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My 81 yo father spends a lot of time staying with my wife & I but my siblings contribute very little. It is causing tension in our house. My father spends 3-4 days a week with us, and we also provide meals for him when he is at home. When he is sick he moves in with us (3-6 weeks a time) unitl fit enough to go home. He makes no contribution at all, which is fine as money is not the issue for us. However, my two siblings live much closer to him and contribute very little financially go out of their way to spend time with him and it has evolved in the 3 years since my mother passed away that we'll do it all. Both siblings have 'borrowed' thousands of dollars from him over the years and never repaid him, whilst I have been financially independant of my parents (my choice). I feel growing resentment to my siblings that lately is manifesting as impatience towards Dad. I don't want to fall out with him but open communication on such topics I fear would not be well received to say the least. I would love some ideas to protect my relationship with Dad and ensure he is cared for.

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Verlaine, I am in a very, very similar situation, including siblings who have borrowed $ from mom over the years. I have 6 siblings, 3 are close by, 2 are less than 1 hour away, and one is in Virginia. I am in Mass.
I was asked to quit my job over 2 years ago, to stay home and care for Mom full time. Unlike my siblings, my husband and I have no cash to fall back on and are getting close to retirement age. Because of this, I told my siblings I would have to be paid my work salary and be reimbursed for the extra cost to put me on my husband's medical insurance. These were my terms if they wanted me to care for Mom.
The main reason I was "chosen", is that Mom owns a four family house, and I have lived in it for all but 2 years of 59. Dad died at the age of 54, and my youngest brother was only 13. I have been helping Mom all these years, and she depends on me for everything. Now that she has dementia and advancing Parkinson's, she has needed total care for the last 2 years. When I agreed to all this, my siblings also agreed to help out and watch her on weekends. Guess what?!!>> They always have excuses for not being able to show up! My husband and I have been away exactly 2 nights in the last 3 years, and were spending almost every weekend at home while I kept an eye on Mom.
Luckily she took out Long term Care insurance about 10 years ago, and after much paperwork, she is collecting on that. I have a CNA that now stays with her 35 hours a week, over the course of 5 days. She just started working the weekend days so that my husband and I could get some of our life back. I still have to deal with Mom every day and especially at night, but at least I now have some time to myself.
Take my advice and give up on your siblings. Everyone will tell you that the care of an aging parent, always falls on the shoulders of one child. Do what you can, and stop obsessing about the others. It will only make you bitter and cause you anguish. It won't make them act any differently. As for your resentment making you impatient with Dad, that's normal. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a tough road you are headed down, and if there is one thing the rest of us eventually learned, it's cut yourself some slack!!! Take one day at a time, and don't let what other people do or don't do destroy you!
Good luck and take care.
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I hear you! I have 4 other siblings who each has repeatedly said to me, "whatever choice you make w/ mom, we'll support that decision". I think this is very cowardly of them and do not feel much regard for them anymore. AND I am the baby of the family! But honestly, I would not want anyone other than myself taking care of mom. I may not be doing everything perfectly, but I know in my heart that I am doing the best I can, and know that my children will learn from this experience. Compassion towards others seems to be a lost character trait these days. It is not easy, but the worst is yet to come. Mom has COPD, Alzheimer's, and now cancer. She had surgery but is refusing chemo, therefore, we are preparing for a rough road ahead as the doctor has given very grim prognosis. I bear this burden alone, none of my siblings have offerred to come see her or help, only saying to call them when something happens (funeral arrangements). Mom asks me all the time if I hear from them, and if they love her. My mind wants to tell her that they are selfish inconsiderate excuses for human beings, but my heart tells me this will only hurt her. I tell her that they send their love and prayers, but are just so caught up in the stress of everyday life right now. It is truly heartbreaking. There are some days when I simply have to remind myself that if that were me in her condition, how would I want to be treated. God sees the heart and you are doing the right thing by taking care of your elderly parent. It is hard, but let go of the resentment, and take care of them the best you can while taking care of yourself. Keep up the good work, for your reap what you sow!
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I agree that it is a good idea to learn how to let the resentment go, and I believe that you are beginning to see this for yourself. It is justifiable that you feel the way you do, however, your resentment will not bring about any positive change in the situation, and will only (as you are beginning to find out) make things worse. Unfortunately, It is up to us, Those who ARE willing to care for parents, to shoulder the burdens that might accompany that responsibility. But we are also the beneficiaries of the joys, and the knowledge that we did the right thing. For me, those things are priceless.
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I am the 5th of 7 sisters, The only thing you can do is FOCUS on POSITIVE things like what GOOD FEELINGS AND MEMORIES you may have of the parent you care for,keep in mind that the time you spend with your parent now are Memories you will have and take with you with a clear conscience while your siblings will someday wallow in guilt and remorse. Try to focus on all the GOOD your parent has done for you and you in return are giving back. Trust Me I KNOW it's HARD but it makes each day for me go by a little faster knowing that I've done all i could do and that we can't make any of our siblings do anything they dont want or care to do,youll end up bitter and angry all the time and thats no way to live. Take heart in the FACT that you have us to vent to and we are all here for you as well as for each other. That's what it's all about in my opinion ;) Take care
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I am one of 5 siblings and volunteered (3 years ago) to be the one to help my Dad because I run my own business and have more flexibility with my schedule. Little did I know what this was going to turn into. It's true what everyone is saying that most of the work falls on one person. However, the way I look at it is I feel sorry for my siblings. They are missing out on so much. I look forward to my time with my dad at his care facility every day when I help him with his lunch. I do his laundry because I don't want it 'industrial cleaned" and I decorate his room differently every month so he always has something new and fun to look at. I buy his clothes, go with him to appointments, am very involved in the decisions on his care, etc. I had to go to court 5 times to become his legal Guardian and eventually his Conservator, racking up huge attorney fees....because my mother is mentally ill and has fought any help we've tried to give dad. But I am the one constant in his life and he never fails to recognize me. He tries so hard to talk to me but, unfortunately, he chooses wrong words. Because of the dementia, we have very interesting conversations! I will have all of these memories for the rest of my life. My siblings are the ones missing out! That's what keeps me going! I could never get angry with him because of what others are doing or not doing. I'm hoping that you can look at it that way too....the memories you'll be able to cherish for a lifetime will be yours'....and yours' alone!
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dstevenson, I am so sorry to hear you're going through so much right now. The dementia in itself is so difficult to deal w/. My mom has it as well and there are days she says the meanest things and it is all I have to remain calm and rational myself. She doesn't remember saying or doing those things and will apologize profusely if told what she said. It has to be very frustrating for them as well, imagine not knowing things from day to day, moment to moment. It sounds as though your mother's doctor should be able to manage her a little better (at least one would hope), Is she on any meds for depression or anxiety? I am always telling my husband that I do not want to live the way my mother is living, it has to be horrible. You are going through your own personal things and that makes it hard for you to take care of her, which I would think causes more stress than any of us can imagine. I still think your mother's doctor should be able to step in somehow and help out. My mom's doc has ordered in nurses and aids to come 2 times a week (after hospital stays) and medicare covers that until the nurses deem her well enough to be on her own (last time they came in for nearly 3 months). If a social worker was to see how she is acting she can help you/her w/ a decision to get her into a facility. Now, this has been my experience and would hope that you will get help from outsiders as well. My family does not help at all w/ my mom, and believe me, I know where you're coming from with that. But as far as your other personal and health issues I pray that will improve for you.
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Oh God can I relate to you. My mom passed away 6 years ago and I have been taking care of my dad until recently. My dad has always depended on me while my sister gets everything from him and more. This does bother me but I try not to dwell on it. She does absolutely nothing for him and tells me that she will do it when she wants to do it, not when she is told. I have recently had to place my dad in a nursing facility because he keeps falling in his apartment and has dementia. I feel so guilty because I cannot take care of him in my home because I do not have the space and my husband is very ill. I too have started to resent my dad but then I look at his pathetic face and I know that he depends on only me because she does not know how to care for him at all. It kills me because she has a life and I don't but I look at it this way - he took care of me when I was young and now it is my turn to take care of him. Even though he is he a facility I still don't feel like I have a life because I am always thinking about how he is even though I visit every day. My advice to you is to LET GO of your resentment towards your siblings because no matter how much I have complained about her, she is not going to change and because of my anger, I have ended up in the hospital twice in the last year. I had to make the decision of never to speak to her again because she only brings me pain when I ask her for her help with dad. I know it is hard but I put my head down on my pillow every night and feel good about what I do for my dad; your siblings cannot be feeling the same way. One day they will have to pay for what they have done and I don't know what faith you believe in but God is very good to me and he will be to you. One day they are going to be in the same position and no one will be there for them. Good luck and I will pray for the good Lord to continue to give you strength.
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Ed, Your advice is wonderful, but if siblings aren't willing to help out, theres no making them do so. My siblings all run to my mother when they can't pay their bills & not once has any of them paid her back. Now that she is ill & needs us, they're not there for her. Not one of them helps out in any way shape or form. I now have POA over her & no one borrows money from her. I moved her to my state last year, but prior to that she lived within 5-30 minutes from all other family, children, siblings, grandchildren, etc...not one of them ever helped her out. But to talk to any of them today, they will give a song & dance about all the things they tried to do for her when in actuality, the only time they stopped by to see her was when they needed to borrow $$, or that once a year visit at Christmas time (which again, they never took any presents to her but expected to receive $ from her). At some point, there's just the plain fact that the one child is going to shoulder this & as hard as it may be, we have to do it. It is hard work, and the only glory is within your own heart, b/c no one else is going to give you glory for your actions-believe me! The best we can do is vent to other caregivers who know what we're going through and understand the feelings we feel and help us work through them. And pray to God that you have a supportive understanding spouse! Thankfully both my husband & I agree that this is the circle of life and we are now in the stage of our lives where it is time for us to help care for our parents. It all comes full circle.
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I can totally relate. My 2 siblings do nothing to help with mom. My one sister hasn't even come for Christmas for the last 10 years. I don't speak to her anymore and I really don't care. My brother is an alcoholic and lives with my mother for about 2 years and ran up an outrageous amount of money on my dead father's credit card because they have the same name. When I took over mom's finances as POA I had to pay these debts off. Never saw a penny from him back to mom. He also ran her car into the ground while driving on the revoked list. I hope he can live with himself. Can't trust him at all, so I would never leave mom with him. My one sister helps me thank God, but I am the primary, also the youngest girl. My sister that helps me can retire but won't, and I plan to retire in Nov which I was going to do anyway, but now I get to do it and put my retirement plans on hold until mom is no longer here. Get outside help. The invisible siblings will never step up to the plate.
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I can sooo relate. I always heard this happening with other families and honestly thought it would never happen with mine. It did. And I too have felt tremendous anamosity toward my siblings. Hurt that they actually have abandoned this tremendous responsibility and hurt that they abandoned me during all this too. I too started to take my frustration out on my mom. My mom is 80 yrs old, has A-typical Parkinsons, is wheel chair bound, has A-fibrilation, and some dementia. My husband and I have been taking care of her for 2 years in our home and it is endless and exausting. We have finally come to the conclusion that there is no changing people. The only thing we have and you have control over is how we will deal with taking care of our parent. If they are unwilling to help with the care or decision making then take them out of the equation completely. Since I have done that it has helped with my piece of mind and my relationship with my mom. I no longer cringe when my mom asks me to "Pick out a nice B-Day card for your sister/brother for me." Here's what we did, We signed my mom up for adult day care the 2 days I have off during the week so I can do what I want to do for 7 hours (community program w/transportation to and from). And we have an Aide come in to get her ready in the morning 5 days a week so I can get myself ready for the day (through elder services). Finally, we hired a Private CNA to watch my mom on Sunday mornings for 5 hours so we can go to church, out to breakfast, or whatever and we don't have to worry about someone cancelling on us last minute. Check with community programs, your local church,etc. you will be surprised how affordable and helpful they are to you. The $$ are coming out of my moms social security and savings. After all that's what it's there for. Eventually she will deplete funds and qualify for straight Medicare in the event we can no longer care for her at our home. If that day comes at least I know I did everything I could do to take care of her and I will sleep well. The rest of my siblings however will be looking for their hand out of $$ and find it actually went toward taking care of my mom NOT THEM.
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