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My dad has dementia that is progressing where he now needs 24 hour help. My mom is unable to physically help. We have an aide for 12 hours during the day. My brother lives 5 minutes from them is now spending the nights at their home and it takes a toll on him. Before the virus I would visit 3 weekends a month to help out durning the night, grocery shop and help with anything needed. My brother doesn’t not work. I have a full time job. He would like me to quit my job to help out and now thinks I am using the virus and an excuse not to visit and help out. He is very angry at me and probably burnt out. I have tried numerous times explaining when the stay at home order is over I will be there. This is not good enough for him and will not accept that. I am 67 years old. My husband has diabetes and I am fearful of giving my parents the virus and myself getting sick while there from possibly one of their aides. We are not speaking at this moment as he thinks I am using the virus as an excuse as he thinks I use my job as an excuse as well not to come and help.
I have found an aide to help for a few nights a week but he refuses. He doesn’t want another person in the house because of the virus, but it is ok for me to come into the house and possible give them the virus or myself get sick .
I am terribly upset. It’s about my parents safety. But he lives there and doesn’t understand my position that I don’t live there and it is not safe for anyone to visit the area.

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You are both right, and both not considering the other's problems.  I agree with PP, at a minimum your brother needs to be paid.   Even if that will bankrupt your parents, that is coming sooner or later.  He should be paid going rate for caregivers, have a written agreement, which needs to be notarized.   Money does not solve all problems, but if you are able to work, and he is not (because he is likely a zombie at this point), it is only fair.

You can certainly order food online, monitor meds, etc.
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Your brother thinks you use your job as an excuse? Well it is an excuse and a good one. Your father is at the point where family cannot meet all his needs. It is time to recognize that. When others are expected to give up their lives (your brother and you) it is time to place them. I also agree that visiting now would be placing them in a dangerous situation. I haven't seen my father since late February as his AL will not allow visitors. But I know he is safe and well cared for. What happens if your brother gets sick? Or you?
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Lorinros, I vote for you not quitting your job. Your immediate family comes first and you can help your parents and brother. Your brother is clearly burnt out. He has expectations for your that are not reasonable in the long-term. I do agree that finding a facility is logical. 24-hr care exceeds the annual cost of care in a reasonable facility, unless you are hiring unskilled people and paying them under the table. But this is not truly sustainable in the long-term and so other options should be considered. You will need to have this conversation with your brother so he knows clearly where you stand and that you will provide help you are willing to give, not what he "expects" without your agreement. Assure him you will help him as much as possible. Then you need to sit down together to discuss more permanent and practical solutions. Blessings to you!
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Nothing but FEARMONGERING theories.... No one actually knows.
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Do not quit your job. Think about having groceries delivered so you don't have to shop. Having been a caregiver for my wife, I can emphasize with your brother, but your wellbeing and your husband's is your first concern. What kind of straights would losing your job put you in? Paying him might help but it wouldn't have worked for me. Payments don't relieve the stress, sleeplessness, and anger your brother feels. It's time for a care facility for your dad. If you're paying for homecare 12 hours a day for even 20 days, excluding weekends, a memory care facility would be less expensive at roughly $6000+ a month. Start making some contacts and doing the upfront paperwork so that when the restrictions are lifted your father has some place to go. Burnout is real, and your brother is apparently at wits end. But your stress is equally real. Start calling facilities.
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This is difficult for both you and your brother. I totally understand why you don't think you can go to help out.

BUT...I also understand your brother's extreme burnout. Night after night of interrupted sleep (which I'm betting is the case?) is a form of torture.

I totally agree with gladimhere -- time to pay your brother a fair rate for the care he is providing for your parents. The money should come from your parents, not you.

In my case (which was nothing as involved as your brother's), I was the local sibling who had to do everything (didn't live with my mother, fortunately!). I was very resentful about this (particularly because my mother was so unappreciative towards me). I felt a lot better about it all when my POA brother paid me $20/hour (which my mother never knew about; it would have made her very angry as she had told me, "You don't pay FAMILY!"). I considered it as just a job. And it was never taxable, either, as it was considered a gift. (No danger of my mother ever going on Medicaid.)
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Is bro paid a fair rate, legally, for the care he provides? If not, maybe it is time to start. That would at least let him know how appreciated he is.
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Don't quit your job. Take care of yourself and your husband. You are correct you would bring just one more source of possible infection. You have offered to find a caregiver to come in and help while you will not be able to.

Yes, bro sounds overwhelmed and burnt out. Isn't he being with them his choice, that he made? That doesn't give him license to tell you what you should do. Your first responsibility is you and your husband. Husband working with the homeless puts him and therefore you at higher risk. That in turn would be carried to the folks and brother if you were to go.

But the short answer is just stay put.
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Your brother is indeed burnt out.

That is not your fault.

It would be highly irresponsible on your part to continue your visits to your parents' house. Your solution of additional paid help as a substitute for your own supplementary caregiving is the correct solution. His refusal, and his bitter anger, are simply further symptoms of burnout. Be calm and continue to offer the correct solution.

It is upsetting, one does feel heartless with a great many choices one is forced to make for the time being, but be as clinical in your thinking as you can. God willing we none of us will have to sustain this for too much longer.
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cont..

I thought I'd cool down (nope still angry for you).

Brother is maybe overwhelmed & focused on getting you to do more - not looking at the bigger picture - which is getting the care they need with a plan that works for ALL of you.

Currently, through the crises: If you need to stay home to protect your DH with diabetes & yourself, stay home. Tell him that. You have found an alternative (o/n aide) but he's refused. That's his choice but the consequence will be his also - he will then be the one providing that extra care or leaving them undersupervised.

After the crises: visit & have family meeting with your brother. 1. Look at the current care plan you have in place. 2. Reassess it. 3. Change the plan as neccessary.

If he insists the plan will work if only YOU do more etc you may need a mediator - an impartial third party to assist & bring ideas. (Social worker/area of aging/church official?)

It may be possible to stay at home longer but he will have to accept outsider help. That's the reality he has to now face.

The next one will be that at some point, especially when dementia is involved, the question of home care vs facility care rears it's head.
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MAYDAY Apr 2020
It will come to when facility care rears it' head..It seems to always come down to that in one form or the other.. No way around it, it's just a matter of time.. start looking online now at facilities near you or parents home or somewhere in between.. Get an idea of these places and what they offer, gradual caring.. independant, to more care, etc... How much etc.
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CMS.GOV.

COVID-19 UPDATES. I TRIED COPYING IT. It's not working.. Look it up, it should help you and brother to a solution.
Mu aunt is in a faclility, I am not allowed to visit, but then again, the caretakers are free to come and go when needed.. so??? Take your risks, reduce them, wash hands frequentely, wear necessary garb, and disinfect surfaces... your hands, cabinets, door knobs, cell phone.. etc. I am not that detailed at home :(
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MY NURSE FOR MY AUNT HAS TO HAVE ALL THE ESSENTIALS ON BOARD.. EVERYONE NEEDS TO TAKE THERE TEMPERATURES BEFORE ENTERING A PATIENT'S HOME. IF IT IS ELEVATED, THEY CANNOT GO IN. YOU AND BROTHER SHOULD HAVE A LOG OF THIS, JUST IN CASE...
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Before we all get stuck into your brother... I'm sure you & your folks really appreciate all the hard work & care he provides. He may have carer stress already, then all the added stress of the pandemic.

Now, gloves off.

YOU get to decide who you help, how you help & how often. You get to decide to continue working or not & where to live.

Brother decides these things for HIMSELF - how he helps, how much etc. He does NOT decide these for your life. What you both offer & do does NOT have to match.

How you explain this will depend on your style. Gently in a kind sympathetic phone call, with direct honest plain talking (or even an emotional confrontational fit).

tbc..
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I am kinda siding with your brother. I think I would feel the same way.. Make sure you take your temperature before entering. Have your brother witness it too.
Nurses have to see their clients. So the government allows this with precautions. Go to COVID.GOV. It will list want needs to be in order: temperature, gloves, masks, and possibly disposable foot coverings of some sort. CMS.GOV. LOOK IT UP. Don't make this an excuse to drop in and see your parents and give your brother a bit of a lunch break... Do your homework, look up the details. Call your parents doctors and see if they are extensively at risk to have you visit, or another caretaker.. Do as they say or suggest...Do a conference call with your brother to the doctors so there is no mistake on what needs to be done.
COVID.GOV or CMS.GOV is the website... look it up, and talk with your brother. Understand what he is going through. Your job, employer, should understand that you may need to have a 3 day week end once or twice a month to help take care of your parents, especially now with all this stuff going on. Truly. They may even allow you to work outside the office? Don't know what you do, and nobody needs that information on this forum.. TAlk with your employer, your brother, parents doctors, and come up with a plan that works best for your parents.
GOOD LUCK. :) Stay safe.
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