My dad (71) has recently came home from the hospital after a 6 week stay after having a stroke. My mum (67) said we would work together as a team when giving him care
Since dad has came home, I've been the one who helps him up and down stairs, feeds him and helps him get ready for bed and put clothes on after using the toilet etc.
I feel I shouldn't be doing this as I am not comfortable helping my dad get changed for bed and getting dressed. I explained this to my mum who said "he's done it enough for you". I thought she meant as a child and said when I was a child. She then said no. I realised she meant when I was going through my cancer treatment at the age of 16 and couldn't walk so required bottles in the hospital when passing fluids.
I got angry at this and said it was during cancer treatment and she accused me of always bringing it up
I don't feel this is right for my dad's care or my own personal mental health to be in this situation especially when I'm only 27 and have just finished my own treatments like physio etc. I should point out I have mobility issues too
Any advice going forward would be greatly appreciated as I'm unsure if I'm in the wrong for feeling uncomfortable or not
Thank you
You did not make vows before God in commitment to your parents to support them in sickness & in health till death do you part. You were once their child, and as such they were legally obligated to provide you with care. Now you’re an adult, a young man, with full legal & independent agency. Your obligations & responsibilities are what you choose them to be.
Do not let anyone - family, friends, medical “professionals”, acquaintances, etc bully or shame you into doing things you are uncomfortable with. Your parents path into aging & health decline is *their* path based on *their* choices. When they choose to make their path your responsibility, they are being unfair & very shortsighted.
You are only 27 years old & in the prime of your life. You deserve the opportunity to live your life fully. Don’t allow others (even your parents) to deprive you of your potential.
I call myself a “forced family caregiver”. I spent my prime years caring for my ailing parents believing it was the right & moral thing to do. It’s not. I sacrificed my life for my parents comfort. While I don’t regret caring for my mother that lost her battle with cancer 8 years ago, I completely regret being my father’s caregiver. No father should ever force his daughter into cleaning his literal feces, several times a day, for years on end.
I had an education, a career, my own home. And I traded it all to clean my father’s feces & to be yelled at for not doing it “right”.
I should have gotten married & had a family of my own. Instead I gave into my parents demands to take care of them. I now face financial ruin … never mind the emotional abuse & PTSD. Now I’m too old.
You are just beginning this journey. It only gets worse from here. Please value your life, even when others do not. If your parents are not able or willing to respect your boundaries, then it’s best to move onward & upward. You can do it! It won’t be easy. But you will so much happier living your best life.
As far as your parents helping you, that was their responsibility as parents to care for you.
You don’t owe your parents anything in exchange for caring for you. You didn’t ask to be born.
You told your mom how you felt. Sadly, she didn’t want to hear what you said. That’s her problem. Not yours.
Tell her again that you are not willing to be your dad’s caregiver. You deserve to be living your own life.
Are you still living at home? Is it possible for you to move if you are still at home?
Wishing you all the best in life.
And this sentence she wrote:
“Please value your life, even when others do not.”
You need to just tell your mum that from here on out you WILL NOT be dressing or undressing your dad as you're just not comfortable doing so. Period, end of sentence.
If your mum can't do it then she'll have to hire an aide to come in the morning and evening to help him.
Or perhaps your dad needs to go back into rehab until he can learn to do it himself.
Stick to your guns girl and don't let your parents guilt you into doing anything you're not comfortable doing.
What does your mom do for dad?
Did dad go to rehab?
Do you live with your parents? Will you be going to work soon? What will mom do then?
’What your dad did for you was his decision. What you do for him should be your decision. Set a limit and stick with it.
Try to get into therapy to help you sort out your life and get a plan to move forward.
Don’t do it . Mom does it or hires help .
You don’t mention how your father feels about it , I bet he isn’t happy either .
2. When listening to someone’s criticism, always first consider what’s the source? Is it a reliable source? Does the critic (that’s the source) have something to gain in saying what they’re saying to you? Yes! If you’re it, it means she’s not it. She can sit back with her feet up, while you do the work.
3. I repeat, you didn’t marry your dad. It’s nice you’re helping, but it’s NOT your obligation. And you decide if you want to QUIT (I’m quitting).
4. You have a financial problem, OP. That is the problem of many adult children caregivers. You’re living with your parents, you don’t have a job, you’re FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT on your parents. This gives too much power to your mother. Please find a way to be financially independent. And move out.
5. Get POA for your parents. Start setting up hired in-home care, if you can. You need someone to replace you.
Please just stop judging people.