Sister said she would take mom for 4 days but makes excuses not to help. Any advice?

If you have had it, and it sounds like you have it is time to place Mom. Tell sis she has one month to find placement. If it is not done take Mom to ER, or call ambulance for her following next fall. Tell them you do not have POA and will not and cannot care for her any longer because of her increasing needs and for them to get in touch with sis to figure out what to do.

I hear you loud and clear. I have been dealing with promises from siblings for a long time. I think they have good intentions but they don't follow through. I have just received a recent 'promise to help' and I have just learned to take it with a grain of salt.

Ditto to what gladimhere said. Your sister wants it all her way with you holding the bag. I would tell you to check into respite at a nursing home for the time you are in AZ,(you pay by the day) but your sister is POA and probably wouldn't come up off of mom's money to pay for it. You can't make your sister be someone she isn't. Seriously, give your sis one month to make other arrangements for mom. She will back peddle and make one excuse after the other, but hold your ground. She might be the alpha, but you're adults now and you don't have to put up with this. Calling an ambulance after the next fall is an excellent idea. She needs to be checked out, and this will also make you Dr. aware as he will be notified. After hearing these two posts, if you are still missingout, it's not your sister's fault. Come on. You can do this.

Don't spin you wheels over things that you have no control over. Move on & find other means of support & help & get to AZ-it's great here. SMILE... from the sunshine, I so need to be ok.

Consider yourself an only child in your caregiving. Arrange for a live in home health aide to care for your mother while on the trip to AZ. Also get coverage for the time you need to get your eye surgery and recovery. Perhaps just try a live in aide for the next 6 months to see how you can restore your health, mental and physical.
If it runs down your mother's savings, so be it. It is for her care and just keep good records. You have to have some help. You will be able to figure out after some chance to catch up with your family and get your eyes addressed --exactly where you stand and how mom is doing.

Don't let your sister dictate the tune. She is going to remain useless. Ask her to kick in some money for mom's care--she will not but it will shut her up for awhile.
Keeping your mom with care in your home while you go to AZ is best for her. She isn't in shape for a long trip to the sister's home anyway. She should have offered to come and care for mom in your home. She isn't putting her mom's needs ahead of her own. You have and you deserve and will be a better caregiver with a clear head from a respite from the daily grind of caregiving.

Sorry for your sister, but you need to focus on what's best from you, your mom and your family. Get your mother some home health coverage and go to AZ as planned. :)

I agree with along term care solution whether its in home care or a nursing facility. I cared for my mom for 15 years with very little help from my siblings. It is very frustrating!!! My mom had a stroke and her care increased immensely and I still cared fir her at home until it became unsafe. I placed her in a nursing home. This was the most difficult decision to make for me, but she is doing well and she is safe. My siblings and I are getting closer now that I am not so stressed and bitter. It does take time to put the past in the past but it is worth to have a relationship with my family again. Good luck to you!! Don't be like me and make time for yourself!!! It is so important.

What GladI'mhere said. Tell your sister she's got one month to find placement; if not, you're dropping mom off at the ER. AND MEAN IT. In the meantime, sign mom up for adult day care.

It seems like you need to be in charge of your mom's affairs if you are in charge of her care and well being. I would consult an elder care attorney about getting put in as POA for your mom. If sis is already trying to steal your mom's condo, it sounds as though you might have a case for elder abuse against her and having yourself made POA. With that in place, you can decide what is best for your mom without the Alpha wolf sister trying to rob your mom and force you to caregive free with no help.

I don't a have any better answers than what the others have already said. Just adding that I'm going through the same thing. And it is frustrating, and angering. (Is that a word?)

My brothers have said, several times, they will help with Dad, while we go on a vacation.
Up till now Dad had been still (sort of) capable of being on his own, so all they needed to do was come visit for a day, sometime during the week. If each of them just came for one day visit, Dad would have had someone with him most of the time. But the help never materializes. Always something "comes up". One time we were gone for five nights. It had been arranged that each one would come once. When we got home, we found that no one had come at all. .....I was not surprised.

So lately I've been just setting up his pill box, and a back up box, and cook several days meals for him. Make sure the senior center shuttle driver knows that Dad will be on his own for a few days and go anyway. Keeping the trips short.

But that is likely over. There is no longer anyone in this city to be a back up emergency call person, and Dad's mental functioning is significantly worse. So I don't know what to do. I've been arguing with him about the respite care idea for several weeks now, but he is completely uncooperative with it. And now we have passed up the "advance notice" time frame that they need, in order to take him.

So here we are, debating whether or not we can go on a vacation that is already, non-refundably paid for. And I have no faith that anyone will come this time either. If I go off, and something happens while we're gone, I'll feel terrible. And who do you think everyone will blame?

This all makes me remember:

I am a retired RN. We used to frequently get patients that we called "holiday dump-off". These were elderly people who's family would essentially drop them off at the ED, and then take off on their weekend, or vacation, or (most frequently) just have their big Christmas party, without all the issues that having a dementia patient around, would entail. When I was young, I thought it was terrible, but now I totally understand.

agree totally with everyone..give sister one month or you will take matters to the ER and so forth.You need respite, a break, it is not fair to let you carry the entire load.Your sister has been "freeloading" for too long.Consult an elder attorney, as stated above you might be in charge of everything as you are in charge of everything anyway.Oh I could relate events that family members would promise to pick mom/dad up for events then call with lame excuses..I mean the excuses were so fake,I really don't know how the family could look in the mirror..anyway take everyone's advice and follow through.Good luck. .

I'm an only child of an elderly parent with no other family. What is the ER (emergency room?) or the ED? I would love to have a day off... I would do nothing to hurt my mothers feelings, and she is not demented, just very old and tired sometimes confused. I always accompany her everywhere she goes, even into the MRI chamber so she won't be afraid. Is there any respite agency around that could give me some time for myself? My kids are mostly useless with her. My daughter had her overnight 2 times in the past 4 years. My son has had her twice a year for a few days around holidays and this is a big help, but nobody will pony up for any major responsibility.

I know what you are going through. They say they want to help you but they dont and I agree tell your mom to find assisted living. My husband and daughter and her husband leave in arkansas, And I live in Colorado taking care of my mom. They are really punishing me because I am taking care of my mom.

It's sad but your sister is planning on how she' going to use your mothers property and spend her funds. It's really time you set a date and put mom in a place where she can be watched. If you sister doesn't do it that don't mean you have to continue to care for her. Contact your own attorney after you give her the option and if she doesn't do anything to improve her situation you can challenge her POA for the good of you mother. I hope it doesn't come down to that but enough is enough if you don't make a stand somewhere along the line.

This post got my blood pressure going! First off your sister has no business being POA. You care for her. I agree with Glad, tel your sister to make arrangements by a certain date and tell her it's her turn. She gas POA and the doctor is closer to her. If she wants to make all the decisions then she should have the person who the decisions are being made for. Good luck, be strong and stand your ground.

hire a service to come in 24 /7 for those two weeks or some Facilities will take them for intermittent care while you are out of town. if she has to pay out of moms money then maybe she will change her tune. you can say to her these are my plans now you need to find out where she can go so I can see my family And I'm definitely entitled to do so. I give enough of my time and i need a break.Good luck and stick to your guns with an ultimatum or it will keep happening

First of all, POA gives your sister NO authority over you. None. She cannot say that you have to take care of Mom. You are free to make your own decisions. You may not be able to determine that Mom goes to a nursing home, because someone has to pay for that, and the POA does have authority over the money. But you can certainly say, "I am no longer able to care for Mom in my home."

Do see a lawyer who specializes in Elder Law. If Mom is willing to have you as POA that is an easy change. Then you can use her money for her care, and arrange respite care for that month. But it sounds like Mom may not permit that. In that case the lawyer can help you understand exactly what your options are.

Your sister is in charge of mother's money, but you are in charge of your own decisions. See a lawyer to put your caregiving on firmer ground.

Drive your mom to your sister's house, you said it is near mom's doctor so she can make the trip I am assuming. Leave mom with sister and go to AZ. Tell sister you do not want mom back, you are no longer able to care for her because you are not able to also care for yourself while she is there. Tell her a month ahead of time, and tell her there is no going back on your part. Also schedule your cataract surgery following your trip. Pack mom's stuff now, pack meds etc just before you go and leave it all with your sister. Perhaps hire someone to clean your house just prior to surgery so you can have a clean recovery environment to heal. Send that bill to sister. If mom is going to need medicaid, her condo may not remain hers anyway. Let sister do whatever. If need be, see a lawyer and see about billing mom's money for the care you have provided in the past to ensure you are not left out of the estate. Talk to lawyer about when to present the bill to sister/POA/executor.

From personal experience and contrary to things I've read regarding caregiving. Sources say to turn to your friends and family first. I beg to differ. I say turn to all available local agencies that you can for respite daycare, supplies at little or no cost, (based on household income),every and all social service agencies. Assistance from agencies for the low income might offer some direction. Don't leave out local churches and other agencies that assist the low income for direction and help. I would put friends before family. It's amazing how family can distance themselves from the issue and you. The excuses are all across the board.

Present your resignation in writing with copies to mom and sis and your local social services. Give sixty days notice and leave exactly on that date. The POA is legally responsible for anything after that date, including neglect.

Sounds to me you need to pack moms suitcase for a weeks trip, take her and the suitcase to your sisters house (while she is there of course), take Mom and suitcase to the front door and ring the door bell several times and get back in your car and leave. Don't forget to put your sisters phone number on ignore then text your sister and tell her when she wants to be reasonable in a few months you will be happy to talk to her then.

Same situation here. They can blab all they want about giving me time off and help but it NEVER happens. The sad part is that I think in their minds the 3 hours a month they spend with their mother is plenty. Makes me sick.... I am in the process of getting a family care mediator to help work this out. I am soooo tired of the endless poker game we are playing.

I like the drop Mom off - but here's the rub, I know that you love your mom and wouldn't do anything to hurt her. This would hurt her terribly. Do stand up for yourself. I dropped my kids off at my EX husband's girlfriend's door when I saw his car parked outside and he didn't come pick them up on"his weekend", but that was back in the 70s now-days I'd go to jail for that one. It might be considered reckless endangerment to drop off Mom at sister's front door & run.

My husband I were caregivers for his mother for 7 years, 4 of them in our home with me as primary caregiver. We had major crises to deal with over the Christmas holiday 3 different years. My sisters-in-law were spending their holidays skiing out West. The last Christmas my mother-in-law was alive, my husband called his sister about taking Mom for the holiday. He was prepared for her response: “I cannot take her. We will have my grandson and 3 dogs in the house.” My husband replied, “We will have 7 grandchildren and 1 dog at ours. This is not negotiable.” People can only take advantage of you if you let them.

I think you should contact the lawyer who drew up the POA and let him know all these troubles....this lawyer has a duty to represent your Mom (not sis) and if sis is not doing a good job, perhaps the lawyer can enlighten your mom to other possible ways of ensuring she is receiving good care.

Hadenough, let me know how mediators do this. I know if I tried to get my siblings to go to a meeting with one they wouldn't go. I wonder if the mediator can speak to them one on one? I am really thinking of going this route.

Sallie is correct. I tried to setup a care evaluation for my Mom over a year ago. Sis POA was in complete denial that Mom needed care. And then, absurd as it may seem, the proposal over a year ago included the name of someone that I had good recommendations for. And guess who's name they came up with in mediation six months later?! You guessed it! The person I had recommended.

We got to mediation only because it had become a guardianship/conservatorship motion in the court. They would not talk about anything until there was a pending court date.

Mediators will speak to you 1:1 or with your family present. I just found one close to home on the internet. It is pretty pricey $200/hr. What happened in my case was the assisted living route. Gotta go with the majority and this is what they want so unless I want to make a stink no mediator is necessary. If you go in with a clear plan where the issues can be resolved in an hour it may be worth it. If you go in with arguments and accusations and drama it will end up costing a lot more. I decided to forgo the drama and I am leaning toward the assisted living route also now. Have to do what is best for mums and hope it works out. Hugs to all...

Sooo thankful to be an only child...

Sherry, want to trade places? You can have my sisters and I will be the only child. It would make my life so much easier.

If you have no control over your mother's finances, getting an attorney would be very costly and you can't do anything without a PoA. Contact your county or state Health Dept dealing with the Elderly. Your mother needs an attorney ad litem. This is a court appointed lawyer who represents her interests. They will determine if your sister is absconding with her money. They will also determine if she needs to be in an assisted care facility. In your present situation, you have all the work and no control. Put an end to that,