My mother in law who has alzheimers and dementia (and her dog) moved in with my husband and I about 10 months ago. She was living with her longtime partner but he passed away.
It was either a NH or our home at that point. She is unable to cook or even remember to eat as well as keeping herself safe. When my sister in law came to us about moving ML in to our home, both my HB and I made the decision to have her move in. At this point, I had no idea how it would affect us.
ML has severe alzh and dementia, she needs 24/7 care. She needs help with everything except using the bathroom, and cannot be left alone. She recently started having BM accidents and chokes on her food sometimes. ML gets easily confused, asks the same questions or tells the same story over and over all day long. I am her main caregiver because I work from home. I take care of all of her needs (HB has started helping more on his days off but this just recently changed. She has in home care set up with her grand daughter who has been helpful. She helps her shower every other day and keeps her on Fridays for a few hours every week but also has a full time job so her ability to help during the week or weekends is limited). My SL also recently started taking ML during the day on weekends. We have ML Mon-Thurs full time and evenings/ nights the rest of the week.
I feel like my life has completely changed and is starting to affect my relationship with my HB.
MIL hates me. She doesn't hate me as much when my HB is at work or gone. When HB is home, she sticks to his side at all times. I cannot have a conversation with HB in front of ML because she gets agitated (if looks could kill, I'd be dead). She is rude to me and treats me like sh*t. She has cussed at me, tells me this is her house (she thinks we moved in with her) and has constantly told me to get the f**k out of her house. When my HB is not home, she can be sweet and is not as rude to me so I understand it is a jealousy thing.
We have had to watch what we do or say in front of her to avoid putting her in a bad mood. Little things that we use to do such as giving my HB a kiss goodbye when he leaves or comes home, sitting next to each other at the dinner table, watching a movie together in the living room, having a conversation are all things we can't do anymore because it makes ML angry. Being able to go to the grocery store or appts. for my self and kids without having someone watch ML are things I can't do anymore. I sound selfish but those are all things that are important to me and I feel like it is affecting our relationship.
I have talked with my HB several times about how I feel but last night, I told him I am done. I am mentally exhausted. I can't do it anymore. A couple of weeks ago she complained and criticized our dinner and said how s****y it was for the entire time that we ate because she knew I made dinner and my HB sat next to me. For 30 to 45 minutes I had to listen to how horrible my food was (even though she ate it all). I lost it! Got up and said "better than nursing home food" this went right over her head and she forgot I even said that 5 seconds later but I know it hurt my HB and I feel terrible about it (for him). This is not who I am or who I want to be. I usually just take her words and try to not let it bother me but lately I feel like I've had enough.
HB does not think ML is ready to be in a NH and thinks I need help. ML is helpless. He says I should block everything she says and let it go because she has a disease and this is temporary. He is not forcing me to keep taking care of her but he is definitely making me feel guilty for saying I can't do it anymore. His solution is to hire someone to come in and take care of her while he is at work. This would help but it wouldn't change the way she treats me or give us back our "normal life". Also, before ML moved in, we saw her no more than 1 or 2 times per year so I am a complete stranger to her and I never had a relationship with her. Please help.
and I don’t think your hubby has a clue what 24/7 in home care costs which is much more than memory care where there are trained caregivers. She could live many more years I hope you know
And a person with this disease cannot be reasoned with, cannot be expected to take others' feelings into consideration, cannot be expected to remember what was said 5 minutes ago. A person with this disease can become verbally abusive, physically abusive, and exhaust everyone around them with their care needs.
But you and your husband don't have the disease. You have the responsibility of keeping yourselves healthy and sane while providing your MIL with the level of support she requires. This does not mean you are the ones who have to directly provide that care. And, from what you posted, she requires a level of care that is way beyond the scope of what you, your husband or extended can emotionally and physically provide.
It's time to step back and disengage from the emotional aspect for a moment so you can make some decisions. Regardless of where she is, your MIL requires full-time care from someone other than you. Whatever that looks like, from moving her to your SIL's or her grand-daughter's, or hiring 24/7 in-home care that is separate in all ways from what you and your husband do in your own lives (like meals, sitting together, etc.), or moving her to a memory care facility.
Who has your MIL's powers of attorney? If no one has established this, it's time to do so. And it's time to take charge of your lives, even if your husband isn't with you on this.
Does she see a doctor? She/he should be able to make informed recommendations.
While MIL is elsewhere make the trips to find her placement, maybe two options and let your husband choose between the two options you present. Or better yet invite your husband to join you, if he doesn’t go along then make the decision yourself. Be certain to ask what evaluations and documentation each facility requires for placement.
I’m sorry to say this but your husband is the problem not your MIL. As long as you continue to take care of his mother he will let you, he is not wanting to make things change for your well being or that of your marriage. He has made his choice and you will have to make yours.
I’ll assume you will get her moved out, then you and your husband will need to get some counseling to repair your marriage. He has chosen his mother, it is painful and you deserve so much better. Be strong. Be brave. You can take charge of your life.
My husband cares for his extremely difficult mother with dementia one 24 hr. period in a month, and we keep her for several hours every Sunday. She has a full time care giver hired by the family and this dear woman gets 1 day/night off per week. The adult siblings take their turn with their 24 shift.
My MIL was rarely kind to me over the last 40 yrs. I’ve known her. She was all about her 2 daughters and I was the “enemy” and rarely included. Now, my SIL’s expect me to help out. My loving husband has told me, “No, this isn’t your responsibility...especially in light of her mean spirited behavior toward you over the years.”
I wouldn’t think twice of placing her in a nursing home. She had her chance to live her life the way she wanted. Just because someone has dementia, doesn’t mean there’s a universal rule that it should ruin the adult children’s lives.
If your husband’s disagrees, and he puts his mother above you...then this issue is a marriage issue that needs to be addressed.
You cannot live like this, where you can’t even enjoy a meal or a movie or even a kiss with your spouse without abuse. She has to go into whichever type of facility is appropriate for her. She cannot be there with you any longer. Once that’s squared away, you can assess whether your marriage is salvageable.
I suggest having another family member have her move in with them and if that can't happen, see if you can move MIL into a Senior Apartment and hire a Live In as that would be about 1/3 the cost of hiring Caregivers in Shifts for 24 7 Care.
All the family could take her one day a weekend to give the Live In a break, therefore you might just have her one day a month.
Check your MIL finances and see if this is something affordable.
If not then start
Checking on Nursing Homes. Find a couple, show them to your husband and then let MIL choose the one she likes best.
In the end, you are the only one to take care of you.
Start going places and let Your husband stay home with his mom all day by himself and after a few weekends, he'll realize what it's like for you and will be more understanding.
Sad when people lose their minds but in this case, seeing someone once or twice a year is understandable that you are a stranger to her and she sees you as you're invading her home.
Prayers
Doesn’t look like families have any alternatives also the cost of NH is prohibitive, parents who don’t plan ahead or give their children Power of Attorney are being unrealistic, ( I’m assuming they have a loving , caring , attitude.
It helps to have a discussion long before the need , so that all consents and provisions are agreed for when and if the occasion arises.
Advice to shift your MIL around from house to house isn't good. People with dementia need familiarity and continuity. A Memory Care ALF would be best because they are fully equipped to deal with her behaviors 24/7, while you are not *nor should you be expected to*.
I hope you do show your DH all these responses and that he has a reality check as a result. Caring for a demented elder in home reaches the point where it becomes impossible for the vast majority of us, as you are now seeing. When your MIL starts playing with her feces and smearing it all over the place, we'll see you back here asking for advice about what to do NOW!? That's how this scenario often plays out. Then she needs an anti strip jumpsuit to sleep in along with a Depends and a liner, so she can't get into her pants and make a mess. THIS is where dementia/ALZ often goes..........downhill FAST.
Research nearby Memory Care ALFs. My mother lives in one and let me tell you, she gets a GREAT quality of care over there that I could NEVER give her here as I'm only one human being. Common sense dictates what needs to happen now.
In the meantime, I suggest you read up about dementia/ALZ at Alzheimers.org and watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube as she is a wonderful teacher on the subject & can provide you with valuable coping strategies as well as hands on techniques to use with MIL.
Wishing you the very best of luck getting through to your DH and getting him to see and to FEEL your pain. Placing his mother in care is not 'abandoning' her; it's helping her AND it's saving his marriage, which is what ought to come FIRST.
Okay, so we are all worried about COVID-19, well what if the wife dies, what then...won't the husband have to find a way to care for his mother?????? Just saying...I took care of both my parents and I am not taking care of anyone else's mother...caring for my parents almost killed me!
After 15 years of caretaking, I placed my mom in a NH to keep her safe and to save my health. After a lifetime of exceptional health, I was just diagnosed with a serious heart problem. They "don't know" when or why this developed, but I'm sure the years of stress took their toll, overloading my body with cortisol. The rest of my life is diminished. This could be your fate if you ignore your own needs.
Your husband desperately wants to help his mother, a good son and a good person. It's hard to admit a parent's state is beyond your means to help. His experience and yours are different here, but neither of you can know how long this stay could be or how hard it can get. You have to both fight the denial. Sorry, but it WILL GET WORSE! Save your marriage -- and your lives -- by moving MIL into a care facility while you still have the energy.
You have some good plans for hands-on help, but It must be very defeating to endure MIL's criticism. Your exasperation at her complaints certainly justifies your outburst of "better than nursing home food." I think if it were me I would be tempted to take a "vacation" for a couple of weeks and stay in a hotel, but that might be harder to do during COVID.
If MIL has a daughter that is who she should be staying with and if that is not possible it is time to put her in NH as doesn't get any better, only worse. My dad passed last year August 22 and I miss him terribly but if what I know now I knew then I would not have moved him into my home...it caused a great big mess in my relationship which to this day has not healed and I doubt it will.
My sister in law and I said we would NEVER care for our MIL cause she has two able bodied daughter, and grandchildren...she is not our mother and main thing is we did not have a relationship with her. She was plotting to move into one of her home...she stated so, but thank God we both are strong and independent and said hell no! When she was plotting to move in she started calling us and sending birthday cards and giving us Christmas gifts. Really lady? We did not fall for it!
Tell your spouse you love him, but his mother is not your responsibility...I am sorry you are going through this, it is not easy when it is your own, and it is even more devastating when it's not your own parent. Tell your spouse it is time for NH...yes it is hard, but for your sanity...you need to do it! I was losing my mind, no sleep, not eating and cried all the time especially when I thought about if I died before dad who would care for him?
I wish and hope for you all the very best and that a favorable solution is reached and reached fast! Hugs!
Take care of yourself and of your relationship. Say no.
I would suggest a camera with audio.
your options are hiring outside help and she remain with you or reconsider assistive living in a memory care unit .
it doesn’t sound like a healthy situation and your husband has blinders on .
I have lived in a mother /daughter.
Recently , My mother past and we are planning to sell and move my dad into an assistive living bc the stress is affecting our mental health , physical health , blood pressure , not to mention our relationship . My husband fall asleep at 8:30 the other night after a stressful day .
i wish you the best .
My reply was “There are many posts about guys who are ‘keepers’, and it often seems to depend on them being helpful, non-assertive, and pleasant to be with. Unfortunately, many of them seem to be incapable of standing up to mother. Give him a clear choice - you or mother. If he won’t choose, get out. The compromise solutions are just another way to show that you don’t come first.”
I do hope that things are sorting themselves out. Yours truly, Margaret
In a short time she may need diapers, refuse to bathe, get violent, walk out of the house while your sleeping, drink Murphys oil soap when no one's looking because it looks like apple juice (my precious mom drank blue nail polish remover because she was thirsty). I'm so very sorry but you're out of your depth.
The choking concerns me. At a nursing home, they have special meals for those who tend to choke. They will even have someone feed her if that's needed. They have a large supply of diapers and pull ups. There is someone around and awake 24 hours a day in case something happens. She can make friends who are in the same boat. Havibg that was a great comfort to my mom.
I would start touring nursing homes. A good one can be a life saver. You will know when you walk in whether it's goid or not. Pay attention to the way the people are treated.
Good luck and be strong. If your MIL moves to a nursing home, you can visit often. You'll just have someone else doing the heavy lifting.