Is taking loved one from assisted living for visits too risky?

Do your parents visit her at the AL? How do they get along? Them visiting her might be a safer approach.

i think taking her out to relive her past and nurture her relationships is imperative . id love to take my aunt out for our country rides but pia is screwing with me right now and im not allowed to take aunt out . doc wants her out occasionally . i hope doc gets behind me eventually .

Yes, my parents went to see her a couple of weeks ago. We were in her room, then went into the family visiting room and visited with her for almost 2 hours. She was very happy to see them and it was a great visit. However, she forgot they were there. I went by a couple of days later and she asked me how my parents were doing as if she had not seen them. I then asked her when she had seen them last and she couldn't recall. Yesterday she told me to tell them they could come and visit her if they were able. I explained they were there a couple of weeks ago, but she couldn't remember it.

I realize I made a big mistake when they went for that visit. I should have taken a photo of us all together in her room and then posted the photo by her bed. Oh well....maybe next time.

I'm going to talk to the resident coordinator about it and get her input. I don't mind taking her places, but I just can't risk her refusing to go back inside the AL. If she does, it will be terrible, because she will have no where to go. I can't stay with her as I help take care of my parents and she can't live alone as she is on meds for diabetes and other health problems, but she can't remember what she did 5 minutes ago.

I wouldn't do this. Often dementia patients say they want to go somewhere or see someone, but they have in their mind the place or person they knew as a much younger person. Then, when faced with reality, they become confused and disoriented. Visit with her, encourage others to visit. Take some photos, old and new, and relive her past that way if possible.

Don't.
My mom has severe dementia. I put her in AL last year. My wife insisted we take her home on weekends and holidays as much as we could. She never considered the AL "Home" after that and she was full of anxiety between visits waiting for us to take her to our house. She drove the AL staff bonkers and like your case, she does not know what day it is or remember anything said for 5 minutes. The AL kicked her out and she lives with me now. Next step is NH

It sounds like my mother is in the same stage. I've never taken mother back home because, in spite of the dementia, she's strong enough to hold her ground and not move and I don't think I could even drag her away. It seems now that she doesn't even remember the last house she lived in anyway.
Certain relatives and family friends come to visit and 10 minutes later she doesn't even remember the visit. But the important thing is that the resident have as much interaction as possible. We encourage EVERYBODY to come visit, so what if she forgets they came, or their name, it's what's in the moment that's important.

I"m going to keep telling her that the off site visits will have to be processed. I explain there are applications, insurance, doctor's, etc, that have to be explored. She doesn't push it. With her memory so poor, I don't think she would even remember an off site visit. Yesterday, she asked me how old she was and when her birthday was. I told her, but she forgot in about 10 minutes. Before I left I wrote it on a note pad that hangs by her bed.

I don't think that many of the other residents go home either. So, I wonder where she gets these ideas of leaving from. I hope the staff isn't suggesting it.

The staff have strict orders to not encourage her to go home or mention her cat. (That had to be returned to the no kill rescue.) But, the housekeeper person was telling her that I could bring the cat there in a carrier for her to visit! I almost lost it. I quickly changed the topic and had the director explain the situation to the housekeeper staff.

You're right, the R.C. will have the info on your Aunt and will have talked to other's who work with her, and be able to give you good advice.

I wish you luck, and God Bless you for including her in your life.

My mom has been living in the same home for 60 years, yet has started asking to "go home". Now I understand what others have suggested in that "home" means something very different than what we think it means.

I once had a staff member mess up in the same way with an issue my mother had. I about had a heart attack. I thought they had better sense. That being said, most of the staff that I've worked with have been excellent and used good sense. There's always a newbie or someone who just doesn't get it.

I'm glad that you have a good understanding about this, Sunnygirl. These ideas of going home or visiting someone will eventually fade and your loved one will move on.

If you take people in that stage of dementia "home" - well, home isn't what they remember and it just opens a can of worms. Generally, it's best to work through it, re-direct, use all of the diversionary tactics possible and things will move forward. Then, um, repeat as necessary.

Take care,
Carol

I am a bit confused with the original question, she is in the assisted living and is only 63 years old--she could live another 20 years. Seems like your parents might have wished to have home health aides for her and kept her at home. Also if your parents are say 20 yrs younger than your loved one in the nursing home, that puts them in their 40's --are they disabled or why would they need your help?? Not clear.
It is good that your parents visited her in the assisted living I would encourage them to visit regularly as it may help with the need to leave the assisted living.

I took a much older (in their 90's) father out of a rehab for trips to dinner and mass (Church in his home parish). However, I did not have any restrictions from the nursing home/rehab as they knew I planned to bring him home once he could walk and make his transitions from bed to chair etc. Even at 90 I thought it premature to place my father in a nursing home if he could be happier at home with home health aides. He kept his mental abilities but needed much help with mobility and an array of health issues.

Good luck, try to manage to balance the time with your parents and the assisted living family member. Others will let you do everything while they sit back and don't inconvenience themselves. Even with memory troubles, the elderly do remember who visits and who does not. More importantly, to insure acceptable to good treatment for the one in the assisted living, the staff needs to know someone is concerned about her well being and will make sure things are done for her. Otherwise, the lady with the mental problems will be written off.

It's essential that the staff of any care facility know that family is involved and concerned. This helps ensure the best care and safety (even in good homes, this is necessary).

It's also necessary even if the person's dementia is so advanced that he or she does not recognize family or remember visits. On some level they know someone cares. We will never truly know how much a person with advanced Alzheimer's understands or remembers so we must stress dignity and love.

In reference to the Lizann's question, younger onset Alzheimer's can happen to people in their 40s, 50s and 60s, so if I understand the original question correctly, age isn't the issue - it's the stage of the disease.

When the home someone remembers is one that no longer exists (but he or she thinks it does) that indicates that cognitively they are in an era that no longer exists. That's the reason for not taking the person back to a home that is no longer the home they remember.

For most elders without dementia, nostalgic trips can be therapeutic and provide entertainment. There's a huge difference between a cognitively healthy elder and someone with dementia.

Great comments and insights from everyone here. You are all amazing.
Carol

Yes, I see now what others are saying about home is not what we think she means. Also, my cousin has not come to visit my parent's house in several years. And prior to that, she would come and stay a short time. If we continue to visit, there is nothign to be gained from coming here.

I'm trying to recruit my bothers and their wives to visit her, even though she won't remember it. She only has one cousin on her dad's side of the family who still shows any concern for her. She sent her a card, but has never followed through on visiting. She is elderly and I sort of understand it.

I contacted the ALF about arranging for another visitor to visit with my cousin during the week. They signed her with a volunteer from the local church who visits with her one day per week. It's sad, because my cousin doesn't remember it.

I just have to accept that she won't recall many visits and focus on the present time, knowing she may not have memories of it. I am going to start taking pictures, so I can post them in her room.

A few weeks ago I brought my mom home for a few hours to visit. I was worried that she would refuse to go back to the nursing home. She also has severe dementia. So I decided to make the decision based on how she was at that moment... since I had taken care of her for the past 11-1/2 years, I felt I knew her well enough to decide. Mom had a wonderful time visiting her home and all of our pets. Some things she didn't remember, but so what. She was so happy and that is by far the most important thing. We brought her back to the NH with no problem. I told her at the beginning that we were just taking her to visit and that she had to go back to the NH... not that she would remember, but somewhere in her subconscious mind, she knew. So... I would definitely base the decision to have her visit at home on your own instincts at that time. Would I do it again? Sure, but not for a long time. I believe their happiness is paramount, even in short increments... the "happy" emotions help the physical body, too. Best of luck and blessings to you!

I have to agree 100% with Matt383. We can't even get my mom out for a car ride; she is in a wheelchair, completely incontinent and physically I do not have the strength to lift her, maneuver her to change her, etc. Neither does my husband. Take into account her physical limitations and YOURS as well. Also take into account her personality. Yes, of course dementia patients have short term memory. But sometimes reliving past stuff close up can backfire.

When I moved my parents 1000+ miles to an AL in my town, the caregivers said don't ever have my parents spend the night (which never crossed my mind as they both had dementia and other physical issues.) Maybe it was because nothing was familiar that I really didn't have trouble getting them back to the AL. Daddy is gone now and Momma can no longer be moved to a car. We push her around the facility and often push her to McDonald's and a local restaurant. This satisfies her. I probably do it more for me than her as she's very fragile, tired and I fear nearing the end. I just want her to have a change of scenary.

Lizann, the woman in the AL facility is a cousin to Sunnygirl's parent. The parents could be quite a bit older than 63.

My mother is 87, has dementia and is also in AL. Her short term memory is probably closer to 15 seconds than 5 minutes. I might go for a visit, leave her apartment to get her some ice cream in the ice cream parlor, and when I return to her apartment about two minutes later, she thinks I have just arrived. My mother needs 24 hour supervision to keep her safe. When she was living independently, she would forget to eat, wear the same clothing for days, forget to take her meds, leave faucets running and just sit in her chair. Thankfully, she never left the stove on because she forgot to cook. In home help would not work unless it was 24 hours per day, which is cost prohibitive. At the going rate of $20 per hour, the care alone would cost over $14,000 per month. Then there would be rent, utilities, food and housekeeping. Her money would be gone in about a year. My mom lives in a beautiful facility with three meals each day, help with meds, dressing, bathing and housekeeping. The most important thing is that she is no longer isolated. She eats her meals at a table with three other ladies, and she goes to activities and entertainment daily. The monthly cost is slightly over $3,000. It appears that Sunnygirl is dealing with the same circumstances, and AL is the best choice in terms of both lifestyle and cost.

Now, about the outings. I take my mother to all of her medical and dental appointments. Even a trip to the doctor causes confusion and stress. All the way there, she asks "Where are we going? Have I been there before? Where is my purse? Did we bring my walker? What street are we on? Whose car is this?" and then the questions are repeated and repeated and repeated. Even after returning to her apartment, she is stressed for the rest of the day. We bring her to my house for holidays and family dinners. She never lived in this house, so it is not "home" to her. Now, after over three years in AL, she usually wants to return to her apartment after just a couple of hours. I think these visits are also stressful for her, but she seems to enjoy herself while she is here, because she gets to see family members who live out of town or who don't visit her often. I have decided that when the stress seems to exceed the enjoyment, the visits will stop. Maybe you could take your cousin for a ride or a trip for ice cream and see how she does. If she gets stressed or very confused, perhaps it would be better not to take her for visits to your parents.

I don't know what to do when my dad passes away. My mom is in long term care for Alzheimers and has not been mobile for 18 months. Should we take her out of the nursing home for my dad's funeral? The doctors and staff have told me before that this wreaks havoc on the patient and they are confused and full of anxiety. Help

These are all valuable points. This is the worst disease for families to live with. I would suggest that you seek some support group help and also, read up on how to deal with the guilt associated with caring for an aging parent. You might find out more information that will hep as the disease progresses as well. Remember to look after yourself.

When people affected by dementia ask to take them "home", they do not really mean geographic location. That is most likely they feel so very confused and "misplaced" that they are looking for the comfort they experienced long time ago, before they were diagnosed, maybe even in the childhood. Dementia patients are looking for a "peace", not for some illusive room. The best place we all remember is our childhood when we felt protected, nurtured, loved. Can you take your loved one there? So, do your best not to argue and not to go into any complicated explanations. Do not tell them they do not know what they want. Do not remind them you had this conversation before.... Just say something comforting/soothing, but leave that door open.
Tell them they will go there soon. Which is true.

I also want to point out that "visiting cat" is actually great idea! Animals really make dementia patients feel good.

My Mother has dementia she is in an AL memory care unit. I took her out the other day for an ice cream cone, she loves ice cream.... I did not have any trouble however she did not recognize where she was... This is so sad and SO hard to watch...

What is a typical hourly pay for someone to stay all night and help with toileting in the Minneapolis area?

I recently had to pay someone to stay with my Mom overnight for about 10 days, It got very expensive... Most nursing homes in our area will do respite care for as long as 2 wks and medicare will pay for it, I would try that. If indeed you are going to hire someone I would say you are going to pay between $10 and $20 an hour. take care...

Sunny if you have any serious concerns - not just about her refusing to return, but more general ones about her wellbeing - then don't take her. Better safe than sorry. On the other hand, don't worry about her not being able to recall her visitors even a short time afterwards: it's still worth doing, and she is still benefiting from that kind of attention even if the finer points seem to have escaped her!

Why are you so keen on getting her out and about? Just because she is asking, or are you concerned that she's not getting enough stimulation in her residence? By all means talk to the staff about it, it's a good idea to see yourself as part of her overall care team.

I love Carol's advice - redirect, reassure, move on to another topic. My Mom is moving to an assisted living facility this week and the stress is gigantic. Not for her but for me. She forgets in 5 minutes but I know what is going on. I know she is going to want to go "home" for maybe 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years - it is such a common mantra for the person with dementia. It has already started about how she has to call "those" people (the assisted living faciltiy) to cancel her apartment. I just change the topic of conversation. It is really hard but I have a lot of very bright, empathetic people on this site to ask for advice and they always come thru. So no I would not take her "home" since that does not exist except in her mind. Keep the visits as positive as you can - good luck.

All of your comments and suggestions are well timed, I am worried and concerned about taking my husband out for a drive and lunch, also there is a specialists appointment coming up in less than 3 weeks. He has been in care for just over a month and most visits with him are all around him getting out of there, constantly, it does not matter what I bring him as in treats, dark chocolate even did not get a smile out of him, now just yesterday he was great, not even once did he mention escaping…it felt good to be with him, he was even a little playful which was so nice to see. I agree in not risking bringing him home, but maybe lunch out in our neighbourhood might be a good first try…thanks for this wonderful column, great topics and comments, really enjoy it, so good to hear others experiences.

I have read your question, and have not looked at how other people have answered. What I would do is go somewhere but nowhere near home. It is in my opinion too risky to bring up old memories. Why go through the pain? I have been in the same situation with my mother, and if we even drive on the street where the home is, then she becomes agitated.

That being said however, every person is different, so just go by your own gut feeling.

I think a trip for ice cream or something would be a very good first start.

my dad moved to AL on 7/7. He has moderate dementia. I took him out just Saturday to run errands with me and lunch it was fine. I am sure that will change.

My Mom has been in a nursing home now for almost five months now. Previous to that we went through six weeks in hospital where she nearly passed away,six weeks in a rehab facility where she was supposed to get strong but refused to leave her bed and then one month of home health care where her condition went down hell fast.

I went to visit her yesterday at the N H and found out she has no recollection of that three months. None at all. She doesn't even think she is in a nursing home. She told me yesterday that they hadn't fed her for two days which she truly believes. She believes my one sister has never visited her which is not true. I found this visit so discouraging. While I know that the visits and so on are important to her I have come to the realization that I am doing all this mostly for myself cause the guilt I feel when I think about not visiting is too strong. My mom on the other hand probably wouldn't even notice if I didn't visit for a while. My siblings have tried to get it across to me that I need to move on and let my Mom be but the guilt just eats me up inside.

I used to think once my Mom was settled in a facility that I would stop worrying myself to death about her and just breath easy about things but I don't think now that I will ever be able to do this and yesterdays visit really saddened me a lot for some reason. Seeing the faces of the other residents when I walk out of the place knowing that some of them never get a visit from a loved one even makes me feel guilty. How do I get past this? Does anyone out there know anything that makes this easier?