Totally lost it at Mom's MC today; does this happen to others?

I am so sorry.

Your response shows that you're at so high a level of stress that you cannot provide emotional assistance reliably to Mom with or without significant detriment to yourself.

I would step back, and instead talk to the DON at the MC to maximize mom's exposure to community room-group activities that increase socialization. These people are all in past worlds in which they make only ethereal connections maintained through consistent human contact with peers. Her emotional life may be fuller than what you could ever provide, not being a peer that she is around. You can't by definition understand.

If you have Amazon or Netflix, I'd seriously download that episode Black Mirror: San Junipero. It goes into exactly how things can get, with San Junipero being kind of a version of heaven you can visit before with other AL/NH residents, a place where everyone's about 18 but all know what's up, and an option to retire to when your physical body is no more. It was set in about 2045. I really hope it's like that by then as I'll probably need AL! Sign me right up.

I left my moms the other day feeling guilty for being a nag…. why do I fall into this trap, behavior, I don’t know. Maybe because she’s not listening. Doesn’t wear her hearing aides…so hard to communicate. She purposely does not help herself. Suppose to wear her compression hose , often she doesn’t have them on. She can refuse. Along with refusing to walk down for a meal. . I literally saw her demeanor shift when the nurse practitioner challenged her. I’ve seen it before. Worked once , works again. Care giver stated-my mom thinks she has a maid. Yup …. I can barely tolerate being there. My mom complains of things being stolen. I tell her we are not doing that again. In her previous AL she was way over the top , and knowingly accused people of stealing. Was denied admission in an AL when I moved her from another state because of the behavior. She attempted when she first moved here..”oh look, someone messed with this” no mom , we are not doing this…arggg
i didn’t mean to vent !

You're forgiven this once, but remember -- she can't help it, she can't help it, she can't help it.

Please tell yourself that over and over before losing it again around her. You are her lifeline to what's still familiar, and if you go off the rails, it's terrifying to her. She can't help what she says and does, but you can.

I remember consciously telling myself that my mom was MY mom, because she wasn't my mom anymore. I never lost my temper with her because she never did anything to warrant that, but for me, keeping in mind that this stranger was my mother and to treat her as I'd treat my mother took real effort. I knew that she didn't know me as her daughter anymore, but the way I talked to her told her I was a friendly, familiar person.

You aren't going to get what you want from her any longer, but try to find it in yourself to be at least something of what she remembers in you.

To me your health and the health of your marriage take priority over a level of visiting that is threatening those two things.

Squid,

I have been where you are now. Know that you cannot possibly meet all your mother's emotional needs. Know that you cannot possibly make "everything right" for her. Know that you are only human and may lose your temper.

Christmas cards are cheap. Buy your mom new ones. Your health is not. Is there anyone in your family who'd be willing to assume the administrative aspect of your mom's healthcare, permanently or temporarily? This Covid issue has placed everyone under an additional layer of stress and anxiety, not to mention the Christmas season, etc. This is all very hard. Reduce your visits, at least for awhile before the stress kills you. I had to cut back for the sake of sanity and discovered my mom didn't know the difference between weekly and monthly visits (or whatever duration you determine is sufficient to ensure her care is being managed appropriately, which is why she's in memory care). Wishing you a peaceful Christmas and the answers you will find within. (((Hugs)))

Squid, I lost it with my so called step sister on Wednesday.

She lives in another city and is the daughter Mum always wanted. I am the daughter that was not wanted by my Mum or Dad.

She was haranguing me about not spending Christmas with Mum, not helping Mum with a situation she has gotten herself into many times over the years and more. Basically telling me to kowtow to my abuser. Not going to happen.

Your Mum is in a place where she is getting care. That is important. But you are not required to be her emotional support person. You are allowed to reduce visits. There is no rule that you have to visit X number of times a week or month.

My Mum used anger for decades to intimidate people, now that does not work she uses tears. Oh how can you possibly not help your mother, she is crying? Nope she is reaping the rewards of her actions.

"Meanwhile the need to keep up with all the administrative business of her care and bills and concern about the future is ever-present, like a dark cloud that won't go away. "

Do I remember this. For years I had this dark cloud over my head worrying that I would make the wrong decision. I'd be on edge that I would get a call and my day would be ruined dealing with his latest crap. And my biggest fear was he would run out of money.

I lost it on him once in the ER waiting room because we were there for something frivolous and I just didn't have 6 hours to waste on my precious day off. And the worst part is he thinks he is doing me a favor by creating 'something for me to do".

I know its hard dealing with Dementia. I knew what Mom was not capable of anymore but there's always that hope that you will get thru. They get something stuck in their head and they can't let go.

You need to step back and look at your life. All jobs are stressful while learning. But if the stress does not let up, maybe look for another job. Do you really need the money? Can u and husband downsize? Cut back a little? Is the job stressful because of Moms needs. If so, Mom is safe and cared for. She needs to rely on staff. You need to visit less. Maybe weekends only. If she calls work, you need to stop taking the calls. Block her, then you don't even know she tried. If all she uses a phone for is to call you, then maybe lose it. Don't visit if you are already stressed out. The MC will call if an emergency or something concerning her care. They should not be calling you for every little thing. It's their job to handle Mom. And you need to tell them that. Mom is paying big bucks for them to handle it.

My Mom did have a house when she went into the AL. It was put up for sale and the realtor handled the rest. I was retired so paying bills was not too bad. But I didn't like doing it. Now you have so many options. My grandson and nephew pay by apps. I just set up my Credit card to pay thru the app. Just a push of a button. No stamp, no check writing. I had Moms loan on her heater set up automatic withdrawal. If I hadn't had the house, life would have been better.

Its up to you to get rid of the stressors you can. Is your health worth the stress of a job? Does Mom really know if you have visited or not? I found that Moms days just went into each other. She had no idea when I had been there. And those cards...believe me, I would have probably said the same thing. Then thought "All I needed to say we'd get some while we are out."

"the same delusion she has had all year and that has caused an irreparable rift in the family." Really? The woman has a Dementia and the people involved can't just let that roll off their backs. She has no control over what she says or does. Thoughts just flit thru her mind and there is no filter to keep them from coming out of her mouth. If this is one of your stressors than the person/people are the ones you tell to get over it.  

When it comes to COVID test I knew the results within 24 hours by signing up for the providers portal. Printed off the results.

Tomorrows Christmas. Enjoy it as much as possible. Take the rest of the year to evaluate your life. Then welcome in the new year on a different note. Remember, no one can do it all. You need to let some things go letting someone else do them. What does the future hold? Mom's impending passing, we all die. Money running out...then its LTC with Medicaid pending. Unless your State, like mine, will pay for an MC after a certain length of time paying privately.

For YOU, and not for her, stop listening to her wanderings and stop thinking that she means what she says, and stop thinking that she has control over what she’s saying (or thinking).

Whomever she was that you disagreed with or argued with or were harangued y in the past, IS GONE.

You can live with her stuff and stop suffering by realizing that IT IS HER STUFF, and that she is using a damaged and deteriorating brain to produce it.

It isn’t caused by you, or what you do, or what you say. Take all of it “one day at a time”.

If she isn’t behaving well when you come to do something nice for her, YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO LEAVE.

THEN, go shopping by yourself, treat yourself to a relaxing lunch, and make a brief (BRIEF) visit in another day or two.

She’s in memory care. Whether you support her emotionally once a day or once every, she may remember or not, but will not effect HER emotional well being as much as it’s effecting YOURS.

Share your new strategy with your husband.

You are burnt out. Some immediate changes are needed to save you from a breakdown. Normally, you should not take face value any statements coming from a sick mind.

If you're human and not a robot, you're forgiven for losing your temper. Not once, but each time. The thing is, if you're apt to lose your temper when visiting mom, you're better off not going. Call instead; tell her you're not feeling well or whatever, that you'll come by next week instead of today, and get some R&R in instead of exposing yourself to what is aggravating you. Dementia is a horrible condition to deal with; the accusations are hard to deal with, to say the least, and it all builds up and up and UP until there's an explosion. Whether she can 'help it' or not isn't the real issue here: the real issue is whether YOU can bear the visits. And when you feel like you can't, then don't. She's cared for at the MC, so you know that! You're all she has...........I'm all my mother has too, but I refuse to go there and visit her if I'm teetering at the end of MY rope and there's a risk I'll lose it myself!

I've been managing her life for over 10 years now. She's fallen 90 times that I know of over the past 5 years, 49x since she's in Memory Care alone. I take calls constantly from the MC, just yesterday I took THREE. To say I'm burned out is a gross understatement. So my DH and I take measures to protect ME nowadays. Because if I'm sick or in the hospital myself, then what?? The reality is I'm the only child so it ALL falls on ME. There's nobody to pick up the slack. So I'd better take care of ME o/w who's going to look after HER?

You also need to realize that you will NOT be able to meet all of her emotional needs now b/c that's impossible, especially with dementia at play. Those 'needs' constantly change as the days pass and she changes her criteria. Are you supposed to be everything to her on a daily basis? Come on! Not happening! Come to terms with the fact that you can only do SO much for her and then let the rest go; rely on the MC to meet most of her needs and then you supply the rest. Bring her some cards and ignore the nonsense about your DH stealing them. As soon as she gets ranting about such things, leave her presence. That will ensure you won't blow up and escalate the situation to where YOU are feeling badly at the end of the visit.

I feel your pain, dear one. I'm in the same boat as you are and both of us are doing our best to care for our mother's while being human at the same time. Burnout and compassion fatigue are very real, too, and should never be discounted by those who don't understand. Take care of YOU throughout the coming days b/c you matter too. Sometimes we get so caught up in the needs of the elder that we forget that fact. Best of luck

I so feel you… I’m also my mom’s expected 100% support emotionally and POA etc…the works. Despite boundaries I’m fried. This Xmas has been extra hard.

Tomorrow I see mom so what did I do this Xmas eve morning? Played hardcore metal & punched & kicked a full sized martial arts bag for 30 min. After crying in my car tomorrow I’ll probably do the same after being the dutiful ray of sunshine in MC. This is how I’ll manage - Fyi I’m 50!

Maybe there is some way to literally work out the angst? For me the martial arts sessions aren’t a magic bullet but they do help me not lose it in public. Plus I’m pretty strong now for some reason…

blessings!

Squid, everyone that gets picked at eventually loses it.

I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. You didn't do anything terrible.

However, you're obviously getting burned out, so it is time to take a break. Let your mom sit by herself or get up and out and enjoy the other residents and activities. You are NOT responsible for her emotional needs, regardless of how much she conditioned you to accept that you are. Take care of you and your husband and let mom have at it for a few weeks, she'll be okay.

Your 'outburst' is a symptom of your stress and burnout. Yes, you don't want to give in to the frustration but this episode is a signal that you have met your limit and that is nothing to be ashamed of; you are human. You need outside support for YOU; your husband is your mate but not your counselor; he wants to still have a homelife with you, even tho eldercare comes to most of us eventually. You may be 'all' your mother has, but she is in a facility that should be designed to take some of that off of you; your mother must come to understand that this is a New Chapter in her life, in everyone's life, and things are simply Different now; please find ways to help her see a 'silver lining'...you cannot replicate how her life was before, everyone must adapt to the new normal and that means you do what you can and what you can't is just how it's got to be. Have the priorities in order; as the book title said, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff; It's All Small Stuff." Focus on the Big stuff, because usually the small stuff takes care of itself. Take care of yourself or you will burn out, become ill, and then your mom truly would be on her own.

Accusing loved ones of stealing is part of the dementia disease. I wouldn’t take your mother out to lunch & shopping…just visit for short periods of time at the memory care facility….better yet, just call her on phone & take a break from visiting. If something happens to your mother, while she’s with you lunching & shopping, you are responsible & will get blamed. Hugs 🤗

Yes, it happens to everyone at some point. You got emotional. You slammed a door. Everybody survived.

How to deal with it so it doesn't happen again? Please find yourself a therapist and get talking about what is going on. This is a lot to deal with and you need some support.

Many of us have dealt with the 'they stole it' issue. It's paranoia that has nothing to do with reality. Please try to educate your family as this part of dementia should in no way have caused an irreparable family rift. It's beyond her control, and it's beyond your control.

You are still arguing with an illness. Trust me, the illness couldn't care less. It's a losing argument.
Consider getting help to accept this thing that you cannot change. You aren't going to change your mother, but it is imperative that you attempt to change your own reactions.
The serenity prayer may help if you are a believe. It has helped me even as a NON-believer, because it's truth is so universal and profound.
And remember, you aren't super-human. A slammed door hurts no one as long as you are able to own it and apologize for disturbing or frightening others.

It's hard not to be frustrated with someone that needs to be in MC. One thing I've read here is that people like that, their brains are broken. You can not expect them to act anywhere near normal. Or to drop something that they are harping on. Until they happen to decline into a worse level of dementia.

I would like to suggest that you change your expectations. So with the Christmas cards. So what if she accuses your husband of stealing them? Of course, he did not do so. But it is VERY common for people with dementia to accuse people close to them of stealing from them. Let it go. How did this cause an irreparable rift in your family? That's just plain old sad. And unnecessary. Hopefully it can be repaired. Unless the people in the rift are not willing to be reasonable, which is their right.

Since she is in a facility that is meeting her basic needs, I think you should consider backing off a little bit. You can't meet all her emotional needs. Cut back a bit on how much you are visiting. Either number of days and/or minutes per visit.

Put some time and energy back into your marriage.

You are definitely not the only one to lose your temper and/or behave badly. Been there. It's hard dealing with this! You are sorry and very aware that it was not your best moment, so I doubt that it will happen again.

Don't be too hard on yourself! Best of luck as you continue to work on finding a good balance.

So what! You weren't perfect nobody is. I would reduce visits. I used to feel terrible
about so much. 90% of it was unrealistic expectations placed on myself. Today's parental visit lasted 5 minutes because they were in their disease so I left. I'll see them soon. Your mom sounds like a leech don't let her drain you dry.

Slamming a door is very moderate under the circumstances and give yourself some credit for your usual self control.
Maybe you and your husband need to give your mother a wide berth for a few days let someone else care for her and enjoy each other. If she is struggling with dementia she will complain on your return but may not notice your absence as much as you might think.
Take a step back and consider the toll this is taking on you. Are there options? If not, remember this stage does not last forever - although sometimes it can get slightly worse, so worth considering how to handle it now.
Good luck.

There is a ton of great advice here! I would add that you would find a formal “sit down” meeting with her care team at MC helpful. If she has had that many falls, I would also advise talking about the possibility of hospice services with the MC team, they can recommend. Hospice doesn’t have to mean your mom is on the road to immediately die, it just means that there’s a clear understanding of what actions need to be taken when she falls, when she’s sick, etc… They also provide other therapists, my mom had a music therapist who just came and visited with her, they did it via video phone during COVID. I am an only child and completely understand the unique pressures you are under. Use the MC professionals, they know what they a doing and can help. Tell them more specifically when you need to be called. They are required to notify you of falls, but that doesn’t mean you need to do anything. Take care of yourself because her dementia is not going to get any better, also blaming you (your spouse) for things is probably her weird way of getting attention. Let your extended family know that she has dementia and is not able to understand the truth. I ultimately had to take away moms phone in MC because she kept calling 911, that may be an option for you.

Just so you know, your problem is universal! We are humans and our patience has limits.
It sometimes helps me to remember photos of an Alzheimer’s diseased brain. It helps me to understand what is happening in my own husband’s brain, and why he behaves so strangely. It even makes me wonder how he is even alive.
Each morning I pray for strength, wisdom, and even patience to endure what the day will bring. God has been faithful to answer my prayers. Hang in there with your mother. You will be glad you did.

Why would your mother’s accusation of your husband stealing her Xmas cards cause an irreparable
rift ???? She has dementia!!!!
that’s part of disease!!!!
let it go !!! I think you need educate yourself and hubby on what dementia looks like and be more compassionate knowing her brain is broken and it’s not her fault !!!!
hope you and hubby can find some sympathy and understanding for the real upheaval your mother’s experiencing everyday.

To the point, cut back on the visits. Has your mother had a recent mental evaluation to adjust her medications? My sister in AL had to have this done as she had become very difficult, accusations of me and her care staff stealing things. She even came up with a name for it. She called them "pickers". And every time I visited she immediately went into "moan, groan, complain" mode. Her meds were adjusted and it helped a lot. But, I also found that cutting back on visits were not noticeable to her and it certainly helped my attitude. Your husband I hope understands that she has no rational thought process at this point. If he has little to no patience with the situation and its a trait of his in other matters, then it might be better if he doesn't visit. But I really see cutting back on visits as benefiting you and your family. Your frustration will become more manageable. I wonder if you are concerned that if you cut back you will feel like you have abandoned her. Let the staff do their job. Ease your mind and it may even be beneficial to the staff to reduce your visits. Its not letting go on her security rope, its just loosening your grip. You may have even convinced yourself that you are the only one that can meet her needs. If you feel good about the staff and facilities, let yourself depend on them. Don't be a martyr. Her needs are being met. Take care of yourself and your life.

Getting angry and losing your temper is normal. I lost my temper several times, and felt horrible afterward. The good thing is that with Dementia, tomorrow is always a new day, and our loved ones might forget the outburst.

However, I do not understand why your mother's delusion caused a rift in the family. Hallucinations and delusions are a part of the disease. You have to find ways to manage them by using distraction, redirection, and therapeutic lying. Medication is also needed.

You are trying to fill a lot of big relationship buckets with your half-empty (near-empty?) emotional bucket. No wonder you feel stressed, tired, and about to lose it at the MC (other places too?).

May I recommend that you need to talk with a counsellor to sort out all these relationships. I also recommend reading any of the boundary books by Townsend and Cloud since it appears that you are allowing others' behavior and needs overwhelm you. These authors outline great strategies for dealing with the stress you write of. A counsellor can help you with putting together strategies to implement.

May I also suggest you have a series of talks with your spouse. Your relationship is getting overwhelmed with caregiving and the financial stress of it. Discuss what you both want out of this time in your lives. Discuss what is getting in the way of nurturing your relationship. Discuss ways to deal with those issues. You may also wish to talk to the social worker at MC about your mom's other ways of financing her MC.

Lots of people have said you shouldn't feel terrible about your little blowout the other day. So don't!
And don't get too concerned about the stealing accusations. It's universal to dementia patients.
Buy a big box of inexpensive cards and give her 4 or 5 at a time.

Reduce the number if times you visit to something YOU can handle. This is such a stressful situation. Take care of yourself.

When you do go to visit it might make things easier to change what you do when visiting. Remember that it us nearly impossible to have a real conversation with a dementia patient. It will only frustrate you both if you try to chat about family or friends she may not even recall, or what you've been up to. Visit during one of the scheduled activities and join in with her. Sitting together to watch a guitarist perform is together time without stress. If they have a craft or activity, join in, or play a game with the group. If there isn't an activity maybe you can start something. If there are several people hanging around, start a singalong. Just break out in a familiar tune and someone is bound to join in. Often dementia patients can sing a familiar song, even if they cannot form a sensible sentence. And if you think that would embarrass you, well, it's less embarrassing than losing your cool and slamming a door! Just do it!
A visit that includes going to lunch or shopping may be more interesting to you, but can be disruptive to your mother. She has a set routine in familiar surroundings. Going somewhere else bombards her with different stimuli that her brain has trouble processing. And it's more stress on you to get her in and out of the car, watch to be sure she doesn't wander off, wonder if she'll need the bathroom (or if you need it!) Much easier to stay at the MC.

So, cutting yourself some slack, reducing the number of visits, and changing what you do during the visits might significantly reduce your stress levels.
Then pick a time to have a date with your husband! You both deserve it.
Best of luck to you.

You mention coping mechanisms - In case you have not had the pleasure, my advice is explore Teepa Snow’s work. She is not only called the ‘Dementia Whisperer’ in the industry, but is also a breath of fresh air to any and all family caregivers. She is blunt, humorous, and honest with all of her work. YouTube is a good starting point, but I believe she also has podcasts and webinars.

I want to tell you right now that you're not the first person to lose their temper with an elderly person and you certainly won't be the last. So please stop beating yourself up over it. You're not perfect. None of us are.
Being everything and everyone for your mother is too much or one person. You do not have to meet all of her emotional needs. If this was something you were unable to do before dementia arrived, what makes you think you can do it now?
Please for your own sake as well as your husband's, step back. You can have a conservator appointed over your mother through the probate court in the town she lives in. Visit the probate court and talk to them about this. They will direct and provide information for you to make a decision.
If your dementia-suffering mother carrying on about Christmas cards being stolen has caused such a rift in your family, you must have the dumbest family on earth. No offense intended but come on. Do they not understand what a memory care facility is and why an elderly person lives in one? They don't know what dementia is or the delusions and the incoherent, asinine behaviors that accompanies it?
It sounds to me like your family needs to speak to a doctor and get a few pamphlets to learn what dementia is.

I wrote for a newspaper while I was taking care of my Dad with dewmentia. Let's just say, I wrote a column called BREAKING BAD - when caregivers overdo it and how to help. LOL
My dad's doctor's office told me I needed to calm down. LOL I am one of the most calm, peacemaking people ever. It changes you. Ask your doctor about SSRI's. I started taking them, and it helped tremendously. You also need people to vent on, and tell your story to. God bless you!