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My mother is 101, and has Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism, both for her life time, and, in recent years, increasing paranoia. She is well situated in an ALF. This summer, after some troublesome events, her lawyer activated the EPA (enduring Power of Attorney) and PD (Personal Directive) on which I am named as mother's agent. Mother's paranoia has focussed on the ALF staff thinking that they steal things from her, over charge her etc. and now it apparently has extended to her bank. Everything that mother has said was stolen has been found by the ALF staff in her unit. I live 5 hrs. drive away and am 76 myself. My sister, who is a year older than me has never been helpful. I have always been the one asked to do things - right from our 20s.I moved mother from her apartment 4 years ago to the ALF of her choice. That lasted 6 months, when there was in incident with a staff member. They did not handle it well, neither did mother (no surprise) so mother was moved to another ALF of her choice - the one she is in now. The staff in this ALF have been nothing but professional, kind, concerned for mother's best interests, and although she has caused them some problems, they are willing to work with the situation. She has been there for over 3 years now. I am very impressed with them. Her case manager recommends that mother stay where she is, as the alternatives are not as good. It is reasonably expensive, but mother's financial manager has assured me that mother has enough money to last another 8 years clearly, and more. Due to her paranoia, mother wants to move to another ALF, which, incidentally is cheaper, though that is not mother's reason for wanting to move. She calls the staff where she is "thieves". My sis has similar mental problems to my mother and always has. A psychiatrist who saw all of us years ago pronounced me normal. my mother mentally ill, and then said he was more concerned about my sister. He had gone to see them after seeing me and they threw him out after 10 minutes,
After the fiasco of last summer, mother had settled down and was content to stay where she was. As long as she takes the antipsychotic drugs, her life is manageable. Then her behaviour started changing for the worse after my sis, (who lives in Scotland) planned a trip over. I went down to visit mother end of October and she refused to see me or to answer my phone calls. The purpose of my trip was to obtain info regarding her insurances, pension people etc and get her business mail redirected to me. She is still very bright, according to the drs. borderline competent. I work to get her agreement in these things before I do them and I had her agreement to take over her business mail. My sis planned a trip over here for the end of November without consulting me regarding dates then she and mother were mad at me for not being available. At the last minute, one of my plans fell through so I called mother that I was available and she refused to see me again. That was followed by an abusive phone call from my sister who claims that I have not been doing my job as EPA etc. I should mention that when I first moved mother my sister was visiting and literally did not lift a finger to help with the move, but sat and watched us work, and went home with the most expensive piece of mother's collectibles. The next day I had 9 phone calls, which I did not answer - each voice mail crazier than the next and begging me to come down and move furniture??? I contacted the ALF staff and mother's case manager who told me that my sister has been judgemental, demanding, and critical with them. She is trying to get mother into a cheaper ALF for which mother does not qualify, as it is for people with more disabilities than mother has, and has demanded that the case manager make an assessment that will get mother in there. It is not going to happen. All this after I told my sister that my decision as mother's agent was to keep her where she is. Where ever mother is she will bring her problems with her. In my mind keeping her where she is where the staff are good and working to get her back on meds is the only answer. Sis recognises that mother will be unhappy where ever she is. Mother’s case manager has called the mental health nurse to evaluate mother and possibly admit her to a psych ward for stabilization and treatment. The staff all see that mother has regressed since my sister’s visit. Sis has returned home and will be back probably within the month to move mother. Although she cannot move her to the place she is trying to, there are other places she could move mother. I have told the ALF not to accept any termination of lease there without my approval. That will not stop my sis from moving mother if she can. I suspect that I need to ask mother’s lawyer to send my sister notice that she does not have the authority to move mother. I am Canadian and we do not resort to using lawyers quickly, and am looking for any ideas of how to deal wi

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Resort to using the lawyer. I would not call this "quickly."

I am so sorry that you are having this problem. Your mother is not concerned about the cost of care center -- is your sister? Is her goal to preserve money for inheritance?
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Thanks V. Actually I have unwittingly stopped the planned move for now as the ALF director where mother wants to go will not entertain an application if family members disagree. As you say if (when) mother gets assessed as incompetent I have the authority to decide where she lives. Until then I do not. Her ALF staff are tracking her and will bring in a physician when they are ready for an assessment. There is an 8 month wait list for the ALF she wants to go to, in any case. So, unless mother and sis find a new place with a very short waitlist, she is stuck where she is for now for some months, by the end of which time the assessment should be done. If she moves before that, so be it - nothing I can do.

What I am doing now is gathering information about the new ALF or any other to share with family and her, things like the lack of a nurse on the floor where she would be. Not exactly endangering to herself, perhaps, but an unwise decision.

Once I have done that, I will step back and let the chips fall where they may. I have done what I can. After one more email I should get the info I need, then I will email the family and send a letter to mother. That is all I can do.

The chest congestion is unusual. I have never had bronchitis or pneumonia. The IBS is definitely triggered by stress, It is a hangover from a condition that I have been dealing with for the last 4-5 years and from which I have nearly recovered, despite all the mother stress, (which has been worse in the last 4-5 years), so it is a temporary setback. I do look after myself. The last few days were particularly stressful as I was dealing with some past pain, which I shared with my counsellor. I had never shared it with anyone. It was the only experience that I had not shared and it stirred up feelings.

I am planning some escapes. We hope/plan to do a cruise in February. G says I will get 3-5 days notice so be prepared! I may go for a massage before Christmas - looking better all the time. Christmas plans are falling into place and dinner theatre again for New Years. Dental surgery and touch up of my permanent make up (I have eyebrows in the mornings now - woo hoo) in January. So I do not neglect myself. The family has a touchy gut. I am not exempt.

Sis will do what mother wants and believe what mother says, so she is unstable.
Here EPA and PD are taken very seriously. I have a responsibility to get mother assessed if I feel she is incompetent. It is not just a matter of waiting till it happens That is in motion. I cannot drop EPA/PD if I wish. I would have to go to court and be released - which is not automatic. I am setting up resources to back me up should I feel that is necessary, and also covering my butt, Anyone can go to the courts and complain if they feel I am not doing my job.

I appreciate what you have written. I need to pick up my annual bottle of sherry. ;)

Just had a call from mothers financial advisor who has been like a family member for 15 years now. He supports what I am doing and says he sees that mother is deteriorating. Nice to have allies! :)

Thanks all - the support is invaluable. (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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I just read the other messages that come in and, learning more about your sister's history, agree with them. You need a big gun on your side to keep your sister from doing anything crazy.
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Isn't this injunction territory? Armed with an injunction, the current NH staff could prevent your mother from leaving the premises in your sister's custody, couldn't they? Heaven knows how you get one or how much it'd cost - or your lawyer would, I guess. It's either that or arrange for Icelandic volcanoes to start erupting again so your sister can't fly over (unless she's got a broomstick…)
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bust her over the head with about a 3-1/2 inch hunk of firewood. emjo, you understand firewood and dominance, this shouldent be necessary.
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Emjo you are doing a fantastic job try not to let it stress you out too much.

Capt what happened to hitting people over the head with a 2x4. Us old ladies have a hard job lifting a log of firewood. we don't spend our day breaking rock. Changing diapers is more our speed !
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Emjo,
You have some conditions that are exacerbated by stress, you can not take care of some one else and neglect yourself, it just does not work that way.
Your situation is like the boy with his finger in the hole in the dam.
You do not have the power to stop mother moving. You know you can't stand in the doorway of her room while some 200lb man brushes you aside as he carries out her bed. Mom and sis will get around you one way or the other so you have to let it happen. I would say don't give up your POA because it will come back on you anyway when it all falls apart. Your sister can't manage it from the UK and she sounds as unstable as Mom so will act unpredictably. Take care of yourself for now and let Mom get on with it and when the time comes and she is declared incompetent do what you feel is in her best interests whether she likes it or not. As long as she can not be self destructive with her money stay out of it for now. As long as there is no danger of her harming others by her actions ie with a gun or car she has to be left alone. It's hard for you but you must keep strong. Many hugs and sips of sherry.
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Watch that bottle of sherry Country Mouse has her eye on it
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hi cm - yes 101 and still socking to me and the world in general.

Sherry is on the shopping list.I may need two bottles this year lol.

There is no way to administer drugs covertly.

Mother has always been against any drug that would affect her mood/mental processes, as, after all, she does not have any problems, it is everyone else. Agreeing to taking such a drug would be admitting that she has problems, and that may be beyond her capabilities. There is nothing rational about this, nor has there ever been.

How - I am a very patient person by nature and have a long tether. I look ahead, set goals and work towards them, expecting difficulties along the way and looking for solutions to those difficulties. It is a problem-solving approach which I see my oldest son, at least, has too.

Why - because I think it is the right thing to do. I do care for my mother and have some compassion for her, even just as another human being. If the point comes where I feel the detriment to me outweighs the benefit to her, I will do what I can to get out of it.
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HI Veronica - this is a little later than the next day. It has taken me this long to get over my “mad’ at the psych nurse. Professionals could learn a lot if they listened to the right people. There was nothing normal about mother’s upset and anger. I heard about the other side of the phone call, and it was her financial advisor, being helpful, but mother took it as an attack and responded accordingly, threatening to end their friendship if he didn’t agree with her. The only benefit of mother being declared incompetent is that I can make the decision to keep her where she is now, rather than having her move. Everything I hear points to her present ALF as being the best place for her, and the one she has chosen to move to as not as good. Part of me wants to say –go ahead and move where you want to, but I can’t, as I don’t think it is a good move for her. She would have to get a lot worse before she would be placed in a mental health facility. Her case manager has mentioned that that is the next step if she continues to decline. I think she would have to be a danger to herself or to others for that to happen – a physical danger that is. Once in there, they might be able to insist on medication.
Thank you for seeing that my only concern is for her welfare. If only she could see that –even once in a while. Yes, it has clouded my whole life and is a sacrifice. Truthfully, I think if I hadn’t cared she would have found someone else – not to care for her, but to do the things she needed to be done, Does she even know I care – it is hard to say. I would say yes, or she would not have moved to be near me, I think on some level her life has been positively impacted by me, but I do not receive that feedback from her. Right now things are quiet and I am thankful.
As I age, I have to consider my needs more and more. It is a matter of survival and quality of life. I did a longevity test mentioned elsewhere on this site and I scored 102. I would rather the years ahead be as good quality as I can make them, and for that to happen I have to manage stress in my life. My father used to use the phrase “Don’t try to teach your grandmother how to suck eggs.” That took me back a bit. He died over 30 years ago. The upside of mother being declared competent is that she can appoint another person for EPA and PD. I am going to contact her lawyer about that and see if it means I could be released easier. I think and have thought for some time that a professional, non- family member would be the best person –and someone who gets paid for their work. I know the feeling of needing to be cared for too – sometimes I wish others would see it more often.
Thanks again and have Merry Christmas!
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