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My partner(29) and I(26) have been together for 3 years. Our partnership has had an unimaginable amount of very difficult hurdles and we've always been able to work our way over them. He's an incredibly caring person with a heart of gold and an absolute hard ass who doesn't put up with BS and works his ass off. He protects me as a trans woman and doesn't put up with disrespect aimed at me. From friends or family.



Recently his 94 year old Grandmother has been increasingly unable to care for herself. From the short time I've known her she's been incredibly independent for her age and shows no signs of cognitive issues. But her refusal to admit that she needs help has ended up causing her more harm. Between infections from gardening, not eating properly, improper hygiene due to mobility issues, and falling everywhere, she's at a point where she has finally asked for help because of a recent fall scare. Because of my partners positive history with her, he wants to step up.



She's offered us to move in with her, rent free, aside from assistance with utilities. I just worry how this could negatively impact, not only our relationship, but our well-being. He works a high stress, very physically demanding job, and even before this last incident, his grandmother has always been a topic of worry for him. She currently can't walk well because of her last fall and requires assistance getting around while she heals. She can't hear very well at all(working on getting her hearing-aids), and she also can't speak english. Care would require making sure the house stays clean, helping her move around the house while she heals, getting her to doctors appointments, making her food, and ensuring proper hygiene.



As for the relationship between her and I, aside from the initial curious stare I got from her upon our first meeting, she has been very loving towards me. Despite the language barrier, she seems to have become very fond of me. She asks how I am, insists that I come over more often, and frequently compliments me when I'm not around. She's also incredibly hilarious. My partner translates the jokes she makes for me, and while out of pocket, they make everyone laugh. I do genuinely care about her. Unfortunately she's also a massive horder. I understand why, but it has to be fixed if we decide to move in. Infact it has to be fixed regardless because it's a general hazard for her at her advanced age. I worry that she won't be very fond of us putting a lot of her things inside a storage unit and it may create resentment.



Anyway. Sorry for the long post, but I just need to know if it's a good idea. I know there's potential for us to learn from this experience. Being a part of the end of her life. Because despite her strength, she's showing heavy signs I haven't mentioned that it may be drawing to an end. And because of how close my partner is to her, I feel like it may be important for his grieving process. I just worry about the potential toll that it could take on our relationship.



Edit: I wanted to discuss a few more of my fears. I worry about our intimacy, privacy, and our social life. I've seen the horror storys on here about people who have been in longer relationships that are facing similar situations. I don't want that to happen to us.

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Aldani, welcome!

What jumps out of your post is that your loved one's grandmother is a hoarder. Hoarding is a complex mental illness which requires professional interventions that go beyond simple "cleanouts".

I would never, NEVER go into a family caregiving situation like the one you are thinking about without a clear understanding of the person's physical and mental health diagnoses and prognosis, durable POA for medical and financial affairs and a caregiver contract drawn up by a lawyer specifying duties, payment and means of termination.

Do not give up your present living accommodations without clearly understanding how much work you're undertaking now and how much work it is likely to become.

Mare sure that your partner and gma understand Medicaid regulations in her state so that when/if facility care becomes a necessity she hasn't run afoul of those complex rules.
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Could work well & be a beautiful journey.. or be a slippery slope to ruined relationships.

A little supervision & company? Some help around the house in return for cheaper rent?

Or all day / intermittent hands-on assistance, every day, preventing one of you from leaving the house for paid employment. Working in opposite shifts, no couple time.

Helping someone live mostly independently, with a little help is very very different to keeping a person in their home who is/has become fully dependant on others.

A spectrum from: Helping..to..Enabling.

Having a clear picture of Grandmother's needs is a good starting point. Then being realistic about what you/partner can offer.

Heartfelt wishes & love are not enough - certainly not magical superhero style thinking either (just checking in with partner here..).

Keep your practical thinking hat on.

If you wrote out what the tasks would be *just the facts* what would the list be?
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If you're that determined to ruin your relationship I can think of much faster and simpler ways than moving in with a hoarder.

Moving into such a situation is pure lunacy.
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Don't move in with her, it will never work.
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Are you also employed? Who is going to be there during the day to assist Granny? If it's supposed to be you, what happens to your financial future during those years?

Granny has some nerve expecting help with utilities. Not only should she be covering all household expenses, but she should also be paying the caregiver (you?) a salary with taxes taken out.

And she is a hoarder and doesn't even speak English?

To go through with this plan? Well, that way lies madness.
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The simple answer to your question would be a hard NO. Do NOT move in with her as that will be the end of what seems to be a caring and loving relationship at this point.
Your partners grandmother requires more help than either of you can possibly give her, and it's unrealistic to think that things would work out. All of us on here that have been or are currently caring for a loved one can tell you that it is by far the hardest job we've ever done, with little or no time left for ourselves, and it definitely takes it toll on you. So go in with eyes WIDE open.
And hoarding is a mental disorder and can't just be fixed overnight. It takes many years for a hoarder to take the steps needed to change their ways. And at her age, I highly doubt that she will ever change.
Instead your partner should be looking into ways to either hire some help(with her money of course)to come in and assist her or be having the talk with her about moving into the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires, and he can get back to just being her loving grandson and advocate.
Best wishes in getting this all figured out.
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The simple answer to your question would be a hard NO. Do NOT move in with her as that will be the end of what seems to be a caring and loving relationship at this point.
Your partners grandmother requires more help than either of you can possibly give her, and it's unrealistic to think that things would work out. All of us on here that have been or are currently caring for a loved one can tell you that it is by far the hardest job we've ever done, with little or no time left for ourselves, and it definitely takes it toll on you. So go in with eyes WIDE open.
And hoarding is a mental disorder and can't just be fixed overnight. It takes many years for a hoarder to take the steps needed to change their ways. And at her age, I highly doubt that she will ever change.
Instead your partner should be looking into ways to either hire some help(with her money of course)to come in and assist her or be having the talk with her about moving into the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires, and he can get back to just being her loving grandson and advocate.
Best wishes in getting this all figured out.
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Are YOU prepared to become her caregiver?
With a high stress, demanding job I doubt your SO will be able to do all that will be necessary.
Living in her home rent free is not adequate compensation for being a caregiver.
If you have had a lot of "unimaginable" hurdles not living with grandma and being a caregiver it will not get easier.
One thing that might make it easier..If she qualifies for Hospice you would have a Nurse that would come at least 1 time a week and a CNA that would come at least 2 times a week to help with bathing and ordering supplies. You would get all the equipment that you would need as well as all the supplies that you would need,
BUT
This is not going to be easy on your relationship.
This is still HER house. And she probably will not let you forget it.
IF you decide to do this you need a Caregiver Contract.
You should get paid for caregiving. (legit, taxes taken out and reported so that your Social Security quarters are counted)
You need to decide what your "line in the sand" is. At what point will you no longer be able to care for her. AND there needs to be a plan for that.
And I would suggest that any contract be able to be reviewed in 6 months so if you realize that you can not do this there can be other plans made.
And does she qualify for any other services? Or can she afford to pay another caregiver at least 2 times a week so that you get a break. And so that you and you SO can get out and have some time for yourselves.
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I would advise a gentle "no" to go along with all of the hard nos.

Going to assume ya'll don't have a lot by way of your own possessions, that moving in with someone who has occupied .. I'm going to make a very mild guess here -- every wall of the house (ie there are no walls without furniture or stoarge totes or w/e against them) doesn't seem daunting.

In a hoarder's house there will be no room for your life. Also, any large changes in that environment might show you that she isn't as 'with it' as she might seem. There's a lot that can be hidden when someone is living alone in the same places for ages.

Even fully "healthy" (non-dementia'ed) removing a hoarder's horde and replacing it with yourself will direct the full bent of her attention onto you. You would need to be ready for that.

And then if she does start sundowning or whatever and suddenly stops recognizing you... oof. Then you're up from later afternoon till 2am and you're in a situation where she can't be left alone etc.

My mom is pretty with it and I have to schedule sitters if both of us want to leave the house. The last time we were able to leave the house with her staying by herself was in July. Then we had a romantic getaway to my specialist dr's appointment in November when hospice sitters could give me coverage.

I was all about the phiosophical/social/spirital/experience of helping someone to the end of theri journey. It's not that I am not now.. but it means you need to *stop your own, completely*, if you do it this way. And that is a lot to ask of anyone. For many it is too much.

You will think you're strong enough. You will think you've dealt with so much already that this can't be hard.

Then next thing you know there's 'nighttime agitation' and the commode in the corner and alarms going off five times a day and you realize, oh oh boy, this isn't that romanticized "I promised I would never leave you alone".

Hubby and I spent years apart fussing with immigration. That is probably the only reason our relationship can still survive. We're in the same house and we're miles apart.

As for intimacy hahahahahahahaha ;) You better already be pretty hardened to energy drinks ya'll need it :D
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What jumps out at me is that you count on him to protect you “as a trans woman” from “disrespect.”

This sounds like it could create many fights, especially as her filters come down.
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I agree, you really don't want to get involved in this. I have lived with a hard of hearing man for 41 years. He misses words and then misinterprets what has been said. Throw a language barrier into the mix...
Right now BF interprets what Gma says but that won't happen when ur not there and it can be frustrating when ur trying to find out what a person needs.

Caring is more than what you have listed. What if she can't toilet herself, are you willing to clean her up, put Depends on her. Bathe her. You will not be able to do anything about a hoarder. IT IS HER HOME so things go her way. Once you start this, it will be very hard to back out.
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Aldani, I am thinking from the other side of the coin. Your boyfriend's grandmother reminds me of my Dad. Dad, who was also in his 90's, was very independent per say until Mom passed, and had a great sense of humor. But Dad was a major fall risk.

When Dad needed to have caregivers, if one caregiver was unable to do their shift, the Agency would put out a call, and other caregivers where trying to get that shift as Dad was so easy going. Everyone loved working for him. Same happened when my Dad moved to senior living, which was his idea to do so.

So, care for the Grandmother might work out. But first, the hoarding issue needs to be addressed, and that will not be easy. There seems to be a comfort zone to those who hoard that "stuff" is that it feels like a cocoon. You and your boyfriend will definitely get a push-back from Grandmother. I would not move in until this major problem is solved.

If you can watch the hoarding shows on TV, it will give you an insight on how the hoarder feels. You can find "Hoarders" on A&E and Lifetime.
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Gosh. This is a 'no'. It doesn't sound like your partner will have the availabilty required to make this work, given all the obstacles.
Hopefully the plan doesn't hinge on you being the caregiver?
Where are her children? Who has her power of attorney?
This isn't a good situation to put you in. But I would talk with your partner so as to not assume how he feels about her end of life care or that he's on board with this plan. If she has end of life wishes, best to get those on paper now with an advanced care plan so that it's clear.
(The hoarding itself will be a deal breaker-a 95 year old hoarder isn't going to change. Cleaning out her house will likely lead to resentments, as you suspect, and possibly disorient her.)

''From the short time I've known her she's been incredibly independent for her age and shows no signs of cognitive issues. But her refusal to admit that she needs help... Between infections from gardening, not eating properly, improper hygiene due to mobility issues, and falling everywhere''...
She has cognitive issues, they just don't look like what you'd expect.
''Care would require making sure the house stays clean, helping her move around the house while she heals, getting her to doctors appointments, making her food, and ensuring proper hygiene.''
She's not going to snap back at 95. Current frailty will lead to more mishaps requiring increased levels of care.
I respect that you want to be kind, but his grandmother can't function alone. You will not reach a day where you will be able to leave once you're in. All you'd be doing is providing her with the illusion that she's independent. That's very kind to do towards the end of someone's time here, but not tenable as an open ended plan without a definite expiration date, nor is it fair to hinge it all upon someone's partner.
You're talking about a full time job for a person who needs 24/7 care. If you haven't spent 48 hours with her lately, you should both go ahead and stay over one weekend to get a sense of what this would entail. Have your partner do all the work.
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Beatty Dec 2022
"48 hours with her"

Brillient suggestion. A 'trial of care'.

Then you leave. Discuss at length. This approach was sometimes used in rehabs (pre Covid) when family members had rosy glasses or superhero capes on. 48 hours of reality cuts through good intentioned wishes.

Then.. a new, realistc plan can be made.

Not by Grandmother. It's for the Caregiver-to-be. You & partner will have clearer ideas on what YOUR plan will be.
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The few things that jump out at me in your post right off the bat are:

-Unfortunately she's also a massive horder. I understand why, but it has to be fixed if we decide to move in.

Hoarding doesn't get 'fixed'. It's an anxiety disorder that a psychologist is hired to deal with the person on TRYING to manage. It rarely works. If you clean out the woman's hoard, she'll be livid and just bring more stuff in.

- She can't hear very well at all(working on getting her hearing-aids), and she also can't speak english.

Grandma can't hear AND she can't speak English. How exactly do you plan to bathe this woman when you can't speak her language AND she can't hear what you're saying OR understand it? JUST a hearing problem alone is enough to drive a sane person off the deep end, with all the WHAT'S and the misinterpretations of what's been said, never mind not understanding the language being spoken in the first place. A real recipe for disaster, to put it mildly!

-I worry about our intimacy, privacy, and our social life. 

What 'intimacy, privacy & social life'? It'll vanish in short order once you move in with an elder who requires 24/7 care. #Truth

You already know the answer to this question in your heart of hearts. Don't make a decision you'll live to regret. While grandma has showed heavy signs that the end of her life is drawing near, don't be fooled. She can wind up living another DECADE. My mother was drawing near to the end of her life for AGES before it finally happened, at 95, with advanced dementia, congestive heart failure, pulmonary hypertension, neuropathy, afib, and being wheelchair bound with incontinence for 3 years at play (w/c for 3 years; incontinence for 6). My 'uncle' George was just under 102 when he passed a couple of weeks ago. In reality, it can take a VERY long time for an elder to finally pass away b/c the human body is a REMARKABLY strong machine. This is not to say anyone is 'wishing' grandma TO die, just that it can take quite a long time for it to actually happen, wreaking havoc on YOUR lives in the process. You & your b/f are 26 & 29........it's a big commitment to take on, in reality.

Wishing you the best of luck
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Thank you all for your support. I saw a lot of the same issues being brought up and I discussed them with my partner. He said he would like to exhaust every resource he can before making the move. As for a POA, that's going to be given to him and his mother. He also strongly stated that he doesn't want to move her to a facility as it has never been an option for any of his dying relatives. I reiterated that moving in would put a massive strain on not only him but our relationship. He reassured me that I wouldn't have to take the brunt of the care, stating it's his responsibility and his stress doesn't matter. I'm very worried that he's going to reach his limit and put his health in jeopardy. His family sees him as the youngest and most capable. Because of that everyone aside from his adoptive mom has stepped up, the rest refusing to help.

On top of everything, we were told by a family member that Elderly protective services have been called to assess her living situation. I don't know exactly what this could entail or what could potentially happen.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2022
When APS is called to assess a potentially dangerous home environment for an elder, it could mean grandma will be placed in a facility against her will, if APS determines she's in danger where she's at.
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Absolutely not. Neither of you knows enough about caregiving a hoarding, non-English speaking, elderly, frail, only partly mobile, hard-of-hearing probably demented and certainly mentally ill person (the hoarding). In fact, no one in the world would know exactly how to manage this mess. If you value your partner and relationship, you both need to sidestep this upcoming train wreck and get on with your lives. Run! Now! Anything else would be disastrous for both of you.
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Your partner is “an incredibly caring person with a heart of gold”, who is up for serious challenges. He sees himself as coping with most things. Here are some points for you both to think about:

1) You have both “always been able to work our way over .. very difficult hurdles”. Personal in-home aged care is not a hurdle you can overcome. It gets worse, not better, it can last far longer than expected, and it only ends with death.

2) Your partner “doesn't want to move her to a facility as it has never been an option for any of his dying relatives”. Dying at home is quite do-able, and I was happy that my mother died at home with me as her carer – from cancer, over a 3 month period. That’s not at all the same issue as an open-ended care commitment, increasing over months and years.

3) Living (not dying) in a facility may genuinely not have been an option for his relatives, depending on where they lived and what was available for their family. Your partner should check out appropriate facilities close to where you live, to make sure that he really understands what they are like.

4) Communication is hard enough with the elderly, without a language barrier making it harder. It could help to contact a support agency to suggest services that provide staff with the right language. Where I am, there are facilities actually run by the major migrant communities, and others who have some staff (even if they aren’t professionals) who can be rostered to spend time with a person with limited English.

5) A ‘trial run’ is a very very good idea, whether it’s one or both of you. Perhaps 48 hours is enough, but longer might be better. It’s simply not sensible to make a permanent commitment to the unknown. I’d suggest that each you spends some time there on your own. For your partner, he will get a clearer idea of what’s involved. For you, gender issues may make things less usual, but it is very common for a MIL to be very demanding of a DIL. It’s even more common, coming from a culture where it’s expected.

6) “She's finally asked for help”, but her track record up to now suggests that she doesn’t accept advice or sensible ‘rules’ willingly. She may quite probably want ‘help on her terms’, and that can be very frustrating as well as dangerous.

I hope that thinking through these ideas will be useful for all of you. Best wishes, Margaret
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Everyone else has made excellent points so I won’t repeat them.

I will only say these few words. Don’t do it!
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Uh-oh. Once a partner even STARTS to broach the topic of possibly moving in with/caring for an old relative, look out. If you object, somehow, ever so subtly, you become the “bad guy.” But NO! Just NO! You would be out of your mind to even consider this, and so would he. Idea: have him take time off from whatever this demanding job he has, and go deal with her for a bit. Then let HIM conclude the obvious: NO WAY!
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Don’t do it!

Being male, your partner won’t want to do things like toileting or bathing her. That leaves those jobs up to you.
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