Should 92 year old MIL live alone?

Lonely spouse

It's your mil you husband feels he needs to be with her know. That's good and bad . You are his wife and a conversation should been given with her present. Yes it sound like she needs assist. Yes they refuse new person in home . protection of their items. What need to happen family meeting then call Elder Law to acknowledge your rights and hers. The best thing is to see what all the that clutter is. Then select a day to bag and take it to a dump. Get several helpers . Bag and go. Don't even wash up dishes or pots trash .
Surrogate husband, yes she has lost recognition . Your husband is enabling her on that . She .just look at you as a women trying to take her man. So true confusion. Set in .
Have you tried Respice care first 28 days they keep for financial fee. Not 30 days make permanent residence. Great way to test. Don't visit until five days in adjustment. How about adults Day care twice week . Next time plan vacation clean house use Respice care . Great for me. Cleaned out mother's stuff call got junk company paid them to get rid of large items. Take two days before trash day bag it up get it out . Sanitize everything. CV lean clean Clean . She never missed it. Don't do forget medicine cabinet. Another great assistance mother's PCP & Elder Law
Respectfully

Lonelyspouse,

Has your husband said how much time he wants to give his mother , before having “ the conversation “?
Because if he’s waiting to see a change in his mother that makes him think she is ready for that conversation , he will be waiting forever . His mother has settled in with your husband being her new surrogate husband . She has made it clear she does not want anyone coming in the house . She’s 92 , she’s not motivated to face life changes .

You could offer to help your husband getting help for his mother , work as a team , but with a definite deadline to try to meet for him to come home to live with you .

LonelySpouse: Your husband needs to make his marriage his priority.

This is about choices, not about what ‘ought’ to happen. MIL can choose to live alone if she wants. She can’t choose to have her son there propping her up. That’s what he is choosing to do at present. If so, it sounds as though everything is all fine by her. If he stops doing it, then she will need to look at other options. She will have choices there too.

OP can choose to accept that DH is staying with MIL. That keeps the show on the road as it is now. OP can stop accepting it (I’d change the locks myself - shock tactics). Then DH has to choose whether the marriage is over, or if he needs to change.

Someone has to say NO before anything is going to change. There are options to look at, but at present there is no incentive for MIL or DH to consider them. It's not about 'convincing them'. It's about each person choosing from AVAILABLE alternatives.

PS NVyankee is still bitter about something where she should have had a choice for her belongings not to be dumped, and she wasn't given that choice. This is about informed choices for everyone involved, not about dumping options.

My mother lived alone until 95 - and would have continued to do so if she hadn't fallen and broken her femur which resulted in complications and ultimately, her passing. BUT, she was capable of living on her own - just fine - HER way. No, she didn't like to cook but she did get Meals on Wheels 2x week - but overall, given her age, she really didn't eat a lot or want to eat a lot. Her blood panel numbers were decent for her age, and her doc was aware of her eating habits and said - hey, she's 95...let her enjoy her life.

Mother wasn't the neatest or cleanest person - I guess at 95 one doesn't have the eyesight or physical ability to maintain things as they used to be. So, did have a cleaning person come in every other week to help out. But mother could do her own laundry. As long as it was awful or a biohazard, it's her place, her life.

Covid isolation did do a number on her. She was a social person and enjoyed talking to all her immediate neighbors and doing activities with them. With Covid, it isolated her - she did use her phone to talk to her friends who lived in other states or another country. But I did notice that the longer the isolation went on, the more her memory was affected - her not talking to others affected her ability to remember words, events. Even though she watched tv like 10 hours a day- because it was a one way interaction, her brain didn't get the stimulation it needed to stay sharp.

We put all her bills on autopay, and when I stopped over 1x week, I would take her grocery shopping (where she used an debit card with a bank account that I monitored), and/or medical appts.

Is your MIL safe to live alone - idk since I am not privy to everything about her. But the one thing I WOULD highly suggest is for her to have one of those 'help I have fallen' devices that she could activate if needed. That was what my mother had when she fell - she couldn't get to a phone but at least she was wearing her medical alert gizmo and activated it. Also, perhaps install some video cameras so you can see how things are going when you are not there.

Get her doctor to do some assessments and get referrals for other professional assessments. Her doctor should be able to assess mental competency and dementia. If he/she doesn't feel up to the task, ask for a referral to a neurologist. The might need to refer her to physical therapy for assessments of mobility and strength.

Your husband can pay her bills for her or set her up for automatic payments. I would suggest he get permission from his mom to look at her account online so he can catch any unusual activity when it happens.

Housekeeping, errands, travel to doctor appointments can be family, friends, members of faith community - or paid help. Make sure somebody is calling her or checking up on her daily to make sure she is OK.

Socialization can be in many forms. It depends on whether she likes large groups of people or 1-3 people at a time. Introvert/extrovert personalities tend to be inborn - a genetic trait. If she likes large groups, then she may benefit for senior outings. If not, a companion or helper is probably preferable. Also look into adult day programs that usually care for individuals Monday - Friday during the day. Some programs are available in senior residential communities. Others are available in private residences or companies.

Hi Lonely - I am no expert in the area of husbands living elsewhere with their moms. Regardless of his mom's health which may take a while to sort out dementia, etc, I would be concerned that the longer he stays away, is it possible he won't come home? How often do you see each other in person? I think ensuring you do spend time together will help hold the bond while the situation with his mom is sorted. Sorry. I know nothing about your marriage, I am just making a suggestion. I read a lot about gray divorces. Hold the bond!

I truly wish you the best.

Does your husband have POA for his mother ?? He should get that done before her brain is any worse .

Get assessment done for her cognitive status to determine if she is safe to live alone with some help coming in part of the time . If not, the answer is right there that she goes to assisted living because if 24/7 supervision is needed at home , it’s too expensive . Maybe say that Medicare is requiring a doctor visit . Tell the doctor ahead of time the issues . If MIL knows it’s for cognitive testing she may refuse, and insist her brain is fine . ( Been there ) Don’t tell her .

Sounds like she definitely needs some help even if it is determined she is safe at home alone part of the time . If she refuses having help come in the house , she goes to assisted living .

Assisted living would be preferable , she would have her meals made , and have socialization . She doesn’t want to make meals at home . She would also have her cleaning and laundry done for her .

I understand what your husband is thinking . But MIL is not looking for any of this to change . She wants to be waited on by her son , that’s why she has made it clear that she does not want any help coming in the house . She will not face these life changes so long has hubby is there with her . Six months is a long time to be staying with her . It is time to either get help in or she goes to assisted living .

If none of the above works , come back to us , we can tell you other ways to try to get Mom out of the house like calling your local Agency Of Aging . I had to use this route because Mom would not allow help in or go to assisted living , or go for cognitive testing . They sent out social worker to my mothers house and determined she could not be alone and needed 24/7 supervision . I assume your husband would have to move out first , so she is living alone .

I’m assuming she will refuse help coming in . Then you have the battle of getting her out of the house . Good Luck . Come back here for more help with that .

Socialization is really important. Going to a managed care home does NOT mean socialization.

I cannot say whether it is time to move forward or not. It is normal for your your MIL to be using your hubby as a surrogate husband.

For socialization, I would suggest having your hubby take her to senior day care once or twice a week to build up her confidence in dealing with other people. Allow her to observe and begin to see how others are living. Allow her to rely on other people rather than just your husband. Not all senior care centers are alike and it does take some research.

In my state, we have an Americorps senior program that connect seniors with other seniors. Able bodied seniors will help preparing meals for Wheels-for-meals. They will call others who have experienced similar grief to provide additional support and friendship (they never meet face-to-face).

I would not push the managed care option at this time. Your MIL needs to build up her self confidence or she will consider managed care just a senior jail and place to being dumped.

Think of it like helping a child through their first months through preschool or kindergarten.

I'm 83 and I live alone. I am deaf these last 8 years. I think in home help for her would be nice as a day to day service. I'd say she is doing well for her age and hope I can do the same. I've checked out many assisted living facilities and I wouldn't want to loose my freedom. I have some clutter and have never used an ATM card either. I do drive but have transportation for some appointments. I am also physically disabled. I would like a companion to do some things with but not live in. Perhaps she would too. A helper is always nice as long as they don't move in. Some of us want to stay independent as we grow older. If she can do it let her but check up on her once a week. I have no one to do that. Your husband belongs with you so start interviewing some people. Just do it. I hope I have been of some help. Helen

I’m sorry that you are in this situation. I’m curious about a few things. Why did your husband move in with his parents to recover from his health issues?

I understand that he may have a close relationship with his parents but moving into their home to recover is a different matter.

You’re right to say that he has become a surrogate husband after his father’s death. He’s taking excellent care of his mother but seems to have forgotten that he has a wife and a life of his own.

How is he doing? Has he recovered enough to be a full time caregiver for his mom? How is your health?

I understand that his mom needs help. It’s ridiculous how some seniors are adamant about not wanting outside help. Of course, your mother in law is grieving but that doesn’t give her the right to monopolize all of her son’s time.

Speak to your husband about your concerns. Tell him that you are lonely and would like him to return home. Outside help needs to be hired or she can go to an assisted living facility.

Your MIL can take her pick of those things. Otherwise, your mother in law will continue to take advantage of having full time service provided by her son.

Was she someone who socializes with others before? If not, I doubt that she would start being that way now. Assisted living facilities will encourage her to interact with others but if she’s more comfortable not socializing, let her be.

I hope that your husband will return home soon and that he can go back to being her son and not have to be burdened with being her full time caregiver anymore.

Maybe you could start gathering some information to pass onto your husband about assisted living facilities or agencies/private caregivers that are available for in home sitters.

Council on Aging is a wonderful resource as a starting point to get an assessment of her needs. Call them and set up an appointment. They can offer recommendations for future care.

Your MIL is no longer safe living alone. Have her placed in a facility.

Personally, I feel no one in their 90s should be living alone.
However, this isn't 'the real world' as some do.
My client is now 104 and she still lives alone - although she has had support / caregivers for a few hours a day for years.

Of course (husband's mother) "she isn't "facing the life changes that occur when you lose a spouse." She is 92 and grieving - what 40, 50 ? years with her husband.
* She is bonded with her son / your husband. Period. There is no changing that.

* It is HIS decision whether to stay with her / his mother or return to you. It appears he has / is making his choice / decisions. Even though it hurts you and you feel frustrated with this situation. It is what it is. Are YOU facing life changes that occur? as you seem to expect this 92 year old woman to do?

I believe your stance or question / concern / objective is to get your husband back home with YOU. So you want to make an argument that "she can manage alone" and seeking support for that position - by asking us.
When the focus should / could be on the WHO.

The first question is: has MIL been tested for dementia? what is the MD diagnosis? This is important to know - for needed care (caregivers, move to a facility).
She can / your husband could set up caregivers easily enough. Even if she doesn't want them.

The issue (seems to be) that your husband is making a choice that you do not want nor like. You feel hurt and trying to hang on / strategize... but for what end ?
In you feeling lonely, hurt, and frustration, you may be pushing your husband away. Even if his mother could / can manage alone, you know your husband won't leave her.

While you may not be pushing your husband to 'come home,' I sense the best strategy is to have an open heart and support him and in his decisions. Let him know you are on 'his side' vs a tug of war with him in the middle of you and his mother. This, of course, will not be easy for you to do. THINK of the outcome that you want ... You would likely benefit from outside support - therapy - church - friends. Lean on others now and take off the stress(ors) off that you are putting on your husband to 'come home.'

Give him room and let him know you are there - supporting him and his decisions.' He is doing what he wants anyway. You will not change that. So support him so HE feels it. It has to be real. You may not 'get there' or be able to do that w/o therapy or professional support.

Gena / Touch Matters

It sounds like your MIL manages pretty well except for needing someone to take her to appointments and shop for her. There are both volunteer and paid services for those tasks. You have not said if she is depressed or functioning fairly normally and begging your husband to stay longer.

As far as cleaning and clutter, if the clutter is dangerous, maybe your husband can work on making it safer before he leaves. It might be good to have a cleaning service in place if she could stand it, but she might still resist.

Moving to a facility is not a good idea for everyone. Some people do not like to socialize even if it would be easy to do so. Consider her mental state and ability to live alone safely. If she is wallowing in grief, she might benefit from a Grief Support group, espeically and open-ended support group where people share their stories and help each other as theylern to move on with the next stage of their lives. There are many online if she does not want to attend one in person.

At 92 I know that you and hubby recognize that MIL is at her end of life. If she is competent in her own decision making you cannot force placement. You CAN call APS for wellness check on her and discuss with them any steps you might be able to take to oversee her in home care and passing versus an assessment that APS can help arrange to come to conclusions about competency.

For me, at 92, given the level of clutter and so on that Mom has lived in (apparently with your hubby THERE in it WITH HER for 6 months) I think I might do supportive care for her such as you CAN do, check on her, and allow her to pass in her own home. At some point, given the nature of things, push will come to shove with a fall. If she survives the fall, she will be hospitalized and placement can likely proceed from there.

The truth is that this is one of those situations where there simply is no perfect answer. Mom is competent enough to make decisions and is making BAD DECISIONS. Not a lot of this is in your control.

Sounds like a lot of changes are needed in the very near future. Hubby needs to come home. MIL needs to either go to AL or have in home care. Simple as that. OK, maybe not so simple to do but the needs are there. I agree with others that she almost certainly has dementia.

MIL will not like this. That's uncomfortable for your hubby, but it's OK. He should not expect her to agree or be happy about these major changes. Getting old kind of sucks and can leave you with very limited choices. But the issue now is her safety. I think hubby should decide which option he thinks is best for her - home caregivers or AL. And then put a plan in action ASAP.

Some therapuetic fibs may be needed. She won't agree to anything so he may need to get creative in the explanations. I told my mom that the cleaning lady and caregivers were for ME. I did not want to do all the cleaning. I needed help. I needed caregivers here so I could go babysit my grandkids and was not comfortable leaving her alone. If he prefers AL, tell her the house needs to be fumigated or some other thing that makes it inhabitable and then she just never comes home. He needs to be firm and not back down when she whines and cries. She'll adjust and everyone (well maybe not her) will be happier in the long run.

She should not live alone and this could drag on for years... She is a perfect candidate for assisted living. Then as her age and health issues progress, there is additional care on site so her level of care can be increased. You could find a place near your home so your husband could visit her and check on her as often as he likes, but still have a married life with you. She would also have interaction with people and can attend social events, etc.

As mentioned in previous responses to your last posting, this all comes down to what your husband is willing to do and not do. He has to stand up to his mom and say I can't do this long distance caregiving any longer. I need you closer to my home to be able to help you.

I'm not so sure he is willing to do that since his parents took him in while he was undergoing treatment. Wasn't that the situation? I am trying to remember the details of your previous posting. This all comes back to your husband.

First, I would suggest contacting her local Area Agency on Aging. They can give you the options available to her.

Putting her in Asst/Memory Care is expensive. Being she is 92, that may not be a situation. Also, there are waiting lists for facilities.

She sounds capable of mostly caring for herself but could use in-home care. If she is low asset (not counting home, car, personal belongings) she may qualify for the Community Care Program. It's federally funded and wouldn't cost her anything.

The time for "that" conversation with her is here. She needs to decide where she want's to live now. If she wants to live where she is, in-home care must be involved.

Either choice, she will need to allow some form of assistance.

Choose an assisted living facility near you, and it should have stepped-up care to a memory unit. The place will have the equipment she needs, such as handicap rails. Housekeeping is provided. Laundry service and transportation are provided. She'll have a chance to make friends in the same situation as she is, which is a whole lot better than her son for company.

FYI, this is almost certainly dementia, and whether there's a diagnosis or not doesn't really matter. You are observing the symptoms. It doesn't get better. Be ready for the next step, which could be wandering, setting the house on fire, or forgetting where the bathroom is. She shouldn't live alone, and she may not be capable of adjusting to the life changes you expect.

Her hearing problem needs to be addressed. Inability to hear contributes hugely to development of dementia because the neuron pathway from ears to brain begins to stop functioning. However, by waiting till this age to get hearing aids, she may not be able to understand how to use them and they may not do any good. You won't know until you try. I'll pass along what doctor said to my LO: "Get the best hearing aids that money can buy."

Absolutely NO on the in-home help. You have no idea how hard it is to get three shifts of caregivers who actually show up. And you'll need relief caregivers as well. Managing all of that is a full-time job, and no one is going to want to work in a cluttered house.

Good luck, and don't let her live with you. That shouldn't be an option.

No, MIL should not be living alone at 92 with her issues. Nor should dh be acting as her surrogate husband 6 months after her actual husband died. But that's a moot point. MIL belongs in Assisted Living and dh belongs back home with you.

Whether either of those things happen is the $64,000 question, isn't it?

Assisted living near you so bith of you can visit as family not caretakers. More social activities and knowing you can be close to her….