I don't know I have given up almost everything for my parents and am not doing anything for myself. My husband and I don't go anywhere and this is not fair to him but what am I to do. We live close so I spend the night with the parents for it is not fair for them to move in with us . My husband had rather it be this way. He does get to go but I hardly ever go anywhere for it is easier to stay close than try to go anywhere. It is hard for the other option is the nurseing home as they don't feel conforable with anyone else in the house. If we hired outside help I would have to be there to babvysit I am very weary and tired as my brother lives off and comes in every few months for awhile but I am so tired when he gets here I don't want to do much but just rest. I am glad I have found this site I sometimes feel guilty to complain here but caregiving is hard even when you think it is the thing to do.
Just offering a little assistance that I have had to get involved with now since I am living full time alone with my mom in advanced AD. I had to give in and get help from a wonderful agency (fully funded with moms medicare). The company is Odyssey Hospice and they are WONDERFUL. They are all over the US so you might want to check and see if they are in your area. I feels such relief just knowing mom is being attended to at home with nursing visits and bathing. Just those small chores have taken a load of the pressure off.
Being that I was caregiver for both my parents for over 10 years (they resided in their own home during that time), and then for my mother for an additional 8 years now in my home after my father passed away... I wish I knew the answer to that question... along with how to draw the line without creating a lot of drama and meltdowns from my mother in an attempt to draw that line.
Meemaw, My advice is to juggle your time and emotions as best you can, but when it gets too much you must prioritize your relationships. Your partner/spouse must come first, then your children and then and only then, your parent. I look after my elderly father (82 yo) - when he was 55 his mother-in-law (my Grandma) moved in with my parents and lasted less than 5 months. He said "ENOUGH" and she went off to a nursing home. He had none of us kids living at home, just him and Mom (unlike my Sandwich Generation who have 30-something kids at home) and he prioritized - that is how it is with him now - a take it or leave offer. Tough love worked for us when we were kids in the 60's and it he gets me now. You may have heard to instruction in aeroplanes "....when the oxygen mask comes down fit yours first then help others with theirs." If you are suffocating you are of no value to your parent. Look after you and your family first, then you are in a better position to help others. Hope this helps. Verlaine
My alcoholic, disabled mother-in-law lived with us for 10 years before she died. To do right by my wife, I had to serve my MIL. After we got her to quit drinking (that was fun), helping my MIL helped my wife, which helped my marriage, which helped me. So the more I did for each of them, the more I benefited. It was exhausting work, and I have a bad back, blown knee, three hernias and shoulder pain. But my wife and her mother spent a decade apologizing and forgiving one another for their failings, I learned to watch, facilitate, apologize and forgive right along with them. I paid a lot for the experience, but I got a lot out of it because I made it a priority to do so. If you just look at what you give and what you lose and how bad it all is, you are setting yourself up to lose, suffer and be victimized. Modify how you think about it and you can save yourself years of grief and earn for yourself years of healthy pride, daily celebration, and spiritual growth. Good Luck. God Bless you all.
@ sosad2....It almost always seems to land all on the daughters..even when the daughter/sister also tries to maintain a full time job. Being an only child it was inevitable in my case. I am fortunate in the respect that I was able to take my retirement but it's not what I thought my "golden years" were going to be. I want to keep my mom with me at home as long as possible and as I stated earlier finally gave in to Hospice care. So far so good...albiet the intrusion at times can rattle you. There are so many of us out here it's amazing. I know 4 ladies that I graduated with doing the exact same thing and we have a little circle of "caregivers" on a social media site that lets us gripe, vent, cry and sometimes celebrated little joys. It helps to know we are not alone..Bless you all for what you do.
Wow, this is my exact situation. My mother in law has Alzheimers and my hubby & I have been her fulltime caregiver the past 3 years. I have not slept in my own bed since January. We live 15 minutes away, own our own business & work out of our house so my husband stays mainly at our home & I take care of her. I am only 35 & can feel stressed & like I have no life. I will tell you it is worth it in the end. You do need a break & there need to be boundries but I would not (at this stage) place my mil in a home. We have been interviewing caregivers to come in to help out. We are looking at 4 days caregiver & 3 days us. Are you scared to leave them alone with a caregiver? I just installed a camera yesterday & it is FABULOUS! The caregiver will know it is there. We will slowly acclamate everyone to this new arrangement. I understand your parents dont want help but maybe give them the option. Tell them how you love them but you need help. Say "I can either hire outside help or we will have to go the nursing home route". I applaud you in the care you have been giving. You are doing a wonderful job but as I stated earlier Boundries need to be set & you need a break before you hurt yourself & your marriage. Best of Luck! Feel free to write me anytime. :)
I have been taking care of my parents for the last 3+ years. Every weekend at their home. Then my Mom died July 2009. I continued going over to his home every weekend and worked full time, as well. I have 3 brothers and one sister. The brothers would once in awhile take Dad for a weekend. One brother hasn't been around in years. The other two are married and have a life! I'm divorced and have no life. If I complain to my siblings, I sound like I'm a mytar. If I send out an email to all that I want to make plans for a weekend and need someone to take Dad (he moved in with me 12 mos ago), I don't get a response in a timely manner..then they have plans. I'm so exhausted at times and I know I have lost my temper with my Dad, as he does things without thinkging (85yrs old) and it isn't his fault. I have used caretakers when I was working full time, but I have had bad experience with all of them. Either they steal, lie about their time, talk on the cell phone all day and then do a lousy job of light housekeeping. A couple of them couldn't even work the dishwasher. I'm venting! Thanks
Hats off to you CrystalBrrfly I have helped my parents for many years but just being a full time caregiver last few years meltdowns from caregivers and parents I think seem to be common but sad. Good Luck
There are options that go beyond a nursing home or nothing. Have you examined something called, "assisted living"?. Often you can even move some of your parents; furniture in to make them feel more at home. Some assisted living places have a nursing home along side the other option so that if the time comes it is already taken care of.
My advice is to juggle your time and emotions as best you can, but when it gets too much you must prioritize your relationships. Your partner/spouse must come first, then your children and then and only then, your parent. I look after my elderly father (82 yo) - when he was 55 his mother-in-law (my Grandma) moved in with my parents and lasted less than 5 months. He said "ENOUGH" and she went off to a nursing home. He had none of us kids living at home, just him and Mom (unlike my Sandwich Generation who have 30-something kids at home) and he prioritized - that is how it is with him now - a take it or leave offer. Tough love worked for us when we were kids in the 60's and it he gets me now.
You may have heard to instruction in aeroplanes "....when the oxygen mask comes down fit yours first then help others with theirs." If you are suffocating you are of no value to your parent. Look after you and your family first, then you are in a better position to help others. Hope this helps.
Verlaine
My mother in law has Alzheimers and my hubby & I have been her fulltime caregiver the past 3 years. I have not slept in my own bed since January. We live 15 minutes away, own our own business & work out of our house so my husband stays mainly at our home & I take care of her. I am only 35 & can feel stressed & like I have no life. I will tell you it is worth it in the end. You do need a break & there need to be boundries but I would not (at this stage) place my mil in a home. We have been interviewing caregivers to come in to help out. We are looking at 4 days caregiver & 3 days us. Are you scared to leave them alone with a caregiver? I just installed a camera yesterday & it is FABULOUS! The caregiver will know it is there. We will slowly acclamate everyone to this new arrangement. I understand your parents dont want help but maybe give them the option. Tell them how you love them but you need help. Say "I can either hire outside help or we will have to go the nursing home route". I applaud you in the care you have been giving. You are doing a wonderful job but as I stated earlier Boundries need to be set & you need a break before you hurt yourself & your marriage. Best of Luck! Feel free to write me anytime. :)
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