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If your father is unable financially to continue to pay for your grandmother's care facility, see if she can obtain Medicaid and have them pay. This way your grandmother still obtains the care she needs.

Your grandmother sounds like a dream to care for.....docile, kind, funny...Wow! I wish my mother was all of those things!

Although I believe you have a wonderful heart and compassion for your grandmother, I have to wonder if possibly you may be making the wrong decision. Your fiance does not want you to do it as he does not want to become involved in her care. He sees himself losing you and your relationship to your grandmother and he doesn't want that. This is a huge responsibility right before you marry someone and could cause your relationship to break apart. He is trying to warn you.

Try to see if you can find the finances to continue with the care your grandmother needs in the facility even if you need Medicaid. If all else fails then you can step in but try everything else first. This is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT AND TAKES A TOLL ON YOU MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY.
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Although your intentions are wonderful and loving, I would suggest you not become your grandmother's primary care giver or move her from where she is happy. I would talk with the facility and see if there is some way they can work things out for the next few months financially. My mother-in-law retired early to take full time care of her mother from home. It literally nearly killed her. Finally my MIL's doctor stepped in and insisted she get some help with her mom. It still took a huge toll. Your grandmother is happy where she is. If you take her out you may not be able to get her back in the facility in a few months. It would be better to contribute financially for her care there if you can. I am trying to help my Aunt who is blind, elderly and widowed. My late uncle "knighted" me as the person to go to for help and assistance. On top of our four living parents we have this 5th "parent" who is impossible to deal with. It is a nightmare. It is so bad that my eldest said that when he grows up he is going to leave the country so all the family stuff does not fall on him. I told my kids that if I gave them half the trouble my aunt did they should stick my on the curb with a "Free to a good home" sign around my neck. You love and treasure your grandmother, but if you become her primary caregiver you are taking on a burden that cannot easily be put down and you may come to resent her for it... and that will break you heart. Trust me.
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I have been taking care of my parents for 15 years, they became seriously ill in their fifties. The reason i am so devoted is because i did not care for my grandmother when she required nursing care. I will always regret that because she always took care of me. I was young and i did not know how broken or overwhelmed the system is. Yes there might be more nurses at the nh, but no one will car for like a grand daughter. And if it becomes overwhelming you can always pi her back in nh once the money is available, but in the meantime maybe this is an opportunity to spend a very special time with her.
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Parents are responsible to take care of their offspring and it is their job to show them how to take care of themselves. No child owes anyone anything for being brought up and cared for. If you want to do things for parents or grandparents, this is great, but it is not because you owe anything, it is out of love, perhaps appreciation, but "owing" brings a ton load of guilt and shame with it in my book, just my opinion.
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I loved my grandmother and i love my parents and that is why i am a caregiver. I don't owe them anything. When you owe money, love is not involved or felt. I am a caregiver due to my love for my parents, but first love of God--honor thy parents.
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what?
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I said the same thing to my pastor, and I was told yes God wants you to honor your parents, but that doesn't mean you give up your family or life. It says to cleave to your husband once married.
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Hopefully I can add something without ticking off people unnecessarily. My perspective is similar to the above---honoring thy parents. But here is an actual story of someone from Asia and from a Buddhist culture. This young lady works as an RN at a local community hospital in the LA area. When her mother came down with an illness some years ago, her older brother began to care for her until the mother passed away last year. This young lady flew back twice a year each for a month to care for her mom. Usually, man are presumed to have a family already living in Asia at the age of 40s and 50s, coming from a middle class family. She did not say it but we can identify with her that she was torn between her career, her responsibilities here and her love for her mom. I mean it in a sense that there would be times some of us aren't able to be back with our parents or closed ones because of the line of duty. This young lady's mother also cared for her father until he passed away about seven years ago.

The other side of the discussion is that we do see many partially neglected seniors in the US, and now probably also in Asian countries that are rapidly transitioning towards the modern economy. Probably not more than 50% now in the US at each local center. Even if it were 10%, 20%, that's a large number that many nurses, nurse assistants and doctors do witness quite regularly. True that these seniors are probably better cared for than would be at home as it is. But the care and longevity are better off when someone from the family can step up or step in the picture.

One semi-retired dentist in fact wants to make the care giving to be important in my local immigrant community by organizing a day to honor the grand parents right around the Thanksgiving weekend when seniors are showered with gifts, for those who are above a certain age and are still able to come out to the event. He wrote recently that he is thankful for the opportunity he has for being able to take care of his mother. He is probably a grand father himself already. Many of us, care givers, are likely struggling daily. But we can always look at this as our opportunity to be there together in the remaining years. For some, it is our love and our blessings. A local pastor often asks this insightful question on his radio program if there are things in our life that we are willing to die for.
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Another what?
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Do what you can let others do what you can't.
Grand mother is n s faciltiy that tat
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Sorry about the above post, don't know what my computer did.
Re-reading the above answers this morning the one thing that stands out is the fiancé's concerns. Are they for you or himself? before making any decisions about grandmother you really need to look at the stability of your personal relationship. Your fiancé is right in expressing his concerns, they are all probabilities and some certainties. At such an advanced age things change in a split second. Have a long talk with the director of nursing at your grandmother's facility and ask her to tell you all the horror stories? It is not a pretty picture. Are you prepared for the possibility that this sweet old lady will turn into someone who refuses to keep her clothes on, screams for her dead husband all night, has to be tied in her chair, removes her diapers and plays with the poop and has to be spoon fed but won't open her mouth. Yes this can happen as others will attest to.
As far as the financial side of things goes. I do not understand why your parents are paying for the nh at all unless grandmother has a great deal of money that has been turned over and they are waiting for the "look back" period for Medicaid to expire which is currently five years and includes all assets she owns not just money. if she has been in the current facility which sounds above average for over six months with private pay Medicaid can not force her to move to some where less desirable at least not in New York State.
Your heart is in the right place but please please look at all aspects of this before making a decision it has to be right for you. Of course grandmother would prefer to be at home but if you bring her to your house it won't be "home" and if you two move into her old home it still won't be the independence she may crave because you and your fiancé will be supervising her. Think care fully and may God be with you in your decision, if you are patient he has a way of working things out.
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Such a sweet granddaughter, please don't do this to yourself. Listen to your fiance. No one can imagine all of the complications that arise in care giving situations. Keep your happy memories of your grandmother. No matter how kind they seem most seniors wind up turning on their caregivers, taking out all of their anger and frustrations on them.

I am well into my fifties, happily married for 30 plus years. My 80 + yr old mother came to live with us 7 months ago. It has devastated us in ways that could never be predicted. No one should try to do this alone at any age, especially not during their 20's. You can never get the time back.

We are far from wealthy, but I can honestly say I would have to think twice about doing this again if I were offered a million dollars for one year. In our situation there is little physical energy used in caring for my mother, she can still do the physical things for herself. The emotional and mental drain is beyond anything imaginable.
Sadly the great majority of seniors give off more negative energy than anyone can imagine until they have tried to live with them.

Then there is the criticism you will get from other relatives. They do not want to care for grandma, but want to criticize the one who does. Please don't scar your self in this way.
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Amen, Donna!!!!! I am with you. I am just starting my fifties. I have an independent (but not really), self medicating, narcissist mother living down the road from me. My dad with dementia on hospice is in the same town in a nursing home. Luv them both but so so so hard..... I moved them here so I could care for them and that's what I've done because NO ONE else stepped up to the plate. I am the primary caregiver for both, her mostly as she does not drive etc... It is exhausting. My life is in upheaval. I know that when my mother runs out of money (which will be soon), she cannot come and live with me and my family because it will ruin us. It has already had devastating effects on my healthy, my relationship with my husband, my friends have all gone etc... One of the reasons she has no money is because my sister has been siphoning it from her for years.

So I hope our poster heeds all this good advice here to leave Grandma happy and safe in the NH and go and visit her as much as possible.

luv to all,

-SS
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I started taking care of my grandmother when I was 27 (I'm now 32), along with my brother (who was 19 and is now 24) and it is one of the hardest things I've ever done. My life is basically on hold (with employment opportunities, starting a family, etc). I've been by my grandmother's side with her two breast cancer surgeries, a mini stroke, CONSTANT revolving doctor's appointments that will make your head spin, occasional ER visits, macular degeneration, dementia...the list goes on. I wash her hair, bathe her, do her laundry, dispense all of her meds, makes sure she takes her meds, makes sure she has regular bowel movements and then wipe her bottom when she has accidents...I also check her bottom for bed sores, make sure she eats to keep her weight up, and then I clean her house, manage her calendar/appointments, and provide the transportation/coordinate with my brother to take her if I can't. It is a serious job! Unfortunately, we had no choice. My mom is very sick herself and cannot help, and my uncle is not reliable enough to care for her...so...it is what it is. She is requiring more care, but she refuses to live outside of her home, but she can't afford to private pay for home aides on a long-term basis. It's making for a big confusing situation meeting with our Elder law attorney, financial planners, social workers, etc trying to determine the best care for her. Good luck with your decision. I don't want to scare you, but this is our reality. I love my grandmother, but I regret not being able to have my own life (yes it sounds selfish)...my friends have baby bottoms to wipe, but I have a 90 year old bottom to wipe instead. I am happy to be part of my grandmother's care, but my life is definitely strained.
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I'm going to go ahead and say it: i think that you think, this would be better and more enjoyable than having to go work a regular job.... you can make your own hours, you can stay home, make your own decisions, etc. Because the "right" thing is what is best for your grandmother and you caring for her is not the right or best thing for her as you have no idea what you are doing and could actually harm her.
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