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I have a friend that is taking care of her father that has dementia. He takes medication but when he drinks, he is drunk for days and he does not take his medicine. He is 86 years old. When he gets drunk, his feet swell, he urinates on himself, doesn't take baths for days and he's up all night rising sand and cussing. She has Power of Attorney of his affairs. Is this considerate Elderly Neglect if she is not doing anything about his behavior and getting the help?

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Sounds like this daughter has thrown in the towel as far as her father is concerned. Why she continues to live with him is beyond me. I know you say they all live together. Is he in her house or is she in his? So either she needs to get him out of her house, or she needs to leave his house and not let the door hit her on the way out. This is not a healthy environment for all involved. Alcoholism is a horrible disease that affects everyone in its path, and the fact that the other daughter is taking him to get his alcohol is called enabling. The whole family needs therapy, and help.
Since your friend has POA, and her father has dementia, she needs to use her power to get him placed in the appropriate facility where he will be better taken care of, and he won't be allowed to drink. It's just a sad situation all the way around. Hopefully your friend will listen to you, and perhaps you can share the answers on this forum with her. Best wishes.
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abphifer27 Apr 2021
Yes, to everything that you said, is what I been telling her. After my conversation this morning, that she could possible be charged with neglect, she is having a meeting tonight with the older siblings.
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What exactly is it you would expect her to do for her father?
Does her father live alone and you feel he should be in placement?
Is her father suffering from dementia and should no longer be along but is alone?
We need more information I am afraid.
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abphifer27 Apr 2021
No he is not in the house alone, She lives with him and her 2 teenage children. He has dementia but when he drinks, he is drunk for days. She wants to give him the respect that he deserves as being her father, but in this situation she needs to be the parent and take charge and get him the help that he needs.
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My dear friend went to see her dad (age 63) one day without calling first.

Found him living in a hovel of an apartment, drunk to the gills at 10 am and crashing around in living conditions that you wouldn't put a dog in. Rats, roaches, all the yuck of a life 'given up on'.

She had not been 'allowed' in his place and got suspicious.

She's a tough nut. She did have POA and went straight to an atty (after dragging her dad to the ER where he was admitted)..then the POA was enacted and she took over.

Now she has all his money sent to her. She moved him to a small studio and has it cleaned every week. She pays his few bills and grocery shops once a week. She gives him spending money and encourages attendance at Al-Anon. Whether he goes or not is up to him.

After talking to her--I see the incredible courage it took to have his apt dejunked and cleaned, have him moved and take the steps to help him. He's doing moderately better, but the liver damage is far too gone for really good health.

And I believe the terms she used for taking him to the ER were, in fact "kicking and screaming".

She DID NOT bring him to her home to live. No way. But she has him over regularly (as long as he is stone cold sober) and her sweet kids have learned, through mama's wonderful example, how to unconditionally love---esp when it's HARD.
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abphifer27 Apr 2021
Thanks for your response. I told my friend that you are taking of your Dad and that you have to do what's best his well being and your mental stake.
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Not sure if its neglect. She may just be giving in. If he has been an alcoholic for years this is probably why the Dementia. If ur talking about medication for Dementia, that just may slow down the process and help with some symptoms but its not a cure. After a while, they don't even help.

As a friend, I would not call APS. But your friend could. Explaining the situation and seeing if they can get him help so she can place him. Can't place him kicking and screaming.
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abphifer27 Apr 2021
Thanks for your response.
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If he does not have a medical diagnosis of dementia or cognitive impairment, her PoA may not be active, unless the language in the document specifies something different. He needs a medical detox and then stop him from having access to alcohol. No facility will take an active alcoholic that I'm aware of. If your sister is living with him and yet he somehow has access to booze and she's not managing things "in his best interests" then I would call APS and report the situation. Hopefully he's not driving anywhere...
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abphifer27 Apr 2021
Thanks for the advice.
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How is she "taking care" of him?
Is she living with him or he with her?
If he has diagnosed dementia he should not be living by himself.
If he is living by himself the not showering, urinating on himself while could be just as a result of the alcohol or it could be the dementia might be classified as "self abuse" and that can also be reported.
If with a diagnoses of dementia if he is living by himself that might be classified as "neglect".
I am surprised that neighbors have not called the police during one of the "up all night cussing"
You could contact APS and ask that they check the situation. But have you discussed your concerns with your friend? If she sees noting wrong with the situation then report it I would rather loose a "friend" than risk the life of someone.
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abphifer27 Apr 2021
They all live together. She doesn't take him to get the alcohol, he will go the grocery store with his other daughter and buy it or have someone in the neighborhood but it for him. I have told her that she is part of the problem if you are letting him drink when he should not be doing it. He also had throat cancer last year but but is cancer free. There are 2 older siblings but they are not helping at all. Thanks for your advice.
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The standard for neglect varies from place to place. If others notice what’s going on, it’s possible for a report to be made to Adult Protective Services, which will trigger the situation being looked into. What’s the reason for having alcohol available and not getting any help?
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abphifer27 Apr 2021
thanks for your advice.
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