I am the sole caregiver for my elderly mother. I moved her in with me to a more spacious rental.. not sure if I made the right decision.
My older siblings have not come to see her in over 4 months, will lie and say they're coming or have an excuse - it's too far or lack of money.
I am thousands of dollars in debt, they did not contribute a dime to her move and were not helping to care for her before the move.
My almost 60 year old toxic sister calls and is always upsetting her, making negative implications, complaining about her own problems, trying to make her feel guilty and is always dismissive about her condition (vascular dementia).
Mom gets irritated, emotional and stressed easily. She chooses not to talk on the phone to the family that upsets her. Now I'm being falsely accused of monitoring her phone (and calls), controlling her, etc.
I work full time from home for my employer and full time caring for mom. I get 4 hrs of sleep a night, have chest pains, palpitations, panic attacks on a daily and I have MS.
Her hearing is slowly getting worse.. she says "huh" a lot.. Now I'm being blamed for that.. Mom puts her calls on speaker (which is actually annoying to me) so she can hear.. but the family implies that I want to listen and NOTHING was wrong with her hearing before.
I am not going to try to make mom call heartless, selfish, apathetic, negative family member who upset her.. BUT it upsets me when I am blamed for EVERYTHING, have no life of my own and am burdened financially, mentally, emotionally and physically.
This lease is up in January and I don't feel I can do this beyond that.. Mom doesn't want to be with other family and doesn't want to go in Assisted Living.. I am stuck, don't know what to do.. I can't abandon her but feel like years are being taken off my life ☹️
Your post, and your extensive profile, suggest that your mother is quite with it, even though she gets upset easily (understandably). Perhaps she can help with the trashing from your difficult sister. She can tell sister not to call, and hang up more quickly if she does. She may be able to tell the true story to the people who may believe the lies you think your difficult sister has been spreading, including to your other sister. And if you know that they are lies, and that they are going to continue, you need to try to stop yourself from paying any attention to them.
You say that you are “killing myself to keep my mom alive, safe and healthy”. If you kill yourself, your mother is in even more trouble. You need to look after yourself, for the sake of everyone. You need to be a daughter, not an Emergency Services Worker.
Your mother “doesn't want to go in Assisted Living”. No-one ever does! Every one prefers a slave daughter who loves them. That is no reason why you should kill yourself doing the impossible. Many parents who ‘didn’t want’, find that they really enjoy AL, and many posters find that their parent actually improves with more professional 24 hour care from the team at a Nursing Home. Caring posters don’t “abandon” their parent in a facility, in fact posters often seem to be doing too much and not letting the staff do what they are paid for!
The fact that your care is overwhelming you may be a reason why your not-so-difficult sister in the next county is hesitant about getting involved.
I hope that posters will suggest other options, because you need to look at them. Best wishes, Margaret
You are killing yourself. Plain and simple. Only 4 hours of sleep a night? Stop obsessing on what your nearby sister does and won't do. You can't change her. She doesn't want to be more involved.
The only person you can change is yourself. Right now I'm seeing someone who has serious health issues, yet insists on martyring herself to the "Keep Mommy Happy" cause. We see that a lot on this forum.
What is your mother's financial situation? She only has enough for burial? Could she be Medicaid-eligible? Who is paying for the apartment lease which is up in January? Is she contributing anything at all?
If she is 82-83, how old are you?
Do you think you are able to make the necessary changes to improve your health and life? Or are you going to sacrifice everything for this woman?
It's working a treat! Take back your power!
Those are the choices. Set your boundaries and stick to them.
Don't continue to do this to yourself, this could go on for years, trust me I know, my mother is 97 and still going strong and yes, she is in AL, very happy too, new friends activities and is waited on hand & foot.
You say Mom doesn't want certain things. In all truth it doesn't matter WHAT Mom "wants" as so often in life it doesn't matter for a second what we do or don't want. It is about the facts as they stand today, and about Mom's needs and who is best to fulfill them.
If you are spending your own funds on taking care of your Mother, who is in line to take care of YOU when you need that money? How are you earning money for your own retirement?? I am 80 and my brother died at 85. I can tell you that you need to save a lifetime for yourself to be safe in old age.
You need to have a talk with Mom and let her know you cannot go on and she must now move into care. The sad TRUTH is that Mom has had her life and you have a right to your own. She has a right to the dignity of your honesty.
You may think about choosing counseling. You have painted yourself into quite a corner by moving away from your own life and into your Mom's. Think in terms of a Licensed Social Worker in private practice as they are best at life transitions work.
You needn't abandon your mother, but she shouldn't be living with you, nor you with her. You need not sacrifice your own life for another. Your siblings seem already to know that. Please think about getting help so that you are able to understand that support doesn't mean giving up your life for another. I sure wish you good luck. And that sister on the phone? Tell Mom you don't want an instant replay of whatever nonsense she has to tell anyone that day, that Mom has a right to listen to it, but you don't care to.
I sure wish you the very best of luck.
To summerise the situation:
*Mom needs a full-time caregiver, now.
*Mom's care needs will keep increasing due to VasDem.
*You work full-time.
So to be blunt, unless you can clone yourself & have one of you at work & one at home - you will need MORE help.
This may be a team of aides to continue at home - Plan A.
Or Mom moves into a care setting - Plan B.
Continuing as you are will result in real problems for your health. If you collapse, who will care for Mom then?
Despite how hard & upsetting being blamed is, ignore.
Refocus on what you CAN do to get more help & change the plan to one that works.
You are crashing and burning right now-and probably hanging on to the knowledge that in Jan things may ( and SHOULD) change.
I know of maybe 2 people who went WILLINGLY into assisted living, and they were both VERY unusual women, strong and loving and aware that their care was far beyond what they wanted their families to give them. 2. Out of dozens, at least. No, mom is not going to go 'happily'.
As far as the obnoxious sibs. I get flustered when trying to make my thoughts/feelings understood. My therapist suggested that I write letters (or emails) detailing my feelings. DON'T send the original. Let it sit for a day or two, then rethink it, retool it and mail it.
Be upfront and honest. Short and to the point. Ask for help (full well knowing you likely won't get any!) and then lay out the plans you have to move mom into a place that will be HELPFUL to her, and to you.
EXPECT anger and lack of support, since that's what you have now. BUT, continue on the path of having mom moved.
DON'T expect any help and you won't be hurt when you don't get it.
Please find a counselor to talk to, if possible. You will need a mental health advocate in this. If it's not possible, well, this forum is a great place to dump our anger and pain and you won't be judged. We've all been where you are, or similarly so.
I'd start NOW to look for a place for mom. It can take months. If money is a huge factor, that makes it harder.
You can't change how your family feels. Only how you do. (I know, as trite as that sounds, it really is true.)
YOU deserve a life that is as free from these endless stresses as much as your sibs do. Keep telling yourself that. You are worth it. You're NOT abandoning your mom, you are actually helping her, and while maybe she won't feel that way if she is allowed to help make the decision about the move.
Please, please, please don't let guilt eat you up. You have done far more than most people would.
And please, see you PCP for something for your anxiety. It's a silent killer, and it really does a number on our emotional health.
((Hugs)) you really need them!
MidKid
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