When is it time to give up at home care?

Gosh it is like a big Red Flag, anytime a senior (or their child, or grandchild) says something like "I didn't work my whole life on the family business just to have it all go to a d*mn nursing home. " you have to nip that Irrational Thought right in the bud. And it's going to be like making a left-handed person write with their right hand. This pervasive idea that someone should "work my whole damn life" and then NOT pay for their needs in retirement, is just plain Irrational Thinking. Get ahold of yourselves! --a family business is An Asset. All such assets are to be considered available for USE when there are NEEDS. Your baby needs special orthopedic braces--you sell your diamond ring, so baby can walk better. Your wife has dementia and is crapping on the floor--you sell your family business and place her in a facility which can offer her appropriate CARE. You must TRADE assets for care. THAT is how ALL of Life is. If there can be appropriate in-home care, it will probably cost $300/day and you will need about 6 caregivers (3 who work M-F in 8 hr shifts, 2-3 others who split the weekends and another on-call for vacation/sick times). Pretty soon you find out, as gramma gets worser, it is less expensive to place her in a dementia home at $8,000/month.
PLEASE, get rid of the Irrational Thinking that says "I've worked my hole damn life. ....its not gonna be wasted in nursing home." That is like saying "my baby needs shoes but I'm not gonna pay for it cause I wanna have my cake and eat it too."

Captain's experience notwithstanding, I would never consider doing it myself, and I wouldn't advise anyone else to either. I think you need to have an enormous emotional investment as well as a totally unfettered schedule and lifestyle to be able to take care of a dementia patient, unless you have 24-hour nursing care in the home. It doesn't look like the OP has either the emotional investment in her grandparents-in-law, or the unfettered lifestyle to provide dementia care to her husband's grandmother.

To the OP: If they have assets, the money should be used for their care. If they won't accept care in your home, or if that doesn't work for you, they need to move to a facility. If your husband is ready for them to go, I think you need to let him lead the way in persuading his grandpa that his grandma needs a higher level of care than can be provided in your home.

This is going to be tough. They both need to be in care but at different levels. Many facilities have assisted living and memory care. If gramps is still mentally competent and won't agree then things are difficult. Hubby may need to do some very tough love to get grandma placed. You guys are waaaaaay too young to wreck your lives attempting this level of elder care in your home.

In defense of the original poster, I would not want all my assets going to a nursing home either. My mother is in a nursing home, so I know what this feels like. All her assets went. While it is absolutely true that the rainy day IS what you save for, nursing homes are simply not WORTH the $12,000 a month they cost (in NY). Period. This would be a lot more reasonable and easy to swallow if the accommodations and services were a little more commensurate with the price. And that's putting it mildly. I'm sure if the cost made sense, so many people would not try to hide their money, cry poor, and get on medicaid to pay for a nursing home. Most people would rather pay their own way in life. I know I'm getting a little off topic, so, getting back to the question at hand. Your grandma has reached the point where she needs a nursing home or memory care unit. Thank God that option is available. They know just how to handle this and they are equipped. You are not. No one is, in my opinion. I moved my mother into a nursing home. It broke my heart, but the quality of her life had devolved so. She is much happier now with the structure, activities, 3 meals and snacks she doesn't have to make. She has 2 good friends, and a private room. I feel sad that she had to give up the big beautiful NY apartment she was so proud of, but it had become a tomb. A house of horrors she could no longer fully function in. I was there every day after work. I paid a friend to be there when I couldn't. We tried the home health aide route and that was a total disaster. We had just run out of options. Kind of like it seems that you have now. I would start by visiting different "mixed" communities that have assisted living and NH care in one building. That way both of your grandparents can be accommodated there. All facilities, whether they are nursing homes or assisted living facilities, are required to allow married couples to room together, so a mix facility may be a really good solution. Do your research then call and ask for a tour. While you're there, try to get a feeling for the place. Take note of the way you see the staff treat the residents and whether or not the residents look somewhat happy. Since your grandparents have money, every option is open to them. Good luck, and keep us posted. As an aside, I agree with windyridge that you are way too young for this. I am 7 years older than you are. Newlywed, no kids, and I was too young for this. Not that you don't have the maturity to handle it, but that quite simply, it will consume your life. Literally consume it.

different people on here are going to tell you different things . 1-1/2 yrs after my mothers death from dementia im looking back and seeing that caring for her in her last years and months has been the single most rewarding thing ive ever done in my life . im single so it wasnt a big detraction from other obligations .
i was a lousy soldier , a decent husband , a dedicated father , a d*mn good stone mason , but dementia caregiver is the thing im most proud of . it requires mind bending logic and problem solving skills and incredibly few people are capable of doing it well .
my advice ; consider doing it for yourself and as an example to your kids , hold your head high and do it well ..

Grandma and Grandpa need to be placed in a good care facility. Yes, they will have to pay for it, but that's life. I am older than you and single. I quit my job to care for Mom who has dementia. I cannot imagine a young married person with children doing this. Christine73 said it right "it will literally consume your life". Everything you do will revolve around Grandma and Grandpa and as they grow frailer the less freedom you and your family will have.
It's time for your husband to have a man to man talk with his Grandfather about moving into a care facility. You and your husband have to put your family first. Your first obligation is to them!
Good luck to you. I know it won't be easy, but you have so much to loose if you don't resolve this now.

Actually elders work their whole life so that they would have money for those "rainy days" and moving into assisted living/nursing home is considered a rainy day.

When you still have young children at home, you want them to remember Grandma as the fun loving lady... not a Grandma who is peeing on the floor. As you already realize, her condition will steadily get worse and worse.

Who is running the family farm? Other grown children or relatives? I realize your in-laws don't want to move into an assisted living/nursing home but sometimes they no longer have a vote because of safety concerns. It's going to be a battle, so be ready.

I have a friend who was raised on farms in Iowa. Her mother, who lived and worked on a farm her whole life has dementia and was recently taken from her home and put in an assisted living facility. At first it was ok. She was allowed to have her pet and that made it bearable. But she couldn't remember to clean up after the dog and the smell got bad and so they made her get rid of her little dog. Now she absolutely HATES it. She wants OUT. She wants to come to CA and visit with her daughter (who by the way has her 90 yr old MIL living with her). So, it may be hard and there will be a lot of complaining but like others have said, if it is becoming too hard on YOU and your family you need to do the hard thing. You have children that are going to need YOU for a while to come and using up your health on the grandparents isn't right. If they were in their right minds they wouldn't want you to do it either.

It is a shame that we have these diseases that take our memories before our bodies. I am kinda in the same boat with my dad. He's alone (with the exception of 2 renter on his property) and has dementia. I drive the 90 minutes every weekend to help dad but really it isn't enough. He doesn't want to hire help and so on it goes. I am waiting for "something" to happen that will change things. I wish you well in your tough decisions.

I would like to underscore what Janny57 said. If you have any doubt, I'm living proof that the phrase "using up your health" is 100% literal and accurate. Please take heed. Many of us on this board learned this the hard way and no one wants to see that happen to you.

NatalieP, on my gosh Christine73 above is so right when she posted "using up your health". Before I started doing logistic care [not hands-on under the same roof], I was pretty healthy.... six years later I have aged 20 years and my health is so far down the tubes I probably will never get the back :(

Not only using up your health but also your finances since you quit your job. I found this not long ago which was an eye opener to me. Here are some things to think about if one is trying to decide whether to quit work to care for an aging parent.... on average if a working person quits work he/she will lose, over the years, between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary, it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance; loss of money being put into social security/ Medicare; loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k); profit sharing; etc. [source: in part from Reuters 5/30/12]

Lot to think about.