So I don't really know where to start but basically 2 weeks before we were supposed to move in together, my gf's mother was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer.
She went to live with her parents and it's looking like we won't be able to move in together for a long time. Initially I wanted to break up because I didn't want to do long distance, but she wanted it to work. She says we can go back to dating/talking and see where it goes from there. We have plans to be together for Thanksgiving and we talk seldom on the phone, but this situation is too hard for me.
I really wanted to live with her and start our lives together, but she tells me of the bond she has with her mom and the love of her family and that she will always go to them when they need her (she has reiterated this on several occasions). We have been communicating less and less. We live in separate states and weekends aren't always off for me.
Another issue is that I'm a in the military so I don't choose where I live. I would need at least 8 months more to join her, but I can't organize anything since I don't know if she will still want to be together by then, or worse she finds someone else whom she is interested in.
On the one hand I feel like she doesn't care enough about me and on the other I feel insensitive and selfish for asking of all that.
So, I guess I needed your input since you might understand what she's going through.
My ex-husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in 2020. None of our adult children moved in with him.
What sort of care does the mom need?
You were expecting to move in with your girlfriend and your plans have gone by the wayside. You are in limbo right now. Uncertainty is always uncomfortable.
Your gf has made her decision to care for her mom and be close to her family during this time.
I feel like this situation is going to either make or break your relationship.
I would fear that she is focusing solely on her mother right now. This is her priority at the moment. Yet, she hasn’t written you off entirely.
I think you are wise to question how you feel at this point in time. You have a right to choose how you feel.
Judging by what you have stated, you still have strong feelings for her and she has strong feelings for you.
Naturally, you’re upset about not moving in together because you won’t see her often.
I understand that you don’t have all of the options that you would like to have in the military. It’s frustrating.
My nephew was in the army. He was sent to the Middle East five times. His first relationship ended due to him being away for so long.
It’s difficult to be a military wife. His wife was lonely and was basically a single mother due to him being away. Their marriage didn’t last.
Then my nephew met another woman who was extremely independent and unlike his first wife, she had no problem with moving to new locations or being at home alone with their children. They are still happily married.
So, in many respects your gf could have to be in the same situation as you are with her right now. You are committed to the armed forces. It’s tough anyway that you look at it.
Would you expect her to wait for you? Sh*t happens. Life gets in our way. We have to decide if we want to stick it out or not.
I certainly wish both of you all the best. I hope it works out well for you. Take care and thank you for serving our country.
You aren't married. Love isn't enough. There have to be shared understandings and agreements about many basics in life, and I am grateful you have met this one now. It doesn't bode well that you cannot allow for some time and see where this is going; it means you are not invested for the long term and that your relationship is more one of need than of shared understanding. That's fine. It is best recognized.
I would tell her that you have this limitation, embrace it, and you should remain friends and move on with your lives would be my advice.
I don’t see that here. I have been in a long-distance relationship that ended in marriage after 2.5 years, and although there was no formal commitment for the first 2 years, neither of us ever wavered in our moving forward process. If either of us had, I’d have seen the handwriting on the wall - that it wasn’t a strong enough feeling between us.
I see your girlfriend’s commitment to mom as a negative and her repeated announcements about family blah blah blah as a way of letting you down step by step. Sorry, but she may not be a keeper.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, chances are it's a duck.
Good luck. Please don't wait around too long for a woman who can't prioritize her life by loving her bf AND her mom at the same time.
I just read your question again. Do you mind answering a few questions for me please?
How long have you been in a relationship with your gf? Was this a whirlwind relationship? Sometimes people mistake passion or infatuation with a deeper kind of love. Do you think that she is questioning your relationship in general?
I’m not saying that whirlwind relationships can’t turn into a lasting relationship, sometimes they do, other times they don’t.
Things must have been pretty good for the two of you to take it to the next step. I know that she is close to her mom and that she can’t help but be affected by her mother’s cancer diagnosis.
Do you know what her mom’s prognosis is? Has she shared anything with you about how long she expects to be with her parents?
Do you have a suspicion of your gf having cold feet about moving in together and then this situation with her mom gave her an out?
I would ask her direct questions and if she truly cares for you she will give you direct answers. If she beats around the bush, I would move on in your life.
Hey, I know a couple who split up and years later ended up back together. My best friend dated someone for a long period of time. They went their separate ways, dating different people.
My friend even married another guy. After she divorced her husband she wasn’t seeing anyone for a long time.
Her ex boyfriend heard it through the grapevine that she was divorced and called her up. Guess what? They ended up getting back together.
So, while I would never say to wait around for someone, if the relationship is meant to be, it will happen.
I don’t think it is fair for her to expect you to hold space for her. She hasn’t given you any time frame at all how long she expects to be at her parents.
You’re left in limbo, which is a very uncomfortable place to be. If a person doesn’t have any sense of hope, what is left for them? How can you not feel discouraged? I would feel terribly discouraged if I were in your shoes.
My suggestions would be to discuss the difficulties with GF. Say that you still care about her, but both of you are ‘released’ from whatever commitments you made to each other. That includes her relationship with mother and whatever relationships you choose yourself. You will keep in touch occasionally to see how things have changed and how each of you feel about trying again with each other. Best wishes and good luck all round.
You say that your girlfriend has a strong bond with her mom, but from someone from the outside looking in, it appears to me that your girlfriend has an unhealthy and perhaps even co-dependent bond with her mom. And that should be a HUGE red flag to you, as that doesn't bode well for you in the future should you continue to be together.
I would cut your ties now and move on as you deserve so much better. I hope you know that. Don't ever settle!
Many other nice partners out there who don't have all this baggage.
My youngest daughter is in a long distance relationship now. She moved to Denver after graduating college. She lived there for a couple of years. She returned to New Orleans and rented her own place.
She has gone back to Denver to visit friends. She met a new guy while attending her friend’s birthday party in Denver. He has been to New Orleans several times now and she flys out to see him.
They talk on the phone all the time. They are going to Florida together this weekend. We are going to dog sit for her beautiful Siberian husky while she’s gone.
My daughter is planning to move back to Denver soon. She took a short term lease on her house here. The difference between my daughter and your girlfriend is that she has made definite plans.
I hope everything works out the way you want it to. If things don’t work out with this girl. There will be someone else who will be compatible with you. Be true to yourself.
Does the mom have a long-standing history of mental illness?
As I said before, I have 3 adult children with jobs, homes and families.
Neither there father (the one with stage 4 cancer) nor I would EVER expect any of our kids to cancel a vacation, not take a job or imperil a relationship because we were ill. We have spouses, we have a robust support system (the way adults are supposed to) to cope with illnesses and crises.
I think there is far more going on here that meets the eye.
Best of luck.
You've already got a lot on your plate with your service, and she's not going to be able to commit or focus on a relationship until they get her mom's health sorted out.
She's happy to have you around for moral support, but it doesn't sound like she's able to reciprocate. As you wrote, things are already slipping a bit. I'd say just let it go.
Giving care to people takes a lot out of people. She may or may not have the time for you and the relationship. If you stay, you may or may not begin to resent the time she devotes to her parents.
I applaud her for making the tough decision to help her parents out. She will probably be a terrific caregiver should a loved one get sick. However, for right now, the time is not right for you and her.
I suggest you move on.
P.S. You are not being selfish and insensitive by moving on. You are acknowledging that you don't want to compete with her parents. You are also a caring, sensitive individual by not forcing her to chose between you and her parents at this critical time of their life. When her crisis is over, if you and she are still available, you and she can decide whether you want to resume the relationship or keep it right where it is. Both of you will be different people at that time, too.
You aren't engaged so you're not committeed in this relationship. I say move on. She will always put her parents before her man. Wrong priority.
It’s sad but I think I would give her the space to do what she needs to do. If you don’t want to be supportive and see how it might go in the next few months, then you should move on.
P.S. if we were in the same state/city, then this wouldn't be an issue at all.
"she tells me of the bond she has with her mom and the love of her family and that she will always go to them when they need her"
There is a post going on right now where a woman left her husband and children to take care of her parents for years. She got no sympathy. Last I read of that post, she sees no wrong in what she did either. So, if you marry, seems ur GF will see no problem in leaving you to go to her parents. And they are in their
40s. Dad should be caring for his wife. She needs to teach him what he needs to know if she does die. What does Mom think, DD will come and care of Dad?
I think your being realistic here. You really have not been together long enough to do the waiting game. You also said she took the whole relationship pretty fast. The calls are slowing down, take advantage of that. Use it as a way to tell her, things are not the same. She has responsibilities. I have a job that transfers me to different places. I need someone who is there for me. If you plan on the Military as a career and ur an Officer, you need a strong woman that will stand beside u. My SIL was an AF wife for 20 yrs. In those yrs she packed up (2 children) 5xs. 6 if you count when he got out of the service and was able to settle in one place. One x they were stationed overseas. There was no way my SIL could run and help her parents.
I think ur the smart one here. For so many reasons, this relationship is not working. Dating is where u find out what you want and need in a person that u will spend your life with. This girl has already told u, her parents come first. Thats not how it should be. Parents let their children go so they can grow, mature and have lives if their own. They become a small part of their children's lives, not the center of it any longer.
Remember the past is a guidepost, not a hitching post!
Take care!
Next time you will be a little wiser in your choice of mates.
Regarding her - the fact that she only wanted to live in her home state seems so restrictive for you - especially given your profession. Wouldn't you want to meet someone who is open to other possibilities and isn't so tied to her family? I don't know what state she lives in, but wouldn't that have eventually been a big obstacle for your own happiness? Plus, the way she communicates seems off - it's impossible to get into someone's head and she didn't make it easy for you to understand what she even wanted or where things stood. It's too hard.
Although you may be feeling down, it's actually better that you have clarity now and can move on - and you're already on bumble, so it's a perfect time to find someone who's better for you. You sound like a really good guy - and I hope you meet the right girl soon!
Sending best wishes ~
Move on, don’t look back. You will meet someone else. It’s fresh in your mind now, but trust me, one day she will only be a distant memory for you.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
I give you credit for not fully trusting her when things started to go wrong. Her actions showed her true colors. I’m so glad that you didn’t hold onto false hope.
There are people who believe that they can change others. The truth is that we are only in control of our own actions.
Some people want something so badly that they waste time chasing after something that won’t ever happen. You were smart enough to break things off immediately when you saw the writing on the wall. Good for you!