My mother in law who has alzheimers and dementia (and her dog) moved in with my husband and I about 10 months ago. She was living with her longtime partner but he passed away.
It was either a NH or our home at that point. She is unable to cook or even remember to eat as well as keeping herself safe. When my sister in law came to us about moving ML in to our home, both my HB and I made the decision to have her move in. At this point, I had no idea how it would affect us.
ML has severe alzh and dementia, she needs 24/7 care. She needs help with everything except using the bathroom, and cannot be left alone. She recently started having BM accidents and chokes on her food sometimes. ML gets easily confused, asks the same questions or tells the same story over and over all day long. I am her main caregiver because I work from home. I take care of all of her needs (HB has started helping more on his days off but this just recently changed. She has in home care set up with her grand daughter who has been helpful. She helps her shower every other day and keeps her on Fridays for a few hours every week but also has a full time job so her ability to help during the week or weekends is limited). My SL also recently started taking ML during the day on weekends. We have ML Mon-Thurs full time and evenings/ nights the rest of the week.
I feel like my life has completely changed and is starting to affect my relationship with my HB.
MIL hates me. She doesn't hate me as much when my HB is at work or gone. When HB is home, she sticks to his side at all times. I cannot have a conversation with HB in front of ML because she gets agitated (if looks could kill, I'd be dead). She is rude to me and treats me like sh*t. She has cussed at me, tells me this is her house (she thinks we moved in with her) and has constantly told me to get the f**k out of her house. When my HB is not home, she can be sweet and is not as rude to me so I understand it is a jealousy thing.
We have had to watch what we do or say in front of her to avoid putting her in a bad mood. Little things that we use to do such as giving my HB a kiss goodbye when he leaves or comes home, sitting next to each other at the dinner table, watching a movie together in the living room, having a conversation are all things we can't do anymore because it makes ML angry. Being able to go to the grocery store or appts. for my self and kids without having someone watch ML are things I can't do anymore. I sound selfish but those are all things that are important to me and I feel like it is affecting our relationship.
I have talked with my HB several times about how I feel but last night, I told him I am done. I am mentally exhausted. I can't do it anymore. A couple of weeks ago she complained and criticized our dinner and said how s****y it was for the entire time that we ate because she knew I made dinner and my HB sat next to me. For 30 to 45 minutes I had to listen to how horrible my food was (even though she ate it all). I lost it! Got up and said "better than nursing home food" this went right over her head and she forgot I even said that 5 seconds later but I know it hurt my HB and I feel terrible about it (for him). This is not who I am or who I want to be. I usually just take her words and try to not let it bother me but lately I feel like I've had enough.
HB does not think ML is ready to be in a NH and thinks I need help. ML is helpless. He says I should block everything she says and let it go because she has a disease and this is temporary. He is not forcing me to keep taking care of her but he is definitely making me feel guilty for saying I can't do it anymore. His solution is to hire someone to come in and take care of her while he is at work. This would help but it wouldn't change the way she treats me or give us back our "normal life". Also, before ML moved in, we saw her no more than 1 or 2 times per year so I am a complete stranger to her and I never had a relationship with her. Please help.
You are burned out, and rightfully so. You nor your husband are equipped to be dealing with someone that far along in their disease. Your husband might feel he has to take care of mom out of some sort of misplaced guilt or something, but really enough is enough. Is having her in your house really worth risking yours and your husbands relationship over, or worse yet you losing your health over?
Maybe your husband should take a few weeks off of his job so he can stay with his mom 24/7 and you go take a little vacation, and let's see what he thinks about all this when you return. Wishing you the best.
I honestly do not think having her stay much longer is worth risking our relationship, this is why I am speaking up now VS keeping my mouth shut for months or years until I get to the point where I no longer want to be in my own home.
I like the idea of taking off for a few weeks, I would totally do that if I had the ability to.
Time for sil to take mil!
"I lost it! Got up and said 'better than nursing home food' this went right over her head and she forgot I even said that 5 seconds later but I know it hurt my HB and I feel terrible about it (for him). "
THIS is losing it?!?! No, it's not. There is a lot more that I would have said by that time.
" He is not forcing me to keep taking care of her but he is definitely making me feel guilty for saying I can't do it anymore. His solution is to hire someone to come in and take care of her while he is at work. This would help but it wouldn't change the way she treats me or give us back our 'normal life.'"
When does H think she will be ready for a NH? And why would HE be paying for a caregiver?
10 months is long enough. How about going somewhere and letting your H deal with his mother?
I have went on a few trips for work- 2 days max and he told me how stressful it is, he tells me all of the time he drives her nuts.
Your wife has asked for us to respond to a message she posted here on the caregiver forum, and that she would show you the responses. So I thought I would cut out the "middleman" so to speak, and reply directly to you:
First and foremost: I am sure you are a loving husband and son who wants what's best for both wife and mother. I am sure you feel as though you are caught between the proverbial rock and hard place, and that whatever your decision is, you will be in the wrong.
This is a dilemma that most (if not all) caregivers are forced to face every day. Live with LO's needing help or place in a facility. Hire help or do it all alone. Memory care v. nursing home. Seek life extending medical intervention or place in hospice. The list of choices is endless, and rarely is it a choice between good vs. bad. It's usually bad vs. worse. vs. worst. Unfortunately, this is now where you and your wife (and your mom) are at. Ignoring it, burying your head in the sand, expecting that this will magically get better will only compound the problems. None of us want to be in this position, but, for better or worse, that's where we are.
Your mom needs more help than you and your wife can give her at home. Even if mom and wife's relationship was rock solid, that would still be the fact. And the disease that she has will only progress further and further. The longer you put off finding some sort of outside help (preferably placement in a facility) the harder it will be to do eventually. And chances are you are going to need placement for her eventually. Very, very few people can keep a dementia/AZ patient at home until they pass. To be able to do that, you need absolutely 100% dependable help, care and support from everyone in the house, as well as outside help. Which you clearly do not have.
This doesn't make your wife a bad person. It doesn't make you a bad son. If your mom needed heart surgery, you would seek professional help, because you would know that you don't have the skills needed to do it yourself. Placing mom in a facility specializing in her illness is also a form of seeking skilled medical intervention for her. And placing her doesn't mean that your caregiving will stop - you can ask any number of people on this board who have LO's in a facility. It just means that your responsibilities will change and shift to other things she will need done.
Your wife has told you that she can't do it anymore. You need to take those words to heart. It's time to seek alternate help for mom. Mom needs it; your wife needs it; and so do you.
Good luck!
Beautifully said and I like your approach to addressing her husband directly. Right after I finished reading it, in my email box was something from "A Place From Home," which is how I was originally directed to AgingCare four months ago. The subject line read: "How Much Care Does Your Parent Need?" and although I haven't even opened it up to read it and it may not talk about this issue directly, I still thought it was an apropos question.
Your KIDS are exposed to this behavior?
I agree that he should try being the solo caregiver for a few weeks while you take a break. If he finds that this works for him and mom, you have your answer as to where his priorities are.
If mother is starting to choke and had become incontinent, she needs placement. She needs specialized food and observation while eating.
1. Call the Area Agency on Aging and arrange for a needs assessment to determine what level of support is needed.
2. Get mom to a geriatric psychiatrist for meds to even out her moodiness, iritability and possibe paranoia.
3. Understand that being isolated in a single family home with no socialization is making MIL worse.
Dementia is not an excuse for abuse.
Tell your DH to man up and start the process of finding placement. It will be better for all involved including your MIL who will get the care she needs 24/7 and she can socialize with her peers instead of hijacking your marriage.
Just curious, how did DH and his sisters manage to rope you into this responsibility for THEIR mother? Now after ten months you are rightfully burned out, and DH is guilting you to keep doing it??
I can see why your relationship is starting to suffer. I'm sorry you are going through this.
MIL only has 2 kids, my husband and one daughter who is/was also my best friend. I have known her longer than my husband. She thought it would be a good idea to have MIL move in with us because I work from home. When my SL asked about having her move in, we were supposed to have a lot of help and support from her and her adult daughters which never happened. I had to beg for help on the weekends and let her know it was either that or the nursing home in order to get my SL to take MIL on the weekends for a few hours.
How is the dog? Can you keep the dog if she goes to a facility?
The dog is another story, MIL had 5 dogs when she moved in. We took 2 of them in (one of them was really old and had to be put down shortly after). The dog that she has now will be staying with us, I had to completely re- potty train her. When MIL's partner got more imobile, nobody was letting the dogs out to go potty so they started going in the house. To answer your question, we are going to keep the dog with us, she is not so bad compared to MIL lol
Is it possible, until she gets placed, to not look at her? Then you wouldn't see the anger and ugly stares.
Your husband needs to start telling his mommy to stop with the nastiness. That's enough mother! Is totally acceptable in this situation. Just letting her tear you down is contributing to the abuse she is dishing out on you.
Unfortunately adult children can not always get past the parent child dynamic and they let a demented mind run the show. He needs to come to terms with the FACT that this person is not a capable, reasonable adult that he must submit to. She is a child in her mind and he is now her authority figure. He needs to act like the adult and say something when she is being abusive.
Her needs will only increase and so will your stress if something doesn't change. If the situation is not working for everyone involved, it is NOT working and must be changed.
You gave it an honest chance and it is not working, time for a change. Why doesn't mom go live with his sister that thought her moving in with you guys a viable solution? They are responsible for her care, not you. They need to step up and deal with their mom.
I hope that your husband doesn't put his mom above you, he promised to forsake all others for you, not her. However, it happens in life and those decisions have ruined many marriages. You need to decide what your deal breaker is, because his mom could live for years and he may decide that he is in it for the long haul. Can you deal with this for years or would your health and wellbeing be destroyed? You need to really look at what you are willing to deal with and what is best for you, even or should I say especially if your husband is not willing to put her in a facility or have her move to sisters house. No marriage is worth it if you are miserable all the time and feel like you don't matter to your spouse, I am sorry to say it but, I think that you have to love yourself enough to set and enforce boundaries in life. Otherwise there are people that will eat you alive, even spouses.
I don't think that his solution has addressed what I read your problems with this situation are. You still have no marital time, you still can not behave as a wife and he as a husband. Does he not understand what the problem really is?
Best of luck getting this sorted out and getting mom the best care for her condition.
Is it possible, until she gets placed, to not look at her?- Lately, when my husband is home, I pretty much just stay in the bedroom or take really long showers, go to walmart for 3 hours. I try to avoid her at every cost but we have always sat at the dinner table together and had dinner as a family. We also have 4 kids that still live with us so I sit and have dinner with my family as I always have. We always include her at dinner time and we have altered our lifestyle since she moved in. We use to go camping at least three times per year but this year, we stayed home a lot.
My husband says MIL has a disease and I should just ignore her nasty behavior towards me.
Why doesn't mom go live with his sister that thought her moving in with you guys a viable solution? - I had to pretty much beg her for help on the weekends and she refuses to keep her mother overnight. I doubt that she would be willing to keep her more than 24 hrs.
I really hope that this doesn't affect our relationship either. My husband is the most caring and selfless person I know, I think the guilt of knowing he "locked his crazy mom in a nursing home" is what is keeping him from seeing that a memory care home is probably the best for mom. My husband has never been close to his mom, even during his childhood days so I have a hard time believing that he doesn't want her to move out because of a bond that he has with her.
I don't think that his solution has addressed what I read your problems with this situation are. You still have no marital time, you still can not behave as a wife and he as a husband. Does he not understand what the problem really is?- This is the key point! Thank you! I am glad he got to see this and hear it from someone other than myself.
She could be like this for years if its ALZ. You are the one home with her all day. Tell DH you want your life back. You want what you had with him before Mom came into the picture. She needs more care than you can give. You can't deal with her nastiness towards you. She is not your mother, she is his.
Find things to get you out of the house when DH is home. Let him do the caregiving. Let him get tired of her following him everywhere he goes. Unless he is a very patient, laid back guy, this will get to him.
Recently I started taking trips to the store, I will be gone for 3 or 4 hours at a time as soon as HB gets home from work just to get a break from MIL and so that I don't have to deal with her negative behavior towards me. I feel like this is creating a distance between HB and I.
Please have your husband read "FarmGirl21's" thread called "Are There any Caregivers who are Assisting a Spouse in Caring for Aging Parents? How Do You Navigate that? Especially, "lacyisland's" response as he is a man who ended up divorcing his wife over this type of issue.
Not only is it in the best interest of your marriage to have her in a memory care unit where she can be with people her own age and with the appropriate staff who are trained to handle the disease in its entirety, it is most definitely for the sake of your marriage and also, please think about any responsibility that is being placed on her granddaughter who should be living and enjoying her life. You are not equipped to handle the disease, the behaviors that go along with it or the vitriol that she is displaying.
I just put my mom in memory care after nearly dying in April from COVID and several other issues. She is finally starting to get involved in doing some crafts and allowing them to take her to the dining room. She has plenty of interaction with the staff because they provide more frequent care throughout the day and night. There is no way my husband and I could do it. My husband already is suffering from severe anxiety (he loves my mom very much), had to take a FMLA for six weeks while wondering if he would even have a job to return to after working for the same company 27 years. He is a better caregiver than I am but, he would not be able to handle it nor would I do that to him.
You feel like your life has completely changed - because it has and will continue to do so under these conditions. You have talked to your husband letting him know how you feel and where you stand - apparently it isn't soaking in. Your husband doesn't think she is ready to be in a NH - she is MORE than ready. She is choking on food which I don't know about you but, if I even hear someone at a restaurant who starts to choke on something, I get upset and panicky. I'm quite concerned about the abuse you're taking and your husband saying "you need help."
As for hiring caregivers, that may not be the best solution. I know my aunt did that for her husband and for different reasons, they would quit and then have to go through the whole process all over again to find someone else. My aunt went through at least 5 different caregivers when my uncle was alive. Many would be chased off because of his mom's behaviors especially if she is abusive towards them.
Please remember your husband is supposed to put you and your own family first - that's what "leaving" and "cleaving" is all about. Both of you are at high risk for developing your own health issues if you continue on this path that is not working. She will not change ever except to get worse with her behaviors especially if you've never had a relationship with her. Dear husband, when you are trying to induce guilt onto your wife, you are manipulating her plain and simple along with trying to place any kind of blame that should actually be on your mom and displacing it onto your wife whom you are supposed to "love."
I know that all the other people who've commented have great advice so I hope you will read each one thoroughly and take it to heart.
Please take heed before it's too late or you will find yourself in a place you do not want to be in!
I honestly think MIL would be a lot more happy in a memory care facility, she would have a place she knows is her own and would see us as visitors when we visit her instead of people who took her home from her or invaded her home. I want her to move out before I get to the point of not wanting to be around her at all, so that I could still visit her. Not that she remembers me or wants me around but to be there for my HB.
Thank you for taking the time to give us your honest advice. When my HB told me I need to seek help for my feelings, I felt like he slapped me in the face. I need help for agreeing to help with MIL, keeping her safe, clean and fed for the past 10 months? But I am truly glad that my HB asked me to join a support group because I think reading words coming from an unbiased person is going to help him more than it will myself.
I suppose that he may have some kind of sense of obligation, but, anyone would see your home situation as untenable. I'd likely have to explain to DH that it's not just the hands on work duties, when a PWD is in the home, but, it's stressful mentally to be with a person who has no boundaries. She can't help that she has no boundaries, because she has brain damage. There is no way to prevent her negative behavior. She can't process it and would forget it, if she did. Outside help is going to be a challenge too. If she's mean to the helper, it might be difficult to keep help.
Many people with dementia are very unhappy, rude, resistant and difficult to manage. Medication does help some people. It worked wonders for my LO who has dementia. I'd consider if that would make a difference. If not, I'd explore my options. Is this a deal breaker? Get legal advice from an attorney, so you know your rights and obligations. It's always good to be informed. I might inquire about a Caregiver Agreement, so you get paid for your around the clock work. If they have to pay you, then, DH's position might change.
I honestly feel that he is wanting to keep mom in our home because he wants to avoid the guilt of knowing he put her in a nursing home. MIL is on Medicare and Medicaid, i'm sure this would cover most if not all of the cost of a memory care facility. MIL has no kind of property or assets, there is no type of inheritance.
We do have her on a medication that is supposed to help with her mood but I don't think it is working for her.
Honestly, I never expected to get paid but even if I were getting paid to take care of my MIL, I would not be able to do it.
First of all, it isn't about how MIL treats you or whether or not she likes you. I am totally uninterested in that. So let us assume she is a sweetie who loves EVERYONE? The fact is that 24/7 care is, to my mind impossible. I don't know how people do it. It was never something I ever believed I could possibly do for a day. And I was a nurse who loved her job. For which I had great pay, did it only 8 hours a day, and 3-4 days a week with huge benefits and vacation days. I have always known my limitations. I cannot imagine doing this.
So basically, for ME, it would be, "Look, I am so sorry. I didn't really understand what this care would be. Whether or not you get me 8 hours of help a day, this is not something I can do. Whether or not YOU become the primary caregiver as in your give 60% of the care, this is not something I can do. I cannot share my home, my life, my husband with another person no matter WHO she is. I am sorry if this makes me a wanting human being, but I guarantee you that I won't be applying for Sainthood any time soon. Don't like the arrows or the gruesome death or the fact that mankind will then pray to me to fix things for eternity; bad job description."
So details are unimportant. You have concluded that you cannot do this. As in ER dumps where the Social Worker says "We can make this work; we will get you help", the truth is this will NOT work, and they could NEVER get you enough help to make it work. That is the lie, knowingly delivered, to get this argument over with for the day and get the elder back home under your roof.
Just admit your limitations. Tell him he has a sad choice to make, and you will expect to hear him shout at you "It's ALL YOUR FAULT" from now on, but cannot do this. Sorry. Can't. Sorry. Can't.
Don't argue the issue. Just make it clear. It is now MIL stays or goes. You stay or go. Tell him if you are forced out of your home you will still love him, you will still stop by with groceries once in a while, give him a break in his care giving, but that you will now reclaim your own life, with or without him.
Sorry. I know he is a good man, well meaning and loving. But this won't work for you. Remember, this isn't about MIL behavior; this isn't about how much hubby will help; this isn't about your job. This isn't about your SIL. This is about you will not continue to live there is MIL does. Give him time to then consider options.
I am 78. I am closer to MIL in age than to you. I would NOT want this for my daughter; she is well clear and aware that this must never happen, no matter WHAT happens to me.
The whole support group thing made me laugh. That place where you go to REPEAT your miserable day. Where people tell you "Oh, I am so sorry". Where people say "Your feelings are normal; so sorry". Where people say "Can you afford more help". Do you REALLY have time for that, as well. Ask him if he does after caring for his Mom for a week.
And there's an idea right there. Any friend you can move in with for a week so he gets a taste of life in the fast lane before he makes his decision. As I said, a good, loving, and I am certain handsome man. But, no. Sorry. No.
The whole support group thing has made me giggle after all of the support I have received because it's actually backfiring on the HB lol He thought I was going to come on here and get help on how to deal with MIL and have her stay longer. I am making sure he reads every one of these responses, after all, it was his idea =-)
Your husband's suggestion of your attending a support group is good but not by yourself. Attending one and trying to explain to him what the experience was like won't do a bit of good. He needs to be there. Because of COVID there has been a pause in live support group meetings. There are however virtual meetings being conducted. Call the Alzheimer's Assn to find out more (800-272-3900). There are excellent books that can help you both understand dementia and its diseases. "The 36 Hour Day" and "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's" are two. I'm not going to guess what your DH's state of mind is other than he's not empathic. It's nice that you're sharing these posts with him. Ask him to post his own questions or concerns on this forum. There are men on this forum who can relate their experience, advice and suggestions. I hope he has thick skin. Good luck.
Do her doctors know that she is violent? Or is that a big shameful secret to your DH? I can empathize, but he is damaging his kids and his marriage.
My brother was convinced that we shouldn't bring in Hospice until mom didnt know us any more. Thankfully, at the end, I stood up to him and told him that mom's NEEDS outweighed his nonprofessional perceptions.
This is your DH's first rodeo with dementia;he needs to hear from medical professional that there are better ways to manage mom's needs.
I don't care that her brain is broken, she DOES NOT get to bring abuse into the home any longer.
Your children DO NOT deserve the stress of watching their grandmother abuse their parents. Whether you want to face it or not, this is adversly affecting them and can scar them for life.
Man up dear husband and put her in a facility that can deal with her disease. That you would have more compassion for her then your wife and children is very disturbing. They, not her, are your 1st responsibilities.
That your sister basically lied to get you to agree to moving her in means that her opinion doesn't count. Either mom goes to her house or a facility, staying with you is no longer an option.
Open your eyes, this is destroying your wife. All for a person that you don't really like? You do love your wife, right? Then act like it.
Sorry if I sound harsh but, letting her abuse your wife, your children and yourself is beyond unacceptable and you are actually condoning the abuse by not protecting them.
NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE, EVER!
I joined this forum at the advice of a social worker. I joined a support group because I wanted eye to eye, in person interaction with others. I went to a therapist too. All were helpful!
Nothing changed! Absolutely nothing until I decided to take all of the good advice that I heard from others and implement it in my life.
You know that your situation is not working. That is why you were smart enough to reach out to others. Your husband knows that this is not working.
Your mother in law has a broken brain so I am not touching that issue. I am simply not qualified to address it. I did not care for a person with any type of dementia so I don’t have experience on the matter.
I will address your misery! I had my mom in my home for 15 years. I dealt with it. I feel your pain!
I will address your marriage. Even in the best of marriages, it is a strain to care for a loved one. I am married over 40 years to a wonderful man but a person can only deal with so much before becoming frustrated. My husband had a right to his feelings. You have a right to yours.
It’s time to discuss options for your mother in law. Actually, it is past time. No judgment from me. I was in your shoes. I absolutely regret dragging my feet. I was blind. Sometimes if we are too close to a situation we are blinded by it. We become immune to it. It’s sad but true.
Who am I most grateful to? The people who were realists and gave me direct advice. I was broken. Extended caregiving will break us. If I can help just one person to be spared from the heartache that I went through I will be happy.
None of us can save the world and I am not looking to do so. I know my limitations. I only hope others can learn from my mistakes. I allowed my caregiving days to continue for far too long. It doesn’t serve a good purpose for anyone.
All the best to you and your family. I will keep you in my thoughts. Take care.
Maybe, maybe, with better medication, you might be able to buy some time. But with someone with end stage Dementia, with behavioral issues, double incontinence and choking, you are really looking at someone who needs 24/7 monitoring. You can't work and do this at the same time. Frankly, no ONE person can do 24/7 even when they are NOT working.
To some folks "putting mom in a nursing home" means that you are abandoning her. As someone whose mom was in a NH for 4 1/2 years, my siblings and I are here to tell you that among the 3 of us and our siblings, it nearly wore us out. At least for me, 90 minutes a day, it wore down my marriage, decreased my earnings (needed to drop a weekend job); wear and tear on my car, not to mention the near daily phone calls to the facility trying to straighten stuff out.
My mother got MUCH better care in a NH than any of us could have given her in our homes; she had docs, nurses, med techs, dieticians, OTs, PTs, speech therapists, laundry ladies, hairdresser, dentist, audiologist, opthamologist, geriatric psychiatrist and dermatologist all looking after her.
It takes a village.
All of that to say...you need a break. Let him take some time to care for her. Let him see how hard it is on you. Let him change her when she craps her pants.
Also, Record what she says to you and play it back to your husband. He needs to be in you shoes.
He needs to see how bad it really is. Can you visit someone for at least two weeks and leave him to figure out all of this? Even if he hires out help it will not be a walk in the park. It is not right that most of this falls in your lap. And even worse, that you have kids at home who have to have their lives disrupted over this. Are you prepared to never go on a family vacation again or even see your kids participate in sports because you can't leave MIL home alone? It will not get better.
This has truly helped me realize that I should feel no guilt in making the decision to let my HB know that I am done.
I do not need therapy or counseling, I am not physically or mentally able to continue caring for my MIL at this point.
I had my HB read through the responses that were posted this morning and I will make sure to have him read through the rest, not to tell him that I was right or that I have the right to feel this way but to make him see the suggestions, advice coming from people who do not know me or him. This morning I felt like I was at fault for even telling him that I am done but reading all of your comments makes me feel like I did the right thing.
Guys are "fix it" beings. If it can't be fixed they try to ignore it exists. And this cannot be fixed. This cannot be made pretty, nice, perfect. There isn't enough fine facilities and enough money in the world to make it perfect. This is going to be painful. To many. Not just to him. He needs to tell his Mom he will be there for her, but not in his own home. And you need to tell him you will be there for HIM, but not to the extent you sacrifice your own life. Many here are doing one on one care for an elder. Perhaps most. Or did it in the past. They will be the FIRST to tell you that.
My heart out to you both.
Then when the wife is at her wit's end? Husband complains that Wife is a selfish witch who should be happy to take care of his Mama.
He IS forcing you to take care of her. He's trying to mend fences with Mama for all the time they saw each other 1-2x a year. Making himself feel better with a "I took care of her when she needed it." Even though he's not doing a thing.
I hate to say you need to leave, because it's YOUR house and you shouldn't have to. But it looks like this is the only way he will understand you're serious about getting Mama into a NH. Let him handle Mama 24/7. Oh, he'll miss work? Too bad. He wants Mama to stay, so he'll have to quit. You say you'd leave for a bit if you had the ability to. How do you NOT have the ability? If you have a car and a little bit of money, even a hotel for a week would likely be enough to show him how bad it's gotten.
She sounds like she was probably a crappy mom to her kids and husband wants to "fix" the relationship so he'll have a better conscience when she dies. Too bad his conscience isn't a problem with you.
Darn it all to heck!
Your mother is long gone from normal. I thought perhaps she would be nice to you if your wife was out of the way, because she was jealous of your wife and her relationship with you. Now it seems that’s not true, and she can be violent with you. In the bad old days, if she had survived this long, she could well be considered ‘mad’, kept shackled in a madhouse. Now she can be cared for properly.
What are you waiting for? Reconsider your primary responsibilities right now, and do something about it.
Here's what your husband needs to understand -- his mother will receive far better care by professionals than the most well-intentioned care by the two of you. You need to be part of a team with professional caregivers at a nursing home to do the hard work while you and your husband's family just love on her.
What you're doing now is noble, but truly, isn't what's best for her. The choking alone will get worse because that happens with Alzheimers-- are you prepared and able to handle feeding her an all liquid diet? How about handling a severe choking episode? These are the issues you and your husband need to plan for, because it's better to do the work in advance than in a crisis.
No, you don't need therapy. You're doing a job that a staff of many do at my mother's memory care facility, and you're trying to work, too. It's untenable, so I hope your husband realizes it before it destroys your marriage.
Remind him that his job is to see is mother is safe and cared for, but that doesn't mean he or you are required to do it. His job is to do what's best for everyone, and clearly your present situation is not best for everyone.
I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with what I'm about to say which is fine but, I will give your husband credit for 1) at least having conversations with you about the subject and 2) allowing you to share with him what the members on this forum are trying to point out to both of you because if he wasn't going to listen to you or anyone else, you'd have a much bigger problem on your hands so I would be thankful for that (as well as suggesting it in the first place).
You mentioned in your reply to my earlier post that you think it will help him even more than yourself to read unbiased comments - I think that is true in many cases throughout our lives. Those closest to us sometimes are the ones we brush off while we're more open to someone we don't know - either way, if he's willing to listen that's half the battle.
It is much easier for a man to say "just ignore x,y,z" - they seem to be able to do that while our emotional side is screaming "I can't."
You mentioned to someone else you think he wants to avoid feeling the "guilt" of placing her in a NH. It was very hard for me to put my mom in an ALF back in 2015 when she wanted to remain in the home we lived in since 1968. In her new facility in the memory care wing, she has actually said a couple of times that she is "comfortable" there. That's all I can ask for under the circumstances.
You two enjoy reading all the responses "together!" And we'd love to hear how it goes. Wishing you the best -
Your MIL has issues that will never change - and will most likely get worse. She has definitely lost her social filter and says whatever pops into her head. She may see your HB as her husband or a boyfriend since Alzheimer's type dementia patients lose their most recent memories and tend to march backward through time in relationships.
You should not have to give up being affectionate towards each other or walking on eggshells in your own home. It appears you need to consider several options to maintain your marriage while making sure MIL is cared for:
1 - "Your time".
Create time every day when it is just the 2 of you since MIL is hostile to your marriage. Decide on when is "your time together" daily and some added times together weekly/monthly. During "your time" MIL should be cared for by others: family, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help.
2 - "Work time"
During "work time" somebody else should care for MIL since she can not be left alone. Either work different shifts so you can take turns caring for MIL, hire somebody to care for MIL during times you both work, or arrange for adult day service program that can care for MIL in their facility.
3 - " Counsellor"
Consider going to a counsellor together while somebody else watches MIL to address issues that are making home life difficult. It helps to have a live professional to talk to and to devise new coping strategies.
4 - Full time Residential Facility or 24/7 paid help
I save this one for last since it is expensive. At some point MIL will become even more difficult to manage. Many Alzheimer's patients lose day/night boundaries. They will wander the halls/rooms and interrupt sleep of the rest of the family. You have already mentioned that MIL can not be left alone - ever - and her mental issues may make her a risk to wander off or do things that risk her health or safety. When this happens, she will need a very safe environment and fulltime care. The solution is either 24/7 round the clock caregivers - preferable paid help - or sending MIL to a facility that can provide this type of care - a memory care unit. Both of these solutions are the most expensive options but should be paid for through MIL's assets, never yours.
Alzheimers or other Dementias - guilt & love will NOT be enough.
Husband needs to face the reality of his Mom's needs.
Hopefully he will lose his denial before he loses his marriage.
Many have been down this road, down the slippery slope. There is a way out. A support group can help - may not be the way your husband thinks it will!
((((hugs))))