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Friends---


I have been on the wonderful site for several years and have received (and I hope also given!) a lot of support.


My own battle begins tomorrow in earnest as I begin a 6 round chemotherapy for my lymphoma.


It's been just over a month since I found 'the lump' that sent me reeling into the Cancer Center here--I've had tests that only the clueless would agree to--and tomorrow, the die will be cast.


R-CHOP, as it is called. 1 day of infusion (the 1st is bad, so I hear) as they introduce, one by one the poisons and then dial back until I can stand it, then another one--well, I don't care too much about the mechanics--I just want the time to fly.


If all goes well and I tolerate the infusions, they make the time between then slightly shorter, so I could be done as early as Sept 1st--or who knows when, if I don't tolerate it well.


Too much time spent on the internet---people say it's the worse thing they've ever done, a lot say they scheduled infusions for Friday so they could be back at work on Monday.


And I WILL lose my hair. Oh well. I hope it grows in pure white and curly.


Dh is going to attempt to be my caregiver---but has already said he cannot stay with me tomorrow (8 hrs)...as I get the first infusion. Maybe that's for the best. He's really struggled with this--he is not a natural CG and tends to just go to bed and leave me to my own devices.


Just need words of support now this thing is real. I will be honest on this board as I might not be around others: I am absolutely terrified beyond reason.


I hope and pray I can be brave and that the IV's go in easily--and that any and all barfing makes it into the appropriate place (not DH's leather interior of his car!) I hope I can have enough 'good days' to out weigh the bad ones.


Funny, I don't worry about a cure, because we caught this so early---but that would be nice, too.


This has humbled me a lot--we always wonder why things happen to us and I am still trying to figure that out. Probably no rhyme or reason--stuff happens because we live and this is part of life.


I thank you in advance, I am already so loaded with different drugs my cognitive reasoning is not the best.


Just prayers, please and good thoughts.

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Midkid, I'm thinking of you and hoping that you begin feeling better here really soon! I know that you have some f/u tests coming up, and I pray that your cancer is now in remission, and there is no more treatments necessary.

I have little experience with cancer/chemo in our family, except for my own Mom who had uterine cancer, but after her radical hysterectomy was done, only the radiation therapy was recommended, and even that was pretty gruelling, treatment 7 days a week for 8 weeks, so I sure hope you get to avoid that!

I personally felt that you have done your treatment with strength, and grace and have kept your sense of humor throughout, I doubt that I could have held up as well as you have, so good going!

Now is the time to really take care of yourself and begin rebuilding your strength. Let the kids do the decorating and cooking, and you kick back, relax, and do all your Christmas shopping online. I've even seen some really cute gift wrapping bags, and all you do is put the present in it and pull the strings, and Waalaa, all done, it is definitely the way I'm wrapping from now on, you can order them on the shopping channels or probably from Amazon too!

Anyhoo you take care and know that I am hoping for all good things to come your way in the next few weeks and months, so that you are ready to start that new job in thge New Year! Take Care and Happy Holidays! Stacey B
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You’re always in my prayers, MidKid. Hugs!
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Still feeling really, really sick. Then trip to VA was unadvisedly early, and though we did enjoy the kids, I was far too sick to 'do' anything with them. They didn't care, they were just happy that Nonny was there. I was so glad to get home and leave DH behind at a jobsite. (He's trying to go off his AD's again, and I catch him out on it every time--he gets SO CRANKY and mean when off them. Grr)

Still not much energy, I get ONE 'thing' done per day--so I've done some Christmas shopping and whether or not I go to WA to Thanksgiving is still up in the air. This family has seen me once since my chemo, and I was wearing my wig and had eyebrows, so I didn't 'look sick'. Now, with no hair at all, I look blank and a little scary.

My DIL texted and asked what I wanted to do while we're up there, but I don't have the stamina to walk long distances, nor to even stay awake all day. Food all tastes terrible and I am afraid of my son picking 'fights'. He and his DH LOVE to get into political rantings and I cannot bear them. I told DIL EXACTLY what s/e's I have and will have for few more weeks and she was horrified. (She's a dr., so I don't know if she slept through oncology, but she knows NOTHING about it). For the most part I have taken care of myself and our home with a minimum of outside help. Dh refuses to cook anything but fried eggs, so I have to still cook. He's been a jerk and he knows it, but he's way too manly to admit that he's blown it. Our dear neighbor have done 90% of the 'caring'. How my DH can lie in bed at 11 am on Sat and hear our 77 yo neighbor mowing our lawn and not feel the least bit of embarrassment is beyond me. His sweet wife has brought dinner in 3-4 times a week since about month 3 when I really crashed. She is a true angel on this earth!

I won't make the final decision and I won't for another 10 days. Honestly, I think I am overthinking this. They probably truly don't care if I come or not.

Well--dinner is done, gotta wake up DH and feed him.
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Mid,

When do you find out if you need radiation or not? You say the test is in a month but how long do you wait after test is done to get results back?

That’s going to weigh on your mind but as soon as that is out of the way, plan something just for you! Something really fun! Or just time to relax.

Can you disappear for a short time? Tell us your bucket list.
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Yaaaaay!!!! Done!. And YES to meds for bone marrow biopsy. Even if you have to pay for it out of pocket. Would never have one without meds.
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Such good news! Now, your cyber cheerleaders are going to coach you on the concept of "babying" yourself, especially with the holidays coming soon. That means you make a list of all the Thanksgiving foods, email it to the family and ask people to sign up for their dishes which INCLUDE the turkey. All you do is get beverages and enjoy. Offload everything you usually make. Same for Christmas - offload.
Babying means massages for your weary muscles. It means shipping ironing to the laundry. It means using "I couldn't possibly do that" to jettison troublesome things. It means disengaging quickly from toxic conversations. And it means being very careful to keep low key even after your strength starts to return -- you still will only have a small amount of physical and emotional ergs in you.
As for your mom --- that's a toughie, truly accepting her emotional detachment. But you'll get there -- some people aren't able to love unconditionally, some are unable to even like. It is what it is.
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That was really good news!
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You have been in my prayers regularly. You are a kindred spirit and I don't care one bit that it's only been a cyber relationship.

May the good Lord bless and keep you
Whether near or far away
May you find that long awaited golden day today
May your troubles all be small ones
And your fortune ten times ten
May the good Lord bless and keep you
'Til we meet again
May you walk with sunlight shining
And a bluebird in every tree
May there be a silver lining
Back of every cloud you see
Fill your dreams with sweet tomorrows
Never mind what might have been
May the good Lord bless and keep you
'Til we meet again

Your cyber-sister,
NYDIL
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
NY,

Love your posts. I smile when I read them 😊
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You did good, Midkid!
A celebration is in order!
What does that look like for you?

Okay, just passing this on. There is a way to discontinue contact with friends, relatives etc. who are toxic towards you. Become more and more unavailable.
Do not announce that you are cutting ties. When they call, answer only intermittently. When you do answer, use techniques such as "gotta go, someone is at the door". Or, this is not a good time, etc. Not even a Christmas card. They will likely give up after awhile. And you will heal, feel stronger, and more in control of your life.

Still, prayers as you heal.....completely heal.
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If the bone marrow test is anything like a spinal tap be sure to ask for the right medications for possible pain. I did have a spinal tap which didn't seem bad but the after effects were.
You have offered so much here to so many and with such validity. I would focus on those who support you the most. You have alot to choose from within your family. Some mothers are that in name only as witnessed by so many here. I am glad you have faith and strength to guide you along this path.
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MidKid,

I am so glad everything went as well as it could. Of course this experience changed you forever. No one could possibly know how life changing this situation is unless they have been through it themselves.

I hope and pray this is your last go round of this crap.

I hope your kids nor anyone else adds unnecessary stress to your life so you can heal in peace. You deserve all the peace in the world. Hugs!
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Last chemo went well. Peaceful and calm (DH didn't show up until the very end) had a good talk with the doc. I still have to have a PetScan in a month and another Bone Marrow biopsy (yuck, oh yuck oh owie). Then we will decide if radiation is needed or not.

Then---just healing. He said to take to the end of the year and really baby myself as I am still really 'sick' but will start to feel better in a few weeks and then slowly come back to my 'new norm'.

Gotta get the kids on board with not stressing me out. Gotta accept that my mother truly doesn't care about me and also need to gently let go of some toxic people in my life, inclusive of some relatives.

Thanks to all the kind souls who took this journey with me in cyberspace. I felt the prayers and good thoughts and kindness.

This whole ride has changed me forever. I've yet to figure out why I went through this and why it happened and what to do from now on. I know not to waste precious time and energy on people who simply don't care. But to still love them. It will be challenging, for sure!

XO
Liz
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AlvaDeer Oct 2019
Midkid, I don't know what they put in that soup they fed you into your veins, but your thinking and your humor are nothing but better than ever. As to the bone marrow, I won't take any tests without premed. I find that they care a whole lot about that silly 1-10 scale after they cut you apart, but very little when they do very painful tests. Tell them you want pre med and have someone there to take you home after. I had 50 of demerol before a test and I didn't care WHAT they did to me! Good luck. Your journey has been epic warrior in style. Many of us think of you often.
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When you book your flight, ask if you can purchase "travel insurance" if you need to delay your dates. Tell them the reason, they may even give you a better rate. Oh, and ask about early check in and early boarding, so you don't have to wait in long lines. Be truthful.

And I will give you a discount on this therapy session too :)
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Midkid58 Oct 2019
Bought the tickets 2 months ago--they were super cheap, and so no travel insurance offered. If we bail, we're only out $400. I'm not going to sweat it.

Dh has said he will call son and explain to him the situation--how thoughtless he was to dump this incredibly painful knowledge on me--as I am SO SICK...he'd been reading & studying about anti-church stuff for almost a YEAR and came to conclusion he and his family can't stay in the church--OK, 2 of my other kids have done the same thing, one to a much lesser degree--but still. To spend all their lives teaching and believing and the having them toss it aside has been hard. Of course I still love them--it's just that, what took him a YEAR to decide--he dumps on me and expects I'll be all "glory, hallelujah!" in 15 minutes.

Yes, I will be fine and in the long run, what matters is that we all love each other, but he cannot demand me to immediately feel what he feels. And he does it by shouting at you until the hair on your arms is standing up. (Yes, he's a lawyer).
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Thanks, guys.

I have never in my adult life--shoot even as a kid, have I put my wants or needs first. It has been SO out of my 'wheelhouse'..that I actually feel guilty over stuff that has NOTHING To do with me.

Already have a call in to the therapist. She's not on my insurance, so I'm $120 out of pocket every visit. I think I need a boost in my self esteem and for her to remind my that I'm valuable.

The trip to WA? On the back burner. Dh can do what he wants, but if I feel uncomfortable or even sick (it's only 4-1/2 weeks away)...I simply will not go.

The tickets only cost $215. My gosh, how many times have I wandered into Costco for a rotisserie chicken and TP and walked out with $400 worth of...?


All in the perspective!

Yard guy showed up and did a great job. Wants more work, so I may see if DH will hire him for Saturday and they can clean the garage. No way I can do that, which I usually do.

Just gotta get through one more day. in 24 hrs I will be DONE paying to be poisoned!
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499HopeFloats Oct 2019
You are valuable. You do matter.

You can just put my check in the mail;) How is that for some humor? ((Hugs))
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Mid, wrong is relative in this situation. For once in your (as in all you all) lives, you are only to look at what is best for you. You get to take a break from thinking about everyone else's feelings, actions, and all the usual mom stuff. If you truly don't feel WA trip will feed your spirit, comfort and help you, but will sap what little precious emotional energy you have, stay home and let them deal with it. It's really ok to "Scarlett O'Hara" heavy discussions. Sort of like Marie Kondo-ing your relationships.... and I agree your sense of humor is still there.
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Midkid, my prayers and best wishes are with you,, I can only imagine how hard this has been for you. The house will wait.. paper plates are a great idea, and maybe a once off on a house cleaner? Then you can focus on healing,,the end is in sight and you will prevail!
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Midkid58 Oct 2019
My girls 'gifted me' a deep cleaning house clear back in May--for whenever. I opted to save it for around Thanksgiving. That way I will have a super clean house for the holidays.

Girls have been haranguing me to use this gift, but I've been able to keep stuff clean enough on my own.
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The sun will come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
There'll be Sun.

The hair will grow back
Tomorrow
Tomorrow
Tomorrow
There'll be hair
And Sun
And fun.

The sun'll come out 
Tomorrow 
Bet your bottom dollar 
That tomorrow 
There'll be sun! 

Just thinkin' about 
Tomorrow 
Clears away the cobwebs, 
And the sorrow 
'Til there's none! 

When I'm stuck with a day 
That's gray, 
And lonely, 
I just stick out my chin 
And Grin, 
And Say, 
Oh 

The sun'll come out 
Tomorrow 
So ya gotta hang on 
'til tomorrow 
Come what may 

Tomorrow! 
Tomorrow! 
I love ya 
Tomorrow! 
You're always 
A day 
A way!

Come what may!
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BarbBrooklyn Oct 2019
Brilliant!
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You always have my prayers. Of course this is terrifying for you. Anyone who says otherwise is not normal. Even those who come through on the other end and achieve remission never forget the anxiety of going through their treatments.

Thank you for sharing all that you have. It’s important for people to understand what a heavy load you are carrying. We learn from other people’s experiences.

I agree that not everyone is not a natural born caregiver. I love that you are not sweating the small stuff like the lawn.

I am wishing the very best for you today and always. Please let us know how you are doing when you feel like talking.

Mid, I am so looking forward to hearing you say that you have plans other them chemo treatments. It doesn’t matter it is simply watching a great movie on television, going out to dinner or taking a cruise somewhere! That day will come and your chemo days will be over.
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I am praying for you, Midkid. I, for one, think your sense of humor is alive and well!
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Tomorrow is the last chemo----I should be so happy to be typing that--but the truth is..I bottomed out 100%a couple weeks ago and there is no joy in Mudville.

Just need to get through this--and keep telling myself that each day from tomorrow on will mean I am getting better and better.

I think when my hair starts coming back, that will mean a lot. I have truly missed it! And my eyelashes!!

I can't change airline tickets without paying a huge fee--so I have to go to WA..unless I am just too sick to go, in which case, it's cheaper to simply 'lose' the cost of the ticket. Still on the fence about that. IF son doesn't promise to not pick fights with me and his dad--we will bow out. It's a chance for family to heal...but my son is a little bulldog and only 'loving' towards his wifey and then the kids.

Every infusion has dragged me farther and farther down--I realize that I was horribly mis-informed about the s/e of chemo and the incredible length of time it will take to be 'me' again. I know they want you to be prepared, but I was NOT prepared for so many things---I am hoping that my sense of humor returns. The other day my DH said "I haven't seen you smile or heard you laugh in months". I just replied "If you felt as gross as I do, you'd stay in bed. I HAVE to stay up and doing things. I can't give in." No response. He just has not handled this well at all.

Please--for the last time :) I ask for your prayers and support. In about 24 hrs I will be done.

Thank you to all who have showed kindness and love. My own family (extended) has been a huge let down and I am depressed about that too. Hopefully my generally upbeat personality will return--some people never beat the depression.

Thanks Bella--I did truly enjoy my lunch out. Enjoying this dear friend of 65 years..back in my life since she found out I had cancer. I am blessed by a very few people, that's for sure.

Supposedly someone is coming to clean out my small yard today, but it's a kid I have hired before and he is pretty unreliable. That's the least of my worries.
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pamzimmrrt Oct 2019
Well, at this point even unreliable yard help is better than no yard help,, so just be glad someone is doing something and forget about it! No matter what he does, its more than letting it go. And I am so glad you enjoyed your lunch out!
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Hugs Midkid! Enjoy your day out for lunch, hope your feeling better!!
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Your kids care about you... Don't question that. they love you.
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The house will be there, don't worry about "cleaning the whole house.It can wait... Seriously... Okay the bath, and kitchen sink... get those dishes done, and then swap out for paper plates for a while... Heal.... If anyone complains about the house... hand them a sponge, cleaner and a paper towel, dust pan, and tell them to get cracking on it... The large trash cans are outside...Just heal...

If you don't feel like traveling now,,,,THEN DON'T... SURE YOUR LO WILL UNDERSTAND... And if they don't, I hope they will soon learn to understand...

You first... Have them come to you, and they can help clean your home :)

Don't come to my house, you'll never find the front door....I will get to it..A room at a time...maybe, if I can remember where to start.
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Yesterday before mass I burned a candle and said a prayer for you MidKid, also cwille and everyone else struggling on the forum dealing with physical or emotional issues. People have been here for me and I so appreciate it. Some of us have been saddled with personal illnesses or tough family issues.

My therapist once told me to make my own family because we don’t get to choose our biological family. I have done that.

I suppose many have done that. I consider this forum to be part of my family unit. Hugs for everyone!
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Hey if it makes it better, just barf in the leather interior... I had a friend in HS who was laughing so hard... SHE PEED in my car... Thank God all I had was my homework, and other useless papers in it... Never seen someone laugh so hard... especially in my car... :-/

Barfing is not so fun, but hey, if you have to, you have to...geez. Put a smile on your face, think of something fun or funny, get through this, and know, you will get through this.

as MIL would say: This too shall Pass.

Cognitive reasoning is not the best?? your tactile typing is good. Rhyme or reason is sometimes out of the equation... Sometimes, it just not make sense. period. A lot of times, it seems that way....

Prayers are with you, all the way.
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Midkid58 Oct 2019
Thanks MayDay--

Our moms are cut from the same cloth. I needed glasses and probably went 2 years until the school 'caught' my mom and insisted I get glasses. She was furious with me.

Going to lunch tomorrow with a dear friend and then Wednesday is frantic 'clean the whole house' b/c I spend about 5 days down in bed.

Infusions have gotten worse and worse. I'm, scheduled to visit my kids in VA and WA, and I don't think I'm going to have the energy to go to VA. I don't really want to go to WA at all.

No matter what I decide it will be 'wrong' and that's just stinks.

But I sure do appreciate the prayers.
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Please do something nice for yourself today Midkid. Just sitting looking out a window, listening to a favourite song, watching a favourite DVD.

Unfortunately those close to us are not always able to provide the comfort we may need. Doesn't mean we should miss out but we may have to cast the net wider to find it. Please keep writing if it helps you. ((hugs)) +++
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My mom always got upset when us kids would be sick. We are not supposed to get sick. Now, my hubby's family, and now me too, just keep going, ignoring anything.. put one foot in front of the other....My daughter got sick once. I waited a week before taking her in, small grade fever, but she kept passing out in summer school...I made a doctors appointment, and he said, it's a mild fever, why bother bringing her in? I told him, I agreed, but it hasn't gone away yet, it's been a week. He was surprised. Did xray and low and behold there it was, a little spot in her lung. Pnuemonia.
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Chemo hits everyone someway. It's not always the same for everyone. Radiation too. If you are planning to take a trip, do get trip insurance or flight insurance, just in case. I have heard of too many friends thinking they don't need it, and they get it, and something happens...Think of one thing positive, write it down, or record it.
Acknowledge one moment when you don't have a feeling of pain. And see if the one moment of being pain free will be a bit longer next time.
My friend tells me to tell someone I see, something nice. Once a day, I am to compliment someone. It will be easier as I do this, and start seeing something nice. Hang in there, it's okay to feel depressed. Find a little bright something in the day. A flower, a smell, a smile. Do you have a funny/fun moment you remember before you and husband got married?
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Thank you for the positive comments. I am depressed way beyond what I thought was humanly possible.

I DO need something fantastic to happen. Maybe it will, who knows.

I could just SLAP my son for being so thoughtless. I have been keeping a lot from my kids on the mistaken thoughts that they cared about me. Done so well that they think I'm no sicker than having a mild cold.

Hubby stays in bed all weekend, so it will be calm, at least.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
MidKid,

You don’t deserve any of this. I’m so sorry. It’s pretty damn hard to ignore it too.

We have to work through things and it takes time. Doesn’t get better overnight. So if you are depressed, you’re entitled to be. If you are scared or feeling doubt? You’re entitled to that too. Even if you’re angry, you’re entitled to be.

I have not had cancer so I won’t insult you by pretending to know how you feel.

I get that you withheld certain things. You are trying to spare them. Please know that you aren’t a burden on anyone. Reach out when you need to. If you feel you can’t with certain people than find someone you can reach out to.

I was honored to be the person that my sweet MIL reached out to when she struggled with lymphoma. She wasn’t comfortable reaching out fully to her sons, I get that.

My FIL wasn’t capable of understanding the situation. Her mother was horrible about it all. I could tell you stories about her mother that you wouldn’t believe. She was awful. It made me angry to see. Their relationship was complicated. Basically her mother was self centered. She was the opposite of my MIL who was a loving and compassionate person.

Anyway, I was close to her and offered support. My husband donated platelets when she needed them but I was the one she felt comfortable confiding in. She felt safe with me. I loved that she knew she could trust me. I was actually closer to her than my own mom. I used to feel very guilty about that until my MIL told me why I did. She said that she and I had more in common and we did.

I saw firsthand my sweet MIL go through non Hodgkin’s lymphoma cancer and treatment. I saw her challenges and triumphs. I loved her dearly. You remind me so much of her. You have the same spirit as she did. I admired her and greatly admire you as well.

My MIL showed me enormous compassion whenever I struggled. I see that same quality in you. Don’t you find that people who have struggled the most often are the most understanding because they know what suffering is?

Sometimes people who haven’t struggled just aren’t able to understand. You would think they could but some don’t.

Not that I wish harm on anyone to find out firsthand but I have heard people say that they didn’t have a clue about something until they experienced it themselves.

I hope your son and any others that aren’t being considerate turn around and offer support, show compassion or just simply be kind the best way they know how to be.

Still praying for you. I wish the very best to you always. Take care. Hugs and more hugs.
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Hope you at least enjoyed the smoothie - mango or strawberry banana ?

you're almost to the finish line and we're cheering you each step of the way
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