I found this site last year right around this time when my 84 year old mother had a severe COPD flare and was in the hospital for 2 weeks and then rehab for 6 before going back to her assisted living facility.
She’s had a slow decline since then (no longer walks to meals with her roller, needs assistance showering, needs o2 most of the day etc) but overall she is fine.
I on the other hand am simply exhausted. While she does live in a wonderful assisted living facility she only has me and my brother (who lives 2 hours away and helps minimally) to take care of her and support her emotionally and logistically. Thankfully money is not an issue. But I have 3 kids, work full time and am stretched so think I sometimes think I may break.
Her place has been locked down for 6 weeks and while I do miss her it has been a wonderful break to not have to visit every week and drop off/ship random things every day since I’ve told her many things are not available.
She has stage 4 COPD, CHF and is on 3L of O2. She is a very very high risk for coronavirus and major complications.
Tuesday I get a call that she has a 101 fever and they think she has the virus and are very worried. Talked to her dr a few times and went over what could happen. What treatment would be appropriate, reviewed her advanced directives etc... dr indicates that this is probably ‘it’ so I’ve been accepting that over the last 2 days. Now, they are monitoring her every few hours and finally got her dr in to test her yesterday but today she seems totally fine. No fever, breathing is better and no one is really worried anymore.
While this is wonderful news and I’m incredibly relieved I’m just so mentally drained. I have been told this is 'It' so many times since she has quadruple bypass 6 years ago but always bounces back I don’t know how to feel anymore.
When I heard about the fever on Tuesday I was not that concerned because this happens and she’s always fine. But then my husband sat me down and told me how awful this and that I need to prepare so I do and now she is fine.
I feel like an awful person for being exasperated over this but I’ve barely slept this week because I’m so worried and now all is ok .... until the next illness where I'll be right back where I am today.
How do you step back to preserve your own sanity while making sure you are making the best decisions and loving and supporting your LO as they need it most?
Is it guilt? Look my dear. We all know that feeling. You give your all to care for your parent, but the moment you, take time for yourself, guilt seeps in, often times friends/family only pile on the guilt accusing you of being selfish....but remember, only YOU know the weight of the caregiver's experience. Im sure you were yiur mother's main caregiver up until she was sent to the facility.
So unless they are willing to takeup the role themselves, anybody who is pressuring you about it can take their opinion and shove it.
Secondly, in my short experience ...I can warn you that having a sickly parent is emotionally draining and unfortunately not all spouses are equipped to handle it.
Unfortunately your husband might be one of those. You are not alone in this. I have experience it too. Ive learnt that if I talk to much about my mother's condition to my girlfriend, now fiancee, it usually leads to a long sexless, arguing night.
Dont let your mother's condition interfere with your marriage (that's YOUR life and you must cherish it)....as others have suggested...you may be eligible for counselling. Find a counsellor.
She has mild cognitive decline and is not able to use a smart phone or computer so I send/drop off all items she needs - batteries, depends, envelopes, snacks, etc etc... while I have cut down on the frequency I will bring them she leaves at least one message every day with other item she must have. Yesterday it was 2 tweezers - had to be Revlon - and a big jug of cashew nuts. She has some major incontinence issues that I talk to the staff frequently about. If I had know I would be here 6 years later I would have paced myself and not done multiple weekly visits those first few years but I was always told she was ‘at the end’ so I wanted to make that time special.
the load can’t be compared to those who have their lo at home so I realize I am lucky that she is well cared for and has the resources to pay - and for that I feel guilty too!!! But I have 3 children and a full time job and I fee
line I’m spending their childhood taking care of her too .
She has survived 3 bouts of pneumonia. Pulmonary emboli. About 6 stays in the hospital. A stint in rehab. A DVT that had a surgeon putting in an IVF filter at midnight on Christmas Eve in 2011. 45 falls.......yes, you read that right: FORTY FIVE falls since she's been in Assisted Living since 2014. Severe vertigo to the point where I was taking her back and forth for "Epley Manuever" treatments at the ENT doctor's office a few times a month. In a wheelchair. She's survived CHF, stage 3 kidney disease, AFIB, 3 enormous nosebleeds with trips to the ER where her blood thinners were blamed, so I had them discontinued. That led to a stroke; so she's now survived a stroke too. She's survived such a bad case of ulcerative colitis that the doc said he'd never seen such a torn up colon, ever, in his entire career of practice as a GI doctor. She's had enough issues to kill 20 people by now, and she's going strong! Oh, and she has moderate dementia to boot! She's now fallen 10x in Memory WHILE she's been in a wheelchair! I even had to get her water shoes for the shower which is like a fortress...........almost impossible to fall in, due to all the bars and contraptions designed so the elder does NOT fall, she's fallen twice!
I could go on and on. And on. But I will spare you more details. This whole run-on sentence is to tell you that I 'get it'. I feel your pain. My DD is an RN in the COVID 19 unit in a busy downtown hospital. Yesterday she told me, don't worry Ma, grandma will probably get the virus and be FINE! She'll pull thru IT as she's pulled through the 5 dozen other 'killer' things she's put us all through. I've had her dead and buried 10x already, but she always bounces back!
How do I know I'm making the best decisions and loving/supporting my LO as she needs it most? I haven't killed her yet, that's how I know! I'm still speaking to her, regardless of the nightmare she's put me through since she moved here in 2011. Forget about the nightmare she put me through PRIOR to 2011, never mind about that. I don't know about 'preserving my own sanity' because many times it hangs on by a thread. Trust me. I do cut down my calls to her, and the visits, so I FULLY understand about welcoming the break that's come along now with the visiting restrictions due to COVID 19. It's been a godsend, really.
I've lost a LOT of sleep over my mother and worrying about her issues which ALWAYS resolve themselves. Until one day they won't. I don't when that will be, when God is ready to take her Home, but I'm sure it won't be for a while. So in the meantime, I'll just do my best. One day at a time. Just do YOUR best and don't second guess yourself. You are not a bad person, and neither am I. We just have A LOT to deal with and no end in sight. It can feel quite overwhelming, I know, and this is a great place to vent and to get support, too.
Wishing you the best of luck, my friend.
Have you thought about a geriatric care manager that would be able to help you with these sorts of things? Or a companion for mom that would spend a few hours with mom a few times a week to take some pressure off of you? Run the errands on the way to see mom.
I would give that a try. Figure out what would be most helpful to you and try it out.
I know. I KNOW. You feel like a miserable person for thinking "this is it, it will be so much easier once she's gone".
You are NOT a bad person. It if you are, then a lot of us here are in the same category.
There is a thread here called "I think this is the beginning of the end". I started it sometime in 2014. My mother died at the end of August 2017.
So for 3 solid years, I clutched every time the phone rang. Spent a lot of time at work on the phone with doctors, nursing staff, audiologists, social workers....
And the callbacks? I remember one night, the dentist I had been trying to reach for weeks called as my husband was being loaded into an ambulance with a life threatening problem.
I probably still have some PTSD from this 3 years later.
Can you get your brother to do some of the ordering? Or the finances? Are you able to set up auto ship for things that mom uses regularly?
And very importantly, are you able to say "I will do that when I get a chance". You MUST make time for your own mental and physical health.
But come here and hang out and vent. These folks saved me many times over. ((((Hugs))))))