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To be clear, she’s done this for years — is she coming? When is she coming? Is she bringing her partner? Her son? Will she complain about the food? How long will she stay and if we aren’t nice enough, will she leave in a huff? Etc etc.
My parents always fell for this — even when I was the host — because “let’s just have a nice Christmas.” (Nice for who?)



Last year Dad moved down by me in AL, in our new state we moved to during the pandemic. So we managed to host a nice Christmas. Sister came, brought her family, gifts, we did the cooking and baking and cleaning and the tree and the outings — if you’ve been there, you know. It turned out pretty great, though my husband and I needed like two solid days of sleep to recover.



But this year she’s back to her old tricks.



First she told Dad in August she probably wasn’t going to make Christmas. Why? He’s very old and has early dementia and fifty other health problems. Why tell him *in August*?



But okay, husband and I decide, we can do a nice day with Dad and then surprise the kids with a mini getaway on the 26th (they are teens and we have never done something like that). My H was doing research and then, in September, we hear from my sister. They are coming! They already told Dad!



Okay, glad we didn’t tell the kids about the plan (Universal Orlando, if you are wondering) but it could be his last Christmas, let’s do the big family thing again.



Until today — message from Dad. “Your sister says she’s not coming for Christmas.”



No details. So now we need to check with her and find out and blah blah blah.



And it’s only October. Can’t I just say screw it and take the kids to Universal???? I mean, I know I can’t, but I still want to.

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Why can't you?

If you're going to cancel your plans for your dad, because this might be his last Christmas, that's one thing. To do it for a sibling who seem to enjoy playing passive-aggressive games? I have a sister like that, and I tell you it will be a cold day in hell before I change my plans because of her stupid games. If that means that ultimately, she's alone with her loser of a husband on Christmas, that's not my problem!

Go on your trip! You can always "do family Christmas" after the fact; do a joint Christmas/New Year's celebration with dad; you can magnanimously invite sis - or not! - as you see fit. Text sis and tell her "dad said you changed your mind about Christmas...is this true?" And if she starts with the nonsense, tell her that's fine with you guys, since you were thinking about changing up your normal Christmas plans anyway. DO NOT let her control you with this crap!
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Yes you can go on vacation with your kids! Don't let her call the shots for your family.
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Sure you can! Plan the Universal trip and stope letting your sister hold you hostage. She’s completely free to still come and visit dad, nothing about that requires your presence or free labor. Have a nice holiday with dad as planned and then go on your trip, have a great time no zero self induced guilt. And don’t discuss it even once with sister other than to say “sorry we’ll miss you”
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Go on your vacation. Spend Christmas day with Dad. If Sis changes her mind again she can spend time with just Dad. win-win.
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XenaJada Nov 2022
This is exactly what I would do
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This is why we don't do family Christmas.

Let sissy know when Christmas will be, tell her no presents this year, have that dinner and then tell her to have a great time with dad as you and your family are going on a trip to spend some quality time together. Only tell her you won't be there as you are saying goodnight for the evening.

I would inform her that due to circumstances that they will have to stay in a hotel or some place besides your home.

This could be dad's last Christmas but, it could not be. Stop dancing to her tune.
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Stop kowtowing to your mentally ill sister. Make our own Christmas plans. Either "we won't be here" or "we are having an open house pot luck on Dec xx".

If she says "no", requests a change or whatever say "that doesn't work for us".
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I agree you need to call the shots&she can work around your plans. My sister,her grown kids & 2 granddaughters have Christmas together. Mom and I are never invited. Last year I asked if we could come and got the run around. Kinda pathetic
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I know you guys are right, but this is what we are grappling with— Dad wants the whole family together and I’m supposed to make that happen (and why yes, I am the eldest daughter, why do you ask :)). I feel like when I set boundaries with her about stuff like this Dad ends up paying the price.
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lkdrymom Oct 2022
This is why you are being held, hostage. Tell Dad it is unfair to you to have to wait around for Sis to decide what she wants to do. She has until the end of October to make a choice. Then you will make other plans. All this to try and make your father happy ... which ends up making you very unhappy. Just tell Dad you are willing to work with her but you have no time for her "will she or won't she" games. Parents seem to have that one adult kid they expect to bend to appease everyone else in the family.
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Yes, you are right.You can't. You will have just to remain adaptable while your parent is living; then you can handle it any way you like. Wishing you luck.Isn't the old adage "Man plans; the gods laugh".
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TeethGrinder65 Oct 2022
I think this is terrible advice. Her father's wishes come before her husband and children? And her father's wishes are dependent on a flaky sister? No. She should make her plans. She does enough for her dad and deserves a vacation.
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I too see no problem. Make your plans. I would have the big dinner or Christmas Eve and leftovers on Christmas. If sister changes her mind again tell her that you made plans with the kids when she said she was not coming and you will not be home after Christmas Day. Because you won't be there, she will need to get a hotel room. Your teens deserve this get away. They will not be home much longer.

I don't play games anymore. If you are wishy washy concerning something that needs planning...I just go ahead and make my plans. Your life should not have to center around sister.
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I would do this: tell your sister you don't want to know what she's doing for the holidays this year, and here is what YOU are doing: XY&Z.


Why on earth 'can't' you take your kids to Universal?? Celebrate the holidays with your father before or after this trip to Universal, and that takes care of everything. Who cares WHAT your sister-the-manipulator winds up doing? Holding you hostage like this year after year is absurd, and you allowing her to do it is even more absurd! Put an end to it immediately. What your father 'wants' is not always possible for YOU to accomplish. Sorry dad, here's what I CAN do for you this year.

The end.
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"Dad wants" does not equal "I have to sacrifice everything I want".

Your kids and marriage ought to come first, in my mind.

In my family, we have a "second" holiday celebration. This started because we decided to stop trying to accommodate EVERYONE at one holiday meal. Everyone has their own family on "the day" and we have a larger non-sit down potluck a week later. Everyone gets to see everyone.
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lkdrymom Oct 2022
Good answer!
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"...So now we need to check with her and find out and blah blah blah..." Why on earth would you "check with her and find out"? She's already told you she's not coming. Accept that as fact. Your sister keeps pulling this crap because your family lets her. She's attention-seeking - hence the declaration in August and again in October; it's like her screaming "drumroll please" before announcing whether or not she'll be gracing you with her presence at Christmas.

Go ahead and make your Christmas plans. Accept that she's not coming. Treat her like an adult and take her word for it. Even if she changes her mind (again) that doesn't mean that you and your family have to bend over backward to accommodate her, her mood swings, or her whims. Enjoy Christmas your way!
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I'm not sure I understand the problem. Christmas is on the 25th, and you're leaving the day after.

Tell Sis that you'd love to see them, here are some hotels to choose from, and "we're leaving on vacation the day after, so we can't accommodate you at our house."

Better yet, there's this holiday called Thanksgiving. Shift the whole show to that date if their visit is required to be attached to a holiday. Personally, I'd do it a month after Xmas when the airfares, etc. are cheaper.

If she pushes back, be upfront with her."You said in August you weren't coming this year, so we've made other plans."

Then just leave it there to ferment.

To cut her some slack, I assume she didn't know you made other plans, so she can't really be blamed, can she? She's given more than two months' notice of her plans, so it's not like she's showing up unannounced. Just tell her you took her word for it that she wasn't coming, and other plans have been made.
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Of course you can take them and go to Universal! It’s your life, family causes you stress and pretty soon your kids will age out of the holiday wonder thing and want to be with their friends all holiday long. Go! The rest of them will be fine and nobody ever said you all have to be together keeping to an outdated celebration of misery (for what else could it be called)?
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Christmas is traditionally a season, not a day. Historically, it’s unlikely to be the birth day of Jesus. The season lasts until 12th night, 4th January, when you can celebrate the ‘end of Christmas’ – perhaps when you come back from your own family break. Invite Dad and sister+family for the 12th night celebration, so you can all get together with all the decorations up. Go for the ‘not more than $10 presents’, which also cuts out a lot of jealous comparisons (and you can pick up a lot of bargains as well). Taking down the decorations can be even more fun than putting them up!

You could do it for New Year instead of 12th night if you want, you will still have all the Christmas decorations and ‘fuss’. Talk it up with Dad as the best for all the family, and he gets two special days (do you have special TV all day on the 25th?).
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Stick to the plans YOU want to do with your family. If you really want to go then GO.
Who knows when it is any of our last Christmas, New Years, Valentine's day, or for that matter this may be my last Thursday on the face of the earth, I sure hope not but none of us have a crystal ball or bar code on our heal that tells us our "expiration date".
If sister "happens" to make an appearance and you and the family are gone...well she and her family can have a nice visit with dad.
Don't let her string you along. If she says one thing or leaves people hanging for her to work out her plans then make the plans you want. She probably knows that people will adjust their schedule to accommodate her and that is how she plans things. If she finds out that the world does not revolve around her plans she may begin to rethink the way she treats people.
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Beatty Nov 2022
You have given me a thought starter today.

What do I want this holiday season?

I'd like a nice meal too.

As I wade through the FOG, trying to be flexible, accommodate others, think of compromises... ha! Last year it became choosing the least worst option. And it did work well. A nice day to remember.

'The least worst option' may be worse again this year...

Time for a rethink.
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Yes you can. Sister doesn't have to stay at your house.

Do these things while your kids are still young. As the kids get older you will regret not doing them to appease dad and sister. Dad is being unreasonable and sister is just a nasty piece of work. I get he's 90 but come on why should your family be miserable just because dad doesn't care that sister is a flake and expects you to accommodate her whims.
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(Nice for who?) that's always the rub, isn't it?
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Have your nice day with Dad.
Take your holiday. If too late to book that trip, find another.

Your Sister's chronic can't commit behaviour is her problem. Therefore should have consequences for her - not you.

- Book what you want.
- Communicate it to her.
'Hey we are doing away this year, just letting you know'.
- then go
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I have booked a preChristmas trip for my family. I'm planning on enjoying myself.
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Margaret,

It always surprised me that a country that was mostly British in the beginning did not carry on some of the English traditions. My boss was from New Zealand. He ran a retail store. We got half day Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off. My MIL was from London. She made mince pies/tarts every year. I carry on that tradition. We do not celebrate the 12 days of Christmas as such. Usually by Jan 1 all the decorations come down. But, before I read ur post, I was going to say that Christmas actually goes 12 days.
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So Doingmybest73, did you go ahead and make your plans? I so hope so.
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I've never understood this "Wanting the whole family together BS" Yes, it's great if everyone wants it and you all enjoy each other's company but otherwise why?

Some things sound better that they actually are. But if there is always going to be one person doing it all or underlying tension then why bother?

Fulfilling someone's final request is great in theory but not always doable. That's life.
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I really do not understand why people always kow tow to one person. It should be the majority rules. My Mil always came late to anything I had. One was a childs party I was having. My MIL comes strolling in an hour late. Of course I did not hold up the party for her. My FIL asked me wasn't the time they came correct, I said no, it was for an hour before and MIL had been told the time.

Your sister is very inconsiderate and should have been put in her place years ago. I hate wishy washy people. I usually end up just doing whatever I want.
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Take the kids on vacation. Sounds like she will bail out at the 11th hour. Sister does not get to delegate holidays or what you do with your own family.

If she gripes and moans about your leaving, tell her she was being so wishy-washy that you couldn’t rely on her showing up. So you felt it best to follow through on the vacation.

Example: “You just told dad you weren’t coming, so we told the kids about the trip. We can’t take that away from them (or any money you’ve deposited) now that you’ve changed your mind again.”

Does sister not want to pay for a hotel?
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