that later)
I realize both have dementia so "consent" is sort of out of the picture but you can tell if advances are forced or unwelcome. If that is the case then I can see where they would ask one or the other to leave, or if there is another MC wing a move to there would be an option.

Now is dad actually having intimate relations? If so next Dr appointment as embarrassing as it might seem ask that he be tested for STD's.

As humans we all crave a touch, a hug, an embrace. It is nice to be able to have the comfort of another person. Unfortunately many elders are missing that even from family caregivers we stop touching in a kind gentle way, we touch as a means to get a job done, a soiled brief, a bath, getting someone dressed. We don't touch a shoulder, we don't rub a back.

He still has it lpl There's a woman in the facility flirting with a few male residents, even having a jealous one.

Our state allows cameras in rooms. A picture is worth a thousand words. I see cameras as a useful tool, not an invasion of privacy.

Let’s face it, cameras are everywhere. The only people that are bothered by cameras are people who have something to hide. We put cameras in daycares because children should be protected. Our elderly should be protected also.

I wouldn’t rely on hearsay about what was going on if someone didn’t see what occurred from the beginning.

If the residents have dementia, the facts may be distorted.

These things should be discussed before a family member moves into a facility.

Occasionally the topic will be raised by the person giving the tour of the facility.

I toured a few places that I was considering for my mom. The head nurse led me on the tour and brought up this topic

She said that some residents do hold hands or hug throughout the day because they considered themselves to be a couple.

She also added that at the end of the day each resident went to their own rooms separately because they didn’t allow them to sleep together in the same room.

Is this actually enforced? Who knows? That’s why I would have a camera installed in the room.

There are stipulations about having a camera in a resident’s room here. The camera can only be placed on your family member. If they share a room with someone, you cannot film the roommate.