How can they explode when asked for help by the caregiver? I'm in my mom and step dad's home helping to care for my mom with dementia. Even with the two of us it is very demanding and getting worse of course. I asked my sister to help out because I need a break and there is no one else to turn to. She exploded and left. She lives 3 hours away and visits for a few hours every couple of months. I'm feeling burned out and desperate. It takes two people to get mom from chair to toilet to bed, etc. I can understand why my sister freaked out, I believe she knows she is wrong. I just can't understand how she can ignore our mom like this?
My sister did live 3000 miles away; but still did not want to give even moral support; and often laughed when I told her what was involved with taking care of our parents. This laughter only infuriated me and made me realize that she wanted nothing to do with the matter as she always had, even when she lived closer.
I did not appreciate the jovial responses when I was dealing with serious issues. It is easy to find an excuse, whether it be distance, problem relationship with parent, etc. There is plenty to do "from a distance" and there Is no humor in caregiving or being on the end of the parents impossible demands. As it turns out, most of us end up caregiving alone while the rest of the family carries on.
You are not getting help from your sister or any other family members.
Therefore, you need to find another source for help. What would you do if you were an only child? I suggest you call Social Services in your county and ask for a needs assessment. They can tell you how to go about getting help.
If further interaction with your sister results in some help there, wonderful. But don't hold your breath, and don't put off finding another source of help.
I have one sister that said she was going to come visit mom. She wants to take care of mom one night so my husband and I can go have a true date. But that is as good as it gets for me. There are two of us caring for my mom, along with me working 4 part-time jobs and my husband being a graduate student.
So I wish I had the answer for you, but all I can say is I am sorry and I do understand. I have a similar situation of my own.
I have taken care of my parents off and on over the years when it came to their needs so I could have predicted which siblings would have done what.
I send emails out to my siblings a couple of times a month. I have one sister that I have no idea what goes on with her. Not only does she not call mom but every month or so, she doesn't even acknowledge what is going on with mom. She won't even give money towards mom's care. I pay for the majority of mom's care. I have 2 siblings that help me out once in a while by giving me items for mom's care or money, but it is a few times per year.
So siblings will drive you crazy if you let them. How I deal is tell myself that they are responsible for their own actions. I have to answer for what I do and they get to answer for what they do. If I spend my time worrying about what they do and don't do it would drive me crazy. I just ignore my siblings and their actions, I know that sounds easy, but I have to tell you one of my siblings also thinks she is dying and is wanting me to assist with her care and family. My husband and I might be a team, but I work and he is a grad student, so with my mom we have our hands full.
So I know siblings drive us crazy, but I work hard to ignore mine and worry that I am providing mom the best care and adventures I can while she is able.
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