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My mom suffered a debilitating stroke almost 3 years ago, after a family meeting(9 of us) most of us thought a nursing home would be best, due to most of us working and a few from out of state, my dad left my mom financially stable and we believed she would get the best care, my younger siblings did not agree, my mom has always taken care of them financially and they did not want to lose access to the money, however, we made the arrangements and had my mom put in a remarkable place, she has been there for over a year and a half and doing well, she has gained weight and has a good relationship with the 8 other residents in her house, I was going everyday and having lunch with her and reading the paper, and the visits were nice most of the time, she had good and bad days and this was to be expected, my younger siblings would not visit her at first because they were angry her money was being used for the Nursing Home, they started coming around, however, they have told her I have all her money and personal items and got rid of everything! I am POA and I have to account for every dime for Social Security, etc. and as far as her personal things, she has most of her things in her room and whatever was left is in storage containers in my basement, the last few weeks while I was visiting with my mom she accused me of taking everything, even things that were still in her room, there was no reasoning with her, and the visits got more nasty, the last time I was there she told me that my brother told her I stole a baseball......she proceeded to call me all kinds of names and told me to get out and never come back! I am upset that my mom feels this way and I know her mind is not sharp and sometimes does not realized what she is saying is so hurtful, I am more upset that my siblings could be so evil, all because the money is no longer at their disposal. I am fortunate to have some siblings who back me and are aware of the situation, my mom is alright with them. I have not been back to visit in over two weeks, I don't want her getting all upset and anxious and there is another part of me that just want to call my siblings and raise some issues and yet that seems fruitless.

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Well, first, I'd suggest to you that all she's saying your siblings are telling her may not be true. But assume it is. I WILL make the assumption that your mom has dementia, because if she didn't, I doubt she'd believe them.

"Mom, what they're telling you is not true. And if your brain weren't tricking you? You'd know that and wouldn't believe it. You know I love you. You know I'd NEVER do one little thing that wasn't in your best interests. That's why you decided I should have your power of attorney!"

Have her checkbook with you and go thru it item by item with her for the past number of months. Explain to her that your siblings are trying to make trouble because they don't want HER money to be spent taking care of HER. They want it saved so THEY can have it when she dies.

"Mom, I have nothing to hide. Everything I've done with your money has been for your own best interests. If you want me to get an attorney or CPA to verify that that's the truth, I will do it tomorrow."

On the down-low, use some of your mom's money to consult with an elder law attorney, telling him/her about this situation with your siblings and asking what you need to do to protect yourself from an end run. It may be that going for guardianship is the answer.

I would be concerned they were going to do that very same thing to you. Money is a powerful motive for selfishness. Watch your back.
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Perhaps I missed something. It seems that the only way that you know that there are selfish and lying siblings, is because you are mother is repeating statements she is attributing to your siblings. It seems certain that your mother may not be keeping facts straight. If she were, she would not accuse you of taking articles in her room. I would not say anything about your siblings that you do not have evidence to prove. Let's even go so far as to say evidence that would stand up in court. It sounds like mom needs a medical / mental evaluation by a physician. are you able to make such a request through the 'home'?

I like the idea of making a very itemized list of all of Mom's income and expenses. Once your list is as accurate as you can make it, and you have evidence that can stand up in a court of law, call a family meeting with all your siblings. you know your siblings better than we do. I suggest either sending them a copy of the financial statement prior to or giving each one of them a copy at the meeting. Make no accusations or insinuations or even any suggestions, to anyone, about your siblings suspected of lying. I would even suggest a recording device for your meeting. I imagine that any siblings who have something to hide will somehow give themselves away.
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Latest from one of the people with dementia in my family. She called to say a cousin's son had just died from a drug overdose, per the cousin-mother's telephone call. Another one? Again? One cousin, one we hardly knew, actually did die of an overdose about five years ago but the other cousin we know and her daughter as well if not her son. Heartbreaking. Upon reflection, my husband checked the second overdose story out. The mother-cousin said her son was alive and with no new problems; thus, the whole overdose death story was entirely imagined. When people have dementia, they have dementia. End of story. They are not reliable reporters of anything; -- another anecdote: a friend's father was claiming nursing home personnel had stolen his watch. His daughter-in-law couldn't find it anywhere in his space, so she was starting to think about how to frame her complaint. Then, for some reason, she noticed his right wrist under his long sleeve. There the watch was: the one place she hadn't looked -- upon his person. Of course, he'd never worn his watch on his right wrist in 75 years or more (he was 93 at the time). I'm not saying that people with dementia are always making things up, that people never steal from them and so on. Just that sometimes, a listener should verify before getting upset with third parties. And not hope for moments of clarity very often. There used to be Al Anon saying -- "He was crazy when he was drinking but as years went by, I became crazy all of the time." For dementia, "She was crazy because she had dementia, but I became crazy because I kept forgetting about the dementia."
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Lynnie, this is a suggestion. Bear with me.

1. Draw up a full account of your mother's finances over as many years and going in to as much detail as you think appropriate. You could consider also including an inventory of key family possessions, if you like.
2. Copy those accounts to all of your siblings.
3. Write to the mischief-making siblings pointing out that their accusations of financial impropriety are wrong; that they can see for themselves where they are wrong by referring to the account you've sent them; and that if they continue to make those accusations they are slandering you.

Try to do this calmly and patiently, and then with a bit of luck it should stop their silly mouths a bit.

Then that just leaves your mother. What she's saying to you must be very hurtful, but I doubt that it's all really the result of anything her sillier children have been saying. If her brain functions are getting poor, then her thoughts will be muddled and her feelings overheated, and she's verbally lashing out. It's horrible, and I agree with you that the worst of it for you is thinking that she might believe what she's saying.

Don't stop going to see her. Visit as you are in the habit of doing, and continue to reassure her as well as you can. There are good tips on the forum for deflecting and distracting people by changing the subject, introducing new activities or whatever. I really hope that you'll find that once you've got her mind onto happier subjects, this horribly hurtful phase will pass. Best of luck.
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You must present a united front with your siblings who are in agreement with your Mom's care. Have them speak with your Mom. If you stop going to see your Mom, it will only convince her that perhaps what the upsetting siblings are telling her is the truth. She gave YOU POA. She trusted YOU to help her in this instance of her failing health. While you have "not been back to visit her in two weeks", your upsetting siblings could be convincing her to change her POA to one of them. If that happens, are you or your Mom prepared for the consequences?

If these upsetting siblings change the POA and get on her bank accounts, they could drain her accounts and then the "remarkable place" your Mom is now in (which I assume is a private pay assisted living place) would no longer accept her if they are not getting paid. She would then have to been moved to a perhaps "not so nice" nursing home and things could get markedly worse for your Mom.

Nip the upsetting siblings "drama" in the bud and tell your Mom (if she can understand) that you and your siblings (who are supporting your care of your Mom) are making sure she is well taken care of and you will have none of that negative talk about her stealing her stuff.

Also have your siblings that agree with you speak with the upsetting siblings and tell them to back off! This is not about you but about the care of your Mom and it sounds as though you are doing the very best for her. You have kept excellent records and there is nothing you should fear from "authorities" should they inquire about accountability.

Again, do not remove yourself from this situation and let your upsetting siblings take over (which they will if what you say is true and they want her money) unless you are prepared to walk away from your Mom's care. Again, she made you POA because she trusted you to look out for her interests.
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My mother can't hear. People would tell her something and she would think they were saying something else. A large check had to be written to "Maryville Manor." She mistook that that a large check was written to her daughter, Mary.

So, I just don't believe everything that Mother says. She misconstrues everything. Are you certain that your siblings really said all of this?
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It sounds like this is a change in mental status for your mom, yes? You should report it to her doctor. With regard to evil siblings, maybe another family meeting is in order. Mom's dementia appears to be worsening and it may be necessary to obtain guardianship to prevent mischief from being done.
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it sounds as though your mom has some dementia, which can be a result of the stroke. Accusations and paranoia are pretty common in this circumstance, as well as confused or irrational thinking. My mother (who also had a stroke) sometimes has a vivid dream about an event and believes it really happened! Your story about being accused of stealing a baseball sounds like your mom could have dreamed this--unless she had a valuable souvenir baseball in her room! Check with her nursing home staff about their assessment of her cognitive and reasoning abilities. I would expect that they are aware of these issues with your mom, but professional caregivers don't take these things personally as family members do--they just brush the comments off with a soothing remark because they know the accusation will quickly be forgotten by the accuser. You should also bring this up with her doctor, who may be able to prescribe some meds to calm her and make your visits with her more comfortable and pleasant. Right now, it's your word against hers, and the siblings who believe her have no impartial versions of what's going on. I assume you have POA/HIPPAA for your mom's health care as well, so that health care providers can speak freely with you about her care. Good luck in resolving this, or at least getting things clarified, and again, please do not take the accusations personally!
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You were originally put in the position of being POA for a reason, I would assume. Your parent(s) were smart to choose one person to do the job and I bet when they were younger and thought this through, they knew for many reasons you'd do the best job for them. In our family (my husband's and mine) we have numerous situations that have existed with our parents and also, with our own kids and looking down the road, having learned some things from the way our own parents did things. My husband's mother was in total denial that her 'boys' were not the same when it came to their levels of responsibility and planning. She was sort of in a la la land state even when she was fine; wanted these two men who did things so differently to 'just get along'. The problem was, my husband (and I) saved, planned and never needed her money to fund our lives or retirement. Not the same with my BIL. My BIL's saying once that he thought of her money as his and that he had not planned for retirement was really of concern to my husband an me, but we could never talk sense to her. She never ran out of money but she never had the lifestyle she should have had at the end due to these issues and it caused such a rift between family members. We wanted the best for her and wanted her to spend her money to take care of her comfort and wellbeing. BIL didn't. We have made sure that of our six children, the ONE who we know has the best, most cooperative relationship with his wife, the one who shares our values and we have the best communication with, the one who plans best for his own life and family and also is in a profession that makes him the most 'expert' at healthcare issues and legal issues, is the ONE who is going to be our POA, executor, and the one we plan to move geographically to. We have written everything down; we set up a trust through an attorney and we work with two financial planners. We will not put him into a situation where he has to in anyway be "Solomon" and be forced to cut the baby in half. If course, not every eventuality can be planned for. But being in the real world and being realistic is a good start. If our son has to stand strong with any of his siblings or their spouses, he is the best one for the job. I think, since you said you are documenting everything and are doing only what you have been asked to do, you should tap your inner strength and remember you are doing your parents' wishes. You have the support thankfully of some siblings and when you are able, present a united front. Remember, a leader usually stands in front, alone often. You are doing your mom a great service. Try not to beat up on yourself or think you must have your siblings' approval. God bless you.
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Just re-read your post and one thing that jumped out at me this time was that you said that you have not visited for two weeks. You don't want to upset your mom and probably don't need another beating when you know you are doing what's right. It struck me that you are already doing what you need to do to care for her yet protect yourself and stay out of the fray. You don't have to subject yourself to any kind of abuse. So I wanted to give you another pat on the back. I think you are on to the right path already! You probably feel hurt that you are being cast in a negative light when you don't deserve it and you're here, actually seeking reassurance while somewhat second guessing yourself. Why? Cause you are a good person with a conscience. Your younger siblings don't seem to have your same character and your mother helped form that. Dry to become duck like and it it roll off your back.
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