HI, my father lives in spotsylvania and I live in stafford. He is going to be coming to live with me and my husband. I have crohns disease and need some direction on how to best help my dad and myself.
Every person has a unique situation & story so please keep that in mind every time you reach out here. I lived and took care of my mother-in-law from March 8th, 2007 thru November 10th 2022. My husband and I made our decision together with my mil and my bil - who is blind and has autism - to live together. It was a family successsion plan, We all made a lot of mistakes and assumptions. To make my loooooooong story short I will give you bullet points coming from the main caregiver and the spouse/in-law.
> Get everything in writing with legal assistance. Who will pay for what? As a female/daughter what happens when he needs help going potty, bathing, brushing teeth, vomiting? These are all things that is difficult to watch especially for a dad to have a daughter see and help with. So, is your husband willing and able to take over? The main issue we had is no matter how much care you pay for and bring into your home there will ALWAYS be a time when your dad will need help from you and your husband. All of this comes at a cost.
> Communication and respect is a necessity. And I mean communication between you and your dad, your dad and your husband, and the 3 of you together for household living issues but most importantly you & your husband have to communicate openly. What will you do if this puts too much stress on your marriage? What is your plan B, C & D? This also goes back to #1 with legal advice.
> Never ever choose your dad over your husband. Just like they say with children you must show a united front. I can't stress this enough. There will be conflict like in every household, so make sure the conflict doesn't come between you.
> Make time as a couple to make sure your relationship remains a priority. Sex should remain a priority as well so make sure you carve out private time in the house. I found my mil wanted us all the time and didn't really give us space even when we set boundaries. Even in her "healthy" years she constantly called us for help.
> Talk about what your dad wishes for the end of his life now before he doesn't have the mental awareness. This also goes back to getting things in writing and legal assistance.
> Do you have siblings? They add an entirely additional dynamic but that is just one more reason to get everything in writing.
Finally, I have IBC (irritable bowel constipation). I ended up in the hospital bleeding for a week due to the stress I was under. I had to close my business. My husband ended up having to quit his job after being called home all the time for various reasons. This is a whole other conversation. I also have fibromyalgia which on some days is debilitating. Just be hyperaware of the toll it is taking before it's too late for you. I didn't. I could write a book on everything not to do BUT at the same time don't misunderstand me. I loved and still love my mil like she were my own mom. Otherwise I wouldn't haved moved in. We are grieving and will forever keep her in our hearts. Just know you have agreed to do something that is incredibly challenging.
There are people here that helped me immensely so continue to reach out. I now do Tai Chi and Yoga. I truly believe it saved my life.
All my best,
Kim
PS so much for trying to making a long story short. 😀
My father is 92. For most 92 years old he's amazing. He lives alone, is relatively low maintenance, etc. And, when he passes I'll likely inherit money and two houses. It's a good situation, far better than what many go through.
The thing is, even this easy case is exhausting for other reasons.
1. It's been 5-years. Anyone for 5-years can be exhausting. I dread any call after 6:00 PM, because god know's what's coming. He's obsessed about his mail. He won't get help, just a worry wart. The constant neediness of having to see and talk to him every day. And he fights everything I try to do to make his and my life easier. 2. I have a stressful job. My boss is a lying POS. I went from being the best employee to the worst in my department since his arrival. I'm paid decently, even well for places not where I live, I'm not poor, but I feel stuck. When I talk to my father about getting a new job he cries. Really, he does, because he's afraid I'm going to leave him alone, but, he won't accept help. 3. Your social life. Be prepared to lose it. So much is going to revolve around him. 4. It won't get better. So many times I thought I was seeing improvement, then two months later, we were behind where we started. 5. And there's your health, which has been discussed. My job has affected my physical and mental health, maybe in serious ways. Caring for my father has affected my mental health. Stress is the cause of most of it. 6. And the little things. My father is blind, yet, he has to remind of that every couple of minutes. I know it's hard but goddamn, every couple of minutes?
Caring for a parent, even in good shape, is still hard for all the reasons that being married, having a roommate, a job, anything else is hard, plus the rest of it.
Hi I'm Maximus - I'm fearing what's to come with my husband's and my future. My parents are in their 90's with minor health issues, but my mom always puts guilt on me. Read my posts.
AlisonRoddy01: Please rethink your decision to have your 76 year old father move in with you and your DH (Dear Husband). You have Crohn's Disease, which is a very debilitating disease. You cannot nor should not do this as a sick person cannot take care of another sick person.
About 3 years ago I was diagnosed with IBS and Chronic Colitis. On the stomach issue side ask your GI about Dicyclomine for cramps when you are having GI symptoms. You might also ask them to get you something for when stress causes your stomach to flair.
On the caring for your father thing. Read the comments below there's lots of great advice. From personal experience if you raised children, they didn't come with a manual. Your father won't come with a manual either. Do your best and try to keep some sense of humor.
My advice......go get some pictures of yourself made. This will be a record of how much you will change while taking care of your father.
I think if you have illness you couldn't work, and is your husband who was supporting you, if your dad want to come and live with you, the answer was simple, because you didn't feel well, let your dad understand your physical and your financial situation, if he can help or consider to stay way. Matilda
You've stated that your father is dealing with anxiety, arthritis, depression, sleep disorder, diabetes, incontinence and mobility problems.
Any and all of these can disrupt not only his quality of life, but yours as well.
The best input that I have:
1. Know what you need to do to care for yourself and do it. Do it consistently! When I brought my mother to live with me 5+ years ago, I was in fantastic health both mentally and physically and it's taken a concerted effort to maintain it throughout this very difficult season which upended my life. Just the lack of quality sleep that I've had to deal with has threatened to wreck my health, not to mention the daily grind of providing care for a 96 year old with dementia.
2. Accept the fact that you cannot fix anyone else's mental outlook, depression, anxiety or negativity. When I realized (finally) that I cannot make my mother happy, it lightened my load. I can wash her clothes, change her sheets, cook her meals, escort her everywhere, shower her, clean her in the bathroom, clip her fingernails, help her brush her teeth, etc. etc. etc. but I cannot make her grateful for the care. I cannot make her realize what I sacrifice to provide her care.
3. Have him assessed for therapy. Insurance/medicare should pay for this if he's eligible. Have his doctor order assessments from a home home care organization. They'll come in and see what he is eligible for. My mother gets physical therapy one day a week which is better than nothing.
4. Have him assessed for palliative/hospice care. Also covered by insurance/medicare. Again, contact a local palliative/hospice organization and have him assessed. My mother is under palliative care currently and when it becomes necessary it will be a quick transition to hospice.
5. Hire outside caregivers. This is out of pocket but worth every penny because it's for YOU. Hire as much as you can afford. If your father doesn't want it, do it anyway. I have 2 private sitters who come in 3 days a week for several hours to give me a break so I can get out. I pay them out of my mother's social security/pension income.
6. Very important!! Set boundaries!! Let your dad do as much for himself as possible. Providing good care is not the same thing as coddling him. Decide what you can reasonably do and not do. You don't need to become a slave to your dad in order to care for him.
7. If it gets to be too much and you need to place your dad, that's okay.
You'll learn as you go and things will evolve. But try not to let it take over you or your household.
Crohns? As a retired RN and a sufferer most of my life with IBS, which is on the low end of the spectrum for gut problems, my answer to this is "Please. no." I would discuss 24/7 in home care for an elder with your own specialist for your condition. I will be VERY VERY surprised if that MD supports a decision for inhome care.
Oh no. Crohns is serious. I have Ulcerative Colitis and moved my mom in with me in December. I flared up form all of the stress and now weigh 92 pounds. My brother passed away from complications of Crohns when he was dealing with her. If possible, consider Assisted Living. I realize that I never spend any time with my mom becasue I am always working, scrubbing and changing her, feeding her, medications, doctor appoinments, etc... If she were in AL, I would complete tasks early and be able to visit her calmly.
You don’t say if your father has dementia? This site is full of people who took their parents in to their home and are now emotionally, physically, financially, and socially wiped out because of it. Put your father in AL that has a memory care unit attached for when the time comes and be a daughter to him instead of a caretaker. Your health will not withstand the demands of caretaking.
The only way to help yourself is for your father to go into AL. You can visit him regularly, he will make new friends most his own age, have activities, be fed and safe.
With your health issues having him live with you would be very difficult at best.
Please think this through before going forward with this plan. Read around this site, lot's of valuable information here.
Many of us, (especially those of us who actually love and admire who their family members were before the ills and frailties of age chipped away who they’d previously been) feel that there is “no one” (no way), to lovingly care for our loved ones EXCEPT inviting them to join us under our roof.
I did it. And then I stopped sleeping, lost my job, and gained 60 pounds.
“..…how best to help my dad and myself….” is to familiarize yourself RIGHT NOW with what you and he will have available by way of in home 24/7 care OR the most comfortable residence available as near to you as possible if your new arrangement doesn’t work out, and make an unbreakable promise to yourself to execute your alternate plan before your welfare becomes more seriously compromised than his.
You will say “They weren’t successful caring for their relative, but I WILL BE”. And for a while, you may “succeed”. But if the cost to you is too great, that won’t be “success” at all, because one of you will be gradually sacrificing more and more and the balance will shift. And EVERY successful caregiving-care receiving relationship NEEDS BALANCE.
So think about how you will manage your situation(s) as you manage his, and consider how difficult it may be to do both, and research ALL the options, especially the ones you previously considered and dismissed, then think again.
My mother THRIVED in residential care for 5 1/2 years, her happiest years since my dad’s death. Be sure, ABSOLUTELY SURE, that you both can thrive in whatever choices you make. Your dad is worth a pleasant peaceful comfortable life, AND SO ARE YOU.
Do you really Have to Have himLive with you ? You could Just Hire caregivers to come in and take care of him. It is a 24/ 7 Job with Out a break and Only when you sleep and even Then . Contact elder services or a home Health care agency and get someone to help with His Hygiene , Bathing and Light cleaning . Try and find Him a Personal shopper . Get yourself a Therapist or social worker . You will need support . I am Not sure what His Diagnosis Is But My Dad constantly Lost stuff . He would become Manic . Join a support group . There are Life coaches who deal with Dementia . Get a Good primary care Physician .
Set yourself up for privacy and comfort as best as you can from the beginning. If needed, hire care providers (or even a housecleaning service) to come in and assist so your life feels as independent and fresh as possible for your dad (and for you). Set this up early so It does not need to be done emergently. Invest in an extra TV, etc., so your dad feels like he is not always intruding and he has his own space.
Focus on your husband so your relationship with him is less strained by the interjection of another person to the household.
I don’t know if your Crohn’s disease is as bad as what my daughter is dealing with or not. She is continuously in and out of the hospital.
There is absolutely no way that my daughter could be a caregiver to anyone. I would never expect her to be my caregiver. I want her to take care of herself.
Is your father aware of your health? You are allowed to change your mind about being his caregiver. Tell him that you have thought about this situation more thoroughly and you feel that it is best for he and you not to live under the same roof.
Help him find another place to live, whether it is an assisted living facility or a skilled nursing home, board and care home, senior apartment building with a caregiver visiting him, etc.
Does he require around the clock care? Or would he be okay with an agency or private caregiver?
Wish you had posted before you decided to take Dad in.
"Stress can trigger a flare-up ... Both Crohn’s disease and colitis are inflammatory diseases and can cause a variety of uncomfortable symptoms including: Diarrhea Unintentional weight loss Stomach pain Fatigue Blood in your stool"
Caregiving is stressful. If you do this, you are going to need BOUNDRIES from the start. Dad should do as much as he can for himself. Even if it takes him a while to do it. Do not be at his beck and call. The incontinence, hopefully he is using depends if not I would demand it. Hope he can clean himself up. He should be taken to the toilet ever two hours. Remember, its your home not his. You are entitled to your privacy. Give him a nice room, with a comfortable chair and TV. We had a poster her father took over their home even though he had his own room. Set boundries from the start.
I would go into this arrangement with the understanding that if it does work out that Dad will need to go to Assisted living or what he can afford. Make it a trial period. He also needs to pay towards the household expenses. This should be done by written agreement. That he pays so much a month for rent. Its signed by both of you and notarized. If Dad ever needs Medicaid, this will show where his money went.
Crohn's is a very serious and disabling disease. There is no way you should be taking on the care of your father. You need to be using your energy to look after yourself. Please look into other arrangements for him where he can be cared for by healthy people
PLEASE spend a few hours reading on this site what others are going through before taking such a big step. You may spare yourselves a world of trouble; even if you decide to do it, you would be better prepared.
> Get everything in writing with legal assistance. Who will pay for what?
As a female/daughter what happens when he needs help going potty, bathing, brushing teeth, vomiting? These are all things that is difficult to watch especially for a dad to have a daughter see and help with. So, is your husband willing and able to take over? The main issue we had is no matter how much care you pay for and bring into your home there will ALWAYS be a time when your dad will need help from you and your husband. All of this comes at a cost.
> Communication and respect is a necessity. And I mean communication between you and your dad, your dad and your husband, and the 3 of you together for household living issues but most importantly you & your husband have to communicate openly. What will you do if this puts too much stress on your marriage? What is your plan B, C & D? This also goes back to #1 with legal advice.
> Never ever choose your dad over your husband. Just like they say with children you must show a united front. I can't stress this enough. There will be conflict like in every household, so make sure the conflict doesn't come between you.
> Make time as a couple to make sure your relationship remains a priority. Sex should remain a priority as well so make sure you carve out private time in the house. I found my mil wanted us all the time and didn't really give us space even when we set boundaries. Even in her "healthy" years she constantly called us for help.
> Talk about what your dad wishes for the end of his life now before he doesn't have the mental awareness. This also goes back to getting things in writing and legal assistance.
> Do you have siblings? They add an entirely additional dynamic but that is just one more reason to get everything in writing.
Finally, I have IBC (irritable bowel constipation). I ended up in the hospital bleeding for a week due to the stress I was under. I had to close my business. My husband ended up having to quit his job after being called home all the time for various reasons. This is a whole other conversation. I also have fibromyalgia which on some days is debilitating. Just be hyperaware of the toll it is taking before it's too late for you. I didn't. I could write a book on everything not to do BUT at the same time don't misunderstand me. I loved and still love my mil like she were my own mom. Otherwise I wouldn't haved moved in. We are grieving and will forever keep her in our hearts. Just know you have agreed to do something that is incredibly challenging.
There are people here that helped me immensely so continue to reach out.
I now do Tai Chi and Yoga. I truly believe it saved my life.
All my best,
Kim
PS so much for trying to making a long story short. 😀
My father is 92. For most 92 years old he's amazing. He lives alone, is relatively low maintenance, etc. And, when he passes I'll likely inherit money and two houses. It's a good situation, far better than what many go through.
The thing is, even this easy case is exhausting for other reasons.
1. It's been 5-years. Anyone for 5-years can be exhausting. I dread any call after 6:00 PM, because god know's what's coming. He's obsessed about his mail. He won't get help, just a worry wart. The constant neediness of having to see and talk to him every day. And he fights everything I try to do to make his and my life easier.
2. I have a stressful job. My boss is a lying POS. I went from being the best employee to the worst in my department since his arrival. I'm paid decently, even well for places not where I live, I'm not poor, but I feel stuck. When I talk to my father about getting a new job he cries. Really, he does, because he's afraid I'm going to leave him alone, but, he won't accept help.
3. Your social life. Be prepared to lose it. So much is going to revolve around him.
4. It won't get better. So many times I thought I was seeing improvement, then two months later, we were behind where we started.
5. And there's your health, which has been discussed. My job has affected my physical and mental health, maybe in serious ways. Caring for my father has affected my mental health. Stress is the cause of most of it.
6. And the little things. My father is blind, yet, he has to remind of that every couple of minutes. I know it's hard but goddamn, every couple of minutes?
Caring for a parent, even in good shape, is still hard for all the reasons that being married, having a roommate, a job, anything else is hard, plus the rest of it.
On the caring for your father thing. Read the comments below there's lots of great advice. From personal experience if you raised children, they didn't come with a manual. Your father won't come with a manual either. Do your best and try to keep some sense of humor.
My advice......go get some pictures of yourself made. This will be a record of how much you will change while taking care of your father.
Matilda
https://www.crohnscolitisfoundation.org/what-is-crohns-disease
Any and all of these can disrupt not only his quality of life, but yours as well.
The best input that I have:
1. Know what you need to do to care for yourself and do it. Do it consistently!
When I brought my mother to live with me 5+ years ago, I was in fantastic health both mentally and physically and it's taken a concerted effort to maintain it throughout this very difficult season which upended my life. Just the lack of quality sleep that I've had to deal with has threatened to wreck my health, not to mention the daily grind of providing care for a 96 year old with dementia.
2. Accept the fact that you cannot fix anyone else's mental outlook, depression, anxiety or negativity.
When I realized (finally) that I cannot make my mother happy, it lightened my load. I can wash her clothes, change her sheets, cook her meals, escort her everywhere, shower her, clean her in the bathroom, clip her fingernails, help her brush her teeth, etc. etc. etc. but I cannot make her grateful for the care. I cannot make her realize what I sacrifice to provide her care.
3. Have him assessed for therapy. Insurance/medicare should pay for this if he's eligible.
Have his doctor order assessments from a home home care organization. They'll come in and see what he is eligible for. My mother gets physical therapy one day a week which is better than nothing.
4. Have him assessed for palliative/hospice care. Also covered by insurance/medicare.
Again, contact a local palliative/hospice organization and have him assessed. My mother is under palliative care currently and when it becomes necessary it will be a quick transition to hospice.
5. Hire outside caregivers. This is out of pocket but worth every penny because it's for YOU. Hire as much as you can afford.
If your father doesn't want it, do it anyway.
I have 2 private sitters who come in 3 days a week for several hours to give me a break so I can get out. I pay them out of my mother's social security/pension income.
6. Very important!! Set boundaries!!
Let your dad do as much for himself as possible. Providing good care is not the same thing as coddling him. Decide what you can reasonably do and not do. You don't need to become a slave to your dad in order to care for him.
7. If it gets to be too much and you need to place your dad, that's okay.
You'll learn as you go and things will evolve. But try not to let it take over you or your household.
Peace and blessings.
As a retired RN and a sufferer most of my life with IBS, which is on the low end of the spectrum for gut problems, my answer to this is "Please. no." I would discuss 24/7 in home care for an elder with your own specialist for your condition. I will be VERY VERY surprised if that MD supports a decision for inhome care.
I realize that I never spend any time with my mom becasue I am always working, scrubbing and changing her, feeding her, medications, doctor appoinments, etc... If she were in AL, I would complete tasks early and be able to visit her calmly.
With your health issues having him live with you would be very difficult at best.
Please think this through before going forward with this plan. Read around this site, lot's of valuable information here.
I did it. And then I stopped sleeping, lost my job, and gained 60 pounds.
“..…how best to help my dad and myself….” is to familiarize yourself RIGHT NOW with what you and he will have available by way of in home 24/7 care OR the most comfortable residence available as near to you as possible if your new arrangement doesn’t work out, and make an unbreakable promise to yourself to execute your alternate plan before your welfare becomes more seriously compromised than his.
You will say “They weren’t successful caring for their relative, but I WILL BE”. And for a while, you may “succeed”. But if the cost to you is too great, that won’t be “success” at all, because one of you will be gradually sacrificing more and more and the balance will shift. And EVERY successful caregiving-care receiving relationship NEEDS BALANCE.
So think about how you will manage your situation(s) as you manage his, and consider how difficult it may be to do both, and research ALL the options, especially the ones you previously considered and dismissed, then think again.
My mother THRIVED in residential care for 5 1/2 years, her happiest years since my dad’s death. Be sure, ABSOLUTELY SURE, that you both can thrive in whatever choices you make. Your dad is worth a pleasant peaceful comfortable life, AND SO ARE YOU.
Focus on your husband so your relationship with him is less strained by the interjection of another person to the household.
There is absolutely no way that my daughter could be a caregiver to anyone. I would never expect her to be my caregiver. I want her to take care of herself.
Is your father aware of your health? You are allowed to change your mind about being his caregiver. Tell him that you have thought about this situation more thoroughly and you feel that it is best for he and you not to live under the same roof.
Help him find another place to live, whether it is an assisted living facility or a skilled nursing home, board and care home, senior apartment building with a caregiver visiting him, etc.
Does he require around the clock care? Or would he be okay with an agency or private caregiver?
"Stress can trigger a flare-up ...
Both Crohn’s disease and colitis are inflammatory diseases and can cause a variety of uncomfortable symptoms including:
Diarrhea
Unintentional weight loss
Stomach pain
Fatigue
Blood in your stool"
Caregiving is stressful. If you do this, you are going to need BOUNDRIES from the start. Dad should do as much as he can for himself. Even if it takes him a while to do it. Do not be at his beck and call. The incontinence, hopefully he is using depends if not I would demand it. Hope he can clean himself up. He should be taken to the toilet ever two hours. Remember, its your home not his. You are entitled to your privacy. Give him a nice room, with a comfortable chair and TV. We had a poster her father took over their home even though he had his own room. Set boundries from the start.
I would go into this arrangement with the understanding that if it does work out that Dad will need to go to Assisted living or what he can afford. Make it a trial period. He also needs to pay towards the household expenses. This should be done by written agreement. That he pays so much a month for rent. Its signed by both of you and notarized. If Dad ever needs Medicaid, this will show where his money went.
If he cannot live alone and totally care for himself he needs to go into AL.
He is incontinent, this is a sign that he is not able to go forward on his own, how do you think that you will be able to care for him 24/7?
Think with your head, not your heart, do what is right for you.
Eg a daughter who provides a home & arranges all the care he needs?
Or to be Dad's 24/7 hands-on aide yourself?
Of course you can be both! But it can hard when the lines blur, or if expectations wildly differ from the reality.
I'd start by listing out for yourself all the help Dad will need.
Then list out what you are willing/comfortable to do.
What does that look like?
I don’t see how you can possibly manage being a caregiver to your dad.
Are you planning on hiring outside help or doing the hands on caregiving yourself?
I seriously doubt that your husband will want the responsibility to care for him in all of his spare time.
Your dad needs a lot of care. Have you thought of finding a facility that is near your home?
Choosing a facility would enable you to visit your father without having the responsibility of caring for him while you are caring for your own needs.
More answers like this will get you more detailed responses.
What is leading you to decide to move your dad in with you?
It seems like with Crohn's disease, you have your hands full taking care of YOU. Why are you going to add to the stress you already have?
Do you work?
Will dad be hiring caregivers?
Is dad's depression and anxiety being treated?
Why can't dad stay where he is?
What kind of relationship do you have with your dad?