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I see a major decline in my social life. I'm finding it's harder and harder to relate to folks who do not have this care in their life. Some friends have stayed away and others, even though they mean well, say things like stay away and don't do as much for mother, but there's no one else to pick up the pieces for sure. They see what it's doing, and make judgements, but no one is really stepping in to help because it's too much. It's sad, isn't it, how it affects every aspect of life.

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Social life? Between a full time job, then coming home to do my shift of caregiving, I had tried when I first started caregiving in my 20's to still go out with my friends several times a year (count using one hand). But dad got resentful because he had the bulk of caregiving and he needed a break. So, I started backing off from my friends. Eventually, no more going out to movies or lunch or dinner or to the beach with friends. This has been going on for half of my life. I can honestly say, that any friends I had 24 years ago - are no longer. Friendship requires give/take. Nurturing it. And I didn't do that. Now, it's just my siblings and you all on AC. (My high school best friend tried to guilt me into buying her ticket ot Manila. Didn't work. I'm broke. And we never communicated all these years (not even yearly or every 5 years or 10 or 15years). Now, her friend is dying in the Philippines, she's broke, he's getting worse as the days go by, etc... She used to be a teacher, a husband, part owner of a daycare center. Now, she's broke?
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Social life? If your house bound how can you find time or money for a social life outside of your home. My social life has become home-aids, and friendly visitor from JFS. My social life is on-line groups which are free and friendly
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It's easier that way, isn't it? "On pause" isn't a bad way to look at it - at least it means that at some point in the future you can press play again (and just hope the power's still on!). I found myself explaining to my sister that looking after my mother full time was a lot less stressful if I wasn't also trying to do anything else. Like get a job or go out anywhere. Sad, but it doesn't help to kick against the pricks.
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Countrymouse. My life is on pause.
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OJ, snap! That's exactly what I was going to answer: "my what?"
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Social.life? What's that? Mine is completely none existing. I am with my mom 24 hrs a day. Sime times i cam sneak away for an hr or two to run an errand but that's about it.
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My social life has been completely curtailed, but I've adapted over the years. It's really difficult sometime, but I have come to the decision that my social life will just have to be different for awhile and my good friends have stuck with me and I have made new ones that fit my new lifestyle. I based that decision on how I would feel after he is gone. I have always had a good relationship with both of my parents so I am lucky. I decided that if I changed our situation so I could have more time for me, I would never forgive myself. My Dad is 91 and still going strong so I am fortunate and I am lucky that my old and new friends are supportive. Dad is my wingman!
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I haven't had a social life in 10 years! I am a caregiver as a profession and a caregiver for both of my parents. I live with them to take care of them. I am unable to have any kind of relationship because of my parents doesn't want me to have any form a relationship with anyone it seems. Sometimes I can't wait to get on with my life. I feel that I do owe them the help they deserve,but when will it be my time?
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im 1 year post caregiver and back in my own home and still dont desire a social life . never did have much to do with people but my life is mine again and im back to what i enjoy -- building things .
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Social life? So many caregivers have a social life?
My husband and I have been living apart for the past year. He is in our house and I am living with my mom. We all have dinner together. He and I look forward to trips to grocery or drug store.
My one social thing is I teach a pastels class at the local senior center. 1.5 hrs absorbed in drawing and art!
I feel disconnected from friends as even phone calls are difficult. (And as stated by several folks, many friends make comments about how I shouldn't do what I am doing.)
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Can you relate to this, I am not very good company. This is just one more reason for no social life beside those listed. I am not depressed or mean, I am tired and don't read or go to movies. I only get a couple hours at a time and I am just better off on my own or at the gym. How do you answer "How are the folks? Have lots of company this summer? Did your mom have a nice birthday?" all these stories have nonstop misery attached.
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My social life declined when dad moved in. It is mostly my doing. I spent the last year traveling back and forth multiple state to transition him to move with me. My siblings we of little help. Anyway since he moved in we entertain less, go out less and I gravitate toward guilt to not go out so I don't make him feel bad. We do date night but even then it is all about talk of home. My friends I am sure are sick of hearing about it so I am less the conversationalist like i used to be. We do take him with us when invited, but it seems awkward. He and mom used to go out a lot but we don't have that kind of money (hence the issues with him with no money now). We have a beautiful home but now we don't entertain as much due to I like to have my time with my friends. It is a hard balance to get used to all of this change. I'm at home all day working and all night so I get cabin fever. Where is the balance? When does it happen? How do I get there? Dad went from being a business owner contractor fixing everything to sitting there watching TV. I have given him jobs to do but they are being put aside. I was hoping the little jobs would give him something to do but they sit there now undone. I used to go to my buddies for game day and now he wants to tag along. How do I say no? I have taken to just leaving and telling no one where I am going (except my wife). Then I feel guilty even more!
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Decline in my social life? What's a social life? I think I may have had one years ago, but it's all so distant now. Terrific that through modern medicine, better lifestyle choices and nutrition, people are living longer, eh? But what's the point of living longer if you need to wear a Depends and are slowly killing your children who have to take care of you? The only folks who have truly benefited are the private assisted care facilities who are making a fortune. The rest of us? Well, life just isn't all that peachy.
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I've been my mom's caretaker for 10 long years. I feel like a freak after all this time, like I've turned into a creature that's not quite human anymore. I've been out of the loop so long I have no real idea what in the hell is going on outside my four walls. Friends and outings? A...GASP!...relationship? One day, or even a few hours to myself? Out of the question. I don't have the time, being a caregiver around the clock. And even if I did, most likely I'd opt to do that elusive thing I miss so much...sleep. lol Besides, what in the world could I possibly contribute to any intelligent conversation? Shall I wax eloquent on the numerous joys of care giving, and all that entails? Yeah, boy! Ah, it is sad, isn't it? I really have forgotten what living life really means.
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Ah, good one, I think I may look into bringing over a parrot from Brooklyn, perhaps an older one since they live to be about a 100, or not, that probably would be all that was left to eulogize me.
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the only social life i have is teaching our parrot cuss words. i guess i do have probation visits every 60 days. dollar for dollar its cheaper than therapy i s'pose.
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You know funny but I was thinking about this today while cooking a shepherd's pie. I wish I had a social life, I don't. I am so grateful for my companion animal, he is so loving and accepting, a great stress relief for me. I intend on getting myself out more now that the weather is better while my mother is Adult Center. It is a lot of work to get her to the center, so when she leaves it is like whew time for me and I just sit down and enjoy being alone. I must press myself and get myself out when she is out or I will be ready for the looney bin. I am not sure how I will change this but I will if I put my mind to it.
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I have no social life. Social life stopped even being a consideration. Now I just try not to get sick ...again..in spite of a healthy diet and exercise, I am exhausted. When I got shingles the doctor said it was most likely related to chronic exhaustion ( oh wait, she called it "caretakers exhaustion" ) and ordered me to sleep for two days, but I had to work and take care of my family. If I actually had time to go on a date, I would use it to be able to spend more time with my preteen daughters...or sleep.
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What social life? I have been a caregiver for my mom for many years but more recently, the past 1 1/2 years in our home. She is doing very well and we have worked out things but it can get depressing. I find any free time I just want to spend in a non-social environment at home. My free time is so limited since I work full-time that I don't have the energy to spend time with the few friends I have. I do occasionally have dinner with a friend or go shopping with my Goddaughter, but that's about it. It seems unfair that my mother at my age had, and still does, a loving daughter who took her on wonderful vacations and coddled her and here I am, eligible to retire, no children and should be able to finally have some fun in life and enjoy nice vacations absent an aging parent. Just needed to vent. I will continue down this path but I just find it so sad.
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I have been a full time caregiver for my mom for five years. She has mid-stage Alzheimer's. I took an early retirement to care for her. Relations with my friends have been strained because I work at care giving 70 to 80 hours a week with no days off. I have had to turn down opportunities for love relationships. I can not take vacations. My only sibling is a self-centered twit who has no empathy for mom or me. I'm concerned about my future after living so many years of living in a bubble. My only solace is seeing how happy my mom is having me around to care for her. It warms my heart to keeps me going. One day at a time is my motto.
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I have found that some people who were once were there to go out and listen tend to want to avoid uncomfortable feelings and situations. Ignore it, run from it, distance yourself from it and it won't affect you. The thing is we all will have to face the reality of our situations, sickness and death are part of life. Like birth, death is something we face alone no matter who is the room with us. Sometimes people don't want to be reminded of this and steer clear, it is okay because we all face it at some time or another. For me acceptance is the answer to all of my problems, and I continue to find joy and happiness with or without someone else, we need to see just how resilient we are and have been and we are most certainly creative.
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wow, what an experience! Glad bil left, who could afford him. Hope you and your mil are both doing well.
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glad to know we are not alone Jennieb. my brother in law "took care" of my mother in law by moving into her house and getting himself treated for Hep C. He bought "her" a satellite to get "her" some TV and he lay in bed saying he needed a Pepsi. He also brought his girlfriend and her kids , paid not rent or utilities (in Upstate NY) and stayed a whole year. The guy who "helps us" with the lawn and stuff broke his hip. By the next week my BIL left saying, he felt trapped.
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My sister came to visit last summer and offered to take my mom for a couple of days (shock). We said sure. Unfortunately, she brought mom back by 7am the next day stating she couldn't handle it. Also, her idea of "taking" mom included dropping by two times the night she did have her.
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Wow, DT, thank you for letting us know. I'm so glad when I hear little blessings throughout all this. And to those who think we ask for this...... I'd like them to sit in our shoes for three days -- they are the most ignorant, self centered people I know for sure.
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Addendum to my last post - Mom has since been admitted into hospice, though in this area they do not have any separate facilities for residence, it is involved in home care, visiting nurse, nurse on 24 hour call, all sorts of things like oxygen and medications applicable to her medical condition, it has been a big relief, but what has helped me so far, and I can use in the future is they have volunteers who will come in and 'sit' with mom if I have something I want to do. We had our 50th class reunion last week, I nearly passed up the idea of attending but the 'sitter', a very nice older lady, came in and I was allowed a 'night out' (well, until about 10:30 anyway, when I called it quits 'cause I was tired), but I had a good time and did not have to worry about what was happening at home.
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wow, so sad, it all sounds so similar. When my MIL came back she had a heart attack within a week, they never did any kind of care for her and I think they ate twinkies breakfast lunch and dinner.

I think that what does bother me most is that the same people who would never do it themselves are the first to say that people who do it, get something out of it for themselves, and it is some kind of scam. My god they wouldn't last a week, and have no intention of trying. They just like to rationalize it because they feel guilty I think.
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Wildjane60, I do so understand your situation. Those who say we get something out of this is out of their mind. I really don't see any good about these situations. Believe me, I'm doing it because no one else will. And those who would say that have never or will never be caregivers. We do it because we are human. And as far as friends go, yes I see that there's a transformation of my friends. My "friends" who have never been caregivers are falling off the chart as I cannot do things with them, and they do not understand. It's like playing in a whole new ball park. The damage it does to family relationships is astronomical. I can go down the list, but no need. Mother moved down to be near my brother and came crawling back is worse shape than she left and guess what ... it's my ball game again, so look out.
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we finally after 34 years got two of my husband's siblings to take care of my mother in law for this trip the the specialists out of town. Last weekend we went away for two days together for the first time since, I can't remember that wasn't a funeral. Even weddings one of us has had to not go because of my MIL. I can't tell you how much I want to move. MOVE as far away from my mother in law as I can. She is supposed to be going away to stay with a son in a warmer climate for the winter, but this has been true every winter and only happened once--he immediately went 3,000 miles across country and told her that his great friends would "help them out" with their needs. She returned and had a heart attack the same week. In any case the point is we had a social life with friends for three whole days. It was amazing. We went to an art show (where no one knew us as the caretakers) we drank wine with friends and talked. We did go to a business meeting apart, but both went to the dinner. Our daughter from out of town visited and we didn't have to spend all the time with my MIL. It was amazing. Now we are back. Her heart valve isn't working right again so she has to return to her out of town docs, stay in a hotel there and be totally run around . I am telling you I am not doing it. My friends brother just had a debilitating stroke after taking care of his mother for 40 years, now the daughter in law is stuck with him and the MIL. Social life? Ha we put it on hold--it was always GOING to be our turn to have a life any minute. Everyone we knew told us either it was our choice, and implied that we got something out of it, either extra attention, martyrdom, or brownie points, or that we liked abuse? BS. We did it because no matter what they said, nobody DID anything about my inlaws but US. 34 years. We are broke from doing it and I just loved that small taste of a social life so much. I would do anything to keep it. I am willing to wait and see if the brother really does take her for the winter. She and her friend (she lives with also no driving, needs help etc) now one has SSI and medicaid and she has SS , pension and Medicare, so the brother will take every penny, and maybe this time he has incentive to take them. I just would sell everything and live in a cabin to be able to live how we did this week.
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Wellspouse, you are so right. In the 9 years I've been dealing with my aged mother, only one friend from the old group remains and she lives out of town. I the last couple of years I have started to make new friends who are aware of my circumstances. I like them a lot better.
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