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Long story but here it is. Mom's friend called and said she was declining and needed help. She refused to go to any home but mine. We are the closest out of her 4 kids but still haven’t been real close (narcissistic mom). We agreed to add on to our home to give her a place to feel comfortable and us to still have some normalcy. I’m noticing some signs of dementia. She gets angry if I remind her of anything so I bought a planner and just write what’s going on that day and cross out the previous day so she knows what’s going on.


My question is.. She gets really angry if I remind her of anything on hygiene or cleaning up after herself. So I have a dr appointment and wrote it in planner for her to shower before she looked at it and she ignored it. We have arguments at least 1 a week about her showering. I’ve asked if she’s scared she will fall, needs help, too much energy, forgets? She says no. Just that she doesn’t need to be told what to do. And that I’m not her mom. I’ve told her I put it in planner to remind her what day of week it is and that I put it 2 days a week so that I’m home to help if she needs it. She doesn’t want anyone for Home health coming in to help. She’s gone over 2 weeks when I just backed off and I can’t handle it! I’ve asked her to help me to understand so I can help her and she just says I’m bossy. She’s told me she wishes she were gone. She’s on antidepressants, I’ve tried to help her to focus on the positives. She just glares at me and goes down a rabbit hole of negative. This is getting so exhausting. Please any suggestions would be great. Another note and another topic she is a hoarder so I don’t know if this just attributes to it all? Things I should address with her dr and how to talk to them without her getting angry? 😣

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If at all possible (and using any "therapeutic fib" or ruse to accomplish it) get her in to the doctor to check for a UTI or medication imbalance. UTI's are extremely common in senior women and are caused by physiological changes, not just hygiene issues.

If you are your mom's PoA, that's great and you are in a good position to help her when she can no longer make good decisions for herself. Please read the PoA paperwork to understand the conditions under which that authority can become active (some require 2 diagnosis of cognitive incapacity).

If you (or no one) is her PoA, please make every attempt to encourage her to get this taken care of. Without a designated, documented PoA it will become increasing difficult to legally act on her behalf. And, if she gets a medical diagnosis of cognitive decline, this can prevent her from creating the PoA in the future (as well as cause issues of control among siblings).

If you manage to get her to the doctor (use a fib like, Medicare requires it) then go with her with a pre-written note explaining who you are and your concerns about your mom's behaviors and to request a check for UTI, medication, and memory and discretely give it to the staff or doc. They will do it for you. They did it for me. Also while there try to get her to assign you as her Medical Representative (a separate thing from medical PoA) this way the docs can legally disclose her private (HIPAA) info to you and you can supply them with info about her. I wish you much success in working to help your mom!
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Except for the hoarding issue, our stories are the SAME.

I would bring up issues with my mother's doctors, but being that she couldn't remember what the doctor said, she would just angrily dismiss the doc's wisdom when ever I reminded her. "THE DOCTOR IS NOT LIVING IN MY BODY!", she would say. Okay, then. So much for that.

The arguing and snappiness and general unwillingness of my mother to live according to my simple rules, along with the other effects of dementia, stressed me out so much that I was soon incapable of functioning, myself. I live with health concerns of my own, and it was all TOO MUCH.

She now resides in a LOVELY Memory Care Assisted Living Facility.

I even bought my mother a planner, like you did! She now carries it around with her in the Memory Care, and it feeds into her OCD. She eats a bite of food, comments out loud, writes something down in the planner, and REPEAT!

As they say in some programs, "Keep Coming Back!" You will learn a lot here! :-)

Best wishes.
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Thank you for all the answers. We went to Dr yesterday they are sending her for bloodwork and I’m putting together a note of all the things I need them to know so we can for sure know it’s dementia. She definitely has all the signs. I honestly think she realizes she’s slipping and it’s making her more irritable and worried about losing control of her life. She told the Dr yesterday she doesn’t want to have dementia when she couldn’t answer them why she had come to Dr. praying for answers and direction.
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Geaton777 Mar 2021
Yay! I also pray it is not a cognitive issue.
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If she's a hoarder, moving her probably cost her some of the hoard. Might still be a little angry about what she doesn't see in her new room - from the missing hoard.

Write a letter to dr prior to visit and ask him if he would ask mom some questions during the visit. How often do you take a bath? Brush teeth? Walk around house or outside? See what her answers are with you standing in the room listening to her answers - correct her as needed. Ask dr to tell her she needs to bathe X times a week, walk so far each day, etc. And if she needs help to do those things, he will order it. Home health can send a person to help, as needed, with a bath, phys therapy if she needs some exercise, etc.

If mom understands your conversation, then let her know these are the rules of the house regarding hygiene. If she wants rules set down by someone else, she can move to some kind of facility care that fits her needs. Ask her what she prefers so you can help her live where she wants to live
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disgustedtoo Mar 2021
It would be better to document everything before the visit and answer all these kind of questions so doc knows how to lead the discussion and questions. I would not recommend "correcting" her in front of the doc. She already doesn't like OP correcting her or being "bossy", so it would be best to avoid that. Maybe even stay out of the room, so the doc can weigh her responses with what he's been told.

Doc should also write the instructions in addition to recommending what she needs to do. She likely won't remember. Maybe, just maybe, coming from a doctor she might read it and do it. Have copies so if she loses or tosses her copy, you have another to post on the wall or include in her "planner."
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Hey...I don't even bring it up with my mom, it's useless and we're going on 4 years without a bath or shower...yeah, I know, and no, not kidding. We remember easily because we think it was just prior to my dad's 100th birthday bash and he will be 104 in May. We never had a good relationship and the "good" daughter is out of state in FL and useless. Mom might have responded to her or to my father, but no more. We tried getting an aide in, even one who was supposedly a retired nurse who was useless and inept and showed zero initiative and generated more stress. I would find out the MD's fax number and type up or write neatly a note to the MD of the issues of concern. If she is cognitively intact, then I would think she could clearly be told these are the house rules if she wants to stay, otherwise she will be going to an assisted living or nursing home. I actually used at one a home care agency affiliated with a hospital and the nurse who came out to do an assessment said "you know what I would do?" NOTHING. I was shocked. But in a way saw her point...what sense did it make to take her kicking and screaming either at home or in a nursing home? Oddly, there is not much of an odor but the thought of her is offensive, also means I must be careful to keep all of my clothing and wearables locked and safe from her filth. She thinks EVERYthing is HERS. She wears size 6 shoes, but dare you forget and leave your own size 8.5 around, she will put her filthy feet into them. If her MD does not practice family medicine or specialize in geriatrics, I'd be looking for someone else. And don't worry about presentation...let them see the real "her". And for gosh sake, take care of YOU and your family. I tried to do my best, and still am, but last fall all of my efforts came back to slap me in the face when 911 carried ME out of the house and rushed me to the hospital where I was diagnosed and had surgery for a dissected aorta. And let me tell you, that and recuperation from it will make you unavailable to help ANYone. If you warn the MD he can bring stuff up in his role and you won't have to worry about her anger. We ultimately got my not so darling mother to a neurologist who specialized in dementia/Alzheimer's with her thinking the appt was for my father. Being a meddling witch of course she wanted to go. The MD just met with all of us and it seemed like a lovely, casual conversation as he assessed things but he figured it all out. In fact, the Alzheimer'S Assn may be a good starting point. If you go to a support group meeting you will get valuable info on who is a good MD from others who have been down your trail. Wishing you luck ,and sending you hugs....
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InFamilyService Mar 2021
Thank you for your post. Sister and I including aide have been fighting with mom every week about showers. We are all ready to give up. I bought adult size extra large bath wipes for her to sponge with. Her sponge baths are supervised so she does not contaminate herself when she has yeast or fungal rashes.
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If you're noticing signs of dementia, I would write down all of those instances you see and bring it with you to the drs appt. It's fairly common place now, that PCPs will conduct a dementia screening evaluation. Do not tell her that she is going for a screening, just another dr follow up. Her hoarding could be the result of not knowing what to toss and what to keep, if anything. It's easier to just throw something in the corner rather than decide what to do with it. This isn't unusual in dementia cases. Hoarding can present some significant safety issues both as a fire hazard and a tripping hazard. Tripping can result in broken bones for us old timers and greatly accelerate dementia symptoms and physical decline.
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In regards to how to talk to the doctor. I would advise that you carry a typed letter to the Doctor the day of visit or mail it to him/her. I did this all the time with my Mom and now do the same with my husband. I hand it to the check in nurse with a note on top to give to the Doctor before seeing her/him. Works great for all.

With the not wanting to take a shower of which my husband is a real challenge for I have found that I tell him it is change the bedsheet day and only clean bodies get into clean bed. I call it “strip the sheets and shower day”. Another idea might be to make it a spa day, with special products, towels, etc and see if that will draw her to basking in the treat. Don’t know if this will help you, but I hope it does.
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Imho, since a narcissist thinks of them in a different vein, your mother will never appreciate, nor like being told what to do.
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Sounds like poor mom is heading into dementia territory. Or could be a UTI as otherwise mentioned.

Lots of people with dementia are reluctant to shower for some reason. Maybe she needs an aide to help her or give her a sponge bath regardless of whether she thinks she needs it or not.

Tell her there's no shame in not remembering everything and that it happens to a lot of people.

And yes dealing with someone being negative and argumentative and difficult is VERY exhausting.

And a hoarder too. Wow lots of things going on there.

Definitely contact the doctor's office before the visit so they can be aware of what is going on so they can discreetly asses her.

Good luck.
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Seems your mom may have OCD - hoarding is a form of OCD. She may feel like life is out of control so hoarding and arguing with you are symptoms of her trying to control her life. She needs to be evaluated for dementia and mental health issues, Talk to her doctor and ask for referrals to a neurologist (for dementia diagnosis and treatment options) and a geriatric psychiatrist (for depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and other mental health issues). She will probably get mad at you; don't let her outbursts keep you from getting her the help she needs.

In the meantime. try to have a series of discussions with your mom about what life could look like with her living in your home. Explain your values: cleanliness of home and person, respectful conversations... Ask your mom what she values and expects. I have a feeling mom values her privacy and her freedom of choice. Try to find ways to incorporate both. For example, she agrees to bathe more often and you both put the dates and times on her planner. Another example, she agrees to allow you to clean her "place" and throw out garbage, and that 1 thing kept = 1 thing let go of.
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