Mom is 93, lives alone in paid-for house, drives, cooks (well, microwaves ready-made stuff) and is in good health except for some hearing loss. All her marbles, no falls so far, and still enjoys fiddling with her yard and plants. I see her about once every two weeks, when I take my daughter’s two little ones over to visit for a couple of hours, which she enjoys. That’s really all the interaction we have; she and I have never been close, and as she seems okay, I don’t feel any need to do more.
My younger sister adores her, calls her daily (sometimes more), and accompanies her to any doctor appointments that involve an out-of-town drive. They have always been much closer, and, frankly, that has been fine with me. I have been perfectly happy all my life with our assigned roles, i.e., I was/am the brainy, unsentimental one, Sister was/is the cheery, lovey-dovey one. Suited me then, suits me now.
Well. I recently learned that, unbeknownst to me, Sister took Mom to visit a retirement place—nice, good reputation, not one of the over-the-top, outlandishly-priced country-club sort, but certainly expensive. It is not a care facility; really, just old-folks apartments with a restaurant-style dining room. And, I guess, activities and such.
When I found out (Mom told me, after the fact, and mentioned the monthly fee) I called Sister and said, “You realize that a place like this will not accept Medicaid, and if she sells her house, she will have too much cash to even APPLY for Medicaid, and by the time she spends it down—“ that’s as far as I got. “She will NOT need Medicaid!” gasped Sister. “I would never, ever put her in one of those horrible places that accept it!”
”Well, if she has spent all her money on this apartment place YOU decided she should visit, then gets sick, falls, and needs a different place, where will she get the funds for something that meets Your Highness’ lofty standards?”
A few beats of silence. “Well, from US, of course. That’s what children do for their parents, isn’t it?”
This is not a problem yet, but of course, could be any day now. Mom could easily live to 100 (genetics strong and oh, Lord, medical science can keep the old darlings hanging on forevvvvver these days), and when her money runs out (house is all she has) she will HAVE to have Medicaid, or go private pay, and the bottom line is, I vote the former, and Sister is clearly going to be Hell-bent on the latter.
i don’t think there’s a compromise, is there? I am unwilling to ask my husband to dig into our own (ample) retirement funds to bankroll what could be a very long, drawn-out gig. If my sister wants to spend her own money, that is her business, I suppose.
I dread the next few years. Has anyone else been utterly at odds, philosophically, with a sibling about this issue, and how did it pan out?
A third person in the room - without emotional attachment to either of you - would help you show each other respect and help you get to a good working solution.
So far, you and your sister have both been comfortable about the way that your family type-casting has worked out. Things change, and you both need to be willing to change. In my family, I was the ‘brainy unsentimental one’, and it was a shock all round when I was the one who nursed my mother at home until she died. When things change, compromises happen. See if you and your sister (both of whom really care about your mother) can anticipate changes and come up with a workable option.
So, she ain’t a-goin’ nooooowhere for the time being. Bullet dodged. But thanks to you all, I do realize I’d better keep a keen eye on the sitch. Sister does have POA, but certainly can’t spend MY money, so I plan to relax and hope for the best for now (best being peaceful death in sleep for our parent in common, whether in one year or ten🙀)...
If she runs out of money the AL will accept her as a Medicaid resident, or she will be moved to a sister facility if she needs skilled nursing care.
You would be well served if you did some research about Medicaid. It Is a government provision for people who are indigent, no money or resources . Sadly some people outlive their savings so Medicaid can help. Many senior facilities are required to allocate rooms or beds to a number of Medicaid residents.
If your mother has resources, cash, investments, a home, that money will have to be spent until she only has $2000 in assets before she can go on Medicaid. You need to contact a social worker now to get the facts and start organizing the paperwork, It can take months to get all the paperwork and approvals for Medicaid, it is not automatic just because you are old!
Can you finish your sentence “she will have too much cash to even APPLY for Medicaid, and by the time she spends it down—“... what will happen?
But the OP is concerned about mom's welfare - she does not want her mom to run into financial disaster! Her sister's attitude might make sense if we were talking about super rich people with trust funds, etc. But I don't think that is true here and financial prudence is not the same as not caring. I know the Queen of England does not carry money nor ever pay for things, since the trivia of money is beneath her notice - a lady in waiting takes care of it all - but the rest of us do have to consider $$.
Medicaid is for the poor, and we all pay for it with our taxes, so I do think it should be avoided to the extent possible.
It is not fair of your sister to expect you to spend your retirement savings if everything is blown on an expensive apartment and there is nothing left later for a nursing facility because no medicaid. I would not want my kids spending money they have saved for their own old age and then struggling for it later.
Since your mom has no cognitive issues, the decision is ultimately hers. Even if you and your sister are polar opposites, you can find common ground if you share the same goal, that being your mom's health, happiness and well being. If anything, you and your sister can provide your mom with info to help her make the right choice, and without the added stress of arguments, which could lead your mom to a decision she really doesn't want for herself. If your concern is about losing your half of the house, maybe your mom can live with one of you. That would lessen the fall risk. And if no one is willing to sacrifice anything, then it's not worth arguing over either.
It was very arrogant of your sister to make such a big decision about your Mom without consulting the other sibling(s) and then expect everyone to be onboard and contribute money. Personally I do not allow other people to spend my money or make decisions about my money for me. It's not about 'not wanting to help' or being selfish about money, it's about being smart to ensure your mother's financial well being is intact and being part of the decision process.
Update after reading other posts: Based on your sister's actions, don't let her have full POA. Maybe a trust or neutral 3rd party (attorney) oversee mom's financial well being. My sister convinced us to let her be on mom's bank account and now she spends what she wants, is not transparent and when we question what she is spending, she tells us 'it's none of your business'. Big, big mistake, and having to seek legal counsel and get local authorities involved.
There are so many stories on this website of siblings whose relationship is ruined beyond repair due to unnecessary control of parents especially when they get dementia.
It would be good for you both to have some knowledge of her financial situation before obligating her to such a facility.
As a side story, when my dad sold his house and went to a senior facility (independent living - his choice), I was thinking that we would be contributing to the budget. The reality is that many bills go away - water, electric, real estate taxes, house upkeep - it was actually cheaper than him living in his own house. As we have needed some extra services to help him during the day, they have been reasonably priced. (He's 95 now and has been living in the same place for 5 years)
Your knowledge of the situation will go a long way to help you and your sister maintain a good relationship.
I hear you sister's concerns too - mom is not as able as she used to be, mom deserves to be cared for well, and she is devoted to making this happen. All are valid concerns too and should be addressed.
Rather than an "either or" decision that favors one of you. You need to discuss what mom needs now - probably no change - as well as plans for what to do when she needs more help. The "help" part can take many forms: family assisting with whatever each person is comfortable with providing, paid for "help" while mom lives in her own home, and/or moving into a residential facility if mom is unable to live in her own place. Since you are the brainy one:, do your research on options available for "help" near mom. Also, try to get your mom and sister to look at mom's finances so you can see where the money currently goes and what would be available if you needed "paid help". You will probably need to be the one to create different types of "care plans" for mom based on available resources. Do so and present them to mom and sister in a family meeting.
Since mom has all her marbles, somebody (probably you) needs to get mom to an elder lawyer to get legal documents prepared: will, POA, DNR... Also talk with mom and sister about memorial/funeral arrangements and the financial obligations that go with those types of services. Memorials/funerals can easily cost $1000 or more. Funds should be set aside for this and a person designated to handle the arrangements with access to those funds.
It would be a good idea for you to go to a few places that are local to your sister, find out if they take Medicaid, get their pricing and take your own pictures of the facility and people doing things together (the brochures are often stock photos). Most places do not publish their prices or floor layouts or details and require in-person visit for that, so it is just as well you eyeball it in person to examine the fine details yourself. If you would be willing to take up this effort for your sister, it will help dispel the myth about bad old nursing homes of yore. After all, you have to give evidence to make your case. Good luck!
Many adults are facing that balance: keeping a parent safe and keeping an eye on the financials.
How many years of assisted living will the sale of her house provide for?
If you feel it would help, ask your sister why she feels now is a good time to start transitioning to senior living. Honestly, if the house will pay for a few years, and if mom is on board for it, I'd get mom into senior living yesterday. She will be safer, have no house to care for, have opportunity for social experiences. She's not 83, she's 93.
I have a SIL who really can't handle money. Drives my brother nuts. She has no idea how to budget. When Dad died she said we all should send Mom an allowance monthly. This always pisses me off when people assume we have extra money. Not that we don't but I hate the assumption. I told her to wait to see how Mom does. She did great. This is the SIL who sends my Mom no BD or MD presents. Christmas? Maybe 3 months later when they visit a gift and its always something my Mom would never wear. I gave away a lot of never worn tops. I suggested money and then I'd take Mom shopping, which is what I always did. Then she got what she wanted. Nope, and then to say she will send an an allowance? Love the girl but she would never have followed thru. Never sent Mom money just to send it. So, I just un huh.
Your sister is in LaLa land. Who has POA? Someone should have it and it should be u. If this situation becomes serious, you need to sit sister down and explain in no way are you going to pay for Mom to be in an Independent living. Your savings is for your retirement. So, if this is what Mom wants, then the house will need to be sold. The proceeds put aside and used to help pay for her IL. Her SS and any pension can be used to offset the cost, using the house proceeds for whatever her SS and pension do not cover. She will be getting her meals so no big grocery shopping there. If she runs short, then you can give her money. But for ur sister to assume you will pay for her ideas, no.
Don't think ahead too much. (This is from someone who does) I feel if parents have money, then use it. They have a house, then sell it to help pay for IL or an AL. Worry about how are you going to pay when her money starts running out. Moms 93 she isn't going to live forever. She may eventually need LTC. We never know what tomorrow brings. At that time you spend down what she has and apply for Medicaid. If sister doesn't want this, then she can care for Mom with you helping.
You seem to be the down to earth one. Set boundries when you need to but let some things go for now.
Interesting article.
I hate to say it but I would have most likely been on your sister's side if I thought my siblings would have pitched in financially. I never even asked cause I know which way the wind blows in my family.
I guess it boils down to what you just said. Your sis and mom are extremely close and you said it's okay with you. You've accepted your role as the not as close to your mom daughter. So I guess you'll never know where your sis is coming from and she probably will never know where you are coming from.
I get your logic but from an emotional standpoint, I get your sis's logic too.
Emma, there will be what's best for your Mom!
I think you will either agree, compromise, or fight for Mom's best care.
I like that you are leaving it alone, watch and observe for awhile.
Caregivers in her house? No way. Medicaid won’t pay for that, as I understand, and without selling that house she couldn’t afford two months of what I know they cost! If that. Sister has a husband, so her moving in with Mom won’t happen. That’s rather a shame; that would suit them both. Mom could move in with Sister, but they downsized to a house that would make that a tight situation. Well, not my circus.
That continuum-of-care place advice was the best, thanks. If something happens, that would be the only reasonable option.
My husband is a lawyer, and suggested we consult an elder-care lawyer (not his field). This is probably what we will do if things move into dangerous territory later on. Sentimental Sis and Practical Me definitely need a neutral mediator!
Thanks, again.
I could say so much more but I think this might be a good place to start. Best of luck and know there are people here for support.
I participate in a financial forum (BogleHeads.org)--I recommend it highly! Lots of folks there who feel that providing financially for parents is a non-starter; equal numbers who are shocked that the rest of us don't think that this is our duty.
Sometimes, these differences can be due to cultural differences, but in the case of you and your sister, probably not. Is she a financially astute person? Is she independently wealthy? Sometimes, when there is a huge disparity in the resources that siblings are dealing with, this can lead to a difference of opinion. Sometimes, of course, one sibling simply hasn't thought about just how much money we're talking about, and for how many years.
I would urge you to sit down with your sister, alone (i.e., not with mom; possibly with spouses, if she has one) and lay out, calmly and unemotionally the fact that you are not going to fund mom's old age. You need to make this clear at the outset, otherwise you are going to be on the hook for saying "well, no, not now, maybe a little money, oh well...". Don't do that. Get it out in the open.
It's a reasonable position and a legal one. Just tell her and get it over with. If your mother is offended, that's really just too bad. Money and love are not equivalents. And bad care can be had in expensive facilities too; my mom was in a facility that accepted Medicaid and her care was just what she needed.