How much do I owe my siblings who do almost nothing?

How frustrating and irritating. Your siblings should be more aware of your efforts and more appreciative. Unfortunately though, some people are just plain clueless about these things. Out of sight out of mind. If you have not yet, I would make it very clear to them how you feel and let them know that even though they are not close by it would be nice if they just picked up the phone to say thank you or even ask if there was anything they could do to make things easier for you. It's very possible they have just gotten used to things as they are and don't even think about it. You can't change them but you can change what you are doing. Let them know how you feel.

Another thought. I used to be the one who tried to ge tmy family together on a regular basis. I actually lived further away (just over an hour drive) and my siblings lived close to my folks. I wanted my kids to know their family so I tried to organize get togethers. My siblings made it clear that they were too busy for any of that. Even my parents made no effort to visit us, never. We had to go to them on their terms, for years it was like that. In the end I realized that it was my desire to be close to family not theirs and I had to accept that. It hurt but eventually I stopped trying and stopped feeling resentful. It's better that way.

My brothers don't have much to do with my mother beyond the occasional phone call. I still send them periodic updates when something significant is going on, such as a big change in her health or a large expenditure we need to make. It doesn't hurt me to do this. The good side of it is after I send an email each of them will call my mother to chat for a while. She likes that. I don't tell her the reason they called is because I emailed them. That would take all the joy out of it.

I know my brothers and don't resent them. It is just the way it is.

You don't owe your siblings anything. Not a bean, not a second of your time. Nix.

But. (You knew there'd be a but, didn't you?!)

Your mother loves her children. Having them, even notionally, in her life is important to her. And that is why it is worth your trouble to keep them in the loop.

Since I regularly scowl about my three sibs and wish they would just - well, never mind what I wish - I understand how frustrating this is, and how futile it feels to be jotting down an email to them and thinking "are they even going to bother to acknowledge this?"

I admire Jessie's attitude, it's what I'm aiming for but don't quite manage. I don't let on to my mother about why my brother's on the phone, either, because I don't want to wipe the beaming smile off her face, but boy! - do I resent him? You bet I do. I'm working on it.

Hm. Reviewing what I've just written, there is another ray of hope. To be fair, I have to acknowledge that my sister is checking in more often nowadays, once a fortnight or so, and visits every few weeks. So, I don't know, but if you keep patiently sending bulletins maybe your siblings too will eventually, gradually sort themselves out and pay more attention to their mother. Which would be good for her, even if it doesn't do much for you :) You never know!

Forget the runner, they won't see it for 3 to 5 years. If they are not part of have solution, they are part of huge problem, so stop wasting time on updating them. Spend that time on friends or finding a support group or anything that us helpful to you or your LO.

I can't stand how money makes people forget about love, care, friendship. Suddenly all those traits and a happy life doesn't count anymore. It's so sad and so annoying. I am very sorry for you Tlynne. I know how hard dealing with selfishness can be. My wife's family did exactly that. She was taking care of her parents in the times of need, first the father and then mother. She would care for them, nurse them, remember about medications and everything doing with love and devotion. Her siblings on the other hand didn't even bother. Gosh, even writing about it makes me so annoyed. When the parents passed away, my Wife was brokenhearted and they...the siblings...the just came in for the money and personal gains and also dared to say that maybe they could take better care of the parents. Oh really? So why you didn't even bother to visit?! Urgh. S

thanks bookluvr, I am guessing I'm a candidate for "caregiver burnout rehab" if there is such a thing.
I spent about 6 hours with parents today, just a normal Sunday for me, and when I got home, I was tempted to send a summary to my siblings......and I thought, why the heck should I do that? So I just sent a quick email to myself & husband of the day's activities, and attached photos.
Yes-- I take photos of when we get to church, the luncheon, and shopping afterwards---that's great way to document since it date stamps it. Also verifies everyone who is there, where I brought the parents, and what they were eating. They do think I'm a little nuts.
But it's also a great way to preserve the wonderful memories of all this time I've spent with parents.
If Sis could ever come down off her High Horse, I would dearly love to share the photos with her. Maybe if she continues in her nasty ways, I will get my day in court, and I can present all my photos. Of how I actually did some GOOD for the folks.

Three to five years of not visiting is an extremely long time. Actions speak louder than words, and if they aren't making an effort to visit them; sorry to say, they don't care. I don't think you need to up-date them on anything whatsoever. Let them make the effort to visit your parents. You sound great, but I definitely would back off. I have always felt that siblings that do nothing; siblings that live in the area and clearly have the time; should go to the parents and ask to be taken out of the will, as that is the only honorable thing to do. Unfortunately, this does not happen often. Siblings that don't help out, want it both ways; they don't want to help out, yet they want to be kept in the inheritance.

There are good and bad results of not updating the sibs. If you update them, they know what's going on, and see that the parents are getting worse. When the time comes when you need their help, they would know the situation and depending on them, help you or not.

If you don't update them, they will be suspicious of you and give you a hard time. They will get angry and resentful to you for not letting them know how badly the parents are. And when it gets so bad, they will turn against you - sic the authorities on you with their suspicions.

I updated my siblings when it was mom. Because mom was bedridden for over 13 years, on oxygen, trache tube and stomach tube. So many times she was at death's door. I updated the siblings only because I give them the option to fly over if they want to see mom before she dies. This way, they can't blame me if mom died suddenly.

My dad is beginning in his road to dementia. I don't think his health is critical where my siblings need to know every single trip to the ER. When he had a pneumonia and had to be hospitalized, I text the siblings a brief msg. Up to them. But to go to the ER because his catheter was bleeding and wouldn't stop - was not a text message scenario. Know what I mean? I've reached the point with father's case to just very very briefly update the siblings on any major changes.

Plus when they call home on major holidays, they have noticed that dad's conversation has drastically changed. He no longer understands phone conversation.

good and bad results....that is the crux of this, with my sibs.
If I email them, they've sometimes complained that I am only giving my perspective, not my parents. geez. I am not my parents---I can really only give my own words, I believe.
They rarely, have they ever? say thank you for the email.
It's more likely that they read it and file it away, or even delete it.
Yet, when they email me (which is hardly ever) they pretend that it is All Important. Like they are writing the Constitution or something. So it's definitely not the same impact as when I email.
I just crave a normal, give & take relationship with my siblings, in everything, but since they live so far out of state, it's just not happening. And I can't make it happen even with trying to send friendly emails.

You don't owe them anything. However, keeping them updated via brief emails about major issues ("Mom fell and broke her hip," "A meteor crashed into the house," etc.)will protect you when they inevitably say, "But why didn't you tell me? We would have come right away if we'd only known."