Too many doctor visits.

At 90 I would stick to the very basics. With my mom and now aunt @ 94 we got many mobile services done st their homes. Primary care visits, labs, ultrasounds & x-rays. I found a good patient transport company for my dad when he was alive. I could ride with him at no charge & it was so easy having help. Reasonable prices and worth every penny.
Limits the appointments and commit to one a week. You need to take care of yourself.
You could hire a caregiver to go with her to the less detailed appointments.

I know exactly how you feel. I live in Australia. Once my father turned 75 and found out nearly all medical services were free (to him, not the tax payer) his life was one continuous merry go round of various GP’s specialists and auxiliary services. Having National healthcare is great but a goldmine for lots of GPs where the elderly are concerned You visit the doctor who orders blood tests bone density tests blood pressure monitoring, scans (just to be sure ) on and on. Being so closely and continuously monitored meant something was always being found in the early stages which meant more appointments. All the meds free or very cheap It became his way of passing the time and once he stopped driving I arranged for a patient transfer service which was run by church charities and cost little. There was no way I was turning over my life to this My father got older ( he died at 88) and sicker. It’s unavoidable but when there is a never ending goldmine of govt money you get put on the medical merry go round. The older he got the more he searched for ways to stay above the ground. His last years were miserable and when his lungs started collapsing they put him in hospital, punctured a hole thru his back and artificially inflated them to try to get them to stick. This is when I said. No More and he was moved into care where he lasted another six mths. Just basic good daily care and made comfortable with no pain. It’s shit

Rant away it’s good to get things out I have a similar MIL and completely understand . The doctor apts are relentless I like you had burned out and let her son handle it . Obviously nobody wants to see another person suffer in pain BUT these older people forget that in fact they are old and a sore from laying in bed all day is just a sore and you 87 ! We would have to rush to the emergency room only to be sent home many hours later there comes a time when you have to say well not much can be done it’s old age

I can remember when my mother was living with me for 15 months and also addicted to doctor's visits how resentful and anxious I would become having to drive her to an appt. On our way to the appointment, my mother would sense I was upset and then start in on me. Asking what's wrong. Are you mad? I would say yes. I am mad. I didn't ask for this life. I don't want to take care of you. I have a life. I already raised 5 kids and I don't want to raise you for the next 20 years. Every singe time we would get in the car for a doctor's visit we would get into a huge fight. I would begin to dread an upcoming appt. and started cancelling them and telling her they had to reschedule.

She is in AL now. Doctor's office arranges transportation to their office because I said I am not her caregiver anymore and AL does not have transportation so you all need to figure it out. Best thing that ever happened. I have my life back. I am free.

Please don't sacrafice your own happiness and well being for your MIL. Let her IL handle it all or it is time to transition her to AL. Her needs will be taken care of without you if you just say - I am not her caregiver.

Yes.

I took mom to every doctor and specialist under the sun for a year. She had cataract surgery, brain scans, spinal taps, skin cancer surgery, you name it. Despite all that she is pretty healthy. Actually, she is very healthy for her age except for the dementia and high blood pressure.

Once we established a baseline, though, I stopped. Like you, I got tired of dragging her around and neglecting my own health. Enough was enough. The doctors always want to schedule follow ups every 6 months or even more often. Forget it.

When she asks to go to the doctor now for trivial things like a burn on her leg I tell her she can have her caregiver take her to urgent care if it looks bad. Otherwise, we will be on a never ending hamster wheel of doctors.

Like others have said, it is fun for them or at least reduced anxiety. We get lunch on the way to or from so it is an outing. However, it is not fun for me and doesn’t reduce my anxiety.

I haven’t been to the doctor in I don’t know how long. She is probably going to outlive me at this rate.

Remembering what Beatty said--“Resentment is a normal reaction to giving too much".

It sounds like MIL needs to hire some help. Surely there are aides or CNAs at her facility who'd love to accompany her in a cab to doc visits?

Perhaps if all these visits came with a tangible "cost" she might think twice about how many times a year she needs a check-in.

And yes, when she needs to go to AL, it needs to be in Sissy's neck of the woods.

I am the OP, and wanted to update. I have been immersed in taking care of my own mother's estate--estate sale, getting her house on the market, all the other things that go with an estate. But I have tried a few things.

First I want to say that I have thought a lot about this situation and how I got into the middle of it. We talk about narcissism a lot on this forum, and I think that's at the crux of it. In my own family, we would NEVER expect ANYONE, family or no, to just be at our beck and call. I have decided that is what I am struggling with the most here, even more than with the time it all takes. How DARE my husband's family expect me to do all this? It has just been unceremoniously dumped on me. When I have politely suggested that it was too much, they act like what I do is no big deal. Or will make some big overly dramatic gesture, like taking over driving for an appointment or two, and then we are back to the same situation again.

It is the attitude from them that's wrong. They are totally comfortable taking advantage of me. I am a helping person by nature, and I would have been happy to participate in the care of my MIL, but am not willing to take it over completely. And they had no right to just assume I would. It is a story I see over and over on this forum.

So, back to what I have done. Yes, the IL has transportation. MIL can barely walk; unstable with a walker, but can get around. I am letting the bus there take her to most things. I have decided to define what I am willing to do, and that is one visit a week, 2-3 weeks out of the month. We have MIL over for Sunday afternoon most weeks. I am cutting that back also to 2-3 Sundays a month.

It is sort of working for now, but MIL really needs shepherding into appointments. The bus driver is a good man, and is not callous. He doesn't just dump her, but she is 90 and while her mind is still good, for anything "big" she needs someone else there. The smaller things are ok on the bus as she is literally dropped at the door, and these are usually small offices. The driver will sometimes take her to the bank.

But still she is a doctor addict. I think that's what she does with her thoughts and time. For instance, she needed new glasses. So trip to the opthomologist, trip to vision center, another trip to pick the glasses up and they weren't right, so back to the opthomologist, back to the vision center to reorder, and then pick up glasses when they are ready. Six trips. EVERYTHING is like that. Today she had a skin cancer removed, and it ended up being a problem as her skin is so thin--it now will require visits to a wound center, every 1-2 weeks, until it's healed. So I am constantly having to think about what I will and won't do. When she says, "I'll just take the bus" I let her. I can tell her friends at the home are thinking MIL is not being tended to properly.

So that's where I am now. I am going to look for a driver, as several suggested below. Hopefully a good fit will come up, someone she knows. Her inability to walk well and her age mean letting the bus handle it isn't a workable long-term solution. I learned with my own mom that going into AL doesn't necessarily solve these doctor problems either. The answer is, unfortunately, to just not go anymore.

Most Independent Living facilities provide transportation to doctor appointments and for shopping and other needs.
If MIL's facility provides this could she arrange for the facility to take her to some if not most of these appointments?
Now, if MIL is not cognizant then that is a different story and she should be accompanied by someone. That could be you or it could be a Care Manager that she pays to accompany her and take notes and relay information back to family.

Personally I find it unfair (to put it mildly) that your husband will not help in any of this. Is there any way that you all of a sudden have a conflict when she has an appointment and he has to take her? (another side note if your hubby is POA he should be involved in this more than he is)

My father would go to the same doctor TWICE in one day. Each time requiring me to take off of work to take him. I fell for it twice then put my foot down. These were social engagements for my father...and at the expense of my livelihood.

Years later when he was in AL he broke his dentures. I was led to believe they required him to get implants to replace them so I had to take him to an oral surgeon. After I saw all that was involved I asked if it was really necessary for a 90+ year old man and they said no, they just wanted me to see all the options. Options that required me to again miss work taking him to more doctors.

It was a steep learning curve.

Like Snakes & Ladders, a few snakes there to slide back down.. so I learnt: gotta watch for snakes!

I started with my own list, a sort of 'needs assessment' list. All the tasks, chores, errands, appointments, duties. Then wrote names next to each one. Two of us (third was out) - me doing a bit more than a mouse's amount, the other the lion's.

Basically when you saw the list, it's obvious that LO was no longer independant. Required so much help for ADLs + IADLs. Home Care was involved by then (ooh a hard won battle there..) but a Manager was needed to run it all. Run an *assisted living for one*.

As Weary found, Uber/Taxi wasn't suitable for appointments. More help with mobility than a driver could be expected to do plus more help with communication than an Aide would be expected really.

So basically LO not independant for appointments.

So I kept medical appointments.
But got out a coloured pen & crossed my name off all other tasks.

I stated that all my other tasks must now get a NEW solution. I found various agencies & supports, made numerous suggestions for these. Some taken up, some not.

Then I had to get HARD. Phone calls.. just this once.. could you.. No.

Medical appointments: Doctor. Dentist. Podiatrist. Specialist after Specialist after Specialist. Hairdresser.. One week blew out to near daily appointments!

Some appointments made to fit around my life, some not.

Appointment + post office or shops + clean up at home..

Get the picture?

Mission Creep again!!
Being taken advantage of again.

So next chat was "This is WAY TOO MUCH. It is no longer reasonable. You will need to find another solution. Starting asap.

I arranged a liason with a Social Worker to go over a Needs Assessment & make recommendations. I arranged an OT home safety check. I arranged a Dr review. All agreed: Supported Accom was required.

HI Beatty, I'm glad you're no longer a slave to your relatives (sisters?). Just wondering how/what exactly you broke the news to them that you resigned from your Cinderella's post, and how they took it.

I think it would be very helpful to other posters who really want to break free and unsure how to do it.

Further on the *resentment* topic.

I now think of it as a seed.
A seed that can grow into anger.
Anger is energy. Can spill out at our family, our spouse, everywhere. Or we can try to harness it & use this energy TOWARDS CHANGE.

Once I made my list of all the stuff I was doing, I got real mad. Felt really used. By everyone else who was happy to let me carry on, that my time was not important to them.

Now I think no-one knew what else to do..

So there I was, the little frog in the heating pot.. no-one interested to turn the heat down, just up up up.

I had to get the strength to jump out myself!

It took me ages to sort this all out by the way, but I did. You can too!

Ditto here.
We Just had to refuse appt for surgical consult for hernia . FIL is 89 , dementia, chronic respiratory failure , etc .
FIL does not want surgery . Also he is not a surgical candidate and they know it , but they recommended him following up with surgeon anyway after discharge from hospital for acute respiratory failure in top of chronic respiratory failure and CHF .
FIL has great secondary insurance . They would get to charge for a consult if he went to talk to them .

“She has extra insurance coverage, and everything is free with no out-of-pocket. So every new specialist suggested by doctors is fair game.”

This is the issue here. The medical profession makes most their incomes on people with the extra coverage. I had to step in for my mom when her Dr was referring her for senseless specialty visits. Once they see this kind of insurance BINGO.

Go ahead and rant all you want! Many of us were taxi drivers for our loved ones.

In our area, Council on Aging provides rides to doctor visits. They have large shuttle buses that accommodate wheelchairs. They drop off and pick up.

Contact C on A in your area to see if this is available for you.

Best wishes to you.

7/26/23
From: ElizabethAR37

My spouse (93) and I (86) make as few doctor visits as possible--maybe even fewer than we "should". Our PCP always wants to make a referral to one specialist or another. Why, when we are unwilling to endure invasive tests, procedures or surgeries? We are very much aware that there is no miracle "cure" for being 93 and 86. We are going to shuffle off this mortal coil at some time in the not-too-distant future; that simply is going to happen. Living to 140 is not on our wish list. Personally, I just don't want to suffer at EOL.

If at all possible, I prefer not to collude with the medical industrial complex or accede to over-treatment. I'm not convinced that they always have an older adult's best interest or quality of life (v. quantity) in mind. After all, they get paid based on coded tests and procedures. To be clear, most practitioners aren't the problem. "Corporate medicine", insurance companies, middlemen and the fee-for-service system are, IMO.

Now that I (voluntarily) try to avoid driving on the freeway--it's way too crazy out there these days--or at night, finding reliable transportation if we need services away from our local area is a challenge. We do not intend to burden our adult children with this task unless it's absolutely essential.

I am soon entering year 3 of being MPOA for my sister with vascular dementia...this is the year we begin cutting dr. appts in half, and cutting meds to a minimum (already eliminated 4 of 14).
All practitioners agree she is not a good candidate for any surgery, or extreme treatments to extend her life....so why all the medical surveillance?
If she had symptoms/discomfort/sudden decline in health I would not hesitate to seek treatment for comfort sake.
As it is, her physical health is more stable than my own. 10 routine wellness visits (plus lab appts.) a year is just too much.

When I took over my Moms finances, I found my Mom was going to her PCP every two months. I asked her why. She said because he told her to. My Mom was on B/P and cholesterol meds only. She needed to only go every 6 months to renew her prescriptions. So her next appt I went with her. The Nurse (friend of the family) asked why she was there. I said I have no idea. But if he asks her why she is there, she will not be coming again unless she is sick or needs a renewal. He asked, I stopped taking her. Same with her Urologist. She had been treated for Bladder cancer and 5 yrs later at 85, he was still scoping her. I told him we were going to once a year. I don't see why ur Mom needs to go monthly. Is she being given anything to prevent the UTI? Cranberry tablets a probiotic? A nurse on the forum recommends D-Mannose to prevent UTIs. Mom should be drinking water and making sure she voids completely, bending forward helps with this. Using wipes with #2. You can home test her for UTIs.

Same with Moms Gastroenterologist. She went because an xray showed a thickening on the top of her stomach. The Dr. said he thought it was caused by her Gerd. After going every six months to "keep check" I had him change it to 1x a yr.

Her eyes, she should be seeing her doctor 1x a year. The shots she needs to. You say Mom is healthy so why a Cardiologist?

This is how I finally looked at Mom. If she was stable with a specialist, her meds are working fine, I would ask to go 1x a year. Or, ask Moms PCP if he felt he could take over. Ur Moms back problem, I would have a good talk with her doctor. If there is really nothing more they can do for her, they need to be honest with her. They probably continue to do testing, etc because she wants it. The reality is she is 90 years old and can anything really be done. You need to be upfront and say all these Dr. visits are just too much. If Mom goes under for any of her procedures, it will effect her cognitively. Same with her arthritis.

When my Mom entered LTC, all her doctors stopped. The facility provided a doctor. The only thing her thyroid Dr. requested was labs every six months. If a problem, I would take her back.

I was thinking the same thing but didn't want to post my thoughts on this because I did not want to be rude. When is enough enough? You can't cheat death and frankly 90 is a good run, we should all be so lucky.

My feeling about it is if you need someone else's assistance to accomplish any of these appointments to keep you living longer, it is enough.

I'm in this boat only with my own mom.
Hi all, new to the site but glad to find it.

"I need to get this checked, I need to get that checked," and when she does they'll say, "Yes Mrs. So&So, just like last time we told you to watch your salt intake, not lay in bed so long, and this will improve." But because it's not just going away they're 'not helping' her.

Or if she finds a doctor and doesn't like what she hears, "I gotta find a new doctor he said x,y,z."

She's a frail 90 year old and the other day she told me, "I got to schedule a colonoscopy it's been a while."
No.
No you don't.

When she hears the phrase, "Let's refer you to this specialist," it's like a Christmas gift has been handed to her.

I told her finally that ok, if there is something really bad going on we'll go, but if it's, "I just want to talk to the doctor about...." then it's video visit time. She doesnt' like that and throws a scream down tantrum, but that's that.

I really like the suggestion to do video visits as much as possible. I am going through this now. Recently got my mother through a multilevel neck fusion surgery in a city an hour away. In addition to her surgeon, she hast to see a doctor to treat her osteoporosis in the same location. I notice that Dr. tends to just talk to us and visits mainly. So when they scheduled the last one, I asked them to make it a video call. And that doctor kind of venting to us that she did not like doing those and I thought who cares? For her next one she unfortunately Hass to have bone density testing so I will have to drive her for that one. But I was relieved just to do this one by video call.

My in-laws are also starting to have problems now. My father-in-law’s prostate cancer has returned, and they are gathering information for a plan on that. And my mother-in-law unexpectedly needs surgery, and she was the main one who was driving him because he has poor vision. My husband works a rotating shift work job and I know he’s willing to help more than willing. But I’m not sure how all of this is going to work out. And for us here most of the specialty medical care is an hours drive away.

It is hard. I think your husband needs to step up and his sister. If your husband has plenty of time off in between projects, he really should help.

How many of these apppointments can be covered by teledoc (video appt)?

A few years ago, I was in your shoes with an elderly relative whose son and grandkids could not be bothered. Every month she had an appt. with a renal dr. and it was an ordeal getting her to that appointment. Had to manage wheelchair, oxygen tank, hose, etc. Had to drive across town through a difficult and scary construction zone. Doctor was in a bad part of town and there was NEVER any parking available near the door. All this for the doctor to come in, ask how she was doing, take vitals and say "Ok Mrs. X. Keep watching your sugar and salt intake. We will see you next month!" Then there were countless other doctor appointments weekly.

Wow. Just wow on so many levels.

It's really very nice that you stepped up to the plate and did it for this long. It is time for someone else to participate. If you don't speak up you will continue to get dumped on. Your first discussion is with your husband. You need to explain to him that you are feeling exploited by your MIL, him and his sister. Tell them you did your part and you are done.

MIL needs more assistance. It's past time for an alternate plan. Since she already has mobility issues, AL is the better option now.

Grandma1954
July 26, 2023 7:50 am

WearyJane...
There is a profession that is perfect for this.
Geriatric Care Manager.
The GCM will accompany MIL to her appointments. Make sure that she is safely there and will make note of any changes.
This is not inexpensive but it might be worth it. (obviously MIL pays for this service)
OR
A caregiver can be hired for the times when she needs to go to appointments. The caregiver is there just to make sure she is safe and gets to appointments, the caregiver will not sit in with MIL and her doctor.

Raise your hand if you and your siblings (close relatives-dear friends-concerned beneficiaries LOL) got together and promised each other that “…all we care about is (————-) “ AND that “We’re ALL in this FOR THE LONG HAUL (as long as he/she NEEDS US, no matter HOW HARD THE WORK IS, BECAUSE WE UNDERSTAND HOW HARD THIS MAY BE”.

My “co-caregiver” said it, THEN MOVED 1,000 miles away!! Guess which caregiver did all the work and which caregiver lay in a beach chair on her lanai and wrote emails complaining (with ZERO actual knowledge of circumstances) about MY caregiving skills!

I’m seeing quite a few raised hands out there………!!!

OP, a possible response for you, to any kind of crap comment from anyone (like DH/SIL telling you it’s OK for you to use YOUR time to help their mom):

”I am not interested in your opinion (of how I should use MY time), but if you would like to discuss the weather, I would love to hear your thoughts.”

Wow! I would go insane! I took my mother while she was living with me 4x in 15 months and I thought I would lose my mind. Her medicare plan pays for transportation, I told her call them and arrange for a ride. She's in AL now and has an appointment next month. I reminded her to call for her medicare ride. I also said if you have trouble have your doctor's office arrange for the transportation.

“Their profuse thank-yous aren’t cutting it anymore.”

EXACTLY. At some point, that’s just not OK anymore.

“I am burned out from hers.”

Stop if you want. You DESERVE to get your life back. Just please try to hire some people to replace you. Use her money. Someone else to drive her to appmts.

“Her son, my hubby, will NOT participate, even when he is off work (he works on a project basis.)”

Ridiculous, unacceptable, abusive/exploitative of you, YOUR TIME, and your life.

Of course it’s OK with daughter/son. It’s not THEIR time that’s being used and abused.

"Her son, my hubby, will NOT participate, even when he is off work (he works on a project basis.)"

This right here. Why should you participate when MIL's own son won't?

Start cutting back now. Don't wait for MIL to need AL.