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Hi, all. Thank goodness for this forum, it has helped me through a lot. This is the first time I'm asking a question. Two years ago, my Mom, now 88, had a devastating stroke. I've been by her side, from the moment she had the stroke, through attempts at therapy, and finally here to hospice. I have considered it my joy to honor my mother, to be with her to keep our spirits up through thick and thin. and escort her out of this world. I've been told, no less than 3 times since the stroke that she only has a week to live, and now without notice from a medical personal, I sense that she is letting me know that it's time. She has stopped eating, long stares, and circulation is bad. I will be with Mother every moment until she passes to make sure she knows I'm with her. Having said all that, and having been the main caregiver, I dread going to the funeral. There will be relatives there that made my journey as a caregiver living hell at times. I also believe that once the soul leaves the body that the person is truly gone (or all around us.) Is it disrespectful to not attend the funeral? I will, no doubt, be inconsolable when Mom dies, but the thought of being around the very relatives that offered more bullying than advice or help during the difficult times is something I don't think I can put myself through. Thoughts? Thanks.

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My thought is that it's entirely up to you. Some people find going to a funeral helpful as a way to get closure, but that's some people, not everybody. You should do what you think will be most helpful to you.
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ATX, remember that you have no obligation to have a funeral procession, or even to have a funeral that's open to the complainers and meddlers. Funerals aren't necessarily for the individual who's passed, but rather for those who are still living. If those people weren't or aren't supportive, you have no obligation to either invite them or hold a funeral for their benefit.

You don't have to have an obituary in a paper or online. Don't give them any notice - they don't have a right to continue their poor treatment of you now, and unless they're heirs, probably don't even need to know.

You've done well by your mother; you don't need to extend that courtesy to uncooperative and/or critical relatives.

There is one person who's been a thorn in the side of one side of the family. I cut off relations with her years ago, sent a cease and desist e-mail notice to her and have no intention whatsoever of informing her when my father dies. And I feel good about it b/c she would only disrupt what should be a respectful event.
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Do you have to have a funeral? Maybe a small private remembrance just for you, and whoever you think would be supportive?

We had a big funeral for my Dad, and then a small celebration of life for people we were close to at the house afterwards. Maybe you could do that, and just be there for the smaller gathering. Or you could walk into the funeral JUST before it starts and leave immediately afterwards, so you don't have to talk to those problematic people. The pastor, or funeral director, should be able to guide you on how to do that.

In fact you might want to meet soon, before your mother dies, with whoever you think would have the funeral and do some pre-planning. I bet they've run into this type of problem before and might have ideas. If you do the pre-planning there will be many fewer decisions after your Mom dies, and you might find having a plan will decrease your over-all stress.

Or just don't have a funeral. They are not required. Or don't go at all, as dogperson said.

I am sorry to hear about your Mom. She is lucky to have had such a caring child up to the end.
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I'm sorry you are losing your mom.. and thank god she has you by her side at this time.

I agree with the others.... funerals are to comfort the living. It sounds like you should do whatever is going to comfort YOU the most during that difficult time. I for one could not stomach a funeral for my parents as my entire family has turned their back on them while living... so I would not want to see them carrying on and crying when they are gone.

Who is putting the funeral on?
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I'm sorry about your mom--and your pre-grieving, too.

Funerals can be just awful---and you do not have to have one.

If you have one, and go, you'll be chewed out by "family" right?
If you have one and DON'T go, you'll be chewed out by family, right?
If you don't have one, you'll get chewed out by family, right?

Kind of a no-win. You'll have to search your soul for the answer that is right. Of course you want your mother's life "marked".

Funerals are for the living. The dead don't care. It's a tradition that we have made into an obligation. I agree with Katie--do what makes YOU feel best.

I am not having a funeral for me. My kids are asked to put in a granite bench with my favorite poem inscribed in it near the crematory niches. It's in a beautiful hillside cemetery in a small town where my hubby's ancestors all are.

I believe in an afterlife--and that the ones we love are still among us.

{{Hugs}}
Liz
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Is it disrespectful not to attend the funeral, you ask.

Disrespectful, to whom?

To your mother, no, not at all. The time you spend with her while she is alive is infinitely more meaningful. Honouring her memory you will do for the rest of your life. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

To the general public, mmmm, yes and no. There are social conventions. Among them is that a person's children would normally attend her funeral, and if they're not there it says something about the family. *What* it says, exactly, is a different question. But, yes, you will be raising questions in the public mind. Do you care? Are there people outside the family you wouldn't wish to puzzle or unsettle?

To the rest of your family, yes. So? What about them do you feel respect for?

I'm writing as someone who no longer has any contact with my three siblings. I did go to my mother's funeral, though. I spoke to friends and other, more distant family members, I refrained from telling anyone what I thought of them, and I left - I had a legitimate excuse - immediately after the service.

But take it from me. If you don't want to go to your mother's funeral, don't go. It is FINE not to go, and nobody else's dam' business.
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I’m considering not going since mom and dad have planned their funerals and I’ve nothing for me to do. I’d rather not go. I’ll never see the relatives again now, after they’re passed. But this is my choice I I cannot care less what anyone thinks.
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What wonderful folks, you all are. Oddly, this forum feels like the first real support I've had! My sister, the out of town instigator, is having the funeral, and her minions will be with her. Cousins, that my mother didn't care for. (They took advantage of her financially.) I like the idea of arranging with the funeral home to maybe have my last moment, if I feel the need at the time, alone. Thank you all, so much. I wish you all peace and joy.
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Sorry don't mean to write a book. Me & my adult daughter are the sole caregivers for my father who we not particularly close too before his stroke. He was not the easiest person to get along with. The stroke has brought on full blown dementia. A neighbor called ambulance. He was left in hospital & then placed into a nursing home facility. His sisters contacted me on Facebook to let me know what had happened. To make a long story short .. he now lives in my home & we care for him. No one has bothered to come see him, including his wife. They have all disappeared. I have planned a funeral for my father but there will not be a service. You are not obligated to have a service for the very people who are not offering your loved one any care or love. You do what you feel in your heart.
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Why does out of town sister have authority to have the funeral? If you have the time and inclination, you could check with an attorney in your jurisdiction to see what law applies, but, I'd consider that she may not be able to just horn in. Not sure if it's worth the time and aggravation, but, if you want a private service without annoying persons in attendance, I'd check it out.

Also, you can have your own memorial service later on with people who supported you and her during her life.

I'm planning a combination wake/tribute to my LO in my home to last from noon-4:00 on first Saturday after her death with food, beverages, candles, photos, flowers, so we can celebrate her life and talk of all our memories. With no other family members or friends who contributed any time or interest in her at all since she got dementia, it seems fitting to me, as I expect just my parents, siblings and MC staff to attend.
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My Mom passed last Sept. I had been upset for a while with the Church that she had done so much for. The minister, of 19 yrs, never visited, called or sent a card. Either did his wife. The women she had worked closely with and known for years, no visits or calls. When Mom passed, I had the viewing an hour before the service and the service with a family friend preciding. I had the cemetery for immediate family and hand picked friends I invited and they came back to the luncheon. Other people I wanted at the luncheon I quietly invited as I saw them at the viewing. This cut out those I didn't feel I wanted there.
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JoAnn, that makes my blood boil and heart ache. My goodness, I'm glad you took the high road and honored your mother in such a thoughtful way. I suppose God will deal with that minister.
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Just want to say, I have noticed a lot of nontraditional funerals lately. Some just keep the whole thing as just family. With cremation the family usually has a memorial service at another time. With my MIL, she was buried in a National Cemetery with my FIL. Both had to be cremated to be buried there. She passed in Feb and we had her service in May near their anniversary. A close friend held a very nice outdoor luncheon.
Your Mom is 88. How many friends and family are left. You can do whatever you want that you r comfortable with.
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ATX - I didn't go to my father's funeral for the reasons you mention. I was not his caregiver -I lived at a distance - but I was there for him in every way I could be. and he knew it. I visited him not long before he died. He told mother he knew he was dying but he would not die before he had seen me again .She conveyed that to me. Si I went ti see him. Then, after he died, the family dysfunction escalated (my mother and my sister), and I knew I could not bear the abuse they would heap on me, as well as dealing with the loss of my father, who was my nurturing parent. So I didnt go. What did people think. Haven't a clue, but aunts and uncles and friends from my hometown knew my mother and the difficulties she caused. Whatever.

Do what is good for you. As others have said - You have been there for her all along and that is what is important. (((((((hugs))))))
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Wow....your post hit a nerve with me. After being the lone ranger, and doing the funeral arrangements, some of my family disparaged that my Mother's funeral was "too secular". It was in a church, presided by a minister, prayers said, scripture read, hymns sung.....but the fact that one song was "The Red River Valley" and a non religious poem was printed on the back of the program.....judgement came down on me.

If we were sitting having coffee....my advice to you would be....have a private viewing with your Mom before the funeral, sign the book, tell the funeral director to tell your holier than thou siblings you were there......Take yourself out to a nice lunch, go sit under a tree....go home and take a nap.

You are serving your Mother well now. Well done.
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I’m sorry for the loss that’s coming your way. Others are very wise in saying you should do what you’re comfortable with and nothing more. Relatives can think whatever they want. My very loved mother’s funeral was so unpleasant for me, I’ve blocked a lot of it out, it included feuding brothers and a completely inept minister. Wish we all could have missed it! Your mother has been blessed to have you, and you to have her, and I wish you peace in the days ahead.
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Nothing can honor your mother more than the work you have done thus far. If people gossip that you did not attend the funeral, so what? You did what counts.
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Prayers for you during this trying time.

What would your mother want you to do?

Think it over and make the decision one you can live with.

Again, sorry your mother is so ill. Glad you are together!
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These days "tradition" is out the window.

My 93 year old aunt asked me what I was going to do when my mother (95) passes. I responded she would be cremated, nothing else. She asked about a memorial but I didn't understand why. There are only 4 siblings left (all elderly) and me. One is in Texas, the other 3 in Northern California. None of them are able to travel. Mom's in Tijuana, Mexico where I live.
Why would I bring her ashes up to Northern Cal just to say a few words? I'll be busy doing other things.

I don't feel bad that she won't have a service. She's suffered with dementia for 7 years and has outlived most everyone she knew.

I told her to pull out some old pictures of them both and remember the good times.

Please do what's best for YOU. My beliefs are your mom will be in Heaven and I'm sure she doesn't care if there is a funeral or not. She knows you love her.
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You are NOT required to have a funeral. When my brother passed he requested nothing be done, not even a newspaper notice. He was cremated and buried without fanfare. I have seen people who are never around when support and care is really needed BUT then show up to a funeral.
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Your answers are all so helpful. I wish I had read them before my dads recent passing. I did not attend funeral and am ok with that decision. Ironically the troublemaking heart wrenching pain sibling didn’t even show up. I have one elderly friend left in the world. He reminded me I did the best by my dad. And I didn’t quit no matter how many siblings bullied me. He said I have no guilt and didn’t need to go to funeral. He’s right. Only thing that hurts still is the fact I couldn’t be there for my mother. I know in my heart all this pain is the doing of my troubled sibling. She will never take away what I did for my dad to the end. Or take away the joy he had in me making sure he had quality to his life, especially the last few months.  My siblings could be mentally ill, but I really don’t think so. I think worse, they are biologically just mean selfish people.  They will never succeed in stopping me from caring for my mother the same way in her end. Even if mother sides with them. One day they may feel the pain of their actions. But I doubt it. 
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I have to face the same thing. I suspect that if I did not have a service, the trouble making siblings would go all out and have a big hurrah with full choir and three or four ministers, and then tell everyone who comes that nasty old me didn't REALLY care enough for parent to even show up! It's a no win situation - and the church has done nothing to help. No visit from anyone at the church except when they were told that I was mistreating parent and wanted to see for themselves. Dad said ' keep them out!'
I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Have had relatives pass away and just tried to stay the heck away from siblings, at the service, and leave as soon as possible. It's already weighing on me with anticipatory grief and depression and this just makes it worse. Do whatever makes you feel the best - if you have been her caregiver, that's the greatest love anyone could have shown. You deserve peace and quiet and to look after yourself for a change.
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You have my sympathy. I am in a similar position with similar relatives. As the main caregiver, do you have influence over what happens next? I live in a small Midwestern town where there is a trend toward skipping the traditional viewing, service and burial in favor of a memorial service some time in the future. Often these are private affairs. Perhaps this would be both more meaningful for you and easier emotionally.

If this is not an option, feel free to do what feels right for you when the day comes.
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ATXcaregiver: I'm sorry about your mother. Here's a philosophical question of mine (I've never seen it anywhere) that serves me very well in answering difficult dilemmas: In a week, a month, a year, five years from now, what could you regret?

When I ask myself this question, the right answer is immediately clear. Could you regret you had skipped the funeral, or could you regret you had attended the funeral? There's no guilt to whichever you answer as long as it's right for you.
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That's why I am only going to have a service at the cemetery. No funeral parlor. No lines of strangers telling me how sorry they are.

My dad was Jewish and as such had to be 'in the ground' within 24 hours. There would be no time for anything other than getting him to the cemetery. It was the easiest funeral ever! Some family came - most did not. I didn't care. I honored his wishes and my DH has given me permission to do the same for him when his time comes. It is an option for you if you're the one in charge of the funeral. More and more people are bypassing the Funeral Parlors.
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Dear ATX,

I was in the same boat a year and a half ago when my mom passed. It was a Catholic funeral. My sibs never even told me about the funeral as we were estranged through some ugly happenings. I found out from her friends. I decided to make my presence and go only to the mass. Fortunately, I asked 5 friends to attend with me, and they all accepted. I was surrounded by their love and support. I would never have gone alone. I needed them and the anxiety meds my doctor gave me. I would like to have gone to the reception if things were different, but they weren't. The sibs turned both aunts families against me but her friends and neighbors knew that I was the caregiver. The sib showed up when her health declined, but did very little otherwise. I was with my mom until the end and I think she knew it. That I can feel good about.

I decided to go to the funeral, so I would have no regrets later. As a friend said, it is part of the closure. I know many who have not gone due to the same reasons of dysfunction and had no regrets. If you can find support somewhere then maybe you can decide. I wish you the best. You have done your work and your mother knows it. Bless you.
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I am so sorry for the loss you will be experiencing in the near future. Funerals like weddings have become outlandish as well as extremely expensive. You have been there for your Mother when it meant the most to her & you.
You are already grieving for your Mom (most caretakers do before their loved one dies). So, little by little, you are already saying your goodbye to her as you take care of her. Therefore, the funeral will be for the living to say goodbye and to honor her, which you are doing now. You can also go to the funeral home at a private time, one just for you, to have one final time with her if you so desire.
Remember, funerals are something we humans invented but are NOT necessary. Please don't let family or anyone else make you feel guilty if you decide not to attend the funeral service. You have been there for your Mom when it counted the most for her
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Going to a funeral or not is any one person's option.
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My condolences on your loss. Please don’t feel obligated to cater to an out-dated concept of saying goodbye. After my elderly father's death last year we decided to hold a memorial service a few weeks later rather than a funeral. He wanted a cremation so close family met for a private burial of the ashes. The memorial served as a celebration of a long and varied life and gave us time to contact his many friends. We have a large family so this also gave them time to organize travel to attend. It was much less expensive than a traditional funeral which was a big consideration, and was less stressful for my elderly mother. My siblings chipped in for a pizza lunch, we had photos and momentos to share, and time to visit and share memories of Dad.
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My sister and I gave my mother who passed away last week a very simple "direct cremation" she didnt have any friends and those she had were scattered far and wide accross the world - there was no attendance by both of us but instead we had a great wake and raised our glasses to her memory - it really did lessen the grief - Its not dis respectful at all - its however you see fit to celebrate her life - my sincere condolences on your loss.
Micky C
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